Archive for the ‘Bs’ tag
I got “the talk” tonight…bad night…
I was told I treat him likes s**t because I ignore him, that I don't do the dishes or clean the house and he has pictures to prove it!!! He said he's been taking photos on his cell phone everyday when he gets home to work to show I don't do dishes/clean? I don't act like I love him. He doesn't have an issue with drinking so he doesn't see where I get off saying he does. He only had 7 beers tonight and wasn't even drunk, so there's no issue. I don't talk to him enough. I don't share my interests to with him. My dogs were brought up that he deals with them so I should accept his drinking. He doesn't hardly get really drunk, like once in his opinion since June. He's done it more than once but I just quit writing it all down since it doesn't do anything.
This all started tonight because he was giving my daughter a little lecture on dating appropriate people. After like 10 minutes of his repetetiveness and me seeing her increasing anxiety I said I think she understands. He stormed out of the bathroom, slammed his hands on the wall, slammed his hands on the fridge LOUD, made everything fall off the fridge. Yelled at me and continued the above talking for somewhere around an hour?
The whole time my 11yr old cousin was here and heard/saw the whole thing. I kinda mentioned it while he was going off that this wasn't an appropriate talk with two little ones who understand everything. Yeah, that didn't go over well either.
So I sat silently listening to the whole line of BS, which made him mad, too. I won't talk to him, I suggested a therapist because I know nothing to do. Otherwise I didn't talk. I'm not speaking with someone who views talking about problems by slamming his fists on the walls and beginning a conversation by yelling at me.
I wanted to cry but I won't let him see me do that anymore.
He suggested after the holidays we finish our relationship up because there's nothing else left. That there wasn't any more for us to do. That I can't accept him as he is, meaning drinking, so it was over. That he felt like imploding and hanging himself everyday because he was so stressed over it(me not doing anything and not being affectionate).
This all started tonight because he was giving my daughter a little lecture on dating appropriate people. After like 10 minutes of his repetetiveness and me seeing her increasing anxiety I said I think she understands. He stormed out of the bathroom, slammed his hands on the wall, slammed his hands on the fridge LOUD, made everything fall off the fridge. Yelled at me and continued the above talking for somewhere around an hour?
The whole time my 11yr old cousin was here and heard/saw the whole thing. I kinda mentioned it while he was going off that this wasn't an appropriate talk with two little ones who understand everything. Yeah, that didn't go over well either.
So I sat silently listening to the whole line of BS, which made him mad, too. I won't talk to him, I suggested a therapist because I know nothing to do. Otherwise I didn't talk. I'm not speaking with someone who views talking about problems by slamming his fists on the walls and beginning a conversation by yelling at me.
I wanted to cry but I won't let him see me do that anymore.
He suggested after the holidays we finish our relationship up because there's nothing else left. That there wasn't any more for us to do. That I can't accept him as he is, meaning drinking, so it was over. That he felt like imploding and hanging himself everyday because he was so stressed over it(me not doing anything and not being affectionate).
Nine years later
Hi all
I am happy I found this place. I am on another forum for depression and anxiety, two things that alcohol increases! Well after nine years of drinking, binging mainly (weekends turning into weeklong sessions) and using drink to cope with anything from stress at work to whatever else life throws at me. I found myself in hospital recently. I drank so much I almost died :( Since hospital I have not drank. It has been three weeks and three days. I have stayed off it before for upto two months and I have drank controlled way also - glass of wine a day. But there is no denying I have developed a dependency. I now have an addiction counsellor and also psychiatric help. Alcohol is also a symptom of much bigger unresolved problems in me. Luckily I survived and have a chance at building a new life now. I have spent the last few weeks not missing drink, just recovering from the traumatic experience. It feels like my wake-up call and yet I want all the support too. The worst seems to be over me. But there is much therapy to do and confronting of deep scars. I will face anything now. I was suicidal two weeks ago and now I am ready to live again... at a gentle pace. I am taking refuge at my parents. Which is not ideal but necessary. Christmas time and drink is all over the media. I sometimes worry about the alcohol-less future, socially, dates, meeting new people, coping, things like that. I have made the first step anyway. So I don't want to, I don't need to and I basically can't drink. I have thought this before or questioned the idea of whether I had a problem but now the BS is over and I know it is not for me anymore. I have wasted much time hiding in the bottle, suffering terrible withdrawals over and over, as others here know it can be hell. No more for me. So I hope to find like minded people here for some extra support and hope I can also help others.
