Archive for the ‘Champagne’ tag
Day 1?
Yesterday was an awful day, nothing felt good, not even this board.
I decided to drink and I went to the store to buy some wine and I went there and stood there looking over the many choices for what seemed like eternity. I walked out with coffee and some chocolate. Then I remembered I had this very tiny bottle of champagne at home from awhile ago and drank it. It was awful, tasted horrible, I didn't get drunk nor did I have any inclination to buy more.
Though this doesn't mean I can control my drinking.
I have done this before (rarely). I guess I am back to Day 1, but it doesn't feel like it. I know what many will say, but I just didn't want to feel as though I'm being deceptive as long as I am still on here.
Thanks,
LD
I decided to drink and I went to the store to buy some wine and I went there and stood there looking over the many choices for what seemed like eternity. I walked out with coffee and some chocolate. Then I remembered I had this very tiny bottle of champagne at home from awhile ago and drank it. It was awful, tasted horrible, I didn't get drunk nor did I have any inclination to buy more.
Though this doesn't mean I can control my drinking.
I have done this before (rarely). I guess I am back to Day 1, but it doesn't feel like it. I know what many will say, but I just didn't want to feel as though I'm being deceptive as long as I am still on here.
Thanks,
LD
Dealing with hurt and betrayal: Need Advice
I've got so much to write about and have been putting it off. I'll give you a forewarning: this may come across as long and whiney, but I'm not going to edit it because I just need to get it off my mind.
I don't know what it is about me, or what is going on in my life, but I just feel like I am constantly being tested. I am a rather civil person, I am college educated, I keep my cool, I am kind to others, communicate well, and believe I have good morals and a good charisma. What has happened to me recently is beyond my comprehension and I need to share. The first and foremost thing is that my girlfriend (who I still own and live in a house with) broke up with me. (This happenned exactly 4 days before I lost my job- and I have not been able to find one since). We had been on the rocks for some time to be fair. Well one day we were all hanging out at a bar and my friend and I decided to go home- she didn't come home and ended hooking up with a supposed friend of mine. She has been dating him since (this happenned in July). I didn't find out til almost a month later and she didn't break up with me until a couple weeks later (after I brought her home flowers, champagne, and a hand written love note). Now we have to sell the house in the worst economy in my lifetime. We share it with a roommate- her best friend from high school. This guy used to be in love with her, and I've always considered him to be a snake in the grass. He has actually tried to hit on her in the last couple of years. He's never been on my side, and I've never trusted or felt comfortable with him. Before he lived with us we had a family live with us (Sean, his wife Tik and his son). They lived with us for 14 months and were awful, we basically had to kick them out. Most or all of these people, including my neighbors have turned on me. I was contemplating living with a group of friends for a few months that Sean is now living with, and he turned on me and said this was the worst living situation of his life (which is hard to believe considering he has lived with thiefs and drug dealers). I simply made him follow rules that were not customary to him- such as not letting the cats out, not letting his kid eat in the living room, etc. I was pretty much over this, and dealing with the break up, then I got dealt another blow. My neighbors, who are huge fans of my music invited me over for my birthday a couple of weeks ago. Their son, Brett, plays and we have played several times together and I have urged him to do open mics with me, etc. Well I was drunk on my birthday, but no more drunk than anyone else. Brett called me an "ass hole" for not letting me play with him. It took me by surprise as I'm not much of a spot light person to begin with, and have only played when asked. Like I said, I was very taken back by this but he told me nevermind and I thought it would blow over. I brought it up a few days later in kind of a snide way, "remember when you called me an ******* the other night?". Well it escalated because he denied it, and it made me very angry. Then my roommate Jeff (my exes friend from high school) jumped in and ganged up on me and said that he didn't call me that he called me something else. This was during my last night of drinking, a date that I had already set. I told them to bring out the video camera and record this so that there wouldn't be any more confusion. I kind of gave him a hard time, and it was video recorded (it was a bit tongue in cheek), but I was upset. A week later my neighbor Brett calls me and wants to hang out, but I've got a date. She ended up sleeping downstairs, and they partied all night at my house and were wrestling on the floor, playing loud music. I went upstairs and asked them to turn the volume down, and my roommate got very belligerent, I told him this is my house and I make the rules in a very angry tone. I had not been drinking this night, but they were very drunk. They also played the video tape of me that night, I could hear it from below (I thought this was all in fun games). To be honest at this point, I was mostly upset with my roommate, who I don't trust and seems to be out to get me. I told my ex that I think he should live somewhere else and that he's been taking advantage of her and us for years (he still owes almost $3000 in back rent).
