Archive for the ‘Brick Wall’ tag
why is this happening now?……………………
My boyfriend and i went to get a couple of bits before we go away for new year yesterday evening.
He bought himself 4 cans of 6% cider which didnt make me happy but as he said he didnt have to drink them all, so i just thought 'whatever'.
I left him to go home and i went back to my mums to sort all my washing and get my case packed ready for monday.
So i was talking with him online at 11pm and he suddenley dissappeared, i presumed he'd gone to bed.
He tells me half an hour ago that his sister turned up and took him back to his mum and dads house to spend some time with them. At that time of night?????? I doubt that very much!
They NEVER go to his house and at xmas they were all asleep by 9pm because of too much food and drink. So i dont feel i believe this 'story'.
Plus i find out he drank all the cider he had bought, which he admitted was too much but he got mad when i said i thought he shouldnt of done it.
He said' i just wanted to relax' OMG!
Have i just spent 4yrs of hell and him getting to a point were he was telling me he didnt need to drink to relax anymore ,to hear that AGAIN!!!
I feel like im banging my head on a brick wall, im the crazy one for even bringing it up and hes 'so upset right now' because ive questioned his drinking.
Oh and apparently i need to 'loosen up'!!!!!!!!!!!
I really am not looking forward to my holiday now cos i know theres gonna be this atmosphere and i'll be worried about this drinking.
He doesnt drink HALF as much as he did but the odd drunk episode STILL gets to me and i wish he could understand.
im so fed up with all this bulls**t.
He bought himself 4 cans of 6% cider which didnt make me happy but as he said he didnt have to drink them all, so i just thought 'whatever'.
I left him to go home and i went back to my mums to sort all my washing and get my case packed ready for monday.
So i was talking with him online at 11pm and he suddenley dissappeared, i presumed he'd gone to bed.
He tells me half an hour ago that his sister turned up and took him back to his mum and dads house to spend some time with them. At that time of night?????? I doubt that very much!
They NEVER go to his house and at xmas they were all asleep by 9pm because of too much food and drink. So i dont feel i believe this 'story'.
Plus i find out he drank all the cider he had bought, which he admitted was too much but he got mad when i said i thought he shouldnt of done it.
He said' i just wanted to relax' OMG!
Have i just spent 4yrs of hell and him getting to a point were he was telling me he didnt need to drink to relax anymore ,to hear that AGAIN!!!
I feel like im banging my head on a brick wall, im the crazy one for even bringing it up and hes 'so upset right now' because ive questioned his drinking.
Oh and apparently i need to 'loosen up'!!!!!!!!!!!
I really am not looking forward to my holiday now cos i know theres gonna be this atmosphere and i'll be worried about this drinking.
He doesnt drink HALF as much as he did but the odd drunk episode STILL gets to me and i wish he could understand.
im so fed up with all this bulls**t.
Angry and i don’t even have a good reason
Unless you want to count a fifth attempt at attending a meeting and it's a no-go. I have to jump through hoops to get out and try to hit one and I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall each time. What's up? Why don't they update the website? I am so frustrated!
The AA meeting locations aren't listed, I should have tried that though, instead of spending half the morning sneaking into my room to call the places on the list for the NA meetings. What a waste!
So, all I've been doing this afternoon is driving around and swallowing hydros. It hasn't helped... yet. I'm still angry. Probably as much at myself as anything else. I should have stayed home, gotten over myself, and started with Christmas decorations.
Just needed to blow off a little steam. So, I returned to the library. Not sure what to do now. Ironically, I've confirmed that there's a 6:30 meeting but I have to pick my son up from work at 7:00. I couldn't find a way around that one. That's exactly how it's been all week.
I really wish that someone would just knock me over the head and get me to straighten out. Then none of this would be happening.
Finally!!! The hydros are kicking in. I think that I'd like for someone else to be angry at me. Does that sound wierd?
The AA meeting locations aren't listed, I should have tried that though, instead of spending half the morning sneaking into my room to call the places on the list for the NA meetings. What a waste!
So, all I've been doing this afternoon is driving around and swallowing hydros. It hasn't helped... yet. I'm still angry. Probably as much at myself as anything else. I should have stayed home, gotten over myself, and started with Christmas decorations.
Just needed to blow off a little steam. So, I returned to the library. Not sure what to do now. Ironically, I've confirmed that there's a 6:30 meeting but I have to pick my son up from work at 7:00. I couldn't find a way around that one. That's exactly how it's been all week.
I really wish that someone would just knock me over the head and get me to straighten out. Then none of this would be happening.
Finally!!! The hydros are kicking in. I think that I'd like for someone else to be angry at me. Does that sound wierd?