Thanks for reading
Take care of yourselves
J :ghug3
I am happy I found this place. I am on another forum for depression and anxiety, two things that alcohol increases! Well after nine years of drinking, binging mainly (weekends turning into weeklong sessions) and using drink to cope with anything from stress at work to whatever else life throws at me. I found myself in hospital recently. I drank so much I almost died :( Since hospital I have not drank. It has been three weeks and three days. I have stayed off it before for upto two months and I have drank controlled way also - glass of wine a day. But there is no denying I have developed a dependency. I now have an addiction counsellor and also psychiatric help. Alcohol is also a symptom of much bigger unresolved problems in me. Luckily I survived and have a chance at building a new life now. I have spent the last few weeks not missing drink, just recovering from the traumatic experience. It feels like my wake-up call and yet I want all the support too. The worst seems to be over me. But there is much therapy to do and confronting of deep scars. I will face anything now. I was suicidal two weeks ago and now I am ready to live again... at a gentle pace. I am taking refuge at my parents. Which is not ideal but necessary. Christmas time and drink is all over the media. I sometimes worry about the alcohol-less future, socially, dates, meeting new people, coping, things like that. I have made the first step anyway. So I don't want to, I don't need to and I basically can't drink. I have thought this before or questioned the idea of whether I had a problem but now the BS is over and I know it is not for me anymore. I have wasted much time hiding in the bottle, suffering terrible withdrawals over and over, as others here know it can be hell. No more for me. So I hope to find like minded people here for some extra support and hope I can also help others.
Thanks for reading
Take care of yourselves
J :ghug3
Why Bother Staying Sober @ Six Months?
Last week, I finally had six months sober, the longest I've had since making the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God.
It has not been easy. I'm afraid that I'll go out again.
I've been unemployed since September of 2007.
I hadn't seen my mother in 14 years. She suffered this disease also. The first thing she did after seeing me was offer me a drink.
This was in May, right around Mother's Day.
At the time I had 60 days sober.
I declined the drink the first day.
And the second.
And fought with it the third.
And caved on the fourth.
I was "out" until June 1.
June 2 is my current sobriety date.
My mother died on September 16th. I stayed sober.
In October, I got rejected from the grad school program I wanted to get into. I stayed sober.
In November, I got dumped by the person who originally inspired me to get sober -- the person I wrote about in earlier posts (09/2007). Also found out my sponsor voted for McCain, and I can't stand Republicans. I feel like I can't even talk to her, because she doesn't know where I'm coming from. I stayed sober.
I just found out that I can't even get Unemployment Insurance b/c I don't have any technical "official" work history for the last 12 months. I am still sober.
But I am having a REALLY hard time. I want to feel that burning down my throat, that numbness. I am tired of feeling pain and rejected and hurt and hopeless.
I finished the 9th step, but the as far as I'm concerned, the "Promises" are a load of BS. I still hate people, and have awful economic insecurity. I'm still unemployed. I have nothing to look forward to: no work prospects, no school to go back to. Nothing.
Why bother being sober?
It has not been easy. I'm afraid that I'll go out again.
I've been unemployed since September of 2007.
I hadn't seen my mother in 14 years. She suffered this disease also. The first thing she did after seeing me was offer me a drink.
This was in May, right around Mother's Day.
At the time I had 60 days sober.
I declined the drink the first day.
And the second.
And fought with it the third.
And caved on the fourth.
I was "out" until June 1.
June 2 is my current sobriety date.
My mother died on September 16th. I stayed sober.
In October, I got rejected from the grad school program I wanted to get into. I stayed sober.
In November, I got dumped by the person who originally inspired me to get sober -- the person I wrote about in earlier posts (09/2007). Also found out my sponsor voted for McCain, and I can't stand Republicans. I feel like I can't even talk to her, because she doesn't know where I'm coming from. I stayed sober.
