Archive for the ‘Chase’ tag
Horrible Week, even worse tonight.
My youngest daughter, age 26 going on 10, just stormed out of the house and left her 6 month old here saying she didn't want her anymore. Of course, first she had to tell me how heartless I was and it was no wonder my middle daughter is an addict the way I treat them. (I know she didn't mean the daughter part.)
Youngest is close to being an alcoholic, like her dad, and I know I can't help that. She has anger issues that are beyond belief, thinks the world should revolve around her, and is incapable of holding jobs for long because she treats people like dirt. She hooked up with a diehard alcoholic and it's been love, hate, live together, move out, for the last 4 years or so. Last time she lived with us it was to get a new start, blah, blah, blah and all she did was make a mess and chase bf around. When she left to move back in with him my husband said she was never allowed to move back in or he would leave. He means it. She has also moved in with her oldest sister a couple times and has done the same thing, sister also says no more. BF isn't physically abusive but his words cut likes knives, sends her into a fury and she is the one who most often reacts physically.
Of course into all this she has to bring a baby. Beautiful little girl and is one of the happiest babies I've ever had. She is precious. When daughter was pregnant she was still on SSI and had to take some counseling classes and they really helped. She was talking about some college courses and was getting some self-esteem. She had to give up SSI when she moved in with boyfriend and signed off services for a year. Now bf is on a tangent that he wants nothing to do with her anymore. Wants her out of the apartment (this is partly her fault in so that she had to go and get drunk a couple weeks ago and do nothing but fight and so on) and yet he tells her she can stay for the baby's sake and then treats her like dirt and makes ugly remark all night. She says she can't take it anymore and needs to get out and she's losing her mind.
So now tonight, I'm heartless because I won't let her move in here and give up my husband for my own daughter, the one I gave birth to. That I don't care about the h##l she is living in. I won't even give her hugs, (used to but then she say I don't want hugs I need help) can't win in that department. She has no girlfriends because they can't stand her for long. She's some one you just can reason with. Said she's not going to work tomorrow (she works 2 days a week at Dollar General), she's quitting and leaving town. I just kinda sat there through the tirade and that ticked her off so she slammed out the door.
I don't know what to do. I do feel kinda heartless and I feel trapped. I'm mad that she doesn't ever attack her dad, who moved back in with his mother and could perfectly well share an apartment with her, and he just gets to drift along with none of this. I've told her to go to the women's shelter uptown and that really made her blow. Almost wish I had that one on film.
Right now my anxiety is so high I think I'm having a heart attack. I guess I just needed someone to talk to. My hubby just doesn't want to hear it anymore.
Youngest is close to being an alcoholic, like her dad, and I know I can't help that. She has anger issues that are beyond belief, thinks the world should revolve around her, and is incapable of holding jobs for long because she treats people like dirt. She hooked up with a diehard alcoholic and it's been love, hate, live together, move out, for the last 4 years or so. Last time she lived with us it was to get a new start, blah, blah, blah and all she did was make a mess and chase bf around. When she left to move back in with him my husband said she was never allowed to move back in or he would leave. He means it. She has also moved in with her oldest sister a couple times and has done the same thing, sister also says no more. BF isn't physically abusive but his words cut likes knives, sends her into a fury and she is the one who most often reacts physically.
Of course into all this she has to bring a baby. Beautiful little girl and is one of the happiest babies I've ever had. She is precious. When daughter was pregnant she was still on SSI and had to take some counseling classes and they really helped. She was talking about some college courses and was getting some self-esteem. She had to give up SSI when she moved in with boyfriend and signed off services for a year. Now bf is on a tangent that he wants nothing to do with her anymore. Wants her out of the apartment (this is partly her fault in so that she had to go and get drunk a couple weeks ago and do nothing but fight and so on) and yet he tells her she can stay for the baby's sake and then treats her like dirt and makes ugly remark all night. She says she can't take it anymore and needs to get out and she's losing her mind.
So now tonight, I'm heartless because I won't let her move in here and give up my husband for my own daughter, the one I gave birth to. That I don't care about the h##l she is living in. I won't even give her hugs, (used to but then she say I don't want hugs I need help) can't win in that department. She has no girlfriends because they can't stand her for long. She's some one you just can reason with. Said she's not going to work tomorrow (she works 2 days a week at Dollar General), she's quitting and leaving town. I just kinda sat there through the tirade and that ticked her off so she slammed out the door.
I don't know what to do. I do feel kinda heartless and I feel trapped. I'm mad that she doesn't ever attack her dad, who moved back in with his mother and could perfectly well share an apartment with her, and he just gets to drift along with none of this. I've told her to go to the women's shelter uptown and that really made her blow. Almost wish I had that one on film.
