Archive for the ‘Christmas Tree’ tag
Jason gave me a sign on Christmas night
It was Christmas night my husband went to bed and Danny my son's boy want in bed too. Danny wan't feeling good and went to bed too. I was watching TV the Christmas tree was on. I was having problems with the lights on the bottom the the tree they kept going out I had to mess with the plug and they would come back on. So they went off again I said to myself I am not going to play with that plug again. A couple of seconds went by and they came back on. I didn't think to much about it and they went off again this time they came right back on this happened a couple of times then they stayed on.
I think my Jason didn' want to spend Christmas with out me either and I did ask him to send me a sign to tell me he was ok. I think this was the sign to me to say miss and love you mum.
Love ya,
Maggie:Xmasba
I think my Jason didn' want to spend Christmas with out me either and I did ask him to send me a sign to tell me he was ok. I think this was the sign to me to say miss and love you mum.
Love ya,
Maggie:Xmasba
The Recovery Tree
I sit here and admire the Christmas tree. A tree that reflects 29 years of our family..Some of the ornaments are "hand-me" downs from family members long past. It’s the "special decorations that I look for. Tiny little hands that made this one, for mom and dad. Not something I would buy, but one worth any price; from kids’s of Christmases past.
They are all in my heart. The lights shine bright as they "race" in their programmed sequence. I remember when they just shone so bright…all through the night…and who could ever for get the bubble lights… But time moves on … the tinsel laid with such care …except way in the back where "who sees there anyhow" . The garland of colors, to enhance but not to overpower…the tree grows fuller year-by-year, with ornaments and memories.
And the gifts so many… The kids swear they never saw the numbers like that abound…to hear them tell it there was but one gift as children they had to share…could it be that gift was Love?
This year has been special…So many gifts…So many Thank-you’s on the labels…The tree is so fine…so much joy in the heart and in the mind…
But in another corner of my mind I see the glimmer of another tree. Not quite so pretty…but so dear you see. It’s my own special Recovery Tree. A tree of which I would like to say that grows each year…but the truth be told, there were some years which it diminished in size and a couple years it almost went away altogether. Now the tinsel is somewhat different…for it came from the "less than "store…to remind me of what once was…The ornaments are strange too...For the reflections tend to be distorted…I have to look very deeply to see who’s there…you and me…and who’s that there? Someone from the past…or deep from a glass…Each one has to be looked at to fully appreciate - the mysteries held inside…My tree is bigger than the year of last, for takes twelve steps to circle it round…then …you can start again… Though the ornaments seem dim and tarnished…each one tells a story…a story of recovery and what it takes to make this for me…just for today.
But what makes this tree so special are the Gifts …so many…wrapped in gold and silver…of ribbons of such colors…and within in them are Hope…Faith…Love …Forgiveness …Fellowship…oh so many…and Serenity…that’s special…But wait there are no Labels!!!…Who’s to get what and how many??? I’ve been told and I know it’s true…these gifts are to be given...to be gotten…for as we give, we receive…now isn’t that a strange lot…But then the recovery tree is indeed…uncommon …
So this year …as years gone by in the past…I have two trees…both in my heart…so on Christmas morn. Join me in gathering round the trees…so warm… may even find a cup of hot cocoa or ice tea…depends on the weather…and we can welcome that special day…as we unwrap our presents…. and give presents toothers,together. May you have Love and Peace that passes this ones understanding….
would you like to take a second and share a few of your recovery presents?
:Xmasmc
They are all in my heart. The lights shine bright as they "race" in their programmed sequence. I remember when they just shone so bright…all through the night…and who could ever for get the bubble lights… But time moves on … the tinsel laid with such care …except way in the back where "who sees there anyhow" . The garland of colors, to enhance but not to overpower…the tree grows fuller year-by-year, with ornaments and memories.
And the gifts so many… The kids swear they never saw the numbers like that abound…to hear them tell it there was but one gift as children they had to share…could it be that gift was Love?
