Archive for the ‘Broken Promises’ tag
Facing my fathers drinking for the first time, Help…
This is the first time I've really acknowledged that I have an alcoholic father whose drinking has caused me damage. This is also the first time I have set limits for myself.
I want to start with I have never had a drop in my life! Never even been tipsy and over the last 18 months I have removed everybody from my life that drinks excessively, smokes weed or anything else along those lines in an effort to become a better and healthier person. I also deal with sexual addiction and I have attacked and faced that head on without going back to any of my old ways. Even with all of that forward progress and growth this is different, this is my father!
The issues that I need help with is the roll my mother plays in this and the INSANE amount of guilt I'm feeling.
I will start with saying I never really looked at his drinking like a problem, he's been a good father, he's never hit me or sexually abused me and he would give me the shirt off his back. He has never been a mean drunk and goes to work and is very functional. The drinking has always been, I figured him drinking 6-20 beers a night was just his way of dealing with life. I didn't notice we don't have a relationship, that I expect nothing from him, that broken promises are normal or that I have to tell him the same story 5 times as well as hear the same damn story from him 5 times. I have just accepted that when my mom is pissed with my dad he wants to be my best friend, when he's tired of her she wants me to be the surrogate husband. I totally lost site that I'm now the father of my dad and he's had nothing to offer me in the roll of a father for many many years.
I have listened to him tell me why he drinks for so long I've started to buy into the reasons and accept them as valid. I have watched him for many years push me and my mother to our limits for him to back off just long enough to get us to accept his drinking again. He's told me flat out that's what he does and he won't ever stop drinking. Well this cycle has all changed with yet another broken promise and me digging my heals in and facing this because I'm no longer willing to feel that level of disappointment and no longer willing to accept a relationship where I expect so little I'm numb to it.
The hard thing is that my mother and him rent the house I have next to me and falling outs are compounded by the closeness.
With them living next store and that not going to work in this situation, with these limits I have told my father that I'm making a choice to not have people in my life that drink and if he wants to choose to drink that I need him to move in 30 days. This of course causes an issue with my mother so I will give you some history on her.
She is the daughter of an alcoholic who thinks she has gotten past her relationship with her father but from what she's said that very clearly isn't true. She has been with my father since she was 13 so they have been together for roughly 40 years. He has been very unsuportive of her in setting limits, having healthy boundaries, business ideas and the list goes on. He has gotten drunk and had sex with hookers without condoms clearly risking her life and in this case causing stds including HPV so she's had to have a hysterectomy. She has tried to set limits like last year trying to get away from his influence going as far as calling the sheriff so he would leave but once things get that far he pushes harder on those limits because he knows what choice she will make so he doesn't give her any space and she folds. He'll clean up his act for a couple weeks. Cut back to 1-2 beers a night, stop spending 2-3 hours a day looking at porn but when he doesn't get his daily prais for being a healthy person he finds a reason to start drinking more again.
In this situation it's the worlds fault, my fault, her fault and everybody else is wrong and she's been with this man so long she just follows. Now she's having to find a place to live while he sits idol and blames me. She went as far as to tell me today that "she's not going to be without a roof over her head because of me". She fails to see I'm making a healthy choice and setting a limit, my fathers making an unhealthy choice and she's making another choice be it healthy or not to follow him. She has totally overlooked his roll in this trying to either overtly or backhandedly place blame on me.
I have told her I'm open to talking this out but I want it to be with a family counselor, all three of us and nobody able to manipulate the situation or place blame/skirt their rolls. She's of course fine with that but my father would never go for it. He's telling her I'm brainwashing her, manipulate her and on and on. I've told her she doesn't have to follow him, she's making a choice to and she belittles me for thinking that way. Saying "did you really think I would choose to stay her over going with dad". And of course I didn't expect that but that isn't the point, the point is she has a choice, he has a choice and I have a choice here and I'm the only one making a healthy choice and setting good limits for myself. Taking the hit I am for that really SUCKS! Taking blame for that really SUCKS!
She of course says she isn't ready to leave or make a stand and she's willing to yet again follow him off another cliff and accept the hit at the bottom. I'm starting to have hard feelings with her now as well because I'm having to accept that I have a father that will choose to drink over having a relationship with his son. She's adding guilt and I'm having a very hard time respecting her choices and the excuses she's using are as weak as his. She looks like a VERY scared and weak woman now and I truly have never seen that before. Until this last situation I was blind to the dysfunction and now there's a huge spotlight on it.
I'm clearly emotional from typing this, don't know that I've said what I wanted to say but you have the general idea. My mother will also read this and could really use some support as I see her trying as if she's on the edge but having a tough time jumping. I have told her we're holding up this mans bottom and now I'm gone so she's taking a lot of that weight and he's never going to hit bottom and decide if he wants to make changes with her down there enabling him.
For me, I'm okay, hurt, frustrated and upset but in a positive frame of mind and proud of myself for sticking to these limits. I accept the guilt is part of this and I have a good support system to keep things in check and balanced for me however I feel like I'm leaving the other victim, my mother, behind. I know she's making this choice but it's still hard for me to accept she's willing to be with a man she knows would choose drinking over a healthy relationship with his son, she knows would choose it over her and she just keeps helping him cause this damage.
I'm typing this to get it off my chest but also because much of what I've read in this forum helped confirm that I'm making a good choice and the closer a story fit mine the more reassuring it was. While I hate to say this I hope my story hits home with somebody else as well and gives them some of the confirmation they need to make changes in their life. I think the main thing for me was overlooking all the issues because I wasn't beaten or physically abused. I just failed the see the huge and unhealthy roll this has played in my life for a very very long time.