Thankful and sad
This is going to be long.
In my home it was wonderful and full of love, joy. My daughter spent a couple of hours making these cute cupcakes with edible turkeys on them. I think cupcakes have replaced Big Macs as her comfort food :)
When it was time to pray she was chomping at the bit and asked to say it this year. That took us all by surprise because she's straddled the line between being an atheist/deist for most of her 21 years. Her prayer was so beautiful we all had tears in our eyes and fought actually crying.
The sad part is because of my mom. She and my 46 year old sister have always been codies, though there's no substance abuse. My sister has been married 4 times, has two beautiful boys, and is probably mentally ill. She's always refused therapy because nothing is ever her issue. She has no friends any more. She manipulates and lies to get whatever she wants and this has going on for about 26 years if not longer. Recently she has run into what probably is her first brick wall. My mom is dedicated to trying to fix it.
My mom hasn't come to see her granddaughter yet (my RAD) after that nasty wreck. She kept saying she was trying but there's been one excuse after another. We insisted on buying her a plane ticket but then she found another excuse. My daughter really wants to see my mom and tell her about this damned addiction. At this point I'm not sure that's a good idea.
My mom and I have never really been close, she was never a mommy to me. Thankfully many of my family members saw it from the start and actually talked with me about it when I was younger. It was liberating and helped me keep putting one foot in front of the other.
That doesn't stop the sadness though. The relationship I have spent years working at with my mom is almost gone. We don't talk about my sister because she's in denial, 70 years old, and it's too much drama for me. In other words, we don't talk about much at all because my sister is her addiction.
I'm using every recovery tool I have towards letting go. I'm going to regular sessions with my therapist and finally cried about it Wednesday. We were talking and all of a sudden I felt it, told him "oh crap here it comes!" I didn't know there was so much pain inside me about my mom. 44 years of it.
This morning I read something: Conflict precedes clarity.
I have my daughter back for today and never had my mom.
I needed to release some pain today about this and am grateful to have a safe place to do it. Thank you SR.
In my home it was wonderful and full of love, joy. My daughter spent a couple of hours making these cute cupcakes with edible turkeys on them. I think cupcakes have replaced Big Macs as her comfort food :)
When it was time to pray she was chomping at the bit and asked to say it this year. That took us all by surprise because she's straddled the line between being an atheist/deist for most of her 21 years. Her prayer was so beautiful we all had tears in our eyes and fought actually crying.
The sad part is because of my mom. She and my 46 year old sister have always been codies, though there's no substance abuse. My sister has been married 4 times, has two beautiful boys, and is probably mentally ill. She's always refused therapy because nothing is ever her issue. She has no friends any more. She manipulates and lies to get whatever she wants and this has going on for about 26 years if not longer. Recently she has run into what probably is her first brick wall. My mom is dedicated to trying to fix it.
My mom hasn't come to see her granddaughter yet (my RAD) after that nasty wreck. She kept saying she was trying but there's been one excuse after another. We insisted on buying her a plane ticket but then she found another excuse. My daughter really wants to see my mom and tell her about this damned addiction. At this point I'm not sure that's a good idea.
My mom and I have never really been close, she was never a mommy to me. Thankfully many of my family members saw it from the start and actually talked with me about it when I was younger. It was liberating and helped me keep putting one foot in front of the other.
That doesn't stop the sadness though. The relationship I have spent years working at with my mom is almost gone. We don't talk about my sister because she's in denial, 70 years old, and it's too much drama for me. In other words, we don't talk about much at all because my sister is her addiction.
I'm using every recovery tool I have towards letting go. I'm going to regular sessions with my therapist and finally cried about it Wednesday. We were talking and all of a sudden I felt it, told him "oh crap here it comes!" I didn't know there was so much pain inside me about my mom. 44 years of it.
This morning I read something: Conflict precedes clarity.
I have my daughter back for today and never had my mom.
I needed to release some pain today about this and am grateful to have a safe place to do it. Thank you SR.
Just out of reach…May be long
Ok..Another rant...whine..whatever.
I just need to vent.
I am doing everything I am suppose to. Being very tolerant and very patient with EVERYTHING.
And it is hard as hell some days. I literally have to stay on top of it every minuts of the day sometimes.
I will be the first to admit. I am spoiled..I am use to getting what I want when I want it. I am a hot head with a very short fuse. I am use to just not giving a sh!t.
I have been working very very hard at changing that about myself. Because it isnt cute. It isnt who I want to be.
I mean from me getting aggravated about the littlest things..to my mouth..And I have a slick mouth sometimes. To being patient with time and life. Watching what I say. How I feel ..Just everything that is incorporated into this new attitude I want to have.
