Drug Rehab Options Blog

ABF and I have had a rough couple of weeks. The honeymoon phase is ending, and he's starting back with his old ways, and I'm afraid I am, too. I've been wondering lately if it's even possible for me to detach/work on me with him there, because we are both so codependent. He is camping at the fairgrounds this week for his job (the fair is going on) so all last week I was grouchy to him because of my own issues, not trusting him, knowing he would be drinking with the guys, so I was back to trying to control him. I know better than that, I do, but it's so hard to kick that habit and sit back and let him do whatever he wants, and not be upset about it, ya know? Especially when he's spending money on beer and not helping pay bills.

Well he promised he wouldn't go to the bar, I had asked because I knew he was within walking distance from one. Then I woke up Sunday with this dream/awful gut feeling that he went to the bar. So I asked him and he denied it several times. Well my best friend's mom saw him there. So I confronted him, and he still lied. He finally admitted to it, said he's sorry, but I don't think he is. I think he is sorry I found out though. It hurts so bad knowing he's starting this again, lying right to my face. I don't trust him at all.

I have refused to go see him at the camper, he is now saying he's trying to fix things between us, but his way of trying to fix it is for us to go on like nothing happened while he sucks up big time. I can't pretend like nothing happened, but at the same time what is done is done. HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO ACT AND FEEL?????? I honestly have no idea. And then he calls me repeatedly at work, but it's all just a fight, I have tried being reasonably and not get sucked back into the insanity, but I can't help but defend myself, but really I'm just repeating myself.

I don't know I am so confused and I am SICK and tired of feeling like this and dealing with this all the time. I mean what it boils down to is I can let him come home and in order to keep the peace I guess just go on like it never happened, and I know what will happen though, he will be nice and try and repair things and I am still so angry and bitter that I won't consider any of his efforts sincere. So he will come out looking like the good guy and I'm this bitter woman with all this pent up anger/hurt.

:skillet

Okay...I have a confession. Jules just ruined her rep by being a softie and we love it. But I've been a pretty happy little camper here so far. Honestly though, since Tuesday my mood has been in the toilet. I don't want to drink, haven't had any major cravings, nothing I couldn't handle at least but my attitude is rotten and I don't like it. :c001:

I'm getting all twisted up about stupid stuff. I'm becoming one of "those" people. You know the ones: negative things coming out of my mouth, groaning when the phone rings, flipping the bird to bad drivers, feeling "icky" on the inside. I keep trying to laugh it off but inside I'm like WTF? Kathleen. What is wrong with you? I am not like this. Well, we all get in our little moods but this has lasted about 4 days and it's just not like me to be such a crabby b*tch 24/7.

So I was wondering....can we have a seance here or something? To drive out my negative emotions. They surely must be coming from the devil. An exorcism? ;) Seriously I would like some advise. I know it will pass. I know don't drink but what to do in the mean time if anything? Just be patient and ride it out? Or is some way I can head this off at the pass. I don't like being such a grumpy angry person all the time. :wtf2