Drug Rehab Options Blog

After reading some of the issues that others have here, mine don't seem so bad, but they are mine & they are consuming my life. Here's my story...

My husband's crack addiction started several years ago after his best friend passed away. Back then he was my boyfriend. We had been together for several years, were living together & had a child.

It started gradually & took some time before I realized that he was becoming an addict. The problems started with him not answering his phone when I called & then not coming home at night. Eventually, it got to the point where he was shirking off his responsibilities. I would get phone calls from our daycare, after hours, asking if anyone was coming to pick up our daughter. I would apologize profusely & scramble to go pick her up. They would scowl & I would apologize more, assuring them that it wouldn't happen again. This happened more than a few times. Eventually, I just started picking her up myself all the time.

I couldn't rely on him for anything anymore. If he told me that he would run an errand, I didn't believe him. I would try to give him the benefit of the doubt but after being burned so many times, it was easier just to take care of everything myself, no matter how thin I stretched myself, rather than having to rely on him, the whole time thinking to myself, "Is he really going to come through this time...?..." only to be disappointed yet again & have to inconvenience myself even further later in the day/evening & run the errand myself.

I never knew what was going to happen from one day to the next. He kept saying that he would stop but he never did. My life was chaos.

In the end, he got so bold as to just start bringing the drugs home & doing them in the garage! It didn't matter that I would come to the door, be standing less than 6 feet away from him & yelling (not to mention that our 2 year old would come to the door to see what was going on) - he would look at me with his glazed over eyes, not raise his voice, but in a very "under the influence" tone, direct me to leave him alone & that he was "almost done"!

Eventually I left him.

We stayed in contact. After all, we had a daughter together & I still loved him. If he could just get the drugs under control we could still be together.

Life was different. The drugs weren't in my face anymore. He wasn't a constant in my life. I wasn't yelling at him. I didn't know what he was doing. I wasn't relying on him.

It worked for a while & then we started to get closer again. We didn't talk much about the drugs, other than me asking him if he'd stopped. And he never lied - he was always honest. So I always knew what was going on - if I asked.

After about a year, we got back together for good. He's been clean for over 2 years now, we've gotten married & had another child. The drugs are out of our lives...until last week...when he didn't show up for Christmas Eve.

We planned to finish our holiday shopping together earlier in the day & it didn't phase me too much when he didn't show up for that, but when he didn't show up later that evening for our planned Christmas celebration with my family, I started to worry. The drugs crossed my mind briefly but I quickly pushed that thought out - I didn't want to go that route again.

When he showed up (yes, later that evening), I simply asked him what happened. His reply..."You know." And I knew.

My instinct reaction is anger, then disappointment, then back to anger. "I will not go through this again!" "You had better figure out a way to control yourself!" etc, etc, etc...

He conveys to me how disappointed he is in himself & says that he'll go to meetings (he never sought treatment for the first go-around).

It's been just over a week (to some this is no time & to others I'm sure this is too long) but there has not been another mention of any type of treatment or any meetings & now he's been MIA since Friday at 6pm.

I don't want to do this again & it feel like I'm headed down a familiar road. I have no idea what to expect from him. I don't know if this will be the last time - I'm hopeful but not dumb...it will probably happen again. I don't want to do this again & I don't want my kids exposed to the type of environment that this will bring to our household - but I want their father there for them...ahhhhhhh...what to do, what to do...my mind is racing but I'm not getting anywhere!

I've been on this computer for hours searching support groups in my area. I plan to attend the next meeting that is available to me this week, but in the meantime, wanted to get advice from anyone who can offer, anyone who is more experienced with addiction than I...

Much of the information that I found on the web re: support seemed to be geared toward parents of addicts. It was very difficult for me to find information that would be helpful to me, the spouse of an addict with young children.

Any advice would be appreciated!

Tonight, I'm sitting here alone in a self contemplative mood because it looks like I will be ringing in the New Year by myself as AH is working and I'm totally ok with that..

Today I have come full circle in my journey of my AH's addiction. It was a year ago today that I found the stash of pills hidden underneath the passenger side seat of my husbands truck.. the months of speculating of his drug use had finally been revealed.. Today also marks the day that the chaos and insanity that I allowed to control my life for so many months afterward entered into my life..

My first thoughts were to fix my AH.. in my crazy way of thinking I just knew that I could save my AH from this addiction and that in a few months everything would be back to normal... um, was I ever in for a very rude awakening.