I just found out that I can't even get Unemployment Insurance b/c I don't have any technical "official" work history for the last 12 months. I am still sober.
But I am having a REALLY hard time. I want to feel that burning down my throat, that numbness. I am tired of feeling pain and rejected and hurt and hopeless.
I finished the 9th step, but the as far as I'm concerned, the "Promises" are a load of BS. I still hate people, and have awful economic insecurity. I'm still unemployed. I have nothing to look forward to: no work prospects, no school to go back to. Nothing.
Why bother being sober?
The manipulation starts
So as many of you know my son ran away from rehab - after three desperate days I finally found him and he was arrested.
Saturday he got two messages to me that he wanted me to visit. it was hard but i didnt go for visitation.
Sunday night he called and acted as if nothing had happened. Starts talking about how when he is committed to the state he'll get out and be home and is hoping it will be by Christmas. He is in total denial as to the seriousness of his charges at this point. All I said is they are not letting you out and you need to get that out of your head. He still denied it. He also tells me about how his diabetes is out of control right now and that he's feeling really bad (manipulation to suck me in through his health issues)
I told him that we both knew that if he got out of jail that within two weeks he'd be arrested again, so it didnt really matter. He says he's used to jail now and doesnt really care if he gets sent away - in fact would prefer going to jail to rehab because he wouldnt have to do anything but the time.
I told him that after what he did to me last weekend that I needed some time away from him and didnt want to talk or see him. I told him that I could not live like this anymore and that he couldnt come home and live with me anytime soon. He couldnt understand why. He went off about how i was abandoning him and he would have no where to live. That he did nothing to me and that it wasnt that big of a deal. He says that I am selfish and only think about myself and that he spends his life thinking about everyone else. Yes I know its total bs but its like he has this control over my heart that makes me doubt myself.
Saturday he got two messages to me that he wanted me to visit. it was hard but i didnt go for visitation.
Sunday night he called and acted as if nothing had happened. Starts talking about how when he is committed to the state he'll get out and be home and is hoping it will be by Christmas. He is in total denial as to the seriousness of his charges at this point. All I said is they are not letting you out and you need to get that out of your head. He still denied it. He also tells me about how his diabetes is out of control right now and that he's feeling really bad (manipulation to suck me in through his health issues)
I told him that we both knew that if he got out of jail that within two weeks he'd be arrested again, so it didnt really matter. He says he's used to jail now and doesnt really care if he gets sent away - in fact would prefer going to jail to rehab because he wouldnt have to do anything but the time.
I told him that after what he did to me last weekend that I needed some time away from him and didnt want to talk or see him. I told him that I could not live like this anymore and that he couldnt come home and live with me anytime soon. He couldnt understand why. He went off about how i was abandoning him and he would have no where to live. That he did nothing to me and that it wasnt that big of a deal. He says that I am selfish and only think about myself and that he spends his life thinking about everyone else. Yes I know its total bs but its like he has this control over my heart that makes me doubt myself.
I’ve gone almost no contact!!!!
Ok so I am now taking a new angle of dealing with my exabf. I went back and read some of my posts and realized that yes, I am indeed more concerned with what drug his is doing, what he is thinking, why he lies etc....
The sad fact is that it doesnt matter what drug.
Doesnt matter what he is thinking.....
Doesnt matter why he lies.....
Doesnt matter what he feels.....Probably numb anyway...
Doesnt matter that he says he loves me and the kids....Actions are showing that right now he doesnt. NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS.
All that matters is me and the kids. And if we mattered AT ALL more then the drugs then he would be doing something about it PERIOD!!!!!
So yesterday morning I dropped off my daughter and only answered yes no questions. Would not engage in his pity party for himself. Did not acknowleged his concerns of how he was going to do this that and the other.
I STOPPED answering the text messages that are just CONFIRMING this that or the other. In fact I dont answer at all.
I STOPPED answering the phone. Suddenly now he is calling when before it was just texts. I DO NOT return phone calls.
I dropped off/picked up daughter today and both times had friends on the phone so that I didnt engage in conversation with him. This is as no contact as I can get as I have to see him everyday but I think that it will get easier.