This year has been special…So many gifts…So many Thank-you’s on the labels…The tree is so fine…so much joy in the heart and in the mind…
But in another corner of my mind I see the glimmer of another tree. Not quite so pretty…but so dear you see. It’s my own special Recovery Tree. A tree of which I would like to say that grows each year…but the truth be told, there were some years which it diminished in size and a couple years it almost went away altogether. Now the tinsel is somewhat different…for it came from the "less than "store…to remind me of what once was…The ornaments are strange too...For the reflections tend to be distorted…I have to look very deeply to see who’s there…you and me…and who’s that there? Someone from the past…or deep from a glass…Each one has to be looked at to fully appreciate - the mysteries held inside…My tree is bigger than the year of last, for takes twelve steps to circle it round…then …you can start again… Though the ornaments seem dim and tarnished…each one tells a story…a story of recovery and what it takes to make this for me…just for today.
But what makes this tree so special are the Gifts …so many…wrapped in gold and silver…of ribbons of such colors…and within in them are Hope…Faith…Love …Forgiveness …Fellowship…oh so many…and Serenity…that’s special…But wait there are no Labels!!!…Who’s to get what and how many??? I’ve been told and I know it’s true…these gifts are to be given...to be gotten…for as we give, we receive…now isn’t that a strange lot…But then the recovery tree is indeed…uncommon …
So this year …as years gone by in the past…I have two trees…both in my heart…so on Christmas morn. Join me in gathering round the trees…so warm… may even find a cup of hot cocoa or ice tea…depends on the weather…and we can welcome that special day…as we unwrap our presents…. and give presents toothers,together. May you have Love and Peace that passes this ones understanding….
would you like to take a second and share a few of your recovery presents?
:Xmasmc
Rough Day
Today was the last day of school for me, and I managed to finish my painting for the critique at school. But the day was horrible. I felt so alone. I really missed my girlfriend and the way she used to look at me. (She's almost 2 years sober, and I did another thread earlier this week about the details of the breakup a week and a half ago.)
I still don't have cravings to get high right now (10 days sober), but I don't know if having new emotions every 15 minutes has anything to do with not being high anymore or soley from the breakup. Anyway, I choked my way through the critique at school after getting up early and painting with a lump in my throat. I don't know how I did it. But the semester is over now, and that is quite a relief. I have some time to reflect and just live.
I have also been full of guilt, about past compulsive actions I have taken like 8 or 9 years ago. Addiction is my name. Luckily, I haven't bottomed out on alot of other slippery slopes, but I still feel shame and embarrassment. All this past buried stuff has haunted me. I know I am different now, even years before I quit getting high recently, but super bad things I have done still bother me.
After school at about 6 I was supposed to be at my mom's to eat dinner and meet up with my brother to trim mom's christmas tree, but on the way over there, I thought about calling my ex-gf. I was wondering if it was because I wanted to control things, or because I just wanted to hug her. I realized it was the latter. So I texted her, asking if she was home. She called back and said that was weird because she was about to call me.
I told myself to not give in to trying to control a reconciliation of the relationship, and just embrace her. That's what I did. She opened the door, and we just hugged each other, silently for 10 minutes. She started crying, and I cried too. It felt so good just to do that with her. We talked and hugged more for about 30 minutes. My getting high was my priority in our relationship, as I have detailed before, but she said tonight that she has alot of addictions, including love and relationships. She was always in a relationship before me. She said she just needs to be alone. I asked her if I was just another addiction, and she said "I don't know". But she looked at me like she loved me, and cried. Then we talked about sobriety and I let her know how much I care for her and how great she is. I feel good about that. We held each other like it was the first time. I'm glad I saw her. But I have to live today and today only.
Then I went to mom's, and tonight I told her about my addiction and that I am 10 days sober. She had no idea I was getting high, and I told her that I have for a long time. She took it well, but is used to being around the program in al-anon. It wasn't an issue, and she just fed me (lol). It was a relaxing night at mom's, something I have taken for granted for far too long.
Hope everyone here is doing ok. Love you guys.
I still don't have cravings to get high right now (10 days sober), but I don't know if having new emotions every 15 minutes has anything to do with not being high anymore or soley from the breakup. Anyway, I choked my way through the critique at school after getting up early and painting with a lump in my throat. I don't know how I did it. But the semester is over now, and that is quite a relief. I have some time to reflect and just live.
I have also been full of guilt, about past compulsive actions I have taken like 8 or 9 years ago. Addiction is my name. Luckily, I haven't bottomed out on alot of other slippery slopes, but I still feel shame and embarrassment. All this past buried stuff has haunted me. I know I am different now, even years before I quit getting high recently, but super bad things I have done still bother me.