The next thing that happened took me by total surprise. My neighbor's mom, Sandy, knocked on our door and asked for a beer. I and my roommate answered the door at the same time, this women used to love me and every time I saw her she would give me a big hug and tell me as much. She's been to several of my gigs and is very enthusiastic about my music. When we got upstairs, I noticed that she wasn't really talking to me. She was just talking to my roommate, she then invited him and only him to come over this last Thursday and then she left. I was in shock. I was very hurt, and was tempted to send her a text letting her know how rude I thought that was. But I refrained, I remember my mom would always tell me to take the high road as a child in these manners, that is what I did. I didn't react. On Thursday I came home (I kind of expected them to come and invite me over)- they never did. They had the party without me. I spent Thursday on this board, and googling anger managment tips and how to deal with these situations. I worked very hard at being forgiving and patience, I wasn't going to react. I felt a lot better Friday and Saturday, I drove by them and she looked very upset. Then the snow hit on Sunday, and I have been stranded here. They have been hanging out and partying next door since, and haven't said a word to me. I've been deeply upset and hurt, and at this moment I can hear them all laughing and having a good time. I was downstairs working on my music today, trying to deal with this the best I could, I decided to take a walk in the snow to cool the nerves. I noticed they had made a crude object out of snow and put it on my car. When I got home I decided on the advice I got on the internet, that I was going to write Sandy a letter, and not send it. It basically said that I wanted them to know how hurt and upset I was and that I felt ganged up on at a time when I need people most, and I didn't know why they were doing this to me. I said she had a lot of nerve to come over to my house and invite my roommate over while ignoring me. That I have always been supportive of Brett and his music, about him calling me an *******, I also said if I gave them the wrong impression and that I was drunk, I apologize and my door is still open for friendship. I felt so emotional when I wrote it, that I decided to just give it to them. I walked next door with an envelope in my hand and Angel (the husband) were walking outside with Brett and I told Angel to give it to Sandy (I addressed the letter to both Sandy and Brett).
Again, I kind of expected closure and for them to call me, say something???
Nothing, now my roommate is over there and they are partying, I can hear them right now. This isn't going to be handled by me without some sort of outlet, it's not going to go away. I am very angry and very hurt right now, and it's the accumulation of several things that have happened to me. I haven't felt this raw since I was 16 and a bunch of my friends turned on me and started bullying and harrassing me. I don't want my anger to get the best of me, I need some advice. I am stranded in this house because of the snow, so I can't really even get out, which sucks because that's exactly what I would do. I feel I am in a prison of rage, and I am besides myself. If any one has any advice on how to outlet my anger and deal with this in a dignified manner, please help. I've got no one close to turn to right now, the closest thing in my life has also abandoned me. That's the other thing, I came home Saturday and she was just leaving here with her new boyfriend. I feel like breaking things right now, I am not going to drink but I don't know how much more I can take to be honest. I can't believe of what's become of my life, this is just ridiculous. I don't how people can be so unconscientous and cold, I really am besides myself right now.