Comments to put me in check if needed or support me are both welcome.
I want to start with I have never had a drop in my life! Never even been tipsy and over the last 18 months I have removed everybody from my life that drinks excessively, smokes weed or anything else along those lines in an effort to become a better and healthier person. I also deal with sexual addiction and I have attacked and faced that head on without going back to any of my old ways. Even with all of that forward progress and growth this is different, this is my father!
The issues that I need help with is the roll my mother plays in this and the INSANE amount of guilt I'm feeling.
I will start with saying I never really looked at his drinking like a problem, he's been a good father, he's never hit me or sexually abused me and he would give me the shirt off his back. He has never been a mean drunk and goes to work and is very functional. The drinking has always been, I figured him drinking 6-20 beers a night was just his way of dealing with life. I didn't notice we don't have a relationship, that I expect nothing from him, that broken promises are normal or that I have to tell him the same story 5 times as well as hear the same damn story from him 5 times. I have just accepted that when my mom is pissed with my dad he wants to be my best friend, when he's tired of her she wants me to be the surrogate husband. I totally lost site that I'm now the father of my dad and he's had nothing to offer me in the roll of a father for many many years.
I have listened to him tell me why he drinks for so long I've started to buy into the reasons and accept them as valid. I have watched him for many years push me and my mother to our limits for him to back off just long enough to get us to accept his drinking again. He's told me flat out that's what he does and he won't ever stop drinking. Well this cycle has all changed with yet another broken promise and me digging my heals in and facing this because I'm no longer willing to feel that level of disappointment and no longer willing to accept a relationship where I expect so little I'm numb to it.
The hard thing is that my mother and him rent the house I have next to me and falling outs are compounded by the closeness.
With them living next store and that not going to work in this situation, with these limits I have told my father that I'm making a choice to not have people in my life that drink and if he wants to choose to drink that I need him to move in 30 days. This of course causes an issue with my mother so I will give you some history on her.
She is the daughter of an alcoholic who thinks she has gotten past her relationship with her father but from what she's said that very clearly isn't true. She has been with my father since she was 13 so they have been together for roughly 40 years. He has been very unsuportive of her in setting limits, having healthy boundaries, business ideas and the list goes on. He has gotten drunk and had sex with hookers without condoms clearly risking her life and in this case causing stds including HPV so she's had to have a hysterectomy. She has tried to set limits like last year trying to get away from his influence going as far as calling the sheriff so he would leave but once things get that far he pushes harder on those limits because he knows what choice she will make so he doesn't give her any space and she folds. He'll clean up his act for a couple weeks. Cut back to 1-2 beers a night, stop spending 2-3 hours a day looking at porn but when he doesn't get his daily prais for being a healthy person he finds a reason to start drinking more again.
In this situation it's the worlds fault, my fault, her fault and everybody else is wrong and she's been with this man so long she just follows. Now she's having to find a place to live while he sits idol and blames me. She went as far as to tell me today that "she's not going to be without a roof over her head because of me". She fails to see I'm making a healthy choice and setting a limit, my fathers making an unhealthy choice and she's making another choice be it healthy or not to follow him. She has totally overlooked his roll in this trying to either overtly or backhandedly place blame on me.
I have told her I'm open to talking this out but I want it to be with a family counselor, all three of us and nobody able to manipulate the situation or place blame/skirt their rolls. She's of course fine with that but my father would never go for it. He's telling her I'm brainwashing her, manipulate her and on and on. I've told her she doesn't have to follow him, she's making a choice to and she belittles me for thinking that way. Saying "did you really think I would choose to stay her over going with dad". And of course I didn't expect that but that isn't the point, the point is she has a choice, he has a choice and I have a choice here and I'm the only one making a healthy choice and setting good limits for myself. Taking the hit I am for that really SUCKS! Taking blame for that really SUCKS!
She of course says she isn't ready to leave or make a stand and she's willing to yet again follow him off another cliff and accept the hit at the bottom. I'm starting to have hard feelings with her now as well because I'm having to accept that I have a father that will choose to drink over having a relationship with his son. She's adding guilt and I'm having a very hard time respecting her choices and the excuses she's using are as weak as his. She looks like a VERY scared and weak woman now and I truly have never seen that before. Until this last situation I was blind to the dysfunction and now there's a huge spotlight on it.
I'm clearly emotional from typing this, don't know that I've said what I wanted to say but you have the general idea. My mother will also read this and could really use some support as I see her trying as if she's on the edge but having a tough time jumping. I have told her we're holding up this mans bottom and now I'm gone so she's taking a lot of that weight and he's never going to hit bottom and decide if he wants to make changes with her down there enabling him.
For me, I'm okay, hurt, frustrated and upset but in a positive frame of mind and proud of myself for sticking to these limits. I accept the guilt is part of this and I have a good support system to keep things in check and balanced for me however I feel like I'm leaving the other victim, my mother, behind. I know she's making this choice but it's still hard for me to accept she's willing to be with a man she knows would choose drinking over a healthy relationship with his son, she knows would choose it over her and she just keeps helping him cause this damage.
I'm typing this to get it off my chest but also because much of what I've read in this forum helped confirm that I'm making a good choice and the closer a story fit mine the more reassuring it was. While I hate to say this I hope my story hits home with somebody else as well and gives them some of the confirmation they need to make changes in their life. I think the main thing for me was overlooking all the issues because I wasn't beaten or physically abused. I just failed the see the huge and unhealthy roll this has played in my life for a very very long time.
Comments to put me in check if needed or support me are both welcome.
