Archive for the ‘Clarity’ tag
(((((((To Everyone)))))))))
It is indeed a blessing to be able to share my journey with all of you and receive your unconditional love, acceptance, experience, strength, and hope. I know I promised to update you and I will, but I ended up in e.r. last night with a nasty case of bronchitis (I really gotta quit smoking). BUT..
I wanted to share this with you. I was just thinking the other day how absolutely perfect my life would be if only Hammer and Rarly would come back to the forums to share with me these things...and here is Hammer! I missed you so much brother! And welcome to you Squid, you will find lots of support and love here in this forum and on this whole site. You can do it my brother!
I have had the most peaceful, happiest CHRISTmas I can remember in a really long time, and have had the opportunity to witness many of the promises come true for both myself and my new family and friends. Children returned, parents brought back into their adult children's lives...it goes on and on. Yeah, the e.r. sucked, but the drunk in the next room screaming about wanting his i.v. out and his wife trying to calm him down made me think once again, there but for the Grace of God go I.
I am truly happy and at peace about EVERYTHING. I don't worry much anymore, except for other people. I don't pray for myself anymore except for clarity, discernment, and that His grace and mercy be enough for me (borrowed from Toad :). I pray for others, especially those that I feel have hurt me somehow. I will soon learn how to figure out what my part in the situation is/was. I've forgiven my husband, but will no longer allow him to guilt or manipulate me. He moved in with his girlfriend yesterday. I pray that he will someday find what he is looking for, but I realize now that it is not my battle.
That said, I need to get some rest. I am going to go cuddle up with Daniel the dog and once again dream sweet dreams.
I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. You all will never know how grateful I am for all that you have said and done for me. I hope that I am able to pay it forward someday. And I WILL keep coming back.
I love you guys!
Annie
I wanted to share this with you. I was just thinking the other day how absolutely perfect my life would be if only Hammer and Rarly would come back to the forums to share with me these things...and here is Hammer! I missed you so much brother! And welcome to you Squid, you will find lots of support and love here in this forum and on this whole site. You can do it my brother!
I have had the most peaceful, happiest CHRISTmas I can remember in a really long time, and have had the opportunity to witness many of the promises come true for both myself and my new family and friends. Children returned, parents brought back into their adult children's lives...it goes on and on. Yeah, the e.r. sucked, but the drunk in the next room screaming about wanting his i.v. out and his wife trying to calm him down made me think once again, there but for the Grace of God go I.
I am truly happy and at peace about EVERYTHING. I don't worry much anymore, except for other people. I don't pray for myself anymore except for clarity, discernment, and that His grace and mercy be enough for me (borrowed from Toad :). I pray for others, especially those that I feel have hurt me somehow. I will soon learn how to figure out what my part in the situation is/was. I've forgiven my husband, but will no longer allow him to guilt or manipulate me. He moved in with his girlfriend yesterday. I pray that he will someday find what he is looking for, but I realize now that it is not my battle.
That said, I need to get some rest. I am going to go cuddle up with Daniel the dog and once again dream sweet dreams.
I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. You all will never know how grateful I am for all that you have said and done for me. I hope that I am able to pay it forward someday. And I WILL keep coming back.
I love you guys!
Annie
My Sister called me today
For the first time in years.
I need to "journal" this all out, that phone call and the subsequent phone call "stirred my pot" hugely, I am hoping that I will get some clarity by "journaling with feedback"
As many of you know, I had moved up to "rescue" my family 3 years ago Thanksgiving, and I left maybe 5 months ago, maybe four, not really sure.
The reason I had to "rescue" my family is my sister had an infant and refused to work, leaving my mother to work 100 hour work weeks. long story, blah blah blah much of it is documented here.
My sister is an ex junkie and now a practicing addict on opoids (Dr. prescribed thank you very much med system). She views everyone in the world as how they can add to her life and what she can get from them. She does it so unconsciously as to be nearly unnoticeable. It's just a given "what can I get from this person" is hard wired into who she is.
When I left my "family" and "run away from home" I swore to her that I never wanted to talk to her or any of them ever again, she broke down and sobbing begged me not to "disappear" so I have maintained contact with my sister, but no one else.
I had left some tools there (forgot them) and have been asking her to pick them up and take them to work so I could pick them up for the last few months so I could avoid going to the family property, she has "forgotten" for two months, I eventually did the job I needed those tools for and don't really need them any more, although they are mine, and I "need to get them".
I wasn't really that attached to her picking them up, but under no circumstances was I going to set foot on the family property.
I have called her a number of times in the last few months, twice to ask her about the tools, the other times to see how she was doing and ask about my niece (4 years old), I recently noticed that she never called me, I was the only one that ever called.