Right now my anxiety is so high I think I'm having a heart attack. I guess I just needed someone to talk to. My hubby just doesn't want to hear it anymore.
Love and Recovery
Sorry I need to vent about my SO for a minute and see what advice I can get on here. So this is someone I have been talking to/dating for over a year now. Then she cheated on me in May with my friend and ever since then we have been talking but also open to dating other people. She doesnt tell me if she dates other people and I dont really want to know. I am just trying to get my own life on track and not worry about what she is up to
The reason I am posting this is because she really upset me over the weekend and I wanted nothing more than to go out and drink my sorrows away. What happened was that I became annoyed with her because I havent seen her for a week or two. Every time ive tried to get in touch with her to meet up she is busy with other people/things. So on Friday I text her saying that i wasnt going to chase her around and beg her to hang out. She texts me back a couple hours later and said "dont you ever get sick of your own drama?" Like I am the one being unreasonable just because i want to see her.
I am wondering if this is why recovery programs advise people against being in relationships during early recovery. Should I stop talking to her? Or should I just leave her alone until she makes more of an effort? I miss her if I dont hear from her/see her for a couple days. But its not fun when she acts aloof and acuses me of being a drama queen. HELP! What should i do?
:a043:
The reason I am posting this is because she really upset me over the weekend and I wanted nothing more than to go out and drink my sorrows away. What happened was that I became annoyed with her because I havent seen her for a week or two. Every time ive tried to get in touch with her to meet up she is busy with other people/things. So on Friday I text her saying that i wasnt going to chase her around and beg her to hang out. She texts me back a couple hours later and said "dont you ever get sick of your own drama?" Like I am the one being unreasonable just because i want to see her.
I am wondering if this is why recovery programs advise people against being in relationships during early recovery. Should I stop talking to her? Or should I just leave her alone until she makes more of an effort? I miss her if I dont hear from her/see her for a couple days. But its not fun when she acts aloof and acuses me of being a drama queen. HELP! What should i do?
:a043:
Hey guys.
Hey guys, I'm new. I don't know how to start this, so I'll cut right to the chase. I'm a 3-day recovering (that seems so small) alcoholic/pill-popper. I apologize if the latter isn't politically correct. I suppose drug-addict would fit as well, no use in sugarcoating things. Apologies if I'm bitter. You guys understand.
I got wasted everyday for about a year (was it two?). Mostly on pills - whatever I could get my hands on, excess over-the-counter meds, other people's prescriptions, off friends who tongue'd their meds. Pills were everyday, booze was whenever I could get it, which wasn't as rare as you'd think. Whenever I'd drink it became a sick goal to take it all the way. It wasn't over unless it was all gone, I was puking in random places, or I was passed out. I've walked down the street half naked at 6AM in the projects still trashed from the night before, with no sleep (when I drink, I don't sleep, I stay up and drink, the insomnia helps). And in my head, this was better than being sober, feeling miserable. But, pills we're quite different. I needed just enough to make me loopy, but not enough to be completely gone. Just, steady-handed. But I'm dependant on them (I use the present tense because, you're always recovering, never recovered), I need them to feel normal. I used everyday. And once in a while, someone would find a stash or find the medicine cabinet almost completely empty. And I'd hurt someone I loved. I think we're all familiar with guilt here, and feeling completely down on ourselves, yes? Yes.
So. Why do I want to be sober now? They say we've got to hit our bottom, right? Theoretically, that should've been a number of times for me, all of us. But no, for me, it was 3 days ago. It was about one in the morning when I went upstairs (insomnia), to try and rest my back - it'd been killing me for days. I mean, it always hurts, but this was far worse. I knew in the back of my mind I'd messed myself up bad. I kept taking Midol during the duration of that night, nothing would touch this pain. Absolutely nothing. By 2:30 AM I had taken a bottle of Midol, and was on the floor, naked, crying in pain, in the dark. I couldn't move my body, I was convulsing, and I thought I was going to die. I was alone. No one was gonna walk through the door. Sid Vicious' "My Way" wasn't even on. It was all wrong. I was scared. More than I've ever been in my life. I knew in the back of my mind that I'd done this to myself. I passed out on the floor at 4, and woke up at 6, freezing cold, and I could barely move just a little. I managed to crawl into bed, still writhing and crying in pain, and laid there until 9, when someone finally decided it was time I see a doctor.