I guess I am trying to remold my character. I dont want to change who I am. Just how I think and perceive things.
I am me underneath it all. But I dont have to act like a child or a B**** when things dont go my way.
I am trying to stay positive.
And for the most part is paying off. And my stress levels have gone way down.
I am so aware of myself lately and I like I am seeing.
Even my grams told me she sees a big change in me.
BUT...Things that I am trying to do..to better my life. I get so close and then its like a brick wall.
What brought this on is the procedure I have been talking about.
I am going throuhg the motions. Really educating myself with it. Going to the support groups and doing everything they are asking of me. And the screening for this is brutal. I went to see their pdoc last week. And he told me I have to quit smoking. OK..I can deal with that. I have been wanting to do it anyway. He just sealed the deal. So now I have to and chances are I will because I HAVE TO.
But now he has told the surgeon that I need to see a pdoc regularly before he approve me. Because of what I did to muself last year.
Ok..I know. Yea..It was a very serious thing I did. And I honestly dont know why I am still even here. But its not like I thought those things before then. It was a freak thing and I dont even remember it.
I dont feel that way now and havent since.
I just dont want to be told I have to be put on meds and have this pdoc start picking my brain telling me I have "underlying" issues when I know thats not the case.
Stirring the pot makes it worse for me. And thats when I get upset and do stupid things. I have no resentments. I have no problems with letting go and forgiveness.
So what is the point of this? Its been over a year and a half since I did that. It isnt even an issue to me anymore.
I dont know what I am getting at.
I just know..I dont want to take meds. I dont want someone making me dig up old bones when I have layed them to rest long ago.
I just dont get why all this matters for a procedure that will greatly improve my health and make me feel better about myself.
AND..My old boss emails me the other day talkign about "Do I want a job?"
The one who saved my job 4 times 2 yrs ago. And got me that big great job I screwed up last year. I burned him so many times. But for some reason he has faith in me. And now he wants to bring me on board with him.
Thats awesome. I would love nothing better.
But its so up in the air right now.
My bills are stacking up again. Because I am only getting 20 hrs at work.
Christmas is coming up. I cant buy anything for anyone. I cant even pay my bills on time.
I was thinking the other day I was grateful for not having extra money. Because it allowed me to do what I had to do and not get into trouble. Money is my demon for screwing up.
And I was ok with that. But now..I am like. I am barely payiong my bills. And I cant just get by. I need to get ahead.
What happens if my van breaks down? Or I need some money for something at the spur of the moment?
I am stressing again. And I dont have to. But its building.
And I am still going to do what I ahve to do. And go through these hoops for that surgeon. And go to work and come home and be broke and just keep doing what I have been.
Because..Thats all I really can do. And I cant give up now. I cant get all crazy and frustrated.
I just need some relief. I wish something would give.
I am very lucky to be where I am right now. Not only in life..But mentally and emotionally.
I dont want to back slide there.
I like who I am becoming. Which is a responsible...calm..positive person.
Never in a million years would I have thought I could be this way.
I still have so much work to do. And like I said. Some days I want to kick down walls. but I catch myself and do what it takes to bring those levels of aggravation down.
Oh and right now especially. 4 kids going nuts..fighting and crying and my grams is buggin out there. They thing their funny and talking back. I am locked in my room. LOL..
I will go out in a little while and help her. But right now. I cant be around it or I will lose it.
I cant help but believe everything will work out eventually. I eman they always do for the most part.
But just some things that I am working so hard for and they are right there in reach and yet so far.
I Just wonder how long and how much ot takes to get there.
I guess this is a good lesson for myself.
OK..I know it is.
But DAM...I have been good and doing alot of improving. Can I get something here?
Ok done..Thinking out loud. Thanks for reading if you lasted to the end. LOL...
More for a blog this thread..But I need feed back. And not everyone reads blogs.
Thanks.
And I wan tto add..that this time of the year..Just like with alot of people is hard for me. Not just because of the holidays. But because My baby would have been born on Dec 4th 1996. I lost that pregnancy at 5 mos. I was shattered. It messed me up for a very very long time. They would have been 12 yrs old this yr. I dont have any kids and cant have any from what my gyno says. Also my mothers bday is Dec 29th. She has been missing since I was 5. I really go on self destruct this time of the year. This will be the first year in so long that I have been clean.
I am so happy for that. I never think about those things and go crazy egtting high. It just always seems to happen that way without relizing it I guess.
Its going to be a very hard couple months.
But I will be ok. I know I will.
With the help of my family and all of you here. I couldnt be more blessed.
And I know thats all I need to be worrying about. Cause thats all that matters really. In the end...Its all I need.
