Archive for the ‘Cheeks’ tag
OT Heavy Heart
the news today regarding hank's dad is not good.....the surgery performed last friday on his lung did not have the hoped for effect.....the lung simply will not heal....the chest tube remains inserted and there is air leaking out which is filing up the subcutaneous tissue, his cheeks looked like he was trying to blow up a balloon....his breathing is getting more difficult, his pain level has increased and he is experiencing frequent vigorous nose bleeds. they now recommend a nursing care facility as there is virtually nothing they can do for him IN the hospital.
hank's mom called me today with the news....she was so distraught, crying, trying to be strong. i felt so honored that she reached out to me first....she wasn't asking for solutions, just needed to share what was going on. i wracked my brain for ANY other option - sadly, none exist. they are looking for a nursing facility near to their home, however she won't have a chance to check it out first as they plan to transport dad tomorrow.
in my role as hank's best and closest friend, it was my job to break the news to him today. we've left a message with his mom, she will call when she can. if i had to pick one word for my feelings right now it's bereft. and yet there is an underlying deep gratitude.....that i GET to be part of this family's process....that i get to bear witness to the incredible love and closeness they share, the love that needs not be spoken often to exist, the inner reservoir of strength these people possess. a gratitude that hank and i are on a different track today, the one that allowed this sad time to FIND us, that we have not run, that we are not so f'd up on dope that we could not be bothered, that we are privileged to have just enough financial resources to help them out just a bit.
let us hope darryl's final days are pain free and peaceful. no one deserves to die this way........i'm so sick of cancer.
hank's mom called me today with the news....she was so distraught, crying, trying to be strong. i felt so honored that she reached out to me first....she wasn't asking for solutions, just needed to share what was going on. i wracked my brain for ANY other option - sadly, none exist. they are looking for a nursing facility near to their home, however she won't have a chance to check it out first as they plan to transport dad tomorrow.
in my role as hank's best and closest friend, it was my job to break the news to him today. we've left a message with his mom, she will call when she can. if i had to pick one word for my feelings right now it's bereft. and yet there is an underlying deep gratitude.....that i GET to be part of this family's process....that i get to bear witness to the incredible love and closeness they share, the love that needs not be spoken often to exist, the inner reservoir of strength these people possess. a gratitude that hank and i are on a different track today, the one that allowed this sad time to FIND us, that we have not run, that we are not so f'd up on dope that we could not be bothered, that we are privileged to have just enough financial resources to help them out just a bit.
let us hope darryl's final days are pain free and peaceful. no one deserves to die this way........i'm so sick of cancer.
First Time Aunt!
Hi everybody,
Today I became an aunt to the world's most adorable baby, complete with squishy fat cheeks and a double chin (she is a BIG girl!!). I am thrilled that both baby and mom are doing well, and that I finally got to meet the little one I've been waiting forever to see. I celebrated by NOT having a drink!
Today I became an aunt to the world's most adorable baby, complete with squishy fat cheeks and a double chin (she is a BIG girl!!). I am thrilled that both baby and mom are doing well, and that I finally got to meet the little one I've been waiting forever to see. I celebrated by NOT having a drink!
I Am Hurting Really Bad Inside
Right now it feels as thou my whole world its crashing down. :( This is the first time that I have felt hopeless and utterly empty inside while clean and sober.
I have went thru sooo many changes in the last 6 weeks, here are just some of them.
Daughter moving in with me, moving out of my apt, (leaving husband and stepson behind, for now), moving in with my mother, my mother is very ill and needs help, changing jobs, my daughter changing schools(she hates it),
changing home group and new meetings, loosing my sponsor, my daughter revealed she has tried drugs before(thats why she moved in with me now ), my step son has gotten in serious trouble, and the list could go on...........
Using and drinking are not options at this point and I am going to a meeting a day, I just feel so so numb inside, so defeated, overwelmed. I want to cry, yell/scream, and cry some more. I have shared about it, write about it, but it just feels like nothings working. I feel separated from the program and my higher power even thou I pray everyday, some times almost all day just to keep my composure close to a functioning human being for my daughter's sake.
I just want to shut down from everyone and everything.
I have felt like this when I was active in my disease, also When I was a dry drunk..... but NEVER have I felt like this when I am going to meetings, working with others, sharing about it, having commitments, writting and doing my steps, regularly!!!!