I am not going to subject myself to all the BS he continues to feed me. Its driving me crazy trying to figure out why he said this or what does that mean. Or is he really gonna do that. The only thing I will help him with is TREATMENT PERIOD!!!! I also told him that I will no longer give him rides. He has an appointment he is a big boy and can figure that out for himself.
Its the weekend now and I am gonna stick to my guns and have NO CONTACT!!!!! Please help me stick to this........I need to be held accountable for this and I am still very weak here.
Thanks for reading....
The sad fact is that it doesnt matter what drug.
Doesnt matter what he is thinking.....
Doesnt matter why he lies.....
Doesnt matter what he feels.....Probably numb anyway...
Doesnt matter that he says he loves me and the kids....Actions are showing that right now he doesnt. NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS.
All that matters is me and the kids. And if we mattered AT ALL more then the drugs then he would be doing something about it PERIOD!!!!!
So yesterday morning I dropped off my daughter and only answered yes no questions. Would not engage in his pity party for himself. Did not acknowleged his concerns of how he was going to do this that and the other.
I STOPPED answering the text messages that are just CONFIRMING this that or the other. In fact I dont answer at all.
I STOPPED answering the phone. Suddenly now he is calling when before it was just texts. I DO NOT return phone calls.
I dropped off/picked up daughter today and both times had friends on the phone so that I didnt engage in conversation with him. This is as no contact as I can get as I have to see him everyday but I think that it will get easier.
I am not going to subject myself to all the BS he continues to feed me. Its driving me crazy trying to figure out why he said this or what does that mean. Or is he really gonna do that. The only thing I will help him with is TREATMENT PERIOD!!!! I also told him that I will no longer give him rides. He has an appointment he is a big boy and can figure that out for himself.
Its the weekend now and I am gonna stick to my guns and have NO CONTACT!!!!! Please help me stick to this........I need to be held accountable for this and I am still very weak here.
Thanks for reading....
Living with Rigorous Honesty
Ever feel like it is difficult living in this world as a person who tries to act and communicate with rigorous honesty? It seems like the world right now is a house of cards based on lies, myths, BS, and other falsehoods while the truth is hated and to be kept under wraps (like my life before sobriety). If anyone is familiar with the analogy of Plato's cave (where basically the enlightened person who knows the truth tries to tell it to the people still living in darkness, and they kill him instead of letting his truth offend their bliss in ignorance)... it seems to apply to modern life. I don't have alcohol or drugs to keep me blissfully ignorant anymore, so I am often appalled and offended by the lies are indoctrinated in us through universities, the mass media, and popular belief. If I am to do what is normal for my age, I should be out getting smashed all the time and texting on my iphone what bars we're going to tonight, and pretending to like people or lying to women to get them into bed instead of being honest about what I think and want to them. But for some reason I am sober and trying to live a rigorously honest life, and hoping that by being honest with people and true to myself, I will get where I want to be, instead of being what the world tells me I should be and how I should act. It seems like to some people, rigorous honesty is deeply offensive to who they are as human beings, the same way that a life of lies, BS and deception is offensive to me.
Is It Just Me?
Or as we get farther in our recovery do we have a lower BS bar for all alcoholics in our life? My AH is usually my biggest problem or the one I want to get away from. But I also have an AM. Usually we get along because I don't live with her.
I don't have huge issues with her she didn't start until I was just about out of the house. I have bigger problems with my dad who is very controlling, abusive, ect... But lately I've been avoiding my mother. She tends to believe she's the families moral center and while I'm a Christian I believe I can pray without her telling me how I'm doing it wrong. (My way of saying she is nit picky with me)
I don't know if she's acting out with me because my MS has been in a flare so my symptoms are worse (this usually goes away in a few months) and she's having a hard time with me being sick or what. Anyway, sorry that I ramble, I needed to vent.
Back to my question; since working on me I find more and more that I just don't like putting up with unacceptable behavior even from the people I use to let it slide more often. Is this part of recovery? Or am I just being over sensitive? I don't think wanting some distance from this is a bad thing, like not talking to her as much, but I wanted to hear from some of you. Or is this me just not wanting to deal with things? I hate confrontation!
Thanks...