I called her from Boston the other day, she sounded great, we had a great conversation, she sounds like she is doing well, she has her eye on a new job, Mom just bought her a new car, my niece is doing great, in the conversation she brought up my tools, and I said yeah, if she could grab them I'd pick them up.
So this morning she knows I am driving up the coast, she calls me, talks for awhile, asks me how I am doing, mentions she is going to pick up my tools so she will have them today, and will I want them today...I am surprised that she called and pleasantly surprised she is concerned for me and doing something for me.
She then asks me about my House generator, we didn't have electricity on the property, everything was solar powered or by "house generators", then she asks me if she could have mine as hers is smoking and about to die.
First I tell her I don't have access to it because it is stored at a friends house, then I relent and say if she drives to meet me (changes a five hour drive into a 3.5 hour drive for me one way) I will pick up my generator and give it to her.
I have no use for it right now, it will be handy during power outages but is by no means a daily necessity for me as it is for her.
After I hung up the phone I was talking to "R" and started to realize I was getting angry, I began to feel manipulated and I realized she had called me for the first time in years and it was the same old story, she needed something, that when I needed my tools 2 months ago she couldn't drive 2 blocks to pick them up, but now she needs something she is suddenly making an effort to not only grab my tools, but to make contact with me.
There is also "other stuff" going on here, my sister is a single mother, the father is in Mexico, and my nickname is "Uncledaddy" for my niece, my "job" was to be the stable male father figure for my niece. As R and I talked she started asking me questions about my niece then asked me who did Bella (niece) have in her life that was a stable male figure.
I got profoundly disturbed, and realized I had started taking distance from my niece about two years ago when I realized that she was my sister's "dream tool" for manipulating me and others, as a matter of fact, that was "the hook" they used to get me to come run the family business, "If you don't come save us, the baby will starve" and my sister used her frequently and even joked about it, during one fight I told my sister she was a "***** without the benefits" because quite frankly that's what she is and how she treats others.
I really like her, she's funny, fun to be around, smart, but she is so geared like a junkie and "what can I get from this situation and this person" is so much a part of who she is I decided I couldn't be around her.
So right now, I am very very deeply disturbed, and I actually had to ask to hang up the phone with R because I was getting so "stirred up" by what had just taken place with my sister, I was beginning to get very angry and feel manipulated by my sister, then when R asked me who was my nieces "father figure" my bile rose up and I started saying "that's my job that's my job that's my job" and getting deeply and profoundly disturbed and upset.
Anyhow, I am going to hit "submit new thread" and reread all of this, I have until 1:30 to make a decision about the generator, and need to do some very thorough "work" around my "family of origin" issues that I had been putting off until my deep and festering resentment had a chance to die down.
If you made it this far, thank you for "listening" and if you just skipped to the end, thank you as well I don't blame you a bit.
I need to "journal" this all out, that phone call and the subsequent phone call "stirred my pot" hugely, I am hoping that I will get some clarity by "journaling with feedback"
As many of you know, I had moved up to "rescue" my family 3 years ago Thanksgiving, and I left maybe 5 months ago, maybe four, not really sure.
The reason I had to "rescue" my family is my sister had an infant and refused to work, leaving my mother to work 100 hour work weeks. long story, blah blah blah much of it is documented here.
My sister is an ex junkie and now a practicing addict on opoids (Dr. prescribed thank you very much med system). She views everyone in the world as how they can add to her life and what she can get from them. She does it so unconsciously as to be nearly unnoticeable. It's just a given "what can I get from this person" is hard wired into who she is.
When I left my "family" and "run away from home" I swore to her that I never wanted to talk to her or any of them ever again, she broke down and sobbing begged me not to "disappear" so I have maintained contact with my sister, but no one else.
I had left some tools there (forgot them) and have been asking her to pick them up and take them to work so I could pick them up for the last few months so I could avoid going to the family property, she has "forgotten" for two months, I eventually did the job I needed those tools for and don't really need them any more, although they are mine, and I "need to get them".
I wasn't really that attached to her picking them up, but under no circumstances was I going to set foot on the family property.
I have called her a number of times in the last few months, twice to ask her about the tools, the other times to see how she was doing and ask about my niece (4 years old), I recently noticed that she never called me, I was the only one that ever called.
I called her from Boston the other day, she sounded great, we had a great conversation, she sounds like she is doing well, she has her eye on a new job, Mom just bought her a new car, my niece is doing great, in the conversation she brought up my tools, and I said yeah, if she could grab them I'd pick them up.
