Archive for the ‘Chemicals’ tag
My boyfriend just relapsed. Am I handling this correctly?
I will try to keep this short as it has the potential to be very LONG. I have no experience with alcoholism in all my life until I met this man. I am 22 and he is 26. After kissing millions of frogs I finally found my prince. When I got with him I was very aware of his past with alcohol. He was two years sober.
Recently we began having problems, arguing and such. He started drinking, again. Doing coke, again. I will not sleep with him because I'm a virgin, and that is the cause of most of our fights. Now that he's drinking I am DEFINITELY not sleeping with him and I told him that. It is a devestation that no words exsist to describe. I have no idea what to do, no idea what to say, I feel like he is slowly slipping away from me. He is deeply, deeply depressed and is on medication which was controlling it. I tell him that drinking while taking the medication is extremely dangerous as the medication alone is already messing with the chemicals in his brain. Throw drinks and coke in there and... it's painful to even think about it. I have cried myself to sleep and literally made myself sick over this. It is the worst feeling of absolute isolation and helplessness. He is not in denial. He is very aware of what he is doing and how it is effecting me and himself. He just can't stop. He is not an angry drunk, in fact, all he really does is get wasted, come home and pass out. It's almost like he is the same man, just sillier. He is not verbally abusive to me when he is drunk, nor physically.
For the most part I have been by his side at all times because he never used to drink while I was with him. For a while that was enough and he once went an entire five days without a drink. I thought I was seeing progress. Then he started to ask if he could take me home (I don't have a car). Whenever he asks to take me home I know it's because he wants to get drunk and doesn't want me to see him that way as I am a crying, hysterical mess every time I do. For the most part when he asks me to leave I refuse to go because in the past my presence has kept him from drinking, but that is obviously no longer the case. Over the last few days he has been sneaking out and getting drunk in his car while I was asleep and I would wake up to him wasted/passed out. This was my last straw, it is too hearwrenching. I cried/screamed at him, threw out all of his beer, told him to never talk to me again and stormed out. After a long night of googling I've come to the realization that these are the three absolute worst things one can do to an alcoholic. They were right. Last night he was worse then I've ever seen him.
I just have a few questions and I would apprechiate any answers, please.
1) When he first started drinking again he brought his old AA books over to my place and was reading them, he even said to me that he was thinking about going back to AA meetings. Was this the point that I should have really pushed him? Or is his just mentioning going to AA in jest not enough? Everything I've read has told me that he has to make the phone call on his own, make the decision on his own, take action on his own, but if he is reading AA books and talking about AA meetings isn't that a cry for help? Should I not have taken action just because HE wasn't the one making the call? This was all weeks ago. Am I too late? I will always agonize over not taking his keys the moment he said this and dragging him out to the car for the meeting. All I did was say, "You absolutely should go back to meetings. I'll go with you". He said that he likes the all male meetings, so I couldn't go. That was it. :(
2) I broke up with him even though he told me that was the one thing that would make everything worse, but I don't know what else to do. I told him that I cannot see him outside of work anymore (we work together) but that he was welcome to call me whenever he needed to and if he was ready to get sober I would be behind him 100%. Am I going about this correctly? Should I not even let him call me on the phone? I can't see him anymore as it is agony and I know I have to take care of myself but cutting off all contact COMPLETELY seems like abandonment. Plus, I kind of need to hear his voice everyday to calm the anxiety I feel for him every other second. To make sure he's alive, and not overdosing in a ditch somewhere.
All of the articles I've read say that in a relationship with an alcoholic it is important to leave them as they will never need to help themselves if they are having everything handed to them, but that seems so broad. What do they mean by leaving them? Do they mean dissapear from their lives completely i.e no phone calls, no interaction, no nothing? Or just set minimal boundaries, as I have?
I have no ******* idea what to do. No idea. I'm in agony. Please help.
Recently we began having problems, arguing and such. He started drinking, again. Doing coke, again. I will not sleep with him because I'm a virgin, and that is the cause of most of our fights. Now that he's drinking I am DEFINITELY not sleeping with him and I told him that. It is a devestation that no words exsist to describe. I have no idea what to do, no idea what to say, I feel like he is slowly slipping away from me. He is deeply, deeply depressed and is on medication which was controlling it. I tell him that drinking while taking the medication is extremely dangerous as the medication alone is already messing with the chemicals in his brain. Throw drinks and coke in there and... it's painful to even think about it. I have cried myself to sleep and literally made myself sick over this. It is the worst feeling of absolute isolation and helplessness. He is not in denial. He is very aware of what he is doing and how it is effecting me and himself. He just can't stop. He is not an angry drunk, in fact, all he really does is get wasted, come home and pass out. It's almost like he is the same man, just sillier. He is not verbally abusive to me when he is drunk, nor physically.