I don't know what it is about me, or what is going on in my life, but I just feel like I am constantly being tested. I am a rather civil person, I am college educated, I keep my cool, I am kind to others, communicate well, and believe I have good morals and a good charisma. What has happened to me recently is beyond my comprehension and I need to share. The first and foremost thing is that my girlfriend (who I still own and live in a house with) broke up with me. (This happenned exactly 4 days before I lost my job- and I have not been able to find one since). We had been on the rocks for some time to be fair. Well one day we were all hanging out at a bar and my friend and I decided to go home- she didn't come home and ended hooking up with a supposed friend of mine. She has been dating him since (this happenned in July). I didn't find out til almost a month later and she didn't break up with me until a couple weeks later (after I brought her home flowers, champagne, and a hand written love note). Now we have to sell the house in the worst economy in my lifetime. We share it with a roommate- her best friend from high school. This guy used to be in love with her, and I've always considered him to be a snake in the grass. He has actually tried to hit on her in the last couple of years. He's never been on my side, and I've never trusted or felt comfortable with him. Before he lived with us we had a family live with us (Sean, his wife Tik and his son). They lived with us for 14 months and were awful, we basically had to kick them out. Most or all of these people, including my neighbors have turned on me. I was contemplating living with a group of friends for a few months that Sean is now living with, and he turned on me and said this was the worst living situation of his life (which is hard to believe considering he has lived with thiefs and drug dealers). I simply made him follow rules that were not customary to him- such as not letting the cats out, not letting his kid eat in the living room, etc. I was pretty much over this, and dealing with the break up, then I got dealt another blow. My neighbors, who are huge fans of my music invited me over for my birthday a couple of weeks ago. Their son, Brett, plays and we have played several times together and I have urged him to do open mics with me, etc. Well I was drunk on my birthday, but no more drunk than anyone else. Brett called me an "ass hole" for not letting me play with him. It took me by surprise as I'm not much of a spot light person to begin with, and have only played when asked. Like I said, I was very taken back by this but he told me nevermind and I thought it would blow over. I brought it up a few days later in kind of a snide way, "remember when you called me an ******* the other night?". Well it escalated because he denied it, and it made me very angry. Then my roommate Jeff (my exes friend from high school) jumped in and ganged up on me and said that he didn't call me that he called me something else. This was during my last night of drinking, a date that I had already set. I told them to bring out the video camera and record this so that there wouldn't be any more confusion. I kind of gave him a hard time, and it was video recorded (it was a bit tongue in cheek), but I was upset. A week later my neighbor Brett calls me and wants to hang out, but I've got a date. She ended up sleeping downstairs, and they partied all night at my house and were wrestling on the floor, playing loud music. I went upstairs and asked them to turn the volume down, and my roommate got very belligerent, I told him this is my house and I make the rules in a very angry tone. I had not been drinking this night, but they were very drunk. They also played the video tape of me that night, I could hear it from below (I thought this was all in fun games). To be honest at this point, I was mostly upset with my roommate, who I don't trust and seems to be out to get me. I told my ex that I think he should live somewhere else and that he's been taking advantage of her and us for years (he still owes almost $3000 in back rent).
The next thing that happened took me by total surprise. My neighbor's mom, Sandy, knocked on our door and asked for a beer. I and my roommate answered the door at the same time, this women used to love me and every time I saw her she would give me a big hug and tell me as much. She's been to several of my gigs and is very enthusiastic about my music. When we got upstairs, I noticed that she wasn't really talking to me. She was just talking to my roommate, she then invited him and only him to come over this last Thursday and then she left. I was in shock. I was very hurt, and was tempted to send her a text letting her know how rude I thought that was. But I refrained, I remember my mom would always tell me to take the high road as a child in these manners, that is what I did. I didn't react. On Thursday I came home (I kind of expected them to come and invite me over)- they never did. They had the party without me. I spent Thursday on this board, and googling anger managment tips and how to deal with these situations. I worked very hard at being forgiving and patience, I wasn't going to react. I felt a lot better Friday and Saturday, I drove by them and she looked very upset. Then the snow hit on Sunday, and I have been stranded here. They have been hanging out and partying next door since, and haven't said a word to me. I've been deeply upset and hurt, and at this moment I can hear them all laughing and having a good time. I was downstairs working on my music today, trying to deal with this the best I could, I decided to take a walk in the snow to cool the nerves. I noticed they had made a crude object out of snow and put it on my car. When I got home I decided on the advice I got on the internet, that I was going to write Sandy a letter, and not send it. It basically said that I wanted them to know how hurt and upset I was and that I felt ganged up on at a time when I need people most, and I didn't know why they were doing this to me. I said she had a lot of nerve to come over to my house and invite my roommate over while ignoring me. That I have always been supportive of Brett and his music, about him calling me an *******, I also said if I gave them the wrong impression and that I was drunk, I apologize and my door is still open for friendship. I felt so emotional when I wrote it, that I decided to just give it to them. I walked next door with an envelope in my hand and Angel (the husband) were walking outside with Brett and I told Angel to give it to Sandy (I addressed the letter to both Sandy and Brett).