So this morning she knows I am driving up the coast, she calls me, talks for awhile, asks me how I am doing, mentions she is going to pick up my tools so she will have them today, and will I want them today...I am surprised that she called and pleasantly surprised she is concerned for me and doing something for me.
She then asks me about my House generator, we didn't have electricity on the property, everything was solar powered or by "house generators", then she asks me if she could have mine as hers is smoking and about to die.
First I tell her I don't have access to it because it is stored at a friends house, then I relent and say if she drives to meet me (changes a five hour drive into a 3.5 hour drive for me one way) I will pick up my generator and give it to her.
I have no use for it right now, it will be handy during power outages but is by no means a daily necessity for me as it is for her.
After I hung up the phone I was talking to "R" and started to realize I was getting angry, I began to feel manipulated and I realized she had called me for the first time in years and it was the same old story, she needed something, that when I needed my tools 2 months ago she couldn't drive 2 blocks to pick them up, but now she needs something she is suddenly making an effort to not only grab my tools, but to make contact with me.
There is also "other stuff" going on here, my sister is a single mother, the father is in Mexico, and my nickname is "Uncledaddy" for my niece, my "job" was to be the stable male father figure for my niece. As R and I talked she started asking me questions about my niece then asked me who did Bella (niece) have in her life that was a stable male figure.
I got profoundly disturbed, and realized I had started taking distance from my niece about two years ago when I realized that she was my sister's "dream tool" for manipulating me and others, as a matter of fact, that was "the hook" they used to get me to come run the family business, "If you don't come save us, the baby will starve" and my sister used her frequently and even joked about it, during one fight I told my sister she was a "***** without the benefits" because quite frankly that's what she is and how she treats others.
I really like her, she's funny, fun to be around, smart, but she is so geared like a junkie and "what can I get from this situation and this person" is so much a part of who she is I decided I couldn't be around her.
So right now, I am very very deeply disturbed, and I actually had to ask to hang up the phone with R because I was getting so "stirred up" by what had just taken place with my sister, I was beginning to get very angry and feel manipulated by my sister, then when R asked me who was my nieces "father figure" my bile rose up and I started saying "that's my job that's my job that's my job" and getting deeply and profoundly disturbed and upset.
Anyhow, I am going to hit "submit new thread" and reread all of this, I have until 1:30 to make a decision about the generator, and need to do some very thorough "work" around my "family of origin" issues that I had been putting off until my deep and festering resentment had a chance to die down.
If you made it this far, thank you for "listening" and if you just skipped to the end, thank you as well I don't blame you a bit.
Sarcastic auditions are now open
I'm asking this in the Secular Friends section because I'm just not up for a holier than thou response. In fact, smart@$$ sarcasm would be great right about now.
If my wife is being stubborn, unreasonable, making false accusations against me, claiming to be remembering things from 20 years ago with perfect clarity when I remember them completely differently which makes me wrong (of course), is most likely bipolar according to both of us but refuses to go get diagnosed, in fact refuses to give a damn about pretty much everything ... what do I buy her for Christmas?
Go ahead, make me laugh. I need a break from being bummed about all this for a minute.
Channel Sam Kinison if you have to.
If my wife is being stubborn, unreasonable, making false accusations against me, claiming to be remembering things from 20 years ago with perfect clarity when I remember them completely differently which makes me wrong (of course), is most likely bipolar according to both of us but refuses to go get diagnosed, in fact refuses to give a damn about pretty much everything ... what do I buy her for Christmas?
Go ahead, make me laugh. I need a break from being bummed about all this for a minute.
Channel Sam Kinison if you have to.
Stay with addict boyfriend?
Hi - Im not really familiar with this but I just want as many opinions as I can get. My boyfriend is in rehab for snorting heroin and smoking pot. I get to talk to him on the phone when he calls, but the whole situation seems so unfair, especially that we talk at his discretion. Last time he called in the middle of the day while I was out in public wanting to talk about how he doesn't want to talk to me anymore unless I stop talking to my ex boyfriend. I have lied to him before about seeing and talking to this guy because of past reactions. I have accepted this was a mistake and have not and will not lie about it. I am a generally honest person. It is not that I cannot give up talking to this guy. I know that I want to be friends with him and he is not ready for friendship. But, I am really uncomfortable with ultimatums. I love my boyfriend, and I think the world of him. We have a great connection when we are together and we have a lot of fun!
I guess my ultimate question is this: this is the second time I have been absolutely blindsided by my bf's heroine use. I had no idea he was using. From what I can tell he is doing really well and wants to change. He has changed and its only been two weeks! I can tell by the clarity in his voice and speech. I guess the question is, am I kidding myself? Am I completely naieve? My family has history of alcohol and drug abuse, maybe I am just attracted to the familiar. Any suggestions would be much appriciated.
