Archive for the ‘Clumsiness’ tag
The Lighter Side: A li’l bit of humor
Found this in an old email. It still made me chuckle out loud. :) I hope it makes some of you laugh, too.
________________________________________________
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone Calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE) & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream chips? I'm an eclectic eater, but think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock!!
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning
________________________________________________
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone Calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE) & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream chips? I'm an eclectic eater, but think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock!!
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning
My most embarrassing moment
And now for a little levity. Thought it might be a stress reliever and fun to have a "most embarrassing moment" thread. I'll start:
Years ago, I worked as a secretary for a large engineering firm. It was my first day on the job, so I was all gussied up in an attempt to look ultra professional and ultra chic. I so wanted to make a great first impression. And I did just that--it was quite unforgettable apparently, as my coworkers chided me about it for years.
My boss had asked me to make some copies for him. In those days, instead of having several copiers available on each floor, there was a large copy center where all the copiers were located and folks had to stand in line and wait their turn to make copies.
The copy center was located several floors above where I worked, so I pushed the elevator button and waited for the doors to open. When they did, one of my heels got caught in the space between the elevator and the floor without my knowledge and when I took a step forward, I fell down hard on my hands and knees right into the elevator.
I've always been a large woman, but back in those days I was REALLY big, so when I fell, there was a loud thud and the elevator jumped a few inches. Then much to my horror, there were what I can only describe as a series of after shocks after a great quake: boom, boooom, boooooooommmmmm. I has horrified. Never mind the fact that I'd hurt the heck out of my right knee. All I wanted to do was recover as quickly and gracefully as possible.
When I got myself together, I looked up, and the elevator was PACKED! Everyone stopped talking and looked at me. One man helped me to my feet and asked me if I was OK. I made light of my clumsiness and told him I was fine.
Now, prior to my fall the elevator had been moving in a upward motion. But as the after shocks subsided and the doors closed, the elevator started to descend. At which point a gentleman way in the back of the elevator (and whom I later learned worked in the mail room) exclaimed:
DAMN, GIRL, YOU DONE BROKE THE ELEVATOR!
When I finally reached my destination, I remember thinking thank God I was wearing pants. Imagine if, on top of breaking the elevator, someone had gotten a peak at my ultra big girls panties!!!
I would have never lived that one down. Oh, and it took weeks for my knee to heal.
Anyone want to join in on the fun?
Years ago, I worked as a secretary for a large engineering firm. It was my first day on the job, so I was all gussied up in an attempt to look ultra professional and ultra chic. I so wanted to make a great first impression. And I did just that--it was quite unforgettable apparently, as my coworkers chided me about it for years.
My boss had asked me to make some copies for him. In those days, instead of having several copiers available on each floor, there was a large copy center where all the copiers were located and folks had to stand in line and wait their turn to make copies.
The copy center was located several floors above where I worked, so I pushed the elevator button and waited for the doors to open. When they did, one of my heels got caught in the space between the elevator and the floor without my knowledge and when I took a step forward, I fell down hard on my hands and knees right into the elevator.
I've always been a large woman, but back in those days I was REALLY big, so when I fell, there was a loud thud and the elevator jumped a few inches. Then much to my horror, there were what I can only describe as a series of after shocks after a great quake: boom, boooom, boooooooommmmmm. I has horrified. Never mind the fact that I'd hurt the heck out of my right knee. All I wanted to do was recover as quickly and gracefully as possible.
When I got myself together, I looked up, and the elevator was PACKED! Everyone stopped talking and looked at me. One man helped me to my feet and asked me if I was OK. I made light of my clumsiness and told him I was fine.
Now, prior to my fall the elevator had been moving in a upward motion. But as the after shocks subsided and the doors closed, the elevator started to descend. At which point a gentleman way in the back of the elevator (and whom I later learned worked in the mail room) exclaimed:
DAMN, GIRL, YOU DONE BROKE THE ELEVATOR!
When I finally reached my destination, I remember thinking thank God I was wearing pants. Imagine if, on top of breaking the elevator, someone had gotten a peak at my ultra big girls panties!!!
I would have never lived that one down. Oh, and it took weeks for my knee to heal.
Anyone want to join in on the fun?