I feel so bad right now. I tried to take a long walk, talk about it, help someone else, even sleep... but I just sit here and stare into space with blank thoughts in my mind, overloaded, totally numb, tears just rolling down my cheeks.
I hope it goes away.... deep down I know it gets better, I just do not feel it right now, and I hate it so much.
I really needed to post this cuz there is nobody I want to talk to right now. No one at all.
Thank you for letting me share.
I have went thru sooo many changes in the last 6 weeks, here are just some of them.
Daughter moving in with me, moving out of my apt, (leaving husband and stepson behind, for now), moving in with my mother, my mother is very ill and needs help, changing jobs, my daughter changing schools(she hates it),
changing home group and new meetings, loosing my sponsor, my daughter revealed she has tried drugs before(thats why she moved in with me now ), my step son has gotten in serious trouble, and the list could go on...........
Using and drinking are not options at this point and I am going to a meeting a day, I just feel so so numb inside, so defeated, overwelmed. I want to cry, yell/scream, and cry some more. I have shared about it, write about it, but it just feels like nothings working. I feel separated from the program and my higher power even thou I pray everyday, some times almost all day just to keep my composure close to a functioning human being for my daughter's sake.
I just want to shut down from everyone and everything.
I have felt like this when I was active in my disease, also When I was a dry drunk..... but NEVER have I felt like this when I am going to meetings, working with others, sharing about it, having commitments, writting and doing my steps, regularly!!!!
I feel so bad right now. I tried to take a long walk, talk about it, help someone else, even sleep... but I just sit here and stare into space with blank thoughts in my mind, overloaded, totally numb, tears just rolling down my cheeks.
I hope it goes away.... deep down I know it gets better, I just do not feel it right now, and I hate it so much.
I really needed to post this cuz there is nobody I want to talk to right now. No one at all.
Thank you for letting me share.
Day 3
Recap - I finally reached my limit with abf Saturday night and left him at the bar. After that I went to his house and got my things (mainly - laptop, some clothes).
Sunday - Anger at him for his behavior, his lack of keeping promises, angry that he is an alcoholic, angry that I fell in love with him then finally the sadness kicked in. I think I was better off when I was angry at him. I don't like the crying.
Monday Night - Horrible night last night, lots of crying and researching alcoholism on the internet. Everything I read says "RUN", while I haven't run, I have managed to distance myself even though it's tearing me up.
Tuesday - Doing what I have (need) to in order to get by. I'm sure I was the most miserable person to look at while at work today. It's almost like the life has been sucked out of me and I'm just surviving.
Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I type this. I'm trying not to focus on him yet I can't help but miss him. He is my best friend, my love, and the man I thought I would one day marry.
Still no phone call and or email from him except for the one time he tried to call me Saturday night right after I left him at the bar. I did not hear the phone so never answered and no voice mail was left.
I'm not close to anyone at work, so I have no one there to talk to, there are to many other issues going on with my sons for me to talk to them, and it's taking every bit of willpower I have not to pick up the phone and call him. Yet I know if I do, it will ultimately destroy me as long as he continues to drink.
I know in the long run I will be fine and hopefully better off so I have to go through this grieving process so please forgive me for having this "pity" party here but it was either post here and ask for your continued thoughts and prayers or call him.
Sunday - Anger at him for his behavior, his lack of keeping promises, angry that he is an alcoholic, angry that I fell in love with him then finally the sadness kicked in. I think I was better off when I was angry at him. I don't like the crying.
Monday Night - Horrible night last night, lots of crying and researching alcoholism on the internet. Everything I read says "RUN", while I haven't run, I have managed to distance myself even though it's tearing me up.
Tuesday - Doing what I have (need) to in order to get by. I'm sure I was the most miserable person to look at while at work today. It's almost like the life has been sucked out of me and I'm just surviving.
Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I type this. I'm trying not to focus on him yet I can't help but miss him. He is my best friend, my love, and the man I thought I would one day marry.
Still no phone call and or email from him except for the one time he tried to call me Saturday night right after I left him at the bar. I did not hear the phone so never answered and no voice mail was left.
I'm not close to anyone at work, so I have no one there to talk to, there are to many other issues going on with my sons for me to talk to them, and it's taking every bit of willpower I have not to pick up the phone and call him. Yet I know if I do, it will ultimately destroy me as long as he continues to drink.
I know in the long run I will be fine and hopefully better off so I have to go through this grieving process so please forgive me for having this "pity" party here but it was either post here and ask for your continued thoughts and prayers or call him.