I spent about 6 hours in the ER, where they had to catharize (sp?) me for a urine sample, because I couldn't move & they couldn't tell if the blood was in my urine or from my menstraution (I can't spell, I'm sorry). Turns out, nothing wrong with my bladder. So they gave me Lortabs for my pain (ironic, because Hydrocodone is generic for Lortab, and that's my drug of choice, but I don't tell the doctors that). Though, I did genuinely need that for pain, I swear you'd think you were gonna die. So they gave me a CAT scan, nothing wrong with my kidneys (doctor scared the hell out of me when he said blatantly he thought it was stones!). I was shocked at that, it takes me about 10 minutes to pee. So they did an Xray. Nothing wrong with my back. They didn't know what was wrong with me, after 6 excrutiating hours. So they sent me home with a load of hydros & referred me to my gynecologist, who I saw today.
My gyno took some cultures, which hurt like hell, and he said they shouldn't have. So he did some more tests with my pain reactions, and called me into his office. He said my uterus was "very tender and weak" & most likely enlarged, therefore pressing on the nerves in my back. We'll find out in a week whether or not it's an infection, or endomecreosius (I cannot spell to save my life). If it's the latter, he's putting me in for surgery.
Even now on my pain medication, I am in excrutiating, but dull and aching pain. I can't help but think I really messed myself up. I've hurt everyone that I love, and myself. Please help me stay sober. I'm sick of this and feeling this way about myself. I want life to be beautiful without drugs and booze.
Other than that. Uh. I'm a writer.
I got wasted everyday for about a year (was it two?). Mostly on pills - whatever I could get my hands on, excess over-the-counter meds, other people's prescriptions, off friends who tongue'd their meds. Pills were everyday, booze was whenever I could get it, which wasn't as rare as you'd think. Whenever I'd drink it became a sick goal to take it all the way. It wasn't over unless it was all gone, I was puking in random places, or I was passed out. I've walked down the street half naked at 6AM in the projects still trashed from the night before, with no sleep (when I drink, I don't sleep, I stay up and drink, the insomnia helps). And in my head, this was better than being sober, feeling miserable. But, pills we're quite different. I needed just enough to make me loopy, but not enough to be completely gone. Just, steady-handed. But I'm dependant on them (I use the present tense because, you're always recovering, never recovered), I need them to feel normal. I used everyday. And once in a while, someone would find a stash or find the medicine cabinet almost completely empty. And I'd hurt someone I loved. I think we're all familiar with guilt here, and feeling completely down on ourselves, yes? Yes.
So. Why do I want to be sober now? They say we've got to hit our bottom, right? Theoretically, that should've been a number of times for me, all of us. But no, for me, it was 3 days ago. It was about one in the morning when I went upstairs (insomnia), to try and rest my back - it'd been killing me for days. I mean, it always hurts, but this was far worse. I knew in the back of my mind I'd messed myself up bad. I kept taking Midol during the duration of that night, nothing would touch this pain. Absolutely nothing. By 2:30 AM I had taken a bottle of Midol, and was on the floor, naked, crying in pain, in the dark. I couldn't move my body, I was convulsing, and I thought I was going to die. I was alone. No one was gonna walk through the door. Sid Vicious' "My Way" wasn't even on. It was all wrong. I was scared. More than I've ever been in my life. I knew in the back of my mind that I'd done this to myself. I passed out on the floor at 4, and woke up at 6, freezing cold, and I could barely move just a little. I managed to crawl into bed, still writhing and crying in pain, and laid there until 9, when someone finally decided it was time I see a doctor.
I spent about 6 hours in the ER, where they had to catharize (sp?) me for a urine sample, because I couldn't move & they couldn't tell if the blood was in my urine or from my menstraution (I can't spell, I'm sorry). Turns out, nothing wrong with my bladder. So they gave me Lortabs for my pain (ironic, because Hydrocodone is generic for Lortab, and that's my drug of choice, but I don't tell the doctors that). Though, I did genuinely need that for pain, I swear you'd think you were gonna die. So they gave me a CAT scan, nothing wrong with my kidneys (doctor scared the hell out of me when he said blatantly he thought it was stones!). I was shocked at that, it takes me about 10 minutes to pee. So they did an Xray. Nothing wrong with my back. They didn't know what was wrong with me, after 6 excrutiating hours. So they sent me home with a load of hydros & referred me to my gynecologist, who I saw today.
My gyno took some cultures, which hurt like hell, and he said they shouldn't have. So he did some more tests with my pain reactions, and called me into his office. He said my uterus was "very tender and weak" & most likely enlarged, therefore pressing on the nerves in my back. We'll find out in a week whether or not it's an infection, or endomecreosius (I cannot spell to save my life). If it's the latter, he's putting me in for surgery.
Even now on my pain medication, I am in excrutiating, but dull and aching pain. I can't help but think I really messed myself up. I've hurt everyone that I love, and myself. Please help me stay sober. I'm sick of this and feeling this way about myself. I want life to be beautiful without drugs and booze.
Other than that. Uh. I'm a writer.