Again, I kind of expected closure and for them to call me, say something???
Nothing, now my roommate is over there and they are partying, I can hear them right now. This isn't going to be handled by me without some sort of outlet, it's not going to go away. I am very angry and very hurt right now, and it's the accumulation of several things that have happened to me. I haven't felt this raw since I was 16 and a bunch of my friends turned on me and started bullying and harrassing me. I don't want my anger to get the best of me, I need some advice. I am stranded in this house because of the snow, so I can't really even get out, which sucks because that's exactly what I would do. I feel I am in a prison of rage, and I am besides myself. If any one has any advice on how to outlet my anger and deal with this in a dignified manner, please help. I've got no one close to turn to right now, the closest thing in my life has also abandoned me. That's the other thing, I came home Saturday and she was just leaving here with her new boyfriend. I feel like breaking things right now, I am not going to drink but I don't know how much more I can take to be honest. I can't believe of what's become of my life, this is just ridiculous. I don't how people can be so unconscientous and cold, I really am besides myself right now.
Dialogue with Myself (Me and my Addict Voice?)
I debated whether to post this here or in the Alcoholism forum, but since I've only got 57 days under my belt I figure I'm still a newbie... and if this can help *anyone* else, then it's worth it.
Some of you might remember a post I made a few weeks back about quitting drinking vs. recovering, about how I have stopped drinking but I'm not really on a recovery path, so many days I feel lost and confused. I have good days and bad days, and I've not slipped and had a drink so I figure I'm at least hanging in there good enough to stay sober for today (and that's all I can worry about right now - today). However, I have thoughts. And those thoughts often turn into "debates" with myself. Debates about whether or not my problem is as bad as I thought it was. Debates about whether or not I really have to never drink again. Debates about what exactly it is that I think I miss about drinking anyway.
Here are a few examples (my "Addict Voice" in red, my "Rational Voice" in blue):
"You were never really that bad. You stopped it before things got really out of control."
"Oh? How do you know how bad it was? You were drunk. There's a lot you don't remember. Maybe you should ask those who DO remember and see what they have to say about it."
"But, come on. Really. You've read some real alcoholic horror stories. Your own situation was never even close to anything like that."
"What, and you WANT it to be that bad? It has to be that horrible for there to be a problem? Do you WANT to lose everything that is important in your life, including your life?"
"Ok, ok. But look at how (relatively) easy it's been to go this long without drinking. Doesn't that mean anything? If you can go this long once, you can go this long again. What's the harm in having a margarita from time to time, or champagne on New Year's, or wine with dinner? You know more now than you knew then."
"*sigh* If only it were that easy. Don't you remember the last time you had a drink? Don't you remember ANY time you had a drink in the past year and a half? The immediate craving for more? The total inability to stop once you started? What makes you think it will be different this time, easier this time?"
"What exactly do you think you miss about it, anyway? What about drinking do you want back so badly? The blackouts? The hangovers? The sneaking around, convincing yourself that no one knew you were drinking?"
"... ... ... I don't know what I miss exactly. I don't miss the after-effects, no. And I don't miss the sneaking around. I don't miss the way it made me feel about myself, either."
"So... tell me then, what part of it DO you miss? What part of it do you want back?"
"I guess that initial rush, the buzz, the feeling of calm and relief."
"And how long did that last?"
"Never long enough."
"And what about later that night, or the next day? Still calm and relief?"
"No. Disgust. Regret. Shame. Self-loathing. Embarrassment."
"And you want that back, do you?"