I guess my ultimate question is this: this is the second time I have been absolutely blindsided by my bf's heroine use. I had no idea he was using. From what I can tell he is doing really well and wants to change. He has changed and its only been two weeks! I can tell by the clarity in his voice and speech. I guess the question is, am I kidding myself? Am I completely naieve? My family has history of alcohol and drug abuse, maybe I am just attracted to the familiar. Any suggestions would be much appriciated.
Clarity moment
On Friday I went to a concert that had been planned over two months ago. My ex boyfriend (just friends) asked me to go and I said I would. This was all before my husband decided to get sober and come home. Since I already made the plans and really wanted to go to the concert I went.
I asked the ex not to bring drugs or alcohol into my car and told him I was not kidding. So get what happend.........
We get close and he insists we drive straight to a liquor store. I refused because I didn't have the gas and he was already showing signs of drinking so I turned the car around to go to the concert. I think that ticked him off a bit.
We get to the front gate and cops are frisking people. They go to frisk him and the cop notices he isn't pulling everything out of his pocket. My "friend" starts getting rude saying "what man? what the fk?" I'm totally embarassed at that point.
So John (the friend) pulls out a little joint and the cops says "all this for that?" and lets him go into the concert. Ohhhh and a handfu of condoms.I was mortified. So the ticket scanner couldn't scan his tickets because they were off the computer and the ink was dull. So then John starts getting rude again. Acting stupid. Total disrespect for authority.
Luckily I saw a few friends and they let us go in. Once we were in he headed straight to the beer tent.
He kept pressuring me to drink. I kept saying "I don't want a drink"
He wondered off the entire concert, all but a few times and when he walked up to me he would try to put his hands on my hips and I would firmly tell him to stop it! I was standing with my sister and her friend.
I told him I was leaving before the last band and on the way to the gate he started getting pissed.
Apparently he had planned that he was going to have sex with me. Alcoholic thinking. No way, shape or form did I give him that impression. So on the way to the car I started to get a bit scared and wondered what I should do.
For a few minutes into the ride he was oddly quiet. Then he starts swearing at me saying "now that your husband is back you are going to be with him?" and getting so bad I thought he was going to hit me. He is a big guy.
He was ranting and then would repeat himself which made me believe he was blacking out.:c029:
I felt I was going to be hit and raped without a doubt. I had to do some quick thinking and pulled into a store and asked him as nice as I could to please go buy me some water.
As soon as he got out I drove off and left his arse there.
I came home and told my husband. He knew I was shaken.
What a wake up call. I forgot how unpredictable alcoholics can be. How it can turn a kind, gentle friend into someone that you don't recognize. I've been friends with him for 15 years.
So any girls out there that have alcoholic friends, please be careful. They turn into other people so fast and it can be so dangerous. I learned a huge lesson that could have been deadly. That's why I am sharing
I asked the ex not to bring drugs or alcohol into my car and told him I was not kidding. So get what happend.........
We get close and he insists we drive straight to a liquor store. I refused because I didn't have the gas and he was already showing signs of drinking so I turned the car around to go to the concert. I think that ticked him off a bit.
We get to the front gate and cops are frisking people. They go to frisk him and the cop notices he isn't pulling everything out of his pocket. My "friend" starts getting rude saying "what man? what the fk?" I'm totally embarassed at that point.
So John (the friend) pulls out a little joint and the cops says "all this for that?" and lets him go into the concert. Ohhhh and a handfu of condoms.I was mortified. So the ticket scanner couldn't scan his tickets because they were off the computer and the ink was dull. So then John starts getting rude again. Acting stupid. Total disrespect for authority.
Luckily I saw a few friends and they let us go in. Once we were in he headed straight to the beer tent.
He kept pressuring me to drink. I kept saying "I don't want a drink"
He wondered off the entire concert, all but a few times and when he walked up to me he would try to put his hands on my hips and I would firmly tell him to stop it! I was standing with my sister and her friend.
I told him I was leaving before the last band and on the way to the gate he started getting pissed.
Apparently he had planned that he was going to have sex with me. Alcoholic thinking. No way, shape or form did I give him that impression. So on the way to the car I started to get a bit scared and wondered what I should do.
For a few minutes into the ride he was oddly quiet. Then he starts swearing at me saying "now that your husband is back you are going to be with him?" and getting so bad I thought he was going to hit me. He is a big guy.
