Archive for the ‘Circumstance’ tag
Language of Letting Go - Nov. 17 - Grief and Action
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Grief and Action
Trust in God and do something.
--Mary Lyon
It's important to let ourselves grieve as a passage between yesterday and tomorrow. But we do not have to be controlled unduly by our grief, or our pain.
There are times when we have grieved, surrendered to the heaviness, tiredness, and weariness of a circumstance long enough. It becomes time to break out. It comes time to take action.
We will know when it's time to break the routine of grieving. There will be signs within and around us. We will become tired of the heaviness. An idea will occur; an opportunity will present itself. We may think: No. Too much effort... Do it anyway. Try something. Reach out. Stretch. Do something unusual, something different, and something special.
A new activity may help trigger the transformation process. Stay up two hours later than usual! Make an appointment to do something for yourself that is different from what you usually do. Visit someone you haven't seen in years. Do something to encourage and help the new energy coming your way.
We may not feel like breaking out of grief. It may feel safer, easier, to remain in our cocoon. Begin pushing out anyway.
Test the walls of your cocoon. Push. Push a little harder. It may be time to emerge.
Today, I will trust God and the process, but I will also take action to help myself feel better.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Grief and Action
Trust in God and do something.
--Mary Lyon
It's important to let ourselves grieve as a passage between yesterday and tomorrow. But we do not have to be controlled unduly by our grief, or our pain.
There are times when we have grieved, surrendered to the heaviness, tiredness, and weariness of a circumstance long enough. It becomes time to break out. It comes time to take action.
We will know when it's time to break the routine of grieving. There will be signs within and around us. We will become tired of the heaviness. An idea will occur; an opportunity will present itself. We may think: No. Too much effort... Do it anyway. Try something. Reach out. Stretch. Do something unusual, something different, and something special.
A new activity may help trigger the transformation process. Stay up two hours later than usual! Make an appointment to do something for yourself that is different from what you usually do. Visit someone you haven't seen in years. Do something to encourage and help the new energy coming your way.
We may not feel like breaking out of grief. It may feel safer, easier, to remain in our cocoon. Begin pushing out anyway.
Test the walls of your cocoon. Push. Push a little harder. It may be time to emerge.
Today, I will trust God and the process, but I will also take action to help myself feel better.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Remember and be thankful
REMEMBER AND BE THANKFUL
by Pastor Leon Fontaine
Being thankful is synonymous with being happy.
People who make it a daily practice to be thankful for all that God has done for them have a way of attracting quality relationships and excellent opportunities into their life. They exude an uplifting and infectious attitude that is inspiring to others and seem to handle problems with greater ease and happiness.
Then there are those who have lost their attitude of thankfulness, or perhaps never developed one, and repel others with their cynical attitude and negative predictions. They struggle to keep good friends and seem to always be creating unfortunate circumstances for themselves and others. They mistakenly believe they would be more happy and thankful if only they had a reason to be, and they fail to understand itÂ’s not circumstance, but rather attitude, that sets them apart from those who are happier.
In reality, there are plenty of reasons for everyone to be unhappy in this world, but many people choose a better route by deciding to develop an attitude of thankfulness.
Here are a few more thoughts about thankfulness:
1. Thankfulness keeps peace in your life. Good fortune does not always translate into a peaceful, happy existence. In fact, the Bible warns about guarding your heart in times of prosperity because that is when it becomes easy to take things for granted, become proud and lose an attitude of thankfulness, which ultimately leads to poor choices and unhappiness. Regardless of the season youÂ’re in, a thankful attitude and an ability to convey thankfulness will lead to lasting joy.
2. Everything in your life that is good comes from God. Develop, on purpose, an attitude of thankfulness by expressing gratitude each day to Him for the good things in your life, whether itÂ’s your health, your family, career, opportunities or whatever else God has blessed you with. When you fail to practice an attitude of being thankful, you run the risk of gravitating towards negative topics in life and begin thinking, dwelling and talking about all thatÂ’s wrong in the world. But when you practice giving thanks to God for the goodness in your life, you won't become an unhappy pessimist because youÂ’ll be in habit of practicing thankfulness and will automatically retain your joy.
3. In order to increase your blessings in life, you must be truly thankful for what you already have. You will ultimately lose what you arenÂ’t thankful for. ItÂ’s not enough to feel thankfulness; you need to express the feeling in the way you treat others. Find a way each day to show the people around you how thankful you are for the goodness in your life, whether itÂ’s by doing your work with a smile or going out of your way to do something nice for another person. When youÂ’re thankful, youÂ’ll experience God's presence in your life like never before. Give thanks to Him in every circumstance and show appreciation to others and you'll be amazed at the miracles released in your life.
by Pastor Leon Fontaine
Being thankful is synonymous with being happy.
People who make it a daily practice to be thankful for all that God has done for them have a way of attracting quality relationships and excellent opportunities into their life. They exude an uplifting and infectious attitude that is inspiring to others and seem to handle problems with greater ease and happiness.
Then there are those who have lost their attitude of thankfulness, or perhaps never developed one, and repel others with their cynical attitude and negative predictions. They struggle to keep good friends and seem to always be creating unfortunate circumstances for themselves and others. They mistakenly believe they would be more happy and thankful if only they had a reason to be, and they fail to understand itÂ’s not circumstance, but rather attitude, that sets them apart from those who are happier.
In reality, there are plenty of reasons for everyone to be unhappy in this world, but many people choose a better route by deciding to develop an attitude of thankfulness.
Here are a few more thoughts about thankfulness:
1. Thankfulness keeps peace in your life. Good fortune does not always translate into a peaceful, happy existence. In fact, the Bible warns about guarding your heart in times of prosperity because that is when it becomes easy to take things for granted, become proud and lose an attitude of thankfulness, which ultimately leads to poor choices and unhappiness. Regardless of the season youÂ’re in, a thankful attitude and an ability to convey thankfulness will lead to lasting joy.
2. Everything in your life that is good comes from God. Develop, on purpose, an attitude of thankfulness by expressing gratitude each day to Him for the good things in your life, whether itÂ’s your health, your family, career, opportunities or whatever else God has blessed you with. When you fail to practice an attitude of being thankful, you run the risk of gravitating towards negative topics in life and begin thinking, dwelling and talking about all thatÂ’s wrong in the world. But when you practice giving thanks to God for the goodness in your life, you won't become an unhappy pessimist because youÂ’ll be in habit of practicing thankfulness and will automatically retain your joy.
3. In order to increase your blessings in life, you must be truly thankful for what you already have. You will ultimately lose what you arenÂ’t thankful for. ItÂ’s not enough to feel thankfulness; you need to express the feeling in the way you treat others. Find a way each day to show the people around you how thankful you are for the goodness in your life, whether itÂ’s by doing your work with a smile or going out of your way to do something nice for another person. When youÂ’re thankful, youÂ’ll experience God's presence in your life like never before. Give thanks to Him in every circumstance and show appreciation to others and you'll be amazed at the miracles released in your life.
A few things that may be helpful to those struggling to understand
Are you wondering when the pain stops?
The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.
The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.
The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.
The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.
The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.
The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.
The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.
The Pain Stops: When you are ready.
Letting Go
To 'let go' does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To 'let go' is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To 'let go' is not to enable.
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To 'let go' is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To 'let go' is not to try to change or blame another,
It's to make the most of myself.
To 'let go' is not to 'care for',
but to 'care about'.
To 'let go' is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To 'let go' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To 'let go' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To 'let go' is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To 'let go' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To 'let go' is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To 'let go' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To 'let go' is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To 'let go' is to fear less,
and to love more.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.
The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.
The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.
The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.
The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.
The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.
The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.
The Pain Stops: When you are ready.
Letting Go
To 'let go' does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To 'let go' is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To 'let go' is not to enable.
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To 'let go' is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To 'let go' is not to try to change or blame another,
It's to make the most of myself.
To 'let go' is not to 'care for',
but to 'care about'.
To 'let go' is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To 'let go' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To 'let go' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To 'let go' is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To 'let go' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To 'let go' is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To 'let go' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To 'let go' is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To 'let go' is to fear less,
and to love more.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Brief visit with AH today
I've just returned from a very brief visit with AH today. He is living at the homeless shelter, to refresh everyone's memory. I needed to bring him his meds, some soap, and his new insurance card. I also brought his dog (probably the true love of his life). He put everything in his suitcase and said, "Okay then. Bye." I said, "Have you thought about what you're going to do? Do you have a plan?" He said, "I'm not thinking. I'm just letting life happen." I said okay, he got out of the car, and he said goodbye again. I said, "I do love you, you know." He leaned in the window, thought for a few seconds, then said, "I think if you loved me, I wouldn't be here." I said, "If you loved me, you would want me to be safe." He became defensive and said, "I've never hurt you, I hit the door!" (while he's never actually punched me, he has held me hostage, and left me bruised and battered from pushing, picking me up, and throwing me around. Apparently that escapes him.) I replied, "Okay, so I'm supposed to let you put holes in all the walls and doors of our house and stupidly think you're never going to hurt me??" He just looked at me. I said, "You picked up a bottle....AGAIN....and got violent....AGAIN." He said, "Goodbye." And so I left.
It is sad to see someone you love stuck in such a sick, unhealthy, going nowhere stage. He totally doesn't get it. He has no acknowledgment whatsoever that his choices/actions got him where he is, and that only his choices/actions can get him out. He is totally just waiting for someone to come along and change his circumstance for him. I can tell you that if I found myself living at the homeless shelter, even if I hated my spouse for putting me there and didn't want to go back to my spouse, I would be churning those gears in my head big time to line up something else for myself.
It is just sad. Sad, sad, sad to see the person you wanted to spend your life with in this state. I'm sure it is even more excruciating for parents to watch their children go through this. I have much respect for all of you out there who have suffered through this experience. And for those of you out there who have made it through the dark tunnel to the sunshine of sobriety on the other side - either for yourselves or for your loved ones - you inspire me to hope, pray, to stand firm in love, and to keep taking care of myself.
It is sad to see someone you love stuck in such a sick, unhealthy, going nowhere stage. He totally doesn't get it. He has no acknowledgment whatsoever that his choices/actions got him where he is, and that only his choices/actions can get him out. He is totally just waiting for someone to come along and change his circumstance for him. I can tell you that if I found myself living at the homeless shelter, even if I hated my spouse for putting me there and didn't want to go back to my spouse, I would be churning those gears in my head big time to line up something else for myself.
It is just sad. Sad, sad, sad to see the person you wanted to spend your life with in this state. I'm sure it is even more excruciating for parents to watch their children go through this. I have much respect for all of you out there who have suffered through this experience. And for those of you out there who have made it through the dark tunnel to the sunshine of sobriety on the other side - either for yourselves or for your loved ones - you inspire me to hope, pray, to stand firm in love, and to keep taking care of myself.
