Archive for the ‘Bridge’ tag
I feel like my own worst enemy
Stress at work. I?ve always been able to handle stressful situations at work, why not Monday night? I was nearly in tears when an unexpected thing came up, throwing me into panic mode as I frantically tried to get reports ready for a Tuesday meeting that I had half an hour to prepare for and I didn?t know what the heck the reports were about. I admit that I?ve been distracted lately. But, they might as well have been in Greek. I was so lost!
Christin doesn?t crumble under pressure... she may pray frantically, even feeling as though the world is collapsing... but she doesn?t crumble. I was crumbling. It was as if all my coping mechanisms had suddenly disappeared.
So, what do I do? What else? I know that it won?t make the reports make any more sense to me (I?d say that it would make them make less sense, but that just wasn?t possible) but at least I wouldn?t feel so frantic about it. Of course, I discovered a little later that I?m not expected to understand those specific reports, they don?t apply to my department (would have been nice if the powers-that-by had included that little detail in the email). Anyway, what?s done is done, water over the dam, under the bridge, or wherever water goes in such situations.
But, if that?s the case, if done is done, why did I take more just a few hours later while shopping. I had been good almost the whole day. There was no stress, no panic, only me wanting to feel pleasantly numb all over again for no good reason at all. So, I sit here hours afterward and I wonder ? why the heck am I jumping through hoops to get to meetings? I don?t know about you guys, but I?m giving myself emotional whiplash here. Do I care or don?t I? All day, I did and in a fraction of a moment I didn?t. Tonight I do, but I?m too depressed to think that it really matters. Tomorrow... who knows. I'll post this and it?ll probably just all start over again.
I fight with myself that I need to toss the pills, but that?s not happening and I know it. In fact, I keep denying the fact that they will run out, even though I know that they will. I pretend that I?ll fix me before they?re gone, even though I?m scared to death that I can?t. In reality, all I can do is hope that when the inevitable comes another bottle will drop out of the sky and buy me just a little more time.
Christin doesn?t crumble under pressure... she may pray frantically, even feeling as though the world is collapsing... but she doesn?t crumble. I was crumbling. It was as if all my coping mechanisms had suddenly disappeared.
So, what do I do? What else? I know that it won?t make the reports make any more sense to me (I?d say that it would make them make less sense, but that just wasn?t possible) but at least I wouldn?t feel so frantic about it. Of course, I discovered a little later that I?m not expected to understand those specific reports, they don?t apply to my department (would have been nice if the powers-that-by had included that little detail in the email). Anyway, what?s done is done, water over the dam, under the bridge, or wherever water goes in such situations.
But, if that?s the case, if done is done, why did I take more just a few hours later while shopping. I had been good almost the whole day. There was no stress, no panic, only me wanting to feel pleasantly numb all over again for no good reason at all. So, I sit here hours afterward and I wonder ? why the heck am I jumping through hoops to get to meetings? I don?t know about you guys, but I?m giving myself emotional whiplash here. Do I care or don?t I? All day, I did and in a fraction of a moment I didn?t. Tonight I do, but I?m too depressed to think that it really matters. Tomorrow... who knows. I'll post this and it?ll probably just all start over again.
I fight with myself that I need to toss the pills, but that?s not happening and I know it. In fact, I keep denying the fact that they will run out, even though I know that they will. I pretend that I?ll fix me before they?re gone, even though I?m scared to death that I can?t. In reality, all I can do is hope that when the inevitable comes another bottle will drop out of the sky and buy me just a little more time.
She smokes …I chew.
Ok so here it goes. My girlfriend smokes and I chew tobacco .... We both plan on quitting someday - sooner than later. I am accepting of her smoking. However, I let her know I would not have any long term plans with a smoker ... just my choice. She says she know she has to quit and it is a bad habit. I also told her that I am in no position to say anything about her smoking. I did tell her a couple times (early while dating) that when I quit and if she still smokes, I would not be able to spend time with her because I have fallen back on smoking when I tried to quit chewing in the past. She said she will cross that bridge when we come to it. Well the bridge is here and I quit .... she calls it "ridiculous" that I feel the need to not be around her now that she continues to smoke. Any thoughts from you folks?
Gratitude for Guilt
Guilt and blame are my reward.
Stand alone against the horde.
Evil deeds, did I not plan?
Fearful: this transgressor ran.
Buried deep, I hid the lot.
Now, I excavate the plot.
Deepest secrets, yet untold,
Spake to Thee alone. Embold’.
On his sword, this sinner wilt
Fall unless a cross is built:
Bridge twixt Thee and Thine is hewn,
Save us all from rack and ruin.
Kneel. Admit. Repent alone,
Fore the right hand of the throne.
Ye and He will not rebuff.
Yet, I fear ‘tis not enough.
Fool, am I, to seek redress?
Victims, mine, deserve no less.
