Archive for the ‘Calm Voice’ tag
not sure about this
I am feeling uneasy and not sure if I am overreacting. Would love some perspectives.
Last night, my RABF got frustrated and had a temper outburst. I have told him once before that verbal assault, yelling or other negative communication is not tolerated in my world. I created a gentle safe home, and I will not have it trashed by emotional toxicity.
So, last night. We had worked well side by side all day on projects, and we were eating dinner. All was going beautifully. After dinner RABF is preparing to go to his AA mtg, and we are saying our goodbyes. He offered to take my dog outside, which I appreciated. He usually takes very good care and treats me and my animals well. My dog is a runner, and he knows this so we both know she needs to stay on her leash. I reminded him as he was going out to bring the leash. He got all macho and said no dog was running away on his watch, and he diodn't need a leash.
Well. He got distracted on the walk, took a call on his phone, left the dog on her own for a fair amount of time, and guess what/ she bolted after a squirrel into the night.
When he told me, I just matter of factly got my keyes, got in my car and started driving to look for the dog. It was raining, and miserab;le and we couldn't see a thing so we came home. Itold him to just go to the meeting and that I'd wait for vthe dog to return, because I knew eventually she would.
Again, he got all dramatic and said he wasn't leaving till the dog returned. Without getting loud, i insisted that it'd be fine. Just go. Honestly, I was feeling like I wanted some space by now. His emotions were getting very intense.
So, he walks thru the kitchen (on the JUST washed floor with muddy boots....aaarghh) and knocked over an entire apple pie. Aaaaarghhh again.
Why I minimize these irritations I do not know, but I was on my last nerve.
Dog comes home, and I was dealing with her the way I do: I spoke sternly but in a calm voice.
He, on the other hand, yelled and I mean LOUD yelling, at my dog, and traumatised the 2 of us for hours afterwords. It was excessive and inexcusable to speak that way.
After he left, I began to shut down totally. I feel that verbal assault of anyone or anything is never okay. It is abusive and aggressive. I felt so on edge and uncomfortable.
When we spoke this afternoon, I let RABF know that I cannot see him until I have had time to sort thru my feelings about his yelling, and told him that it is not acceptable in my ligfe, and that if it ever happens again, we are done.
He of course, thinks i am overreacting and don't know how to treat a dog properly and that I baby her, and came up with lots of BS about/rationalisations for it being appropriate when a dog takes off. I disagree and I know in my heart that my dog responds best to firm calm tones. She was shaking for hours. He also owned his behaviour and said he will look at why he lost his temper and apologised
My question besides just needing to air my thoughts here, is: am I being too harsh on him because of my own issues with DV in the way far distant past or am I being clear headed?
Last night, my RABF got frustrated and had a temper outburst. I have told him once before that verbal assault, yelling or other negative communication is not tolerated in my world. I created a gentle safe home, and I will not have it trashed by emotional toxicity.
So, last night. We had worked well side by side all day on projects, and we were eating dinner. All was going beautifully. After dinner RABF is preparing to go to his AA mtg, and we are saying our goodbyes. He offered to take my dog outside, which I appreciated. He usually takes very good care and treats me and my animals well. My dog is a runner, and he knows this so we both know she needs to stay on her leash. I reminded him as he was going out to bring the leash. He got all macho and said no dog was running away on his watch, and he diodn't need a leash.
Well. He got distracted on the walk, took a call on his phone, left the dog on her own for a fair amount of time, and guess what/ she bolted after a squirrel into the night.
When he told me, I just matter of factly got my keyes, got in my car and started driving to look for the dog. It was raining, and miserab;le and we couldn't see a thing so we came home. Itold him to just go to the meeting and that I'd wait for vthe dog to return, because I knew eventually she would.
Again, he got all dramatic and said he wasn't leaving till the dog returned. Without getting loud, i insisted that it'd be fine. Just go. Honestly, I was feeling like I wanted some space by now. His emotions were getting very intense.
So, he walks thru the kitchen (on the JUST washed floor with muddy boots....aaarghh) and knocked over an entire apple pie. Aaaaarghhh again.
Why I minimize these irritations I do not know, but I was on my last nerve.
Dog comes home, and I was dealing with her the way I do: I spoke sternly but in a calm voice.
He, on the other hand, yelled and I mean LOUD yelling, at my dog, and traumatised the 2 of us for hours afterwords. It was excessive and inexcusable to speak that way.
After he left, I began to shut down totally. I feel that verbal assault of anyone or anything is never okay. It is abusive and aggressive. I felt so on edge and uncomfortable.
When we spoke this afternoon, I let RABF know that I cannot see him until I have had time to sort thru my feelings about his yelling, and told him that it is not acceptable in my ligfe, and that if it ever happens again, we are done.
He of course, thinks i am overreacting and don't know how to treat a dog properly and that I baby her, and came up with lots of BS about/rationalisations for it being appropriate when a dog takes off. I disagree and I know in my heart that my dog responds best to firm calm tones. She was shaking for hours. He also owned his behaviour and said he will look at why he lost his temper and apologised
My question besides just needing to air my thoughts here, is: am I being too harsh on him because of my own issues with DV in the way far distant past or am I being clear headed?