He was ranting and then would repeat himself which made me believe he was blacking out.:c029:
I felt I was going to be hit and raped without a doubt. I had to do some quick thinking and pulled into a store and asked him as nice as I could to please go buy me some water.
As soon as he got out I drove off and left his arse there.
I came home and told my husband. He knew I was shaken.
What a wake up call. I forgot how unpredictable alcoholics can be. How it can turn a kind, gentle friend into someone that you don't recognize. I've been friends with him for 15 years.
So any girls out there that have alcoholic friends, please be careful. They turn into other people so fast and it can be so dangerous. I learned a huge lesson that could have been deadly. That's why I am sharing
Need clarity on being with a former drug abuser…
Hello, I love this website! I have found so much support here. This is my first post I joined because I was in a relationship with a recovering addict.
We ended several months ago and I am really struggling with certain behaviors I saw and experienced and thought maybe someone who had had substance abuse issues could help me understand alittle more???
Little history: I was 27 when I met him and he was 31. He was clean almost two years (after a 6 month rehab) when I met him. He had a dog (I guess that is part of the recovery he said).
He was a drug addict for 9 years. He was hardcore on Prescription meds. He had taken everything under that sun, but mainly stuck to Rx. In his early 20's was on steroids for a short period of time.
I have had several relationships before my ex and have NEVER had anywhere near the conflict and difficulty in communication than I had with him.
This was the first engagement for both of us. So many things seemed perfect in the beginning, which is unlike me because I am a realist and tend to be guarded.
He talked openly about his addiction and had me watch intervention shows on TV so I could get a picture of who he was and would cry and seemed to really want me to be part of this intimate part of his past. I am very accepting by nature and encouraging others comes naturally for me, so I was honored that he would share this with me.
Now that everything is over I am having a hard time understanding certain traits he had and really want to put all of this to rest and stop blaming myself thinking I COULD HAVE CHANGED SOMETHING!!!
CONCERN #1 - HIS LACK OF DESIRE SEXUALLY/AFFECTION/CONNECTION.
At first (first couple months) my Ex couldn't keep his hands off of me, but then weeks would go by with a kiss here and there for hello and goodby. We were together a lot so I never thought he was cheating. I didn't want him touching me 24/7 but as a woman I wanted to feel desirable by him more than strangers. I would get more attention from men I didn't know then from him. I would often have other guys approach me thinking I was single and ask me out or flirt. Then I would be with my Ex and I would rarely get a look when I would come in from work, maybe a glance. I would mention to him I would like for him to hold my hand when we were out, to not always take off and walk in front of me but most of the time walk beside me,hug me back when I hug him instead of stand there like a statue. I never gave him a reason to be jealous, loyalty is important to me.
He said he was very attracted to me and proud to have me next to him because he thought I was beautiful.
Why then the lack of interest??????
I found out he has very low testosterone. Was getting treatment-gel stuff-that I thought started working great but then he stopped it because he said it caused his arms to break out and gain weight. Both of these were not even noticeable, in fact I thought he was looking better and he had more energy, he had energy to work out etc. When he quit this, he didn't find another alternative. He knew that being initimate and affectionate was important to me but I guess he didn't care because he didn't check out any other solutions. After bringing this up a couple times I dropped it and so did he. I hate being nagged and didn't want to nag him. So we were back to him going to bed early and tired alot.
CONCERN #2 - SEEMED LIKE EVERYTHING WAS ON HIS TERMS.
He would be sexual but when he wanted it. The times I initiated he was too tired, felt sick, his stomach hurt, his boss was a jerk that day (like everyday), etc. I stopped initiating. One time he had the nerve (when I was crying because I felt insecure by his lack of interest) to tell me that other girlfriends he had, had initiated more! I reminded him I have initiated many times to no avail. Of course like most times I made a point that was true and he was in the corner the subject would change or ended or would turn the tables somehow.
CONCERN #3- ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS WATCH TV.
I felt like I was on a wait list for his attention which was glued increasingly to the TV. Eating out became a rare event, mostly take in. No real conversation. But he wanted me with him, wanted me to move in. I wouldn't, wanted to be married first. Only places we went was to church, our church home group, and some volunteer church things.
I thought maybe he was on drugs again?
Was he getting his needs met elsewhere (porn)? I never saw porn and or suspected another woman -his phone rarely ever rung, if it did it was his parents. He didn't hang out with anyone but me.
I didn't find any pill bottles except his suboxone and then the last few months we were together the Dr. put him on an antidepressant and Xanax-because he hated his job so much (this was his 7th job in 8 years?) that he would throw up from stress. He said his bosses were out to get him so 5 months before our wedding he quit because he said they were going to eventually fire him anyway!!??!! He didn't have a job lined up.
During pre-marital counseling it became clearer than ever that we were not ready to get married in a few months. There were major road blocks to communication. It was like he had a filter that took what I said as rejection. The counselor and I would look at each other because what I said and what my ex heard were worlds apart. The counselor would gently repeat what I said and explain. After 4 session the counselor refused to see us together. He said we need to resolve some things individually first and hold off on the wedding.
I agreed and wanted to postpone the wedding so that we could build a healthier foundation, mutual friends were relieved to hear this and had noticed for awhile the lack of respect and affection he showed me.
He seemed so adament that I was the one, yet he was unaffectionate, depressed all the time, and just flat out seemed miserable. He told me he felt like I wasn't giving as much to the relationship as he was putting in!!??!!?? I was the one going and paying for individual counseling regularly and on top of that he wanted me to start Alanon to understand him better. He wasn't even going to NA or AA meetings or anything and hadn't the whole time I knew him.
On top of this, he admitted that 90%of the problems in the relationship were his fault, he told my parents this and the pastor. He admitted several times that he wasn't very loving towards me and brought his bad attitude from work home and needed to show me more respect. He said this is all changed now and he won't ever treat me like this again. I knew that behavior's like this cannot change in a second. No matter how wrong he said he was he was irate at the thought of postponing the wedding after all his family had done for us (they had bought us a few early wedding gifts (Collectable ornament, comforter set, etc..) He cared more about his families feelings than mine?? He said that things would get better when we got married.
So there was no resolve, everything ended.
The crazy thing is he was so into getting married, had a ring made with heirloom diamonds, very into helping with the wedding, telling people about it, would get emotional when asking people to be in our wedding party. Believed I was his soul mate, was everything he prayed for right down to my profession! So I am BAFFLED how he could throw all that away because of holding off the wedding?
In my mind, if I admitted like he did how wrong he was and truly loved the person, I would do whatever it took.
Hurtfully he told me soon after we ended that "in his NEXT relationship he will be more loving and not bring work home."
Any insight into this at all???? I have net been in such a confusing misunderstood position before?
We ended several months ago and I am really struggling with certain behaviors I saw and experienced and thought maybe someone who had had substance abuse issues could help me understand alittle more???
Little history: I was 27 when I met him and he was 31. He was clean almost two years (after a 6 month rehab) when I met him. He had a dog (I guess that is part of the recovery he said).
He was a drug addict for 9 years. He was hardcore on Prescription meds. He had taken everything under that sun, but mainly stuck to Rx. In his early 20's was on steroids for a short period of time.
I have had several relationships before my ex and have NEVER had anywhere near the conflict and difficulty in communication than I had with him.
This was the first engagement for both of us. So many things seemed perfect in the beginning, which is unlike me because I am a realist and tend to be guarded.
He talked openly about his addiction and had me watch intervention shows on TV so I could get a picture of who he was and would cry and seemed to really want me to be part of this intimate part of his past. I am very accepting by nature and encouraging others comes naturally for me, so I was honored that he would share this with me.
Now that everything is over I am having a hard time understanding certain traits he had and really want to put all of this to rest and stop blaming myself thinking I COULD HAVE CHANGED SOMETHING!!!
CONCERN #1 - HIS LACK OF DESIRE SEXUALLY/AFFECTION/CONNECTION.
At first (first couple months) my Ex couldn't keep his hands off of me, but then weeks would go by with a kiss here and there for hello and goodby. We were together a lot so I never thought he was cheating. I didn't want him touching me 24/7 but as a woman I wanted to feel desirable by him more than strangers. I would get more attention from men I didn't know then from him. I would often have other guys approach me thinking I was single and ask me out or flirt. Then I would be with my Ex and I would rarely get a look when I would come in from work, maybe a glance. I would mention to him I would like for him to hold my hand when we were out, to not always take off and walk in front of me but most of the time walk beside me,hug me back when I hug him instead of stand there like a statue. I never gave him a reason to be jealous, loyalty is important to me.
He said he was very attracted to me and proud to have me next to him because he thought I was beautiful.
Why then the lack of interest??????
I found out he has very low testosterone. Was getting treatment-gel stuff-that I thought started working great but then he stopped it because he said it caused his arms to break out and gain weight. Both of these were not even noticeable, in fact I thought he was looking better and he had more energy, he had energy to work out etc. When he quit this, he didn't find another alternative. He knew that being initimate and affectionate was important to me but I guess he didn't care because he didn't check out any other solutions. After bringing this up a couple times I dropped it and so did he. I hate being nagged and didn't want to nag him. So we were back to him going to bed early and tired alot.
CONCERN #2 - SEEMED LIKE EVERYTHING WAS ON HIS TERMS.
He would be sexual but when he wanted it. The times I initiated he was too tired, felt sick, his stomach hurt, his boss was a jerk that day (like everyday), etc. I stopped initiating. One time he had the nerve (when I was crying because I felt insecure by his lack of interest) to tell me that other girlfriends he had, had initiated more! I reminded him I have initiated many times to no avail. Of course like most times I made a point that was true and he was in the corner the subject would change or ended or would turn the tables somehow.
CONCERN #3- ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS WATCH TV.
I felt like I was on a wait list for his attention which was glued increasingly to the TV. Eating out became a rare event, mostly take in. No real conversation. But he wanted me with him, wanted me to move in. I wouldn't, wanted to be married first. Only places we went was to church, our church home group, and some volunteer church things.
I thought maybe he was on drugs again?
Was he getting his needs met elsewhere (porn)? I never saw porn and or suspected another woman -his phone rarely ever rung, if it did it was his parents. He didn't hang out with anyone but me.
I didn't find any pill bottles except his suboxone and then the last few months we were together the Dr. put him on an antidepressant and Xanax-because he hated his job so much (this was his 7th job in 8 years?) that he would throw up from stress. He said his bosses were out to get him so 5 months before our wedding he quit because he said they were going to eventually fire him anyway!!??!! He didn't have a job lined up.
During pre-marital counseling it became clearer than ever that we were not ready to get married in a few months. There were major road blocks to communication. It was like he had a filter that took what I said as rejection. The counselor and I would look at each other because what I said and what my ex heard were worlds apart. The counselor would gently repeat what I said and explain. After 4 session the counselor refused to see us together. He said we need to resolve some things individually first and hold off on the wedding.
I agreed and wanted to postpone the wedding so that we could build a healthier foundation, mutual friends were relieved to hear this and had noticed for awhile the lack of respect and affection he showed me.
He seemed so adament that I was the one, yet he was unaffectionate, depressed all the time, and just flat out seemed miserable. He told me he felt like I wasn't giving as much to the relationship as he was putting in!!??!!?? I was the one going and paying for individual counseling regularly and on top of that he wanted me to start Alanon to understand him better. He wasn't even going to NA or AA meetings or anything and hadn't the whole time I knew him.
On top of this, he admitted that 90%of the problems in the relationship were his fault, he told my parents this and the pastor. He admitted several times that he wasn't very loving towards me and brought his bad attitude from work home and needed to show me more respect. He said this is all changed now and he won't ever treat me like this again. I knew that behavior's like this cannot change in a second. No matter how wrong he said he was he was irate at the thought of postponing the wedding after all his family had done for us (they had bought us a few early wedding gifts (Collectable ornament, comforter set, etc..) He cared more about his families feelings than mine?? He said that things would get better when we got married.
So there was no resolve, everything ended.
The crazy thing is he was so into getting married, had a ring made with heirloom diamonds, very into helping with the wedding, telling people about it, would get emotional when asking people to be in our wedding party. Believed I was his soul mate, was everything he prayed for right down to my profession! So I am BAFFLED how he could throw all that away because of holding off the wedding?
In my mind, if I admitted like he did how wrong he was and truly loved the person, I would do whatever it took.
Hurtfully he told me soon after we ended that "in his NEXT relationship he will be more loving and not bring work home."
Any insight into this at all???? I have net been in such a confusing misunderstood position before?
Clarity Statement?
I have never understood the purpose of a clarity statement. Can someone help me out? I remember hearing in the early 80's, " this is a God-given program." I believe that to be true. But, if so, then what can a man say that would destroy what God (HP for the non-believers) has created?
Are you disciplined?
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Discipline
Children need discipline to feel secure; so do adults.
Discipline means understanding there are logical consequences to our behavior. Discipline means taking responsibility for our behavior and the consequences.
Discipline means learning to wait for what we want.
Discipline means being willing to work for and toward what we want.
Discipline means learning and practicing new behaviors.
Discipline means being where we need to be, when we need to be there, despite our feelings.
Discipline is the day to day performing of tasks, whether these are recovery behaviors or washing the dishes.
Discipline involves trusting that our goals will be reached though we cannot see them.
Discipline can be grueling. We may feel afraid, confused, and uncertain. Later, we will see the purpose. But this clarity of sight usually does not come during the time of discipline. We may not even believe we're moving forward.
But we are.
The task at hand during times of discipline is simple: listen, trust, and obey.