Unaware yet, yet Thee dwell
In their hearts. I know Thy will.
So, I act; yet, not alone:
Four of us, far from the throne,
Meet trespassees’ rightful scorn.
Humble now -- on earth reborn.
‘Gardless of Thy Son and Thee,
Sin cannot be shed for free.
Toil, not tarry, peace is bought.
Light of Son bares sin we wrought.
~~ dox
Stand alone against the horde.
Evil deeds, did I not plan?
Fearful: this transgressor ran.
Buried deep, I hid the lot.
Now, I excavate the plot.
Deepest secrets, yet untold,
Spake to Thee alone. Embold’.
On his sword, this sinner wilt
Fall unless a cross is built:
Bridge twixt Thee and Thine is hewn,
Save us all from rack and ruin.
Kneel. Admit. Repent alone,
Fore the right hand of the throne.
Ye and He will not rebuff.
Yet, I fear ‘tis not enough.
Fool, am I, to seek redress?
Victims, mine, deserve no less.
Unaware yet, yet Thee dwell
In their hearts. I know Thy will.
So, I act; yet, not alone:
Four of us, far from the throne,
Meet trespassees’ rightful scorn.
Humble now -- on earth reborn.
‘Gardless of Thy Son and Thee,
Sin cannot be shed for free.
Toil, not tarry, peace is bought.
Light of Son bares sin we wrought.
~~ dox
Lordy…Lordy
Yes, congratulations are in order...
Oldest 35 year old, AS just called...(court has been postponed until Dec. or January)
and he called to give Mr. Moose (I wasn't home) the wonderful news, his GF (who is 18) is 5 months pregnant. Point me to the nearest bridge, would ya?
We went through this pregnancy news last Spring while we were in Florida.
Obviously, she didn't carry through with that pregnancy, I thought perhaps she had an abortion, no one said, and I didn't ask.
If she is 5 months now, she obviously became pregnant in April?
Lordy, lordy....
Oldest 35 year old, AS just called...(court has been postponed until Dec. or January)
and he called to give Mr. Moose (I wasn't home) the wonderful news, his GF (who is 18) is 5 months pregnant. Point me to the nearest bridge, would ya?
We went through this pregnancy news last Spring while we were in Florida.
Obviously, she didn't carry through with that pregnancy, I thought perhaps she had an abortion, no one said, and I didn't ask.
If she is 5 months now, she obviously became pregnant in April?
Lordy, lordy....
My sister
I'm not sure where to post this as it is weighing heavy on my heart tonight. I am a recovering alcoholic. My baby sister is 46 years and a meth addict. She's been on some kind of drug since she was 12 years old. She's 46 now and homeless.
My brother, a recovering meth addict himself who has been clean and sober for almost 10 years called tonight. He's letting our sister sleep in a shed on the edge of his property as she has no where else to go. She's lived with him in the past but was bringing "scumbags" over to party so he asked her to leave.
As she has burned every bridge to family and friends she really is living on the streets. I haven't spoken to her in several years and that was at a funeral. She's very charming, intelligent and can be fun. But her need for drugs makes her steal anything and everything she can get her hands on.
Several years ago she was arrested and court-ordered to spend a year in the
Salvation Army Rehab. According to her, she got little addiction education but was made to work in the shop. She told me then she had no intention of getting clean and this was basically a "vacation" from drugs.
I realize there's nothing I can do for her but hold a positive thought that she would get sick and tired of that life.
Brother and I talked about getting her into some sort of rehab. I used to have a few connections and might be able to call in a few favors and wangle her a place in an inpatient facility at no cost. I offered her this in the past and she declined. So, I guess there's nothing more I can do.
If you all would be so kind to pray for her to have a moment of clarity, I would greatly appreciate it. I believe it's all that's left to do.
She had a long history of being enabled by our parents. And other addicts she hangs with.
It breaks my heart to know she's in such a bad way.
I do believe I have detached with love. But it still hurts. I think I have a degree of anger for being cheated out of relationship with her. And sadness that there's little I can do.
We have little family left. It's just me, our brother and another meth addicted sister. We have no idea where the other sister is.
Please think of us and if you are the praying sort, offer up for her.
Thank you.
Love,
Lenina
My brother, a recovering meth addict himself who has been clean and sober for almost 10 years called tonight. He's letting our sister sleep in a shed on the edge of his property as she has no where else to go. She's lived with him in the past but was bringing "scumbags" over to party so he asked her to leave.
As she has burned every bridge to family and friends she really is living on the streets. I haven't spoken to her in several years and that was at a funeral. She's very charming, intelligent and can be fun. But her need for drugs makes her steal anything and everything she can get her hands on.
Several years ago she was arrested and court-ordered to spend a year in the
Salvation Army Rehab. According to her, she got little addiction education but was made to work in the shop. She told me then she had no intention of getting clean and this was basically a "vacation" from drugs.
