Drug Rehab Options Blog

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Relationships

If we are unhappy without a relationship, we'll probably be unhappy with one as well. A relationship doesn't begin our life; a relationship doesn't become our life. A relationship is a continuation of life.
-- Beyond Codependency

Relationships are the blessing and bane of recovery. Relationships are where we take our recovery show on the road.

Each day, we are faced with the prospect of functioning in several different relationships. Sometimes, we choose these relationships; sometimes, we don't. The one choice we usually have in our relationships concerns our own behavior. In recovery from codependency, our goal is to behave in ways that demonstrate responsibility for us.

We're learning to acknowledge our power to take care of ourselves in our relationships. We're learning to be intimate with people when possible.

Do we need to detach from someone who we've been trying to control? Is there someone we need to talk to, even though what we have to say may be uncomfortable? Is there someone we've been avoiding because we're afraid to take care of ourselves with that person? Do we need to make an amend? Is there someone we need to reach out to, or show love?

Recovery is not done apart from our relationships. Recovery is done by learning to own our power and to take care of ourselves in relationships.

Today, I will participate in my relationships to the best of my ability. I will make myself available for closeness and sharing with people I trust. I will ask for what I need and give what feels right.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

I was just wondering if anyone here has seen other men whilst still in a relationship with an ABF/H???

I ask because i have been with my bf for 8yrs, 4yrs have involved serious depression, self harm and alcoholism, which came to a head in January this year and i left to live with my mum.

He is now in stable employment for 4wks now and has kept his drinking to a minimum.
But i still am not sure how i feel about our whole relationship, its not how it should be, full of love, closeness and passion. Its been like this for years now.
I can count on one hand how many times we have slept together and it doesnt bother me.
I do love him and he is a good looking guy but theres something stopping me from doing all the normal stuff couples do.
He on the other hand wants the intamcy back but understands i dont want to be pressured into anything.

Now the point im getting at, on friday night i was outrageously flirty with a guy on a works night out, we work together in my local hospital. im a nurse hes a doctor, single and extremely good looking.
Ive always had a bit of a soft spot for him but i didnt think id go this far.
We kissed and i went back to his flat for a bit more, not sex though.
I cant see it going any futher but i wont be seeing him until tomorrow and its gonna be so awkward.

Am i out of order or do you think i did this for a reason?
Im so confused and i feel terrible but i actually enjoyed being kissed and held by another guy.

I welcome any advice and i dont mind you being truthful
I think its because maybe i wanted to try being with someone new, to see how it made me feel and it felt good.

sam.x

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Valuing Our Needs

When we don't ask for what we want and need, we discount ourselves. We deserve better.

Maybe others taught us it wasn't polite or appropriate to speak up for ourselves. The truth is, if we don't, our unmet wants and needs may ultimately come back to haunt our relationships. We may end up feeling angry or resentful, or we may begin to punish someone else for not guessing what we need. We may end the relationship because it doesn't meet our needs.

Intimacy and closeness are only possible in a relationship when both people can say what they want and need. Sustained intimacy demands this.

Sometimes, we may even have to demand what we want. That's called setting a boundary. We do this not to control another person, but to gain control of our life.

Our attitude toward our needs is important too. We must value them and take them seriously if we expect others to take us seriously. When we begin to place value and importance on our needs we'll see a remarkable change. Our wants and needs will begin to get met.

Today, I will respect the wants and needs of others and myself. I will tell others, my Higher Power, and myself what I want and need. I will listen to what they want and need too.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

the news today regarding hank's dad is not good.....the surgery performed last friday on his lung did not have the hoped for effect.....the lung simply will not heal....the chest tube remains inserted and there is air leaking out which is filing up the subcutaneous tissue, his cheeks looked like he was trying to blow up a balloon....his breathing is getting more difficult, his pain level has increased and he is experiencing frequent vigorous nose bleeds. they now recommend a nursing care facility as there is virtually nothing they can do for him IN the hospital.

hank's mom called me today with the news....she was so distraught, crying, trying to be strong. i felt so honored that she reached out to me first....she wasn't asking for solutions, just needed to share what was going on. i wracked my brain for ANY other option - sadly, none exist. they are looking for a nursing facility near to their home, however she won't have a chance to check it out first as they plan to transport dad tomorrow.