For the most part I have been by his side at all times because he never used to drink while I was with him. For a while that was enough and he once went an entire five days without a drink. I thought I was seeing progress. Then he started to ask if he could take me home (I don't have a car). Whenever he asks to take me home I know it's because he wants to get drunk and doesn't want me to see him that way as I am a crying, hysterical mess every time I do. For the most part when he asks me to leave I refuse to go because in the past my presence has kept him from drinking, but that is obviously no longer the case. Over the last few days he has been sneaking out and getting drunk in his car while I was asleep and I would wake up to him wasted/passed out. This was my last straw, it is too hearwrenching. I cried/screamed at him, threw out all of his beer, told him to never talk to me again and stormed out. After a long night of googling I've come to the realization that these are the three absolute worst things one can do to an alcoholic. They were right. Last night he was worse then I've ever seen him.
I just have a few questions and I would apprechiate any answers, please.
1) When he first started drinking again he brought his old AA books over to my place and was reading them, he even said to me that he was thinking about going back to AA meetings. Was this the point that I should have really pushed him? Or is his just mentioning going to AA in jest not enough? Everything I've read has told me that he has to make the phone call on his own, make the decision on his own, take action on his own, but if he is reading AA books and talking about AA meetings isn't that a cry for help? Should I not have taken action just because HE wasn't the one making the call? This was all weeks ago. Am I too late? I will always agonize over not taking his keys the moment he said this and dragging him out to the car for the meeting. All I did was say, "You absolutely should go back to meetings. I'll go with you". He said that he likes the all male meetings, so I couldn't go. That was it. :(
2) I broke up with him even though he told me that was the one thing that would make everything worse, but I don't know what else to do. I told him that I cannot see him outside of work anymore (we work together) but that he was welcome to call me whenever he needed to and if he was ready to get sober I would be behind him 100%. Am I going about this correctly? Should I not even let him call me on the phone? I can't see him anymore as it is agony and I know I have to take care of myself but cutting off all contact COMPLETELY seems like abandonment. Plus, I kind of need to hear his voice everyday to calm the anxiety I feel for him every other second. To make sure he's alive, and not overdosing in a ditch somewhere.
All of the articles I've read say that in a relationship with an alcoholic it is important to leave them as they will never need to help themselves if they are having everything handed to them, but that seems so broad. What do they mean by leaving them? Do they mean dissapear from their lives completely i.e no phone calls, no interaction, no nothing? Or just set minimal boundaries, as I have?
I have no ******* idea what to do. No idea. I'm in agony. Please help.
Legal Seperation
Well I finally did it. This morning I found my husbands drug ***** buddy who I have a restraining order against sitting in my daughters school parking lot. I called the sheriff's out and went to file for legal seperation from him.
He went to his Christmas party last night and was suppose to be at work at 5 am. But instead he thought that I was gone to work but I stayed home a little later this morning. I don't know if he had planned on letting her into our home but, I didn't take a chance my childrens future is at stake. Maybe one day soon if he decides to straighten out his life. We can make it work. Until then my kids and I are most important.
FYI he came in smelling just like chemicals today. I'm quite sure its meth. He called and said that he didn't tell her to come around the corner but, what a coincedence. He said please BELIEVE me. I told him he was ful of !#$^ and today is the day that I claim my life back and stop being addicted to him. He kept saying...I"M NOT ON DRUGS!!!! Yeah right if your not on drugs why do you have to keep saying it!!!!!!!!
He went to his Christmas party last night and was suppose to be at work at 5 am. But instead he thought that I was gone to work but I stayed home a little later this morning. I don't know if he had planned on letting her into our home but, I didn't take a chance my childrens future is at stake. Maybe one day soon if he decides to straighten out his life. We can make it work. Until then my kids and I are most important.
FYI he came in smelling just like chemicals today. I'm quite sure its meth. He called and said that he didn't tell her to come around the corner but, what a coincedence. He said please BELIEVE me. I told him he was ful of !#$^ and today is the day that I claim my life back and stop being addicted to him. He kept saying...I"M NOT ON DRUGS!!!! Yeah right if your not on drugs why do you have to keep saying it!!!!!!!!
Stuff is really fun again!!!!
Here is some really good news!
I haven't been on much due to busy, crazy life.
And I've been having so much fun lately!
Good, clean fun!!!
A year ago, I never thought I'd have fun again straight.
I was just going to stay clean to be a good mom/employee.
But I hung in there, and now, little stuff is just as fun or more as it ever was!!!
It did take time for my "fun-meter" to readjust itself so that I didn't need chemicals to have a ball, but it did happen.
Just in case anyone is wondering, took about 6 months to be back to normal, and was really gradual.
I am really enjoying things like:
time with kids
stupid bowling trips
walking in the park
quilting/painting
parties/NA dances
family functions
talks with dear friends
hugs
other physical stuff
shopping
makeup/doing my nails
travel
For me, contemplating getting clean was like being at the bottom of a dark pit. I never thought I'd dig my way out of the despair. I feel much happier out.
So if you are thinking about getting clean, I'm here to tell you to start digging, it's better up here!
:dig
KJ
I haven't been on much due to busy, crazy life.
And I've been having so much fun lately!
Good, clean fun!!!
A year ago, I never thought I'd have fun again straight.
I was just going to stay clean to be a good mom/employee.
But I hung in there, and now, little stuff is just as fun or more as it ever was!!!