After school at about 6 I was supposed to be at my mom's to eat dinner and meet up with my brother to trim mom's christmas tree, but on the way over there, I thought about calling my ex-gf. I was wondering if it was because I wanted to control things, or because I just wanted to hug her. I realized it was the latter. So I texted her, asking if she was home. She called back and said that was weird because she was about to call me.
I told myself to not give in to trying to control a reconciliation of the relationship, and just embrace her. That's what I did. She opened the door, and we just hugged each other, silently for 10 minutes. She started crying, and I cried too. It felt so good just to do that with her. We talked and hugged more for about 30 minutes. My getting high was my priority in our relationship, as I have detailed before, but she said tonight that she has alot of addictions, including love and relationships. She was always in a relationship before me. She said she just needs to be alone. I asked her if I was just another addiction, and she said "I don't know". But she looked at me like she loved me, and cried. Then we talked about sobriety and I let her know how much I care for her and how great she is. I feel good about that. We held each other like it was the first time. I'm glad I saw her. But I have to live today and today only.
Then I went to mom's, and tonight I told her about my addiction and that I am 10 days sober. She had no idea I was getting high, and I told her that I have for a long time. She took it well, but is used to being around the program in al-anon. It wasn't an issue, and she just fed me (lol). It was a relaxing night at mom's, something I have taken for granted for far too long.
Hope everyone here is doing ok. Love you guys.
Prayers & more Prayers
Where to begin. I've been writing posts and then just deleting them. You know when things have been so bad; but not out of control bad. I do not have real reason to kick him out bad; but things have an under lying evil, bad. Maybe I should hit the delete button.
My AH keeps talking about getting a puppy. I of course said we are not getting one; for all the usual (too much work and I'm the only one who would be around to do it) reasons. It's kind of gone back and forth; but I've been told that no matter what he's bringing home a puppy sometime after Christmas. He's never even home to take care of anything living. When I said I wasn't taking care of it. I was threatened with divorce told I would have to live on welfare. Told what a rotten wife I am. Threatened how he would make sure to do me out of money from the sale of our house. On and on it went. Kind of like torture. He ended our "talk" with that "we" where going to work on our relationship. That's all crap. Working on it means me just shutting up and doing what he wants.
I hardly had time to wonder about hiring a private investigator when two days later I had surgery. He chased my children out of the room while I was under and when I woke up there he was. He put on quite the loving husband show. Thank God for my 22 year old daughter living with me or for the past 3 days I would be trapped in my room.
Today he just told me he wanted to know how long before I could decorate the Christmas tree. I have two holes in my stomach I'm glad he has such compassion! I'm sure if I'm not well by Saturday there will be an issue if I can't make it to his work Christmas party.
Anyway, Thanks for letting me complain... But I really need extra prayers. I need to find a place to rent so I can get out of here. My daughter has been waiting for full-time at her hospital or part-time at another hospital (she's going to help with rent when we leave)...I need a place that accepts pets...I also need prayer for safety...he keeps making me feel that some how he's dangerous even though he's never "really" hurt me.
Thanks all... Oh Don't worry I'm not telling him that I'm leaving! Until after...And no forwarding address...
My AH keeps talking about getting a puppy. I of course said we are not getting one; for all the usual (too much work and I'm the only one who would be around to do it) reasons. It's kind of gone back and forth; but I've been told that no matter what he's bringing home a puppy sometime after Christmas. He's never even home to take care of anything living. When I said I wasn't taking care of it. I was threatened with divorce told I would have to live on welfare. Told what a rotten wife I am. Threatened how he would make sure to do me out of money from the sale of our house. On and on it went. Kind of like torture. He ended our "talk" with that "we" where going to work on our relationship. That's all crap. Working on it means me just shutting up and doing what he wants.
I hardly had time to wonder about hiring a private investigator when two days later I had surgery. He chased my children out of the room while I was under and when I woke up there he was. He put on quite the loving husband show. Thank God for my 22 year old daughter living with me or for the past 3 days I would be trapped in my room.
Today he just told me he wanted to know how long before I could decorate the Christmas tree. I have two holes in my stomach I'm glad he has such compassion! I'm sure if I'm not well by Saturday there will be an issue if I can't make it to his work Christmas party.