Oh, I went to Al anon, but not for myself.. I went because i was hoping that there I would find out some tips and ideas on how to help my husband. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that Al-anon was going to offer me no such thing.. So I decided not to go back but instead "help" my AH work his program.. yep, you can see where this is leading.. I was on him like white on rice.. Did you go to a meeting today? Have you found a sponsor? You should really be going to more then just one meeting a week? Look honey, I bought all these books on addiction just for you.. when I wasn't "working" on his program, I was playing Nancy Drew, searching for any and every sign of drug use that I could find and of course I found things and of course I continued on that Merry-go-Round of insanity, knowing things were not working but still not willing to let go and let God..

Every time, I thought things could not possibly get worse, they did.. Every time, I thought that the pain could not possibly cut any deeper it did. The lying, the cheating, the secrets, the stealing.. it just all consumed me to the point where I just did not care anymore..

All the while, I kept posting here on SR... reading situations that mirrored mine, Some were worse then mine and some were one's of hope, the ones that had lived through the nightmare and came out on the other side intact.. I knew what I needed to do, I even had advice for other people on what they should do but I was still living life on my terms instead of life's terms..

One morning in early September, I woke up just wanting to take my own life.. I don't think I would actually have done such a thing but the thought that it even crossed my mind scared the crap out of me.. I knew that I needed to do something RIGHT THEN.. So I sheepishly crawled my way back to Al anon bracing myself for attacks on my character and questions to as why I was still with my AH and where I had been for all these months.. Of course I found none of that there.. all i found were many hugs, lots of support and finally a feeling of serenity, the feeling that I had been looking for all this time..

Slowly I crawled my way out of my hole.. I surrendered everything to my HP and the day I did that I got my life back. As I started attending meetings and working the program for me and not my AH, my AH started attending meetings again too.. This time, it's hands off his program and my hands are all over mine..

I want to thank each and everyone of you beautiful people here on SR.. From the newcomers on here whose pain and angst I can so relate to, to the old timers who always had a cyber hug and words of support and to people like Anvil, who never sugar coats anything.. her words helped me to wake up from the foggy world that I was living in and to face the reality of what was truly going on in my life..

I look back on my journey this past year and today I thanked my HP for allowing me to experience it. It was a painful journey full of hard lessons, but lessons that I needed to be taught in order to become the best me that I can be..

I'm still not where I want to be.. but I have learned through Al-anon that "one day at a time" will get me there..

I have been praying and praying that God would remove some friends from my AH's life that are not friends of his sobriety.. today my AH called me while he was at one of those friends homes.. I found myself resorting back to my crazy days of trying to tell him what to do and where he needed to be and then I felt myself getting angry at God for not answering my prayers.. then a small voice inside my head said that sometimes, God works on a different schedule then I do.. sometimes what I want is not what God necessarily has in mind.. so I quickly turned my problems back over to my HP and my fears went away.. A year ago, I would not have done that... I owe my program for that bit of progress..

Thank you SR friends for being there for me through my worst... and hopefully this year seeing me at my best...

Happy New Year
:nyag:nyd

Hi all

Haven't felt like talking much about how i've been feeling, hence the reason why i haven't been around latley. Having great difficulty in not allowing others control over me at the moment and really struggling with the best way to deal with it. As its family it's really hard to walk away which is what i do normally when things are not working for me. I'm getting to meetings but not really interacting as i'm sick and fed up of being sick and fed up. Hell listen to me, i sound so full of self pity but i know this to shall pass and just signing in here has been a positive thing. Work is horrendous at the moment, theres so much food around the department i'm working in (All my triggers food of course) and i get a little fed up with being the only person not joining in but thats what i need to do to stay sane, or at least not add to the insane thinking i have around my family by picking up excess food. I no i need to put pen to paper and i'm hoping to do that when i finish work for the holidays, but this time of year everythings a little manic and i'm not managing to have much me time. Anyhow on a positive note my food is great, i may be having a rough time emotionally but HP is still guiding me when it comes to my food choices and i have remained abstinent around the chaos. I trust HP totally and know that i am exactly where i am meant to be for today and the answers to my problems will come in his time and not mine.

:Xmaspstar

My sister is in very early days of her latest attempt at rehab from oxys..maybe 5 weeks or so in an outpatient program where luckily she gets counselling as well as methadone.
Its baby steps out of the pit she's dug herself of using, owing so much money to so many shady people, lost friends and all the guilt from her behaviour during all that time. I go with her to each session with the doctor (mostly just sit in the waiting room) so despite all the other chaos in the her life I know she's faithfully making her appointments.
As hard as getting clean in her situation would be for anyone, life sure has thrown her some extra burdens on top of it.
*She is 3 months pregnant with a bf who has had the patience of a saint but is really struggling with untangling years of lies, thefts and the stuff we all know about. The family doesn't know whether to be happy she's expecting or dreading what could happen.
*Our dad is in the later stages of prostate cancer, and despite all the crap she's pulled over the years, even on him, she's still daddy's girl and she doesn't have the emotional tools at all yet to cope with his being ill.
*and tonight our grandmother died. again tough for all of us at Xmas time but one more mental blow I'm not sure she can deal with.
I just hope she can stick with her rehab through this and come out the other side.

Hi everyone. I have been reading all the posts all morning and I just have to get this off my chest. I am at work today, and as you can see I am NOT working. I can't concentrate, cannot focus and my head is in a really bad place.

My daughter had 8 months clean until a couple of weeks ago, and now she is using again. In the months that she has been clean, she has worked a program, had weekly counseling, was also in a Suboxone program. She also kept a job had $500-600 saved in bank and was doing well. She is 24 and has had some major medical issues up until the last couple of years. Some of the medications that she has taken has wreaked havoc on her bones and teeth. Everything has been resolved except her teeth, which all have to be pulled and some surgery on her jaw bones. That is what happened. She went and had a surgery in which she was given Percosets (pain meds is her doc). Then when she called her Sub Dr. she was told that she could not come back until all dental work was finished, which may take until February! Her counseling told her to come back when dental work was done also. I feel like they threw her to the wolves. She does not have to take pain meds all thru this time and she tried to tell them that. No body would listen. Now with that said, she has continued to take the meds because, well because she is a drug addict. And her life is falling apart and so is mine. She and my 2 grandchildren live with me and my husband, they are 2 and 5 and very CUTE! Her bank account is overdrawn, it's 2 weeks until X-mas and she has bought no presents for kids, she doesn't sleep. When I got up at 6:00 this morning she wasn't there, although I guess it was good that she went and talked with her sponser, who works night shift at the same restaurant that she works at. But I see the patterns and chaos beginning all again and I just don't think I can go thru this again. It wouldn't be so bad if she didn't live in the same household with me but I don't think I could ask her to leave just yet with it being Christmas and everything. I ask my 5 year old grandson the other night what he would think about him and Mommy and brother being able to get their own apartment soon. His response was I am not going anywhere until I grow up. I want to live with you and Papaw. Now what do I do with that? I know I am rambling but I have all these thoughts in my head and don't know what to do with them. I keep praying for my HP to show me the way. But if he's showing me I can't see it, or I'm not listening hard enough. Thanks for listening to me. Maybe writing this down I can get back to work and focus. But I don't think that is going to happen today.

I just want you all to know that I appreciate you and your posts, I read them alot. Your attitudes and knowledge and caring about the other people on this forum really touches my heart.

Hope you all have a good day.
Gotahavfaith

Hello all,
It's been a while since I posted but I check how you are all doing each day. It's been a few months now since EXA moved out, some of you will know that since then I have had some very dark moments wanting to call beg and plead that he comes back even though life without him in the house for me and my baby girl has been so much better since. He hasn't been in touch once to speak to either me or to see her and as far as I am aware he is till happily drinking away convinced I am to blame for all his woes and he is just acting perfectly normally.

Anyway your tips and stories have really helped me through the terrible 'missing him' moments and some days I really feel I am making progress working on looking after my own needs.

Recently I have been seeing tentatively, someone else, he's actually an old school friend who has moved away. He has no addiction problems, is kind, sensitive and caring and I'm shocked everyday at how thoughtful and sensible he is (after 5 years af disregard, insults and chaos I forgot what normal was). I fancy him, i like and admire him as a person and he makes me forget about all the horror I've been feeling.

So my worries are as follows:-

I still have moments when I imagaine exa turning up sober and wanting me back, is this normal or fair on new man? I still think of exa lots am I using this lovely guy as a substitue or worse asa message to ex? I don't think I am but don't know myself??????