I can't figure out why it feels so important to me to think that I'll be able to drink again one day. LOGICALLY, RATIONALLY, I know that I can not. I know that the mere fact that the thought affects me this way means I have a problem.
I guess I still have some work to do.
Some of you might remember a post I made a few weeks back about quitting drinking vs. recovering, about how I have stopped drinking but I'm not really on a recovery path, so many days I feel lost and confused. I have good days and bad days, and I've not slipped and had a drink so I figure I'm at least hanging in there good enough to stay sober for today (and that's all I can worry about right now - today). However, I have thoughts. And those thoughts often turn into "debates" with myself. Debates about whether or not my problem is as bad as I thought it was. Debates about whether or not I really have to never drink again. Debates about what exactly it is that I think I miss about drinking anyway.
Here are a few examples (my "Addict Voice" in red, my "Rational Voice" in blue):
"You were never really that bad. You stopped it before things got really out of control."
"Oh? How do you know how bad it was? You were drunk. There's a lot you don't remember. Maybe you should ask those who DO remember and see what they have to say about it."
"But, come on. Really. You've read some real alcoholic horror stories. Your own situation was never even close to anything like that."
"What, and you WANT it to be that bad? It has to be that horrible for there to be a problem? Do you WANT to lose everything that is important in your life, including your life?"
"Ok, ok. But look at how (relatively) easy it's been to go this long without drinking. Doesn't that mean anything? If you can go this long once, you can go this long again. What's the harm in having a margarita from time to time, or champagne on New Year's, or wine with dinner? You know more now than you knew then."
"*sigh* If only it were that easy. Don't you remember the last time you had a drink? Don't you remember ANY time you had a drink in the past year and a half? The immediate craving for more? The total inability to stop once you started? What makes you think it will be different this time, easier this time?"
"What exactly do you think you miss about it, anyway? What about drinking do you want back so badly? The blackouts? The hangovers? The sneaking around, convincing yourself that no one knew you were drinking?"
"... ... ... I don't know what I miss exactly. I don't miss the after-effects, no. And I don't miss the sneaking around. I don't miss the way it made me feel about myself, either."
"So... tell me then, what part of it DO you miss? What part of it do you want back?"
"I guess that initial rush, the buzz, the feeling of calm and relief."
"And how long did that last?"
"Never long enough."
"And what about later that night, or the next day? Still calm and relief?"
"No. Disgust. Regret. Shame. Self-loathing. Embarrassment."
"And you want that back, do you?"
I can't figure out why it feels so important to me to think that I'll be able to drink again one day. LOGICALLY, RATIONALLY, I know that I can not. I know that the mere fact that the thought affects me this way means I have a problem.
I guess I still have some work to do.
I am an escort and alcoholic
My, that sounds terrible even just typing it.
I have posted before about my fear of going back into AA. I was in AA for 42 days and then went back out for 5 months. Today I have 4 days and I am really excited about the future!
A lot of my fear has to do with the fact that I cannot be totally honest about who I am. I am also worried because my line of work is almost "required drinking". I searched the forum and can't find any info along the lines of my specific problem....
So....I am a high end escort/call girl. I started because of financial reasons, I am trying desperately to get out, but I have a child in need of financial resouces. I primarily do dinner dates and drinking is expected. I started a new business that has gone beyond my expectations and I expect to be out of the "business" in the next 90 days.
For now, I must do this to provide for my childs needs. The problems are:
1) I can't be honest in the rooms. Will this thwart by ability to overcome this problem? I am afraid to get a sponsor because I can't be totally honest with her.
2) Most of my clients prefer to drink Champagne or wine with me. I am learning to stay away from people, places and things but it is difficult as an escort.
My child will suffer if I quit escorting (earning money). Should I put sobriety on hold until I no longer need to escort? I have been telling my clients that I have eliminated alcohol in my diet but they want me to have "just a sip of Champagne" to start the evening. They have no idea that I am an alcoholic.
If I am anything, I am a wonderful mother. I am also a great friend, sister, daughter, business person and generally a great person. I am not a bad girl, I just happen to have some problems that seem to have no solution.
Please advise.
Thanks!