in my role as hank's best and closest friend, it was my job to break the news to him today. we've left a message with his mom, she will call when she can. if i had to pick one word for my feelings right now it's bereft. and yet there is an underlying deep gratitude.....that i GET to be part of this family's process....that i get to bear witness to the incredible love and closeness they share, the love that needs not be spoken often to exist, the inner reservoir of strength these people possess. a gratitude that hank and i are on a different track today, the one that allowed this sad time to FIND us, that we have not run, that we are not so f'd up on dope that we could not be bothered, that we are privileged to have just enough financial resources to help them out just a bit.

let us hope darryl's final days are pain free and peaceful. no one deserves to die this way........i'm so sick of cancer.

yaaay DAY 17 for me....and today I am now 48 years old.

I'm feeling stronger and stronger, but that's not to say that each moment will be bliss. it's been up and down almost each of these days.

my resolve to stay clean today is HIGH. my determination to practice things in recovery today is high. I committed to chairing a Thursday night meeting and tonight is my first one. i looking forward to doing this again.

I'm gaining a closeness to more people at the alano club and at an NA meeting i've been going to. it helps so much to have these new contacts. I'm gaining confidence in my ability to be a friend. and so i am practicing being a friend more and more. this helps me feel less alone AND connected to life/universe/god/humanity/whatever.

so I re-affirm my goal for the day. my only goal. my goal to stay and live clean today. i will practice new behaviors that will help me stay on the path to completing this goal today. I will go to meetings. i will make a phone call to a recovering person. i will have contact on the Internet with recovering people. I will be open minded and loving and compassionate with those around me throughout my day. I will listen and support the light in those before me today. I will write. I will stay clean!

You know. Life has been really hard. Even today, i had one of the worse days. In my past, a very recent one, i chose to victimize. And to feel sorry for myself. That has one ending. And i don't want that for my film.

I lied down on the floor with a knife on my stomach today. I cried, called out for God. And then i realized the God in us. I got up.

I felt such closeness to myself, compassion for my own spirit, a will to live bigger than ever.

You know what i felt? I felt give the guy a break. That enemy of myself is dying and soon will be dead.

I'm very lost, and very afraid. I know very little right now. But in every moment from now on, i'll remember i have a choice in everything i do. And that choice is to love myself no matter what exists here or beyond.

I don't know what else is gonna happen. But what i know is that no matter what happens, as long as i have myself to live for, i will do so. I love my family, i love my boyfriend but more than the love i have for them, is the love i have for having this moment.

And i love that. I have this moment. I can do with it what i want.

For the first time i feel i have roots. That something is being built. I have a future now.

I wish i could hug myself. But i guess what i am doing is that.

I could feel destroyed and devastated, but i won't. I rather cook some steak and feel pleasure in being able to do such a simple thing to give me joy.

I could stay here and be neurotic about a million things, wonder about this or that. Why? Who said it has to be that way?

Life is so much simpler. And in the end i forgot all my power. Why not give your power to you? Why not?

Even with every thing that can happen in this world, I know in me there is greatness. That greatness is my chance to make this moment mine. Why give this moment to the past or to less positive things. No. Greatness is filling my life with the best. And the best is my best, not the world's best.

No matter what happens, i'll be ok, i'll be living.

thank you, glad to share

N

I noticed a lot of sadness for those here who are trying to break it off with a significant other....I am in the same place. I am posting this article on NO CONTACT with the hopes it helps you heal.

The No Contact Rule

May 14, 2007 by Rose City Girl


If you are not acquainted with the No Contact Rule, now is the time. The ‘No Contact Rule’ is established for the following reason; an inability to cut off a relationship that is over.

While the rule may sound simple, let me tell you, itÂ’s not, which is all the more reason to enforce it when possible. Breaking up with someone can cause a rollercoaster of emotions including anger, frustration and large amounts of pain which is all the more reason to get away as soon as possible from the source that is causing it. Relationships can be dragged out for months and in some cases years when one or both parties stays in continual contact even though its obvious that the relationship is long over.