Also I found myself displaying quite an unpleasant behaviour to new man yeaterday evening which reminded me of how I used to feel with exa, basically new man said he had his works party this Saturday, I joked that I was jealous etc and I would be in my own ha ha. He actually offered to not go and stay in with me, I said don't be silly go and enjoy yourself but since then have been hoping he will canel and stay with me. I trust him, I know he is sensible and I can't believe I am feeling so needy already?!

Is this a hang on from the last relationship? Am I still in love with exA?

Any input and advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm feeling at a fragile point at the moment and want to do everything possible to make a happy fulfilled life for myself and my daughter.

Thanks again stars of my life!

xxxxxxxxxxxx

I know in my heart I have done the right thing, but I feel horrible about this. They finally arrested my son today for stealing my vehicle and the credit card fraud. He goes up for bail tomorrow, his dad and I will not be there.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I know if I dont do this it will happen again and again. He phoned me earlier today and knew he was going to be arrested devestated of course. His first time in jail.
Why does doing the right thing hurt so bad? I can not allow his chaos in my life anylonger. He was such a beautiful kind person before this drug hijacked his brain. He is not a tough kid, soft spoken dont think he will like jail at all.
I just need some reassurance that I have done the right thing.

I had a great meeting today - we talked about "detaching with love."

One of our group members is really struggling with letting go of her son's addiction. Her life is a whirlwind of phone calls, court dates, hospital bills, custody hearings, etc... She takes a step away from the chaos only to be overcome with guilt and anguish for abandoning someone who needs her so much.

She said, crying, "When I try to take care of myself he tells me that I don't care about him, and I just can't stand for him to think that!"

But it was SO clear, to everyone there, to anyone looking at this woman, that she cares about her son with all her heart. She was willing to do anything to help him.

Yet, because he couldn't recognize her caring, she began to doubt it, herself.

I could see, in her struggle, many of my issues.
This nagging belief that if my addict didn't feel loved, it was because I was not being loving enough, not responding correctly, answering harshly. That my behavior was the problem.

I couldn't stand for my A to think that I was a bad, unloving person, because, for so long, I looked to him to tell me that I was good.

Recovery from codependency teaches me that "what other people think of me is none of my business".
I love that.
It is so freeing.

I know my intentions (most of the time!), and I no longer look to someone else to confirm or validate them for me.

Have a great night, everybody.
Thanks for letting me share!

-TC

Hello,

I am wondering if any of you can give some insight on the active alcoholic mind. My husband was sober for years and started to drink 4 years ago. We had a great relationship through the non drinking years (15+) I do not understand how he can change the way he has and turn into such a stranger at times. He tries to tell me how much he loves me and our kids but continues to get drunk and act like an a$$,

He will sober up for a few months at a time and then goes back to the drinking and chaos.

Help!

I don't know if I ever shared my story since I started this Forum but......

I lived with my A for 16 years. He managed to hide the fact he had a problem for almost a year after we moved in together. I was shocked to discover I was with an A because I had avoided dating people with addictions all my life, as I had grown up in an A home. When I think back, there were lots of red flags that I chose to overlook as well as major chaos and drama from the beginning. But being a classic codependant, I welcomed the challenge to "help" yet another person find their way. I now realize it made me feel important and needed and guaranteed that he wouldn't leave me.

He wanted to get married within the first few months of knowing him, which I thought was too soon, especially because he had immigrated from another country and I wanted to make sure he wasn't using me for his own benefit. He eventually got his citizenship, but the idea of marriage no longer appealed to him. Another sign. He also wanted to have children right away, but I hesitated as I noticed the escalating drinking. I had promised myself as a child that I would never do what my parents had done to me by bringing children into such a dysfunctional system. Be careful what you wish for because I missed out on having children. As his disease progressed, he started to say things like children would be too much responsibility for him.

He never went out, he only drank at home but he had a routine. Work, cook a meal, watch a movie or work on the computer & drink just the right amount before he could eat (around 11 p.m.), then go to sleep. He resented any invitations we received to go out and so often I went alone and he would get angry if I suggested we do anything together as it would cut into his drinking time on his days off. I started to feel more like a roommate or a mother.

He was wonderful when he was sober, the meanest, vindictive person when he drank. He claimed he wouldn't remember what he had said to me the night before, but I could never forget the horrendous things that would come out of his mouth. I would take him by the hand and get him to A & D counsellors, which worked well for him, but he would never take the advice they would give him about attending meetings, etc. He went to treatment once for 4 weeks and he was sober for more than a year, but slowly started drinking again. He saw any attempt by me to help him as nagging.