I don't have huge issues with her she didn't start until I was just about out of the house. I have bigger problems with my dad who is very controlling, abusive, ect... But lately I've been avoiding my mother. She tends to believe she's the families moral center and while I'm a Christian I believe I can pray without her telling me how I'm doing it wrong. (My way of saying she is nit picky with me)
I don't know if she's acting out with me because my MS has been in a flare so my symptoms are worse (this usually goes away in a few months) and she's having a hard time with me being sick or what. Anyway, sorry that I ramble, I needed to vent.
Back to my question; since working on me I find more and more that I just don't like putting up with unacceptable behavior even from the people I use to let it slide more often. Is this part of recovery? Or am I just being over sensitive? I don't think wanting some distance from this is a bad thing, like not talking to her as much, but I wanted to hear from some of you. Or is this me just not wanting to deal with things? I hate confrontation!
Thanks...
A miracle!
One of my sponsee's who just picked up 5 months recently called and we talked for a bit yesterday.... just general stuff and then I had to do my house husband duties and have dinner on the table for my wife when she got home so I told him to call me back in a bit after a while if he wanted to talk more.
Well first of all to lay a little back ground for the miracle, this gentleman is without a doubt one of us straight out of the BB with a dose of crackhead thrown in for good measure, he really struggled for the first 2 months, we spoke & prayed together often as well as doing step work and things started going really well for him.
Okay so he calls me back and says in a perfectly normal tone of voice "Well, guess what just happened?" Well I didn't think it was anything big by the way he sounded on the phone so I calmly said "What?"...... He replied "I just got canned!" We spoke for a good while after that, not one time did he whine, not one time did he say he felt like a drink or a hit off the pipe, he told me of the phone conversation and said he did not get angry with the guy even though he felt his getting the can was total BS which I agree it was.
He is going to call his big boss today to see what is really up because the guy who gave him the can is also one of us but still very actively drinking and is known to fly off the handle about nothing and can people. My sponsee said "Well I guess like you say, everything happens for a purpose!" he had made an amends ealier this week to a guy he had known since grade school who he has known since grade school.
The guy was the best man at his wedding and had helped him through some really rough times when he was drinking and drugging. He told me Wednesday that he was on cloud 9 after making the amends, he said that his friend and he hugged and that his friend was linging him up with some side work.
As my sponsee and I spoke he was actually in a pretty good place, he said that if after talking with his big boss he did not get his job back he was not worried, because his friend he had just made amends to was going to offer him a job, but since he already had one he just offered him side work.
The Miracle????? If you had known this man 3-5 months ago you would have never dreamed he could have handled what just happened to him. He is showing me that the program does work when one works it!
Well first of all to lay a little back ground for the miracle, this gentleman is without a doubt one of us straight out of the BB with a dose of crackhead thrown in for good measure, he really struggled for the first 2 months, we spoke & prayed together often as well as doing step work and things started going really well for him.
Okay so he calls me back and says in a perfectly normal tone of voice "Well, guess what just happened?" Well I didn't think it was anything big by the way he sounded on the phone so I calmly said "What?"...... He replied "I just got canned!" We spoke for a good while after that, not one time did he whine, not one time did he say he felt like a drink or a hit off the pipe, he told me of the phone conversation and said he did not get angry with the guy even though he felt his getting the can was total BS which I agree it was.
He is going to call his big boss today to see what is really up because the guy who gave him the can is also one of us but still very actively drinking and is known to fly off the handle about nothing and can people. My sponsee said "Well I guess like you say, everything happens for a purpose!" he had made an amends ealier this week to a guy he had known since grade school who he has known since grade school.
The guy was the best man at his wedding and had helped him through some really rough times when he was drinking and drugging. He told me Wednesday that he was on cloud 9 after making the amends, he said that his friend and he hugged and that his friend was linging him up with some side work.
As my sponsee and I spoke he was actually in a pretty good place, he said that if after talking with his big boss he did not get his job back he was not worried, because his friend he had just made amends to was going to offer him a job, but since he already had one he just offered him side work.
The Miracle????? If you had known this man 3-5 months ago you would have never dreamed he could have handled what just happened to him. He is showing me that the program does work when one works it!