It did take time for my "fun-meter" to readjust itself so that I didn't need chemicals to have a ball, but it did happen.
Just in case anyone is wondering, took about 6 months to be back to normal, and was really gradual.
I am really enjoying things like:
time with kids
stupid bowling trips
walking in the park
quilting/painting
parties/NA dances
family functions
talks with dear friends
hugs
other physical stuff
shopping
makeup/doing my nails
travel
For me, contemplating getting clean was like being at the bottom of a dark pit. I never thought I'd dig my way out of the despair. I feel much happier out.
So if you are thinking about getting clean, I'm here to tell you to start digging, it's better up here!
:dig
KJ
My REAL Day 1 is TODAY
I have 44 Days without alcohol, but ZERO days of true sobriety and freedom from addiction.
Today will be my real Day 1.
No more chemicals.
True sobriety.
I have been fooling myself and others and this cannot go on anymore. I have continued to remain addicted to nicotine through the use of a daily nicotine patch. I have continued to smoke pot, and I have continued to take the Tylenol with codeine pills that we have in the house.
No more.
Today is Day 1.
Today will be my real Day 1.
No more chemicals.
True sobriety.
I have been fooling myself and others and this cannot go on anymore. I have continued to remain addicted to nicotine through the use of a daily nicotine patch. I have continued to smoke pot, and I have continued to take the Tylenol with codeine pills that we have in the house.
No more.
Today is Day 1.
Why are cigarettes & caffeine exceptions in AA/NA
Nicotine & caffeine are mood-altering chemicals... yet it's commonly accepted that they will not "lead us back" to our DOC in the same way that drugs like alcohol or pot will.
Why the distinction? I definitely enjoy smoking & drinking coffee...and would definitely consider myself addicted to nicotine. Is it because these drugs don't have the capacity to make my life truly unmanageable? Let's say I was sober from ALL drugs and "relapsed" by chugging an energy drink and smoking a cig. I would definitely feel great and get "buzzed." Where is that line between mood-altering chemicals that exempts nicotine and caffeine?
I know I'm playing devils advocate here but it's something I've wondered from day one.
Why the distinction? I definitely enjoy smoking & drinking coffee...and would definitely consider myself addicted to nicotine. Is it because these drugs don't have the capacity to make my life truly unmanageable? Let's say I was sober from ALL drugs and "relapsed" by chugging an energy drink and smoking a cig. I would definitely feel great and get "buzzed." Where is that line between mood-altering chemicals that exempts nicotine and caffeine?
I know I'm playing devils advocate here but it's something I've wondered from day one.
Some guilt?
Well I don't feel quite as bad and ashamed after last night's relapse as I thought I would. At least I had 6 days. I'm not proud of it but I guess beating myself up won't do any good? I think I can do more because I have in the past, but I was on anti depressants- which I no longer have access to because of unemployment and lack of insurance. On anti depressants I made a whole two months sober. I plan to call the lady who offered to be my sponsor tonight. The friend who bartends wants to go to an AA meeting with me, he says alcohol is ruining his life. Does anyone have any thoughts on being on SSRIs and other such meds after years of drinking? Wouldn't it be best to give your system a break from as many chemicals as posible after abusing it for years?
Normies vs Alkies from the beginning
I heard something interesting recently that got me thinking..
It was about the 10th Step. The person said we have to stay on top of our inventory, keep it within the day. We are not like normal people that donÂ’t have to do inventory, or worry about resentments ect..
Why is that.. Where did it come from?
Mentally why are we the way we are? Why do we have the effect of relief when we drank or drugged. The ease and comfort we felt, made us feel comfortable in our own skin. Why do we need to work whatever recovery program we work just to have that same effect of being OK with who we are.
What is the mental difference of the normal drinker and the alcoholic before we even put any chemicals in our body ?
For alkies and druggies .. no matter what upbringing we had, or walk of life we came from, good or bad, we seem to all have the same mental / self esteem problems of not being OK with ourselves.
Everybody has all the same fears when growing up.. Why do they cripple us to the point of seeking relief?
Why are we different from normal people from the first day we were born?
I heard Chuck C say on his “new pair of glasses” conference audio.. His take is we just feel everything more strongly than normal people.
Thoughts?
It was about the 10th Step. The person said we have to stay on top of our inventory, keep it within the day. We are not like normal people that donÂ’t have to do inventory, or worry about resentments ect..
Why is that.. Where did it come from?
Mentally why are we the way we are? Why do we have the effect of relief when we drank or drugged. The ease and comfort we felt, made us feel comfortable in our own skin. Why do we need to work whatever recovery program we work just to have that same effect of being OK with who we are.
What is the mental difference of the normal drinker and the alcoholic before we even put any chemicals in our body ?
For alkies and druggies .. no matter what upbringing we had, or walk of life we came from, good or bad, we seem to all have the same mental / self esteem problems of not being OK with ourselves.
Everybody has all the same fears when growing up.. Why do they cripple us to the point of seeking relief?
Why are we different from normal people from the first day we were born?
I heard Chuck C say on his “new pair of glasses” conference audio.. His take is we just feel everything more strongly than normal people.
Thoughts?