His brother & wife lived in Texas and he would visit them often. They would always invite me and we got along well, but aside from going their twice, he would usually make sure to arrange things in such a way that I couldn't go with him as it would conflict with my work. He loved getting away where he could drink freely and not have me judging him. Often the brother would call me to check on him and ask if he was still drinking, but unfortunately he would give my partner hell and then he'd get angry with me because he knew we'd been talking and he'd cut me off from communications with his family.

His father is a serious A, who has even had a liver transplant and still continues to abuse it. He's almost died 6 times but somehow pulls through and continues to drink.

I tried everything known to mankind to help him, to change my behaviour - all the codependant things we often do, turning ourselves inside out trying to get him to change. I saw his potential and I wanted the best for him but I've come to realize it was more about controlling him so he wouldn't leave. Somehow I thought I could make him realize that the drinking was the only thing standing between us having a happy life together.

We separated several times but he would always ask to come back and I would let him. This last time, I guess I was getting so upset with not having a life with him and not being able to have the life I wanted that I kept asking him to leave, thinking he would move close by and we would continue to try and work things out. He surprised me and announced he was moving to Texas with his brother, who is very wealthy and can set him up in a business, with a new vehicle and a place to live. I guess his brother held out his hand to help him and he took it and replaced me as caretaker with his brother, is what happened. I just never expected him to go so far away, never mind to another country.

It's been over 5 months and for the first 7 weeks he called me every day, 3 times a day, just like he always had when he was away. Of course, each time, it was very obvious he had been drinking. I assumed from that he was missing me and wanted to work things out. I got a shock when he said that wasn't the case, he just didnt' want to be unkind as we'd been together so long. He said he'd be sending some money to help out with the expenses he left me with, and our cat & dog - food, vet bills, etc. but it never happened. In fact he stopped calling altogether for a month. Then he called one day and told me how happy he was that he had his work visa. I let him know it was inappropriate for him to be sharing how happy he was at starting a new life when I was still having to deal with all the fall-out from being left with bills, with having to move, with all the memories of him & I to deal with, having to deal with all the damage he did, while he went off to a new environment. I told him I hadn't suddenly become his best friend after 16 years. He got angry and said he should have known that I would try and "ruin" this happy day for him. I told him I was still missing him & loved him and he said he felt the same but then he started to get nasty and emphasized that he "liked" me and had only said the other because he didn't want to hurt my feelings.

I was enraged with his immature behaviour because I was the one that insisted we go apart in an amicable way and that there was no need to fight and be disrespectful. Afterall, it was the alcohol that drove us apart. I told him I hadn't wanted us to break up - it was the drinking and he said "I'm still drinking." He reminded me that I asked him to leave and this is what I wanted, now I have it. Then he said some quite disgusting remarks to me and basically told me he'd call me in a few days and never did.

So I'm feelng alot of guilt because I did not want him to leave; I wanted him to get well. In fact, he gave me a month's notice that he was going and so that last month was like a honeymoon. We did things together like we used to, we watched favorite movies, went to our secret places together..... laughed, cried, it was crazy. It was how it should have been all along. Then in that one phone call, he just demolished all the good communication we'd built up and in my opinion reduced our relationship to nothing.

He tried to call numerous times after that but I didn't pick up the phone and he didn't leave a message. I felt I deserved an apology and if he really had something important to say, he could have left a message, written an email or letter. I am just so afraid that if he talks to me, he'll say something even more hurtful that will have me in tears again and all the strength I've gained will be gone. This has been the most painful thing I've ever gone through and I don't want to go back to start the grieving all over again if he says something hurtful to me.

Anyway, I'm so sorry this post is as long as it is. Just needed to get this out. I'm wondering if anyone out there has any advice for me. Why is it I'm still half hoping he'll call, apologize and make this all go away? I just never thought he'd have the courage to follow through with leaving, much less going so far away. Do you think an A can just forget 16 years of a relationship like that? Can he just forget the life he had here, all our friends, the relationship with my family and especially the close relationship he had with my 9 year old niece who stayed with us every other weekend? She's devastated by the loss of her uncle and blames herself for him leaving. He couldn't even respond to a letter she sent him. Do you think there's any hope once they get sober/if they get sober of patching things up? I still have this illusion, I'm ashamed to say, that he'll realize what he's lost one day. Why am I going through all this pain, when it doesn't appear he's even looked back?

Thanks for listening.