Rough patch
I've been craving quite badly for a few days. My lucky, craving-free streak seems to be over. But:
Nope, I am not going to drink.
To be honest, don't give a flying **** about why I'm craving All I know for sure is that I'll be damned if I give in.
Time to stay in the moment... and use the tools I've been learning and preaching about for months. So I'm going to meditate for a minute or 500, give in to Spirit, phone a buddy... then grab a fluffy book and read until I fall asleep. And tomorrow, I'll do it again. Twice if needed.
I am sick and tired of this BS. I have accepted full responsibility for placing myself in this situation in the first place. I have hated myself, learned from it, listened to you guys.. And, right now, I accept full responsibility once again to get over this and myself for good. I'm putting my foot down with a stomp. Call me cocky, but I am not scared. I am ANGRY because enough is f**king enough.
I can understand why some people would be afraid of booze. However, as some of you know, this is not the first time I've had to destroy structures in my life - religion, sexuality, illusion... I'm willing to break another taboo, because I am most certainly not willing to allow fear to run my life anymore. I want to be free. So:
Alcohol, you can kiss my ass.
If I read this thread and hadn't written it, I'd be thinking "fools rush in where angels fear to tread". I'm no angel though, so you are all most welcome to call me a fool. And, by all means, if I were to relapse at some point, just rub this reckless post in my face. Right now, though, I've had enough.
Love you all - if I'm so "brave", why am I crying? I guess I AM a fool. Or just plain angry.
Nope, I am not going to drink.
To be honest, don't give a flying **** about why I'm craving All I know for sure is that I'll be damned if I give in.
Time to stay in the moment... and use the tools I've been learning and preaching about for months. So I'm going to meditate for a minute or 500, give in to Spirit, phone a buddy... then grab a fluffy book and read until I fall asleep. And tomorrow, I'll do it again. Twice if needed.
I am sick and tired of this BS. I have accepted full responsibility for placing myself in this situation in the first place. I have hated myself, learned from it, listened to you guys.. And, right now, I accept full responsibility once again to get over this and myself for good. I'm putting my foot down with a stomp. Call me cocky, but I am not scared. I am ANGRY because enough is f**king enough.
I can understand why some people would be afraid of booze. However, as some of you know, this is not the first time I've had to destroy structures in my life - religion, sexuality, illusion... I'm willing to break another taboo, because I am most certainly not willing to allow fear to run my life anymore. I want to be free. So:
Alcohol, you can kiss my ass.
If I read this thread and hadn't written it, I'd be thinking "fools rush in where angels fear to tread". I'm no angel though, so you are all most welcome to call me a fool. And, by all means, if I were to relapse at some point, just rub this reckless post in my face. Right now, though, I've had enough.
Love you all - if I'm so "brave", why am I crying? I guess I AM a fool. Or just plain angry.
OT - dealing with incompetence
Here's the latest on my robbery-induced stress.
Went to one of the clinics listed on our approved workman's comp poster, and it was a waste of time. I told her, from the beginning, that I was a recovering addict, and that I felt all my physical symptoms are from the mental stress I am dealing with.
I might as well have talked to a brick wall. They did a zillion xrays (all fine), she said I was suffering migraines due to stress, and gave me tylenol and alleve. Set me up with PT for the general back, neck aches.
I started crying. Told the nurse that the dr. had totally disregarded the issue I came there for....inability to focus or concentrate, crying at the drop of a hat, decreased appetite, insomnia, etc. She said "we don't deal with that".
Had to talk to PT, and started bawling again. They were much more sympathetic, took me in a back room, gave me water and a candy bar:) and let me talk. I'm not going to PT, I know I don't need it.
Calmed down, got to my car, called my stepmom and was bawling and almost hysterical. Was ready to park my butt in an ER and demand some help, but calmed down again (BTW...I'm pms'ing too, which does NOT help).
Finally calmed down, and went by work and talked to Derek. He finally pulled it out of me that I'm suffering from "post robbery stress"...I'm still embarrassed to admit it. He told me who I need to see. The paper from the clinic said I could go back to work, but I told him I wasn't until someone addressed my problems.
