Archive for the ‘Chronic Fatigue Syndrome’ tag
Help……ready to just throw in the towel. Need company today!
I am an alcoholic....there I finally said it to someone. I never realised it until a little while ago, but it seems thats what I am. Worst off all I got out of the habit of drinking and this past couple weeks I managed to get back into it. I am really upset with myself for what I have done.
A little history.
I suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome. This is partly respobsible for my alcoholism as it saps you of all of your energy. I turned to drink -specifically beer- as a pick me up and as a way of dealing with the constant feeling of exhuastion. However the drink has stayed with me on and off. The problem is that since I was a teenager I have always binge drank ever couple weeks or so, and more so as the years went on and my tolerance grew. I am now 31.
Last year everything snowballed. I start drinking more regularly after a period of living on my own. Then I became exhuasted and had a CFS attack in August 2007 where I couldn't get home without having about 6 drinks to give me the energy to do so. Since then things have been a struggle. The worst of it was shortly after when I totally descended into oblivion. I ended up drinking one and a half bottles of vodka a day and I became severely adicted and pretty much unable to do anything. Life was a struggle and unenjoyable. Drinking was not pleasurable because the feeling of illness was so bad that I really struggled to cope with any moments of sobriety. I would frequently pass out and no remember the previous day.
However, since summer this year I was beginning to get a hold of things, so much so that in recent times I have gone on a cycle of drinking, feeling rough and then coming out of it once I thought I'd had too much and then going a week, on and off, without the drink. As time was going on my energy was coming back more and more. I felt that my life was coming back but that I could handle a few drinks now and again. Usually when I do drink its just a number of beers, which is more than tolerable and generates an easy withdrawl. However, the last time around I managed to drink 5 bottles of wine in two days and that left me with not only a nasty hangover, but it left me with weak arms and legs, which in turn led to depression. This is usually the first sign of a CFS period. I was desperate to sort things out and got by for a few days without drinking until Thursday when I made up a meeting so that I could get out of the office and down to the pub for a pint. 7 pints, a bottle of wine and a treble whiskey later and I went to bed. The Friday was a similar affair, although this time I ended up drinking vodka, beer and brandy. This was a turning point as it had been the first time that I had turned to spirit drinks out of choice. That was a bad sign that things were going to go downhill.
I had the worst hangover and withdrawl on Saturday than I think I'd had in a year. I have been struggling since then. The anxiety has dropped off a bit, so much so that I am in work today. By the fatigue, weakness and depression are worse than they have been for a long time. I feel right now as if I can't function, as if I won't make it home and like I am ready to die. This feels like the end. I have promised myself that from now on I will only drink on special occasions (such as Christmas Day). I will otherwise be off the drink. However, I am desperate to get back to that feeling of normality I had a few weeks ago. I have even thought about going out for a couple pints right now as a way of easing myself off the booze. My drinking so far has been thus:-
Saturday - A large brandy
Sunday - 6 bottles of alcohol free lager (which says no more than 0.05% alcohol on it so it must still have some booze in it) & a few squirts of Barts Rescue Remedy spray on the tongue - which is flowers suspedned in a brandy like fluid - you don't get much through the spray - but its still booze).
Today - so far nothing, although I have been drinking so much water and herbal tea to compensate that I've already made five trips to the loo since getting to work.
I hid Friday and Saturday's drinking from my fiancé out of shame.
I'm not sure whether or not to treat this as day 1 or day 2 of withdrawl, but I think day 2 judging by the slight improvement (I would not have been able to go to work on Saturday he it been an office day). I know I need to bear it through, but this is by far the worst I've had in a long time...and I know its down to the Brandy and vodka - they affect me far worse than wine and especially beer. I'm not sure if I can manage. This one is the last one as my fiancé has basically told me to give up the booze or give up her. I just can't contemplate the latter so I have to be strong and listen to my logic over my body.