Anyway, Thanks for letting me complain... But I really need extra prayers. I need to find a place to rent so I can get out of here. My daughter has been waiting for full-time at her hospital or part-time at another hospital (she's going to help with rent when we leave)...I need a place that accepts pets...I also need prayer for safety...he keeps making me feel that some how he's dangerous even though he's never "really" hurt me.
Thanks all... Oh Don't worry I'm not telling him that I'm leaving! Until after...And no forwarding address...
Need Advice/Help Understanding
I need elp understanding why the A (recoverery 4 years) in my life still has to blame everything on me. And still treats me and the kids like crap. I would love to leave him but financially I can't. (Even though hes out of work now too.)
Today is a prime example. We decided yesterday to go today for the christmas tree with the kids (4 kids - 16, 14, 12, & 8). When he got up this morning or should I say this afternoon he acted like we weren't going. And even said so. Then when I told the kids we weren't going today he decided to take his shower and asked why we all were't ready yet. When we got out to the car he started yelling at me because I didn't fill the tire on the car. (He started to on friday night but claims he didn't. That it is now my job. Not his because he doesn't drive.)
We finally got to the tree farm and with him asking me what was wrong. Like he didn't know? I chose to ignore him. At the tree farm I of course picked the wrong way to go - cause he knows best. Then I picked the wrong tree of course. After cutting down the dreaded tree and paying for it I asked if we going in the barn for hot chocolate (we do this every year the kids expect it). He informs us he has to get back home to go work at the neighbors house. Like we were supposed to know he had to work.
Now the tree is still on the roof of the car, he's next door working and the kids have so much tension built up they are taking it out on each other.
Sorry this is so long. And probably makes no sense. Thanks for reading and thanks for being there I feel a little better typing this out.
Today is a prime example. We decided yesterday to go today for the christmas tree with the kids (4 kids - 16, 14, 12, & 8). When he got up this morning or should I say this afternoon he acted like we weren't going. And even said so. Then when I told the kids we weren't going today he decided to take his shower and asked why we all were't ready yet. When we got out to the car he started yelling at me because I didn't fill the tire on the car. (He started to on friday night but claims he didn't. That it is now my job. Not his because he doesn't drive.)
We finally got to the tree farm and with him asking me what was wrong. Like he didn't know? I chose to ignore him. At the tree farm I of course picked the wrong way to go - cause he knows best. Then I picked the wrong tree of course. After cutting down the dreaded tree and paying for it I asked if we going in the barn for hot chocolate (we do this every year the kids expect it). He informs us he has to get back home to go work at the neighbors house. Like we were supposed to know he had to work.
Now the tree is still on the roof of the car, he's next door working and the kids have so much tension built up they are taking it out on each other.
Sorry this is so long. And probably makes no sense. Thanks for reading and thanks for being there I feel a little better typing this out.
Is anyone else getting/giving themselves something for Christmas?
Thank god for plastic. I am going to buy myself a hand held massage type thing. It will be great when my fibro is going mad.
Don't ask how I am paying for it.
I have 100 interst free days to figure that out.
I may even wrap it up and put it under our Christmas tree.
I dunno if I have ever brought/giving myself something for Christmas. It sounds a bit like something a counsellor would suggest and a few years ago I would've mocked.
But I am probably more open minded these days.
Emotional pain is good for that.
Anyone else giving themselves something for Christmas?
Don't ask how I am paying for it.
I have 100 interst free days to figure that out.
I may even wrap it up and put it under our Christmas tree.
I dunno if I have ever brought/giving myself something for Christmas. It sounds a bit like something a counsellor would suggest and a few years ago I would've mocked.
But I am probably more open minded these days.
Emotional pain is good for that.
Anyone else giving themselves something for Christmas?
Told AH what I thought about our situation…
I called him, yeah I know kinda chicken but I get so nervous when I talk to him in person......
I told him his drinking was out of hand again,(last wk he got drunk at a family restaurant w/ the kids and then I came home from work later that week to find him "with a pretty good buzz going" while he was supposed to be watching the kids, one of which is disabled) that he was embarassing me, the kids in public and family-type situations. That it made me feel horrible to have to tell our daughter what was wrong with daddy. That it makes me feel uncomfortable when he drinks...
It took me a little whilel, but I got out a lot of things about how his drinking made me and our daugther feel.