I realize there's nothing I can do for her but hold a positive thought that she would get sick and tired of that life.
Brother and I talked about getting her into some sort of rehab. I used to have a few connections and might be able to call in a few favors and wangle her a place in an inpatient facility at no cost. I offered her this in the past and she declined. So, I guess there's nothing more I can do.
If you all would be so kind to pray for her to have a moment of clarity, I would greatly appreciate it. I believe it's all that's left to do.
She had a long history of being enabled by our parents. And other addicts she hangs with.
It breaks my heart to know she's in such a bad way.
I do believe I have detached with love. But it still hurts. I think I have a degree of anger for being cheated out of relationship with her. And sadness that there's little I can do.
We have little family left. It's just me, our brother and another meth addicted sister. We have no idea where the other sister is.
Please think of us and if you are the praying sort, offer up for her.
Thank you.
Love,
Lenina
I took the plunge
I made an offer on the new property and signed a listing agreement to sell my current home today. I'm both happy and sad at the same time. Happy to be moving into a beautiful new home and sad to leave my home of the last 5 years. I have loved every minute of living in it. It's a true reflection of my personality and where I am in life. And it seems to have changed right along with me.
A few years ago it was decorated in a flashy, high-intensity style. But lately it's taking on a more serene and peaceful feeling. I look around my house; it's quiet, orderly, peaceful, and charming. I feel like I'm leaving an old friend and starting out on a new journey.
I can't wait to see where this move takes me and how my life evolves. My home, like my life, is a reflection of the choices I make.
Who knew it would be this easy? If I hadn't let go of the things that weren't working for me, I'd still be stuck in a miserable life today. But I made some difficult choices and I've reaped the benefits.
I hope everyone will join me on the other side of the bridge. Until then, I'll be the short one with the pudgy legs and the curly hair cheering you on.
A few years ago it was decorated in a flashy, high-intensity style. But lately it's taking on a more serene and peaceful feeling. I look around my house; it's quiet, orderly, peaceful, and charming. I feel like I'm leaving an old friend and starting out on a new journey.
I can't wait to see where this move takes me and how my life evolves. My home, like my life, is a reflection of the choices I make.
Who knew it would be this easy? If I hadn't let go of the things that weren't working for me, I'd still be stuck in a miserable life today. But I made some difficult choices and I've reaped the benefits.
I hope everyone will join me on the other side of the bridge. Until then, I'll be the short one with the pudgy legs and the curly hair cheering you on.
Back again need to vent
Well I have not posted here in forever. My AH had left us and went to another state. I ended up letting him come home. He swore he stay sober well it didn't last long. Things were ok most of the time then I became pregnant (I was on the pill) we were fighting when I found out. So I overcame my shock and we both became thrilled. Then the unimaginable in June I lost her. I was so in shock still am this was my third child my first I had at 17 youd think things could go wrong then up at 30 I was not expecting this.
Well I was a complete basket case I drank to the point I was quite ready to drive right off a bridge, I still have my days being around pregnant people still pushes me to the edge. So I think that gave my AH a reason to start up again drinking wise, well ok I know I can't make if drink but I feel he used it as an excuse . I had not drank in a long time although it was never a problem till I lost the baby. I saw I was out of control so I had to stop I would have killed myself if I continued so I just quit why the hell can't he.
Now we aren't even sleeping in the same room since he came home on speed. I just can't do it any more and think of leaving. But then I cannot stand knowing if I leave I'll never have another baby to hold. I know it's messed up but it consumes me it's all I think about before he came home on speed we talked about having 2 more just cause I wanted it. We would have only had her and I would have got my tubes tied but losing her changed me. I want a baby so badly I think of just dealing with it all for another child but how do I do that I to I change how I feel ? How can I be such horrible person I mean I have my 2 kids already I should move on and be grateful. I just can't I'll never be the same again.
Well I was a complete basket case I drank to the point I was quite ready to drive right off a bridge, I still have my days being around pregnant people still pushes me to the edge. So I think that gave my AH a reason to start up again drinking wise, well ok I know I can't make if drink but I feel he used it as an excuse . I had not drank in a long time although it was never a problem till I lost the baby. I saw I was out of control so I had to stop I would have killed myself if I continued so I just quit why the hell can't he.
Now we aren't even sleeping in the same room since he came home on speed. I just can't do it any more and think of leaving. But then I cannot stand knowing if I leave I'll never have another baby to hold. I know it's messed up but it consumes me it's all I think about before he came home on speed we talked about having 2 more just cause I wanted it. We would have only had her and I would have got my tubes tied but losing her changed me. I want a baby so badly I think of just dealing with it all for another child but how do I do that I to I change how I feel ? How can I be such horrible person I mean I have my 2 kids already I should move on and be grateful. I just can't I'll never be the same again.