I will call my workman's comp case worker tomorrow, as she is very nice and understanding. These dr's are 50 miles from my house (work is 40), and I'm not driving all the way up there if I'm going to get the same BS. I will go to my own dr. and make sure he documents, thoroughly, and he will. He knows me, and will get me the help I need if they don't.
I understand, now, what Chino felt like when her daughter was being "treated" by the trauma unit.
I will not let this go. I don't reach out for help until I've tried everything I know. Derek told me to go home and relax and I told him if I could relax myself back to normal, I damned sure wouldn't be going to doctors!!!
I kept thinking, "just get home to your laptop and SR, you'll be okay", and I am. I had thought about buying a BIG bottle of vodka, but it only took a minute to realize that wouldn't solve anything.
I stopped, on the way home, got my favorite chicken dinner and when my appetite comes back, will try to eat it if Elvis will leave me alone:)
My dad had an initial appt. with a kidney specialist today...blood work has shown decreasing kidney function. The main thing they are checking him for is cancer. He survived colon cancer almost 30 years ago, and this scares me. He has a renal ultrasound and more bloodwork scheduled for Nov. 6th.
Derek was going to give me the $165 they owe me for the locksmith, when the robbers took my keys, but "someone" has lost the receipt. I will get a copy of my credit card receipt.
On a ?good note. I also met with the detective working the robbery today. They recovered the van used and a gun, have some possible leads.
This hasn't been my best month, but I'm still clean and I know where to come for support, so as far as I'm concerned, life is still good.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Went to one of the clinics listed on our approved workman's comp poster, and it was a waste of time. I told her, from the beginning, that I was a recovering addict, and that I felt all my physical symptoms are from the mental stress I am dealing with.
I might as well have talked to a brick wall. They did a zillion xrays (all fine), she said I was suffering migraines due to stress, and gave me tylenol and alleve. Set me up with PT for the general back, neck aches.
I started crying. Told the nurse that the dr. had totally disregarded the issue I came there for....inability to focus or concentrate, crying at the drop of a hat, decreased appetite, insomnia, etc. She said "we don't deal with that".
Had to talk to PT, and started bawling again. They were much more sympathetic, took me in a back room, gave me water and a candy bar:) and let me talk. I'm not going to PT, I know I don't need it.
Calmed down, got to my car, called my stepmom and was bawling and almost hysterical. Was ready to park my butt in an ER and demand some help, but calmed down again (BTW...I'm pms'ing too, which does NOT help).
Finally calmed down, and went by work and talked to Derek. He finally pulled it out of me that I'm suffering from "post robbery stress"...I'm still embarrassed to admit it. He told me who I need to see. The paper from the clinic said I could go back to work, but I told him I wasn't until someone addressed my problems.
I will call my workman's comp case worker tomorrow, as she is very nice and understanding. These dr's are 50 miles from my house (work is 40), and I'm not driving all the way up there if I'm going to get the same BS. I will go to my own dr. and make sure he documents, thoroughly, and he will. He knows me, and will get me the help I need if they don't.
I understand, now, what Chino felt like when her daughter was being "treated" by the trauma unit.
I will not let this go. I don't reach out for help until I've tried everything I know. Derek told me to go home and relax and I told him if I could relax myself back to normal, I damned sure wouldn't be going to doctors!!!
I kept thinking, "just get home to your laptop and SR, you'll be okay", and I am. I had thought about buying a BIG bottle of vodka, but it only took a minute to realize that wouldn't solve anything.
I stopped, on the way home, got my favorite chicken dinner and when my appetite comes back, will try to eat it if Elvis will leave me alone:)
My dad had an initial appt. with a kidney specialist today...blood work has shown decreasing kidney function. The main thing they are checking him for is cancer. He survived colon cancer almost 30 years ago, and this scares me. He has a renal ultrasound and more bloodwork scheduled for Nov. 6th.
Derek was going to give me the $165 they owe me for the locksmith, when the robbers took my keys, but "someone" has lost the receipt. I will get a copy of my credit card receipt.
On a ?good note. I also met with the detective working the robbery today. They recovered the van used and a gun, have some possible leads.
This hasn't been my best month, but I'm still clean and I know where to come for support, so as far as I'm concerned, life is still good.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