Anyhow, I signed up here in the hope that there may be some people who have felt like this before and can try and help me through. I can't really tell anyone how I feel so I was hoping I might find some friends on here who could help me through this. :sad2:
A little history.
I suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome. This is partly respobsible for my alcoholism as it saps you of all of your energy. I turned to drink -specifically beer- as a pick me up and as a way of dealing with the constant feeling of exhuastion. However the drink has stayed with me on and off. The problem is that since I was a teenager I have always binge drank ever couple weeks or so, and more so as the years went on and my tolerance grew. I am now 31.
Last year everything snowballed. I start drinking more regularly after a period of living on my own. Then I became exhuasted and had a CFS attack in August 2007 where I couldn't get home without having about 6 drinks to give me the energy to do so. Since then things have been a struggle. The worst of it was shortly after when I totally descended into oblivion. I ended up drinking one and a half bottles of vodka a day and I became severely adicted and pretty much unable to do anything. Life was a struggle and unenjoyable. Drinking was not pleasurable because the feeling of illness was so bad that I really struggled to cope with any moments of sobriety. I would frequently pass out and no remember the previous day.
However, since summer this year I was beginning to get a hold of things, so much so that in recent times I have gone on a cycle of drinking, feeling rough and then coming out of it once I thought I'd had too much and then going a week, on and off, without the drink. As time was going on my energy was coming back more and more. I felt that my life was coming back but that I could handle a few drinks now and again. Usually when I do drink its just a number of beers, which is more than tolerable and generates an easy withdrawl. However, the last time around I managed to drink 5 bottles of wine in two days and that left me with not only a nasty hangover, but it left me with weak arms and legs, which in turn led to depression. This is usually the first sign of a CFS period. I was desperate to sort things out and got by for a few days without drinking until Thursday when I made up a meeting so that I could get out of the office and down to the pub for a pint. 7 pints, a bottle of wine and a treble whiskey later and I went to bed. The Friday was a similar affair, although this time I ended up drinking vodka, beer and brandy. This was a turning point as it had been the first time that I had turned to spirit drinks out of choice. That was a bad sign that things were going to go downhill.
I had the worst hangover and withdrawl on Saturday than I think I'd had in a year. I have been struggling since then. The anxiety has dropped off a bit, so much so that I am in work today. By the fatigue, weakness and depression are worse than they have been for a long time. I feel right now as if I can't function, as if I won't make it home and like I am ready to die. This feels like the end. I have promised myself that from now on I will only drink on special occasions (such as Christmas Day). I will otherwise be off the drink. However, I am desperate to get back to that feeling of normality I had a few weeks ago. I have even thought about going out for a couple pints right now as a way of easing myself off the booze. My drinking so far has been thus:-
Saturday - A large brandy
Sunday - 6 bottles of alcohol free lager (which says no more than 0.05% alcohol on it so it must still have some booze in it) & a few squirts of Barts Rescue Remedy spray on the tongue - which is flowers suspedned in a brandy like fluid - you don't get much through the spray - but its still booze).
Today - so far nothing, although I have been drinking so much water and herbal tea to compensate that I've already made five trips to the loo since getting to work.
I hid Friday and Saturday's drinking from my fiancé out of shame.
I'm not sure whether or not to treat this as day 1 or day 2 of withdrawl, but I think day 2 judging by the slight improvement (I would not have been able to go to work on Saturday he it been an office day). I know I need to bear it through, but this is by far the worst I've had in a long time...and I know its down to the Brandy and vodka - they affect me far worse than wine and especially beer. I'm not sure if I can manage. This one is the last one as my fiancé has basically told me to give up the booze or give up her. I just can't contemplate the latter so I have to be strong and listen to my logic over my body.
Anyhow, I signed up here in the hope that there may be some people who have felt like this before and can try and help me through. I can't really tell anyone how I feel so I was hoping I might find some friends on here who could help me through this. :sad2:
