Drug Rehab Options Blog

I have been reading books on Adult children of alcoholics to try to figure out where this started. How long have I been confused and numb? Am I confused? Is the rest of the world confused? My father was an alcoholic. I married a man that is an alcoholic-less drinking but still drinking. It was progressive over the last 40 years, but I now see the 6 pack is an absolute every day. Is it normal for me to sit in the house waiting for him to come in from a beer and a cigarette 5 times a night? Is it normal for me to expect that he will drink those 6 beers every night? I try to balance this all out with he is such a nice person. He is a good man, sweet, caring and would do anything for his family...but quit drinking beer. I have forgiven him for all his indiscretions due to drinking over the last 40 years-were these normal? Should I accept this kind of life? Do I /Should I deserve more than this? Isn't this normal? I grew up with this, I have been in this relationship for 40 years-it must be normal. Don't know what the rest of the world's normal is. I am trying so hard to figure these things out. I am the reason he drinks. He started because of me, if only I could make changes he could stop drinking. He likes to have a few beers after work, blah, blah, blah.
I am going to go to an AlAnon meeting by me they will start again this month. Havent gone to one for 25 years-then I only went once and left with "detach from the alcohol part of him" so I did. His problem though has become mine, because I don't know normal. And I am scared to death to let him know. See I know he would just leave if the choice was me or alcohol-even after all these years. Would come back but all changes would be temporary. I have never threatened to leave. I don't believe in idol threats and I have never been ready to leave. I truly love him. He is my companion, best friend, confident-I know that sounds crazy. Like someone would say-do you see what you are writing? two different descriptions of your life. Sound nuts doesn't it. Now I wonder what life would be like if it was "normal". I just can't seem to find out what normal should be. I have posted a few times, and I am (I think) starting to sort things out a little, but I still find I am very scared that I am not living the "normal" life. Do I want to find out what normal is? Maybe it isn't what I am living. Do I have the inner strength/energy to act on things if I am not living "normal". I am afraid to be alone, but yet crave alone time, and yet feel lonely even though I am married. Does that even make sense??? I am trying hard, just can't seem to get it sorted out. I know Alanon meetings will help but that will be a slow process too. My son introduced me to this site and I read it every morning and every night. I have learned alot already. Enough to know-I NEED to know more, so much more.