I just need to vent.
I am doing everything I am suppose to. Being very tolerant and very patient with EVERYTHING.
And it is hard as hell some days. I literally have to stay on top of it every minuts of the day sometimes.
I will be the first to admit. I am spoiled..I am use to getting what I want when I want it. I am a hot head with a very short fuse. I am use to just not giving a sh!t.
I have been working very very hard at changing that about myself. Because it isnt cute. It isnt who I want to be.
I mean from me getting aggravated about the littlest things..to my mouth..And I have a slick mouth sometimes. To being patient with time and life. Watching what I say. How I feel ..Just everything that is incorporated into this new attitude I want to have.
I guess I am trying to remold my character. I dont want to change who I am. Just how I think and perceive things.
I am me underneath it all. But I dont have to act like a child or a B**** when things dont go my way.
I am trying to stay positive.
And for the most part is paying off. And my stress levels have gone way down.
I am so aware of myself lately and I like I am seeing.
Even my grams told me she sees a big change in me.
BUT...Things that I am trying to do..to better my life. I get so close and then its like a brick wall.
What brought this on is the procedure I have been talking about.
I am going throuhg the motions. Really educating myself with it. Going to the support groups and doing everything they are asking of me. And the screening for this is brutal. I went to see their pdoc last week. And he told me I have to quit smoking. OK..I can deal with that. I have been wanting to do it anyway. He just sealed the deal. So now I have to and chances are I will because I HAVE TO.
But now he has told the surgeon that I need to see a pdoc regularly before he approve me. Because of what I did to muself last year.
Ok..I know. Yea..It was a very serious thing I did. And I honestly dont know why I am still even here. But its not like I thought those things before then. It was a freak thing and I dont even remember it.
I dont feel that way now and havent since.
I just dont want to be told I have to be put on meds and have this pdoc start picking my brain telling me I have "underlying" issues when I know thats not the case.
Stirring the pot makes it worse for me. And thats when I get upset and do stupid things. I have no resentments. I have no problems with letting go and forgiveness.
So what is the point of this? Its been over a year and a half since I did that. It isnt even an issue to me anymore.
I dont know what I am getting at.
I just know..I dont want to take meds. I dont want someone making me dig up old bones when I have layed them to rest long ago.
I just dont get why all this matters for a procedure that will greatly improve my health and make me feel better about myself.
AND..My old boss emails me the other day talkign about "Do I want a job?"
The one who saved my job 4 times 2 yrs ago. And got me that big great job I screwed up last year. I burned him so many times. But for some reason he has faith in me. And now he wants to bring me on board with him.
Thats awesome. I would love nothing better.
But its so up in the air right now.
My bills are stacking up again. Because I am only getting 20 hrs at work.
Christmas is coming up. I cant buy anything for anyone. I cant even pay my bills on time.
I was thinking the other day I was grateful for not having extra money. Because it allowed me to do what I had to do and not get into trouble. Money is my demon for screwing up.
And I was ok with that. But now..I am like. I am barely payiong my bills. And I cant just get by. I need to get ahead.
What happens if my van breaks down? Or I need some money for something at the spur of the moment?
I am stressing again. And I dont have to. But its building.
And I am still going to do what I ahve to do. And go through these hoops for that surgeon. And go to work and come home and be broke and just keep doing what I have been.
Because..Thats all I really can do. And I cant give up now. I cant get all crazy and frustrated.
I just need some relief. I wish something would give.
I am very lucky to be where I am right now. Not only in life..But mentally and emotionally.
I dont want to back slide there.
I like who I am becoming. Which is a responsible...calm..positive person.
Never in a million years would I have thought I could be this way.
I still have so much work to do. And like I said. Some days I want to kick down walls. but I catch myself and do what it takes to bring those levels of aggravation down.
Oh and right now especially. 4 kids going nuts..fighting and crying and my grams is buggin out there. They thing their funny and talking back. I am locked in my room. LOL..
I will go out in a little while and help her. But right now. I cant be around it or I will lose it.
I cant help but believe everything will work out eventually. I eman they always do for the most part.
But just some things that I am working so hard for and they are right there in reach and yet so far.
I Just wonder how long and how much ot takes to get there.
I guess this is a good lesson for myself.
OK..I know it is.
But DAM...I have been good and doing alot of improving. Can I get something here?
Ok done..Thinking out loud. Thanks for reading if you lasted to the end. LOL...
More for a blog this thread..But I need feed back. And not everyone reads blogs.
Thanks.