How to abide by the No Contact Rule

1. No calling. Period. I donÂ’t care if your cat ran away; your house burned down or if your car dumped you on the side of the road. Drama is not a reason to stir up a phone call to the ex. Drunk dialing is big no-no as well. If you feel like calling, call a friend until the feeling passes.
2. No sex. I know giving up a relationship means giving up sex, but it’s a dangerous recipe to continue intimate relations with an ex. Not only can you become dependent on this closeness but it keeps you in the dark ages on the “get over him” timeline. That’s what vibrators are for.
3. No spying. You would be amazed at how many women I have known that take it upon themselves to do a quick drive by of the exÂ’s house. This can satisfy that craving to know if he is home or out on the town with the boys. Worse case scenario you see a strange car outside and your imagination hits an all time high. DonÂ’t do it. This can cause an emotional phone call (see #1) to your ex. Besides, blabbing to him what you saw will only make you look psycho. Not good.
4. No information sharing through friends. If you the two of you have mutual friends, donÂ’t volunteer information to them in hopes they are going to tell your ex. It is tempting to want your ex to know that you won the million dollar lottery or just met the man of your dreams but it benefits neither one of you in the end. If your friends are blabbing, ask them nicely to keep your personal information to themselves.
5. Get rid of temptation by deleting your exÂ’s phone number from your mobile/cell phone (this will prevent drunk dialing) and block his email address. This adds more security layers to the No Contact Rule in an age of technology.

The No Contact Rule exists to hasten the healing process. By dragging out the end of a relationship, it only delays you from happiness in the future. It is important to allow yourself time to mourn the end of the relationship but keep the no contact rule in place. It will be hard at first but the longer you go, the easier it gets. Remember, practice makes perfect. If you find that you slipped up on any of the above, donÂ’t beat yourself up. ItÂ’s never too late to start fresh. Remember, no contact means NO CONTACT. ItÂ’s the first and most important step to moving on. Now, go get started!

I was sitting here thinking about my birthday next month , thinking about how I would spend it.
I find myself wanting to ignore all holidays ....

of course I want to spend the day with my daughter, break some bread, and enjoy the easy, closeness of the relationship we used to enjoy...as I got a glimpse of what that once was, a tear or two fell, and then it was gone...I have not thought about the girl I used to know in a while....

and as I watched myself quickly recover, I was amazed at how effectively I have learned to shut the door on that pain , over the loss of my AD...and I was quickly back to the present.
and I was grateful....that I have learned to live in the now and be hopeful for what can be...no longer imprisoned by my own pain.....

and I know that someday I will be able to dust off those memories with joy , not sorrow....

thanks for being here , everyone,
big hugs to you all...Grateful

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Self-Disclosure

Learning to gently reveal who we are is how we open ourselves up to love and intimacy in our relationships.

Many of us have hidden under a protective shell, a casing that prevents others from seeing or hurting us. We do not want to be that vulnerable. We do not want to expose our thoughts, feelings, fears, weaknesses, and sometimes our strengths, to others.

We do not want others to see who we really are.

We may be afraid they might judge us, go away, or not like us. We may be uncertain that who we are is okay or exactly how we should reveal ourselves to others.

Being vulnerable can be frightening, especially if we have lived with people who abused, mistreated, manipulated, or did not appreciate us.

Little by little, we learn to take the risk of revealing ourselves. We disclose the real person within to others. We pick safe people, and we begin to disclose bits and pieces about ourselves.

Sometimes, out of fear, we may withhold, thinking that will help the relationship or will help others like us more. That is an illusion. Withholding who we are does not help the other person, the relationship, or us. Withholding is behavior that backfires. For true intimacy and closeness to exist, for us to love ourselves and be content in a relationship, we need to disclose who we are.

That does not mean we tell all to everyone at once. That can be a self-defeating behavior too. We can learn to trust ourselves, about who to tell, when to tell, where to tell, and how much to tell.

To trust that people will love and like us if we are exactly who we are is frightening. But it is the only way we can achieve what we want in relationships. To let go of our need to control others - their opinions, their feelings about us, or the course of the relationship - is the key.

Gently, like a flower, we can learn to open up. Like a flower, we will do that when the sun shines and there is warmth.

Today, I will begin to take the risk of disclosing who I am to someone with whom I feel safe. I will let go of some of my protective devices and risk being vulnerable - even though I may have been taught differently, even though I may have taught myself differently. I will disclose who I am in a way that reflects self-responsibility, self-love, directness, and honesty. God, help me let go of my fears about disclosing who I am to people. Help me accept who I am, and help me let go of my need to be who people want me to be.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.