I have posted before about my fear of going back into AA. I was in AA for 42 days and then went back out for 5 months. Today I have 4 days and I am really excited about the future!
A lot of my fear has to do with the fact that I cannot be totally honest about who I am. I am also worried because my line of work is almost "required drinking". I searched the forum and can't find any info along the lines of my specific problem....
So....I am a high end escort/call girl. I started because of financial reasons, I am trying desperately to get out, but I have a child in need of financial resouces. I primarily do dinner dates and drinking is expected. I started a new business that has gone beyond my expectations and I expect to be out of the "business" in the next 90 days.
For now, I must do this to provide for my childs needs. The problems are:
1) I can't be honest in the rooms. Will this thwart by ability to overcome this problem? I am afraid to get a sponsor because I can't be totally honest with her.
2) Most of my clients prefer to drink Champagne or wine with me. I am learning to stay away from people, places and things but it is difficult as an escort.
My child will suffer if I quit escorting (earning money). Should I put sobriety on hold until I no longer need to escort? I have been telling my clients that I have eliminated alcohol in my diet but they want me to have "just a sip of Champagne" to start the evening. They have no idea that I am an alcoholic.
If I am anything, I am a wonderful mother. I am also a great friend, sister, daughter, business person and generally a great person. I am not a bad girl, I just happen to have some problems that seem to have no solution.
Please advise.
Thanks!
Alcoholic Boyfriend just fell off the wagon
Ive been with my boyfriend for a year as of last week. We met in California where we live but he has been back in his home town of Phoenix the past two months. He went out there for alcohol inpatient rehab for a month and has been staying with his folks the last month to save up so he can mve back to CA. He was visiting this past week and we had a really great time. I will be completely honest and tell you, I blew it. He wanted to have champagne for our anniversary and I said NO NO NO. Unfortunately, he was really convincing and told me he was fine and didnt want to be that old guy. But he could handle a drink. I believed him. So stupid. Well, this morning I had a bad feeling when I woke up because he didnt call me last night, which he always does. Turns out he is jail for because he got arrested for a DUI last night and trying to run from the cops! His license was already suspended due to a DUI 2 years ago that he has defaulted on the payments. AZ DUI laws are tough so he's looking at some serious jail time. His parents have been out of town since last Monday, so his sister went to the house today to check things out. She found multiple empty bottles with receipts dating back to the day they went out of town ( before he came out here and we had champage). I still feel awful for being weak and drinking with him, but now I know he started even before he came out here.
I am just sick over this. We love eachother so much and have so much fun together- and we dont need the alcohol to do so. His parents have invested so much time and money trying to get him healthy. We all really beleived he was doing ok, which just makes this even harder. He was going to AA meetings every night and was in out patient recovery twice a week. I am just so sad and angry at the smae time. We've made plans for our future and then just like that, they are gone. I know it's over with us, it has to be. But Im just so damn heartbroken and whats even worse is he really is a great person. I just feel so damn cheated. I have been through the ringer with all of this. Ive been here alone in CA trying to justify supporting him and giving it another chance to myself and my friends. I thought true love was enough. But now I realize that the booze is always going to beat me out. He lied straight to my face over and over that he's been sober. How can he do that? I know this is just a big jumble of feelings, but I just feel so alone, sad, angry, etc.
I am just sick over this. We love eachother so much and have so much fun together- and we dont need the alcohol to do so. His parents have invested so much time and money trying to get him healthy. We all really beleived he was doing ok, which just makes this even harder. He was going to AA meetings every night and was in out patient recovery twice a week. I am just so sad and angry at the smae time. We've made plans for our future and then just like that, they are gone. I know it's over with us, it has to be. But Im just so damn heartbroken and whats even worse is he really is a great person. I just feel so damn cheated. I have been through the ringer with all of this. Ive been here alone in CA trying to justify supporting him and giving it another chance to myself and my friends. I thought true love was enough. But now I realize that the booze is always going to beat me out. He lied straight to my face over and over that he's been sober. How can he do that? I know this is just a big jumble of feelings, but I just feel so alone, sad, angry, etc.