His only response was that he wanted to know what I wanted him to do......
He said he was proud of me for not having vice's like smoking or drinking, but that's not him.
When I got home from work all the beer in the fridge was gone and he was alseep (I work 2nd shift part-time). Today he hasn't talked to me AT ALL. Any conversation was immediately squashed, he never said one "love you" on the phone when I said I made supper(which he refused to eat) or any other time. For him this is unusual because he is the one that says it first on the phone every time. He asked me if I was going to put up a Christmas tree.
Just makes me feel like crap, I kind of figured he'd be this way...but it still feels bad and gets me upset.
I told him his drinking was out of hand again,(last wk he got drunk at a family restaurant w/ the kids and then I came home from work later that week to find him "with a pretty good buzz going" while he was supposed to be watching the kids, one of which is disabled) that he was embarassing me, the kids in public and family-type situations. That it made me feel horrible to have to tell our daughter what was wrong with daddy. That it makes me feel uncomfortable when he drinks...
It took me a little whilel, but I got out a lot of things about how his drinking made me and our daugther feel.
His only response was that he wanted to know what I wanted him to do......
He said he was proud of me for not having vice's like smoking or drinking, but that's not him.
When I got home from work all the beer in the fridge was gone and he was alseep (I work 2nd shift part-time). Today he hasn't talked to me AT ALL. Any conversation was immediately squashed, he never said one "love you" on the phone when I said I made supper(which he refused to eat) or any other time. For him this is unusual because he is the one that says it first on the phone every time. He asked me if I was going to put up a Christmas tree.
Just makes me feel like crap, I kind of figured he'd be this way...but it still feels bad and gets me upset.
Holiday looking blue………
I woke up this morning and realized that the Christmas Tree my little one and I decorated will have nothing under it come christmas..... the money isn't there and yet I was able to save recycle to turn in for a gift for my little one ( she wanted a baby doll and a bike ) . But that was all I could do without asking for help. I asked if I could get into a program to make sure my little one gets something for the holidays ,but was told we were not poor enough and my H. made too much money. But all the money he makes only pays the bills to keep the house over our heads and keeps the utilities on and that is important . We do have is each other and our faith to hold this house together....and that also keeps our hearts warm.
Thanksgiving was the same and yet friends helped with some food we needed and my hubby felt we didn't need the food..... I told him to be thankful for the help we do get and to thank our friends around us..... He continues to drink on days off and that is a bothersome thing that I hide myself from...... I just find other things to do or just go someplace to stay away.....
I pray that I can hang in there and keep the faith with my own program ...... I have come too far to give up all the almost 23 years I have being sober.... January 1 2009 will be 23 years for me and I look forward to each new year....
My Hubby knows this is the highlight of my life besides being married 10 years with him..... and my 8 year old daughter....
For this Christmas I pray for one special gift and that is to have a sober house back......... to see my other half get to meetings again and find himself rather than the bottle he hides in the garage and the meds he takes with that bottle..... I want my family back so we can have the fun of doing things together without disruptions.....:a043:
Please Mr. Jesus, bring peace back in my house this Christmas.... let my family have the laughter of a sober house and not a drunk house..... let us love each other in a normal way and be thankful for the friends we have today........Amen..
Little Penguin :ghug
Thanksgiving was the same and yet friends helped with some food we needed and my hubby felt we didn't need the food..... I told him to be thankful for the help we do get and to thank our friends around us..... He continues to drink on days off and that is a bothersome thing that I hide myself from...... I just find other things to do or just go someplace to stay away.....
I pray that I can hang in there and keep the faith with my own program ...... I have come too far to give up all the almost 23 years I have being sober.... January 1 2009 will be 23 years for me and I look forward to each new year....
My Hubby knows this is the highlight of my life besides being married 10 years with him..... and my 8 year old daughter....
For this Christmas I pray for one special gift and that is to have a sober house back......... to see my other half get to meetings again and find himself rather than the bottle he hides in the garage and the meds he takes with that bottle..... I want my family back so we can have the fun of doing things together without disruptions.....:a043:
Please Mr. Jesus, bring peace back in my house this Christmas.... let my family have the laughter of a sober house and not a drunk house..... let us love each other in a normal way and be thankful for the friends we have today........Amen..
Little Penguin :ghug
