Archive for the ‘Codependent’ tag
New and Glad I’m Here
WOW, I'm glad I found SR today. Many of you have been talking about many of the things I have been thinking about for about 6 months now!! Finally a place to explore recovery, which as I've been thinking lately starts (and possibly ends) with me and not her!!
While I'm not an addict myself I am primarily here for my EXAGF. But I have already learned that I am a Codependent and this is why I feel stuck.
Thanks for being here!!
While I'm not an addict myself I am primarily here for my EXAGF. But I have already learned that I am a Codependent and this is why I feel stuck.
Thanks for being here!!
Question about codependency?
After reading about the personality traits of most codependent people, I find it hard to believe that every human on this earth isn't codependent in some way. Do any of you actually know someone who has no codependent behavoirs? Who are these people and were they born this way?????????? I would think that a super caring person..like a nun...would qualify but, does she care too much? Maybe not having any of these afflictions would make for a really boring life. I'm just sitting here sipping my coffee and thinking...hummmmmmm????
Language of Letting Go - Dec. 22 - Holiday Triggers
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Holiday Triggers
One year, when I was a child, my father got drunk and violent at Christmas. I had just unwrapped a present, a bottle of hand lotion, when he exploded in an alcoholic rage. Our Christmas was disrupted. It was terrible. It was frightening for the whole family. Now, thirty-five years later, whenever I smell hand lotion, I immediately feel all the feelings I did that Christmas: the fear, the disappointment, the heartache, the helplessness, and an instinctive desire to control.
--Anonymous
There are many positive triggers that remind us of Christmas: snow, decorations, "Silent Night," "Jingle Bells," wrapped packages, a nativity scene, stockings hung on a fireplace. These "triggers" can evoke in us the warm, nostalgic feelings of the Christmas celebration.
There are other kinds of triggers, though, that may be less apparent and evoke different feelings and memories.
Our mind is like a powerful computer. It links sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste with feelings, thoughts, and memories. It links our senses - and we remember.
Sometimes the smallest, most innocuous incident can trigger memories. Not all our memories are pleasant, especially if we grew up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional setting.
We may not understand why we suddenly feel afraid, depressed, and anxious. We may not understand what has triggered our codependent coping behaviors - the low self worth, the need to control, the need to neglect ourselves. When that happens, we need to understand that some innocuous event may be triggering memories recorded deep within us.
If something, even something we don't understand, triggers painful memories, we can pull ourselves back into the present by self care: acknowledging our feelings, detaching, working the Steps, and affirming ourselves. We can take action to feel good. We can help ourselves feel better each Christmas. No matter what the past held, we can put it in perspective, and create a more pleasant holiday today.
Today, I will gently work through my memories of this holiday season. I will accept my feelings, even if I consider them different than what others are feeling this holiday. God, help me let go, heal from, and release the painful memories surrounding the holidays. Help me finish my business from the past, so I can create the holiday of my choice.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Holiday Triggers
One year, when I was a child, my father got drunk and violent at Christmas. I had just unwrapped a present, a bottle of