And I wan tto add..that this time of the year..Just like with alot of people is hard for me. Not just because of the holidays. But because My baby would have been born on Dec 4th 1996. I lost that pregnancy at 5 mos. I was shattered. It messed me up for a very very long time. They would have been 12 yrs old this yr. I dont have any kids and cant have any from what my gyno says. Also my mothers bday is Dec 29th. She has been missing since I was 5. I really go on self destruct this time of the year. This will be the first year in so long that I have been clean.
I am so happy for that. I never think about those things and go crazy egtting high. It just always seems to happen that way without relizing it I guess.
Its going to be a very hard couple months.
But I will be ok. I know I will.
With the help of my family and all of you here. I couldnt be more blessed.
And I know thats all I need to be worrying about. Cause thats all that matters really. In the end...Its all I need.
hi I’m new here…
Boy do I feel like an idiot already- I don't know much about "posting" etc. so I tried posting something- and accidently posted it on the "new to recovery" site- I hope I didn't make people who are trying to quit angry. Because when I was writing- I put in there what I wanted to ask people in this section. I will try and be brief. I have lived with my addict boyfriend for three years. At first I thought he just "partied" too much. Then I found out cocaine was involved. Now- the past year- I know that he is useing oxycodone. I have done everything I can to support/help him. I am in therapy myself- learning how to cope. He will not go to meetings- says he will then dosen't.
He cant come off these pills without HUGE withdrawls. He (upon my suggestion) asked me to call our doctor to see if he could help. will he follow up with the doctor and make the appointment?? I doubt it. Its like beating my head against a brick wall. I can't detatch. I have educated myself about the process- but I just can't. I keep waiting for the man I used to love to show up- it isn't happening- and I don't think it ever will. He said to me the other night- giving up coke and alcohol is "easy" he only needs help with quitting the pills - that he knows the PILLS are a problem?? Jezzzzz- are you kidding?? how can he believe that the pills are an issue- but the other stuff? eah no biggie>> its just complete craziness. I love this man, but I can't stay around being "detached" doing my own thing.... I would just rather live alone with my kids. to pretend the pink elephant in the room isn't there - just dosen't work for me. He dosen't steal from me, he is not abusive to me, he is just plain ol selfish, inconsiderate, and the CONSTANT partying ALWAYS comes before me and my children. I do not wish to PRETEND its not happening anymore. Do I sound selfish? I hope not, I am just exhausted emotionally- trying to help. And now trying to DETATCH. I have broken up with him before (my home) and when he leaves its a matter of days before we "talk" _ I "believe" and then we both pretend untill he comes home high as a kite and I loose it. ..... same merry-go-round. I know I'm at fault for accepting his behavior- and I'm sad for that. I didn't see how deep he was in- untill my heart was way to invested. I just need some help/support/ any words of wisdom, on how I can walk away and not go back on the merrygo round. Also, I need to know If others understand that I can't see myself staying and trying to "be there for him, yet remain detatched" I just cant do it- no matter how much I love- I feel it would be better to just move on, grieve the loss and get better for myself. It hurts terribly. and I will miss him, but I ALREADY miss the man I love, I just stay holding on to the slight glimpses i still see of him.
Sorry to be long-winded....
Thankyou for listening.
Cess
He cant come off these pills without HUGE withdrawls. He (upon my suggestion) asked me to call our doctor to see if he could help. will he follow up with the doctor and make the appointment?? I doubt it. Its like beating my head against a brick wall. I can't detatch. I have educated myself about the process- but I just can't. I keep waiting for the man I used to love to show up- it isn't happening- and I don't think it ever will. He said to me the other night- giving up coke and alcohol is "easy" he only needs help with quitting the pills - that he knows the PILLS are a problem?? Jezzzzz- are you kidding?? how can he believe that the pills are an issue- but the other stuff? eah no biggie>> its just complete craziness. I love this man, but I can't stay around being "detached" doing my own thing.... I would just rather live alone with my kids. to pretend the pink elephant in the room isn't there - just dosen't work for me. He dosen't steal from me, he is not abusive to me, he is just plain ol selfish, inconsiderate, and the CONSTANT partying ALWAYS comes before me and my children. I do not wish to PRETEND its not happening anymore. Do I sound selfish? I hope not, I am just exhausted emotionally- trying to help. And now trying to DETATCH. I have broken up with him before (my home) and when he leaves its a matter of days before we "talk" _ I "believe" and then we both pretend untill he comes home high as a kite and I loose it. ..... same merry-go-round. I know I'm at fault for accepting his behavior- and I'm sad for that. I didn't see how deep he was in- untill my heart was way to invested. I just need some help/support/ any words of wisdom, on how I can walk away and not go back on the merrygo round. Also, I need to know If others understand that I can't see myself staying and trying to "be there for him, yet remain detatched" I just cant do it- no matter how much I love- I feel it would be better to just move on, grieve the loss and get better for myself. It hurts terribly. and I will miss him, but I ALREADY miss the man I love, I just stay holding on to the slight glimpses i still see of him.