Higher Power, help me learn to surrender to discipline. Help me be grateful that You care enough about me to allow these times of discipline and learning in my life. Help me know that as a result of discipline and learning, something important will have been worked out in me.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Discipline
Children need discipline to feel secure; so do adults.
Discipline means understanding there are logical consequences to our behavior. Discipline means taking responsibility for our behavior and the consequences.
Discipline means learning to wait for what we want.
Discipline means being willing to work for and toward what we want.
Discipline means learning and practicing new behaviors.
Discipline means being where we need to be, when we need to be there, despite our feelings.
Discipline is the day to day performing of tasks, whether these are recovery behaviors or washing the dishes.
Discipline involves trusting that our goals will be reached though we cannot see them.
Discipline can be grueling. We may feel afraid, confused, and uncertain. Later, we will see the purpose. But this clarity of sight usually does not come during the time of discipline. We may not even believe we're moving forward.
But we are.
The task at hand during times of discipline is simple: listen, trust, and obey.
Higher Power, help me learn to surrender to discipline. Help me be grateful that You care enough about me to allow these times of discipline and learning in my life. Help me know that as a result of discipline and learning, something important will have been worked out in me.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Language of Letting Go - Nov. 11 - Discipline
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Discipline
Children need discipline to feel secure; so do adults.
Discipline means understanding there are logical consequences to our behavior. Discipline means taking responsibility for our behavior and the consequences.
Discipline means learning to wait for what we want.
Discipline means being willing to work for and toward what we want.
Discipline means learning and practicing new behaviors.
Discipline means being where we need to be, when we need to be there, despite our feelings.
Discipline is the day to day performing of tasks, whether these are recovery behaviors or washing the dishes.
Discipline involves trusting that our goals will be reached though we cannot see them.
Discipline can be grueling. We may feel afraid, confused, and uncertain. Later, we will see the purpose. But this clarity of sight usually does not come during the time of discipline. We may not even believe we're moving forward.
But we are.
The task at hand during times of discipline is simple: listen, trust, and obey.
Higher Power, help me learn to surrender to discipline. Help me be grateful that You care enough about me to allow these times of discipline and learning in my life. Help me know that as a result of discipline and learning, something important will have been worked out in me.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Discipline
Children need discipline to feel secure; so do adults.
Discipline means understanding there are logical consequences to our behavior. Discipline means taking responsibility for our behavior and the consequences.
Discipline means learning to wait for what we want.
Discipline means being willing to work for and toward what we want.
Discipline means learning and practicing new behaviors.
Discipline means being where we need to be, when we need to be there, despite our feelings.
Discipline is the day to day performing of tasks, whether these are recovery behaviors or washing the dishes.
Discipline involves trusting that our goals will be reached though we cannot see them.
Discipline can be grueling. We may feel afraid, confused, and uncertain. Later, we will see the purpose. But this clarity of sight usually does not come during the time of discipline. We may not even believe we're moving forward.
But we are.
The task at hand during times of discipline is simple: listen, trust, and obey.
Higher Power, help me learn to surrender to discipline. Help me be grateful that You care enough about me to allow these times of discipline and learning in my life. Help me know that as a result of discipline and learning, something important will have been worked out in me.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Finally trying to quit
Hello all,
Decided yesterday (last night actually) to stop drinking. I have drinking pretty steady since I was 15 and now at 39 it needs to stop! Not sure why I do it to myself over and over again but I do know it is destroying my life. I have those hours of clarity everyday.....where you sit and think about what you did, what you are doing, how it affects your family, your body. In these moments I swear off drinking and state that it is disgusting and killing me (all to myself of course). Then at some point hours later the cycle repeats itself. Oddly enough if I can go days without drinking (although it is rare that I do).....I can go out to a bar or family function and have nothing or just one! However, soon as I get home I hit it full speed. It is a horrible disease and I will not let it control my life any longer. Hope to be back here in days, months and years from now.....still sober! Only time will tell.
Decided yesterday (last night actually) to stop drinking. I have drinking pretty steady since I was 15 and now at 39 it needs to stop! Not sure why I do it to myself over and over again but I do know it is destroying my life. I have those hours of clarity everyday.....where you sit and think about what you did, what you are doing, how it affects your family, your body. In these moments I swear off drinking and state that it is disgusting and killing me (all to myself of course). Then at some point hours later the cycle repeats itself. Oddly enough if I can go days without drinking (although it is rare that I do).....I can go out to a bar or family function and have nothing or just one! However, soon as I get home I hit it full speed. It is a horrible disease and I will not let it control my life any longer. Hope to be back here in days, months and years from now.....still sober! Only time will tell.