Sorry to be long-winded....
Thankyou for listening.
Cess
I am the definition of insanity….
AH and I tried reconciling again. Yesterday, alcohol took precedence over anyone's feelings yet again. Oh.....after the verbal abuse at the GROCERY STORE. I asked him to stop and when he didn't, I walked out.
I keep going back. Banging my head on a brick wall would be more effective I believe.
I'm fine for 4-5 weeks without AH these days. And then I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I don't see him.
This time, and I'm documenting here, I am NOT going back.
I DON'T NEED HIM.
MY KIDS DON'T NEED HIM.
Certainly not as he is...
I'm setting some short-term goals for myself....
1) I meet with my case manager at the DV center on Monday. I am turning in the paperwork for legal aid to assist with my divorce. Because there has been domestic violence, the income limit is higher and I qualify. I don't know how long it will take from that point, but it's Step 1.
2) I am going to be the best mom I can be to my two kiddos. My D12 already hates me for allowing her father in and out of my life. I don't know how much I can do to salvage a relationship with her but I can try. My S8 is very much a momma's boy yet.
3) I'm going to walk 4 times per week, attempt to start eating healthier and lose 10 lbs by New Year's.
4) When I get to the point where I miss my AH, I'm going to clean house. My kids' friends come over often these days and I want to be proud of our home. If cleaning doesn't help, I'm going to try to pretend he's dead. He's not, but he may as well be to me at this point. If that doesn't work, I am going to have a friend and my sister ready to come and pick me and the kids up and supervise me if need be. Left to my own devices, well....we see what's happened.
5) If I can't get to an Alanon meeting, I am, at the very least, going to read literature daily.
I don't care what it takes, I have to let this be the end. NOTHING has changed. NOTHING. My AH still thinks he can say and do whatever the hell he wants to me and I will NOT accept it. I won't. I am an amazing woman and he's a dang fool.
I am getting off the roller coaster....once and for all. I DO have a choice. It's okay for me to hurt next month....and I know it will come and I will deal with it differently. While I may not have a crystal ball, I can pretty much tell ya what's gonna happen if I go back.
This little corner of the internet is full of such amazing people and I'm learning...slowly but surely.
I keep going back. Banging my head on a brick wall would be more effective I believe.
I'm fine for 4-5 weeks without AH these days. And then I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I don't see him.
This time, and I'm documenting here, I am NOT going back.
I DON'T NEED HIM.
MY KIDS DON'T NEED HIM.
Certainly not as he is...
I'm setting some short-term goals for myself....
1) I meet with my case manager at the DV center on Monday. I am turning in the paperwork for legal aid to assist with my divorce. Because there has been domestic violence, the income limit is higher and I qualify. I don't know how long it will take from that point, but it's Step 1.
2) I am going to be the best mom I can be to my two kiddos. My D12 already hates me for allowing her father in and out of my life. I don't know how much I can do to salvage a relationship with her but I can try. My S8 is very much a momma's boy yet.
3) I'm going to walk 4 times per week, attempt to start eating healthier and lose 10 lbs by New Year's.
4) When I get to the point where I miss my AH, I'm going to clean house. My kids' friends come over often these days and I want to be proud of our home. If cleaning doesn't help, I'm going to try to pretend he's dead. He's not, but he may as well be to me at this point. If that doesn't work, I am going to have a friend and my sister ready to come and pick me and the kids up and supervise me if need be. Left to my own devices, well....we see what's happened.
5) If I can't get to an Alanon meeting, I am, at the very least, going to read literature daily.
I don't care what it takes, I have to let this be the end. NOTHING has changed. NOTHING. My AH still thinks he can say and do whatever the hell he wants to me and I will NOT accept it. I won't. I am an amazing woman and he's a dang fool.
I am getting off the roller coaster....once and for all. I DO have a choice. It's okay for me to hurt next month....and I know it will come and I will deal with it differently. While I may not have a crystal ball, I can pretty much tell ya what's gonna happen if I go back.
This little corner of the internet is full of such amazing people and I'm learning...slowly but surely.
My big, fat relapse
Yes- me the codie- I had a relapse over the weekend, but I am learning something from it- thank goodness.
STBXAH called to ask if I wanted to go to our sister-in-law's surprise party with dd. He was going to be there- with his new girlfriend- whom I have not met. Instead of asking him WHY he thought that was a great idea- can you imagine the awkwardness?- OR, just saying NO! I went straight to sadness. I miss his family- they haven't called me to see how I am, and now he's replacing me, and parading her in front of his family- and he thinks I should witness that??? He's- to say the least- insensitive. Now, I did say no, and then I went into my sadness over how this is all turning out. . . blahblahblah. I gave him my power. Of course, he threw it right back at me along with his usual blaming and verbal abuse. So, I spent Saturday a wreck. Out of it came an "AHA" moment, though. I realized I have to stop thinking I can give him my precious feelings/heart. He will do nothing with them, and has done nothing with them for years. I am beating my head against a brick wall. Also- I go straight to sadness and childhood fear- he's a lot like my dad, and triggers some intense anxiety that I need to figure out what to do with. So my lesson is- avoid him- if I can't, address him from a position of strength- and then fall apart with a safe friend if I need to.
Why are these lessons so hard?
I have such a hard time being the b**** I feel I wish I could be after it's all over. I don't know why- he's been so cruel. I cannot stoop to his level- but I can stop giving myself away to him.
STBXAH called to ask if I wanted to go to our sister-in-law's surprise party with dd. He was going to be there- with his new girlfriend- whom I have not met. Instead of asking him WHY he thought that was a great idea- can you imagine the awkwardness?- OR, just saying NO! I went straight to sadness. I miss his family- they haven't called me to see how I am, and now he's replacing me, and parading her in front of his family- and he thinks I should witness that??? He's- to say the least- insensitive. Now, I did say no, and then I went into my sadness over how this is all turning out. . . blahblahblah. I gave him my power. Of course, he threw it right back at me along with his usual blaming and verbal abuse. So, I spent Saturday a wreck. Out of it came an "AHA" moment, though. I realized I have to stop thinking I can give him my precious feelings/heart. He will do nothing with them, and has done nothing with them for years. I am beating my head against a brick wall. Also- I go straight to sadness and childhood fear- he's a lot like my dad, and triggers some intense anxiety that I need to figure out what to do with. So my lesson is- avoid him- if I can't, address him from a position of strength- and then fall apart with a safe friend if I need to.
Why are these lessons so hard?
I have such a hard time being the b**** I feel I wish I could be after it's all over. I don't know why- he's been so cruel. I cannot stoop to his level- but I can stop giving myself away to him.
Finding a way to leave the darkness?
I hide in my brain a lot of things, anger, hurt...worry. And whenever I hear can of anything not even alcohol open...I--I tense up and a very angry hateful feeling raises hell within me. I'm so angry all the time, and I can't show it. And my dad--well he's too alcohol'd up to notice. My mom is a classic enabler along with my sister, and my brother well he's the smart kid who got lucky by being born 8 years ahead of me, and now moved out. My sister...she's not here either. And I'm loosing all my friends because I'm trying to cover up his problem. I feel like there's this blackhole inside of me, sucking out all the good things left and somehow warping them so the minute I can enjoy them they're already within its gravitational field and you can't reverse the process...I want to reverse the process, but I don't know how...
I have no hope of a happy ending--my father's drinking himself into a brick wall that even with all of superman's strength and the hulk's combined, my dad still wouldn't be able to get through it. And I'm angry that he's doing this; killing himself slowly and using the money he earns for alcohol verses to buy food for the house. It's not fair. And I can't seem to find any light, no open window...I feel like i'm sophocating in my own hurting that I'm letting things pass me buy...
I don't know how to deal anymore...
I have no hope of a happy ending--my father's drinking himself into a brick wall that even with all of superman's strength and the hulk's combined, my dad still wouldn't be able to get through it. And I'm angry that he's doing this; killing himself slowly and using the money he earns for alcohol verses to buy food for the house. It's not fair. And I can't seem to find any light, no open window...I feel like i'm sophocating in my own hurting that I'm letting things pass me buy...
I don't know how to deal anymore...
OT - dealing with incompetence
Here's the latest on my robbery-induced stress.
Went to one of the clinics listed on our approved workman's comp poster, and it was a waste of time. I told her, from the beginning, that I was a recovering addict, and that I felt all my physical symptoms are from the mental stress I am dealing with.
I might as well have talked to a brick wall. They did a zillion xrays (all fine), she said I was suffering migraines due to stress, and gave me tylenol and alleve. Set me up with PT for the general back, neck aches.
I started crying. Told the nurse that the dr. had totally disregarded the issue I came there for....inability to focus or concentrate, crying at the drop of a hat, decreased appetite, insomnia, etc. She said "we don't deal with that".
Had to talk to PT, and started bawling again. They were much more sympathetic, took me in a back room, gave me water and a candy bar:) and let me talk. I'm not going to PT, I know I don't need it.
Calmed down, got to my car, called my stepmom and was bawling and almost hysterical. Was ready to park my butt in an ER and demand some help, but calmed down again (BTW...I'm pms'ing too, which does NOT help).
Finally calmed down, and went by work and talked to Derek. He finally pulled it out of me that I'm suffering from "post robbery stress"...I'm still embarrassed to admit it. He told me who I need to see. The paper from the clinic said I could go back to work, but I told him I wasn't until someone addressed my problems.
I will call my workman's comp case worker tomorrow, as she is very nice and understanding. These dr's are 50 miles from my house (work is 40), and I'm not driving all the way up there if I'm going to get the same BS. I will go to my own dr. and make sure he documents, thoroughly, and he will. He knows me, and will get me the help I need if they don't.
I understand, now, what Chino felt like when her daughter was being "treated" by the trauma unit.
I will not let this go. I don't reach out for help until I've tried everything I know. Derek told me to go home and relax and I told him if I could relax myself back to normal, I damned sure wouldn't be going to doctors!!!
I kept thinking, "just get home to your laptop and SR, you'll be okay", and I am. I had thought about buying a BIG bottle of vodka, but it only took a minute to realize that wouldn't solve anything.
I stopped, on the way home, got my favorite chicken dinner and when my appetite comes back, will try to eat it if Elvis will leave me alone:)
My dad had an initial appt. with a kidney specialist today...blood work has shown decreasing kidney function. The main thing they are checking him for is cancer. He survived colon cancer almost 30 years ago, and this scares me. He has a renal ultrasound and more bloodwork scheduled for Nov. 6th.
Derek was going to give me the $165 they owe me for the locksmith, when the robbers took my keys, but "someone" has lost the receipt. I will get a copy of my credit card receipt.
On a ?good note. I also met with the detective working the robbery today. They recovered the van used and a gun, have some possible leads.
This hasn't been my best month, but I'm still clean and I know where to come for support, so as far as I'm concerned, life is still good.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Went to one of the clinics listed on our approved workman's comp poster, and it was a waste of time. I told her, from the beginning, that I was a recovering addict, and that I felt all my physical symptoms are from the mental stress I am dealing with.
I might as well have talked to a brick wall. They did a zillion xrays (all fine), she said I was suffering migraines due to stress, and gave me tylenol and alleve. Set me up with PT for the general back, neck aches.
I started crying. Told the nurse that the dr. had totally disregarded the issue I came there for....inability to focus or concentrate, crying at the drop of a hat, decreased appetite, insomnia, etc. She said "we don't deal with that".
Had to talk to PT, and started bawling again. They were much more sympathetic, took me in a back room, gave me water and a candy bar:) and let me talk. I'm not going to PT, I know I don't need it.
Calmed down, got to my car, called my stepmom and was bawling and almost hysterical. Was ready to park my butt in an ER and demand some help, but calmed down again (BTW...I'm pms'ing too, which does NOT help).
Finally calmed down, and went by work and talked to Derek. He finally pulled it out of me that I'm suffering from "post robbery stress"...I'm still embarrassed to admit it. He told me who I need to see. The paper from the clinic said I could go back to work, but I told him I wasn't until someone addressed my problems.
I will call my workman's comp case worker tomorrow, as she is very nice and understanding. These dr's are 50 miles from my house (work is 40), and I'm not driving all the way up there if I'm going to get the same BS. I will go to my own dr. and make sure he documents, thoroughly, and he will. He knows me, and will get me the help I need if they don't.
I understand, now, what Chino felt like when her daughter was being "treated" by the trauma unit.
I will not let this go. I don't reach out for help until I've tried everything I know. Derek told me to go home and relax and I told him if I could relax myself back to normal, I damned sure wouldn't be going to doctors!!!
I kept thinking, "just get home to your laptop and SR, you'll be okay", and I am. I had thought about buying a BIG bottle of vodka, but it only took a minute to realize that wouldn't solve anything.
I stopped, on the way home, got my favorite chicken dinner and when my appetite comes back, will try to eat it if Elvis will leave me alone:)
My dad had an initial appt. with a kidney specialist today...blood work has shown decreasing kidney function. The main thing they are checking him for is cancer. He survived colon cancer almost 30 years ago, and this scares me. He has a renal ultrasound and more bloodwork scheduled for Nov. 6th.
Derek was going to give me the $165 they owe me for the locksmith, when the robbers took my keys, but "someone" has lost the receipt. I will get a copy of my credit card receipt.
On a ?good note. I also met with the detective working the robbery today. They recovered the van used and a gun, have some possible leads.
This hasn't been my best month, but I'm still clean and I know where to come for support, so as far as I'm concerned, life is still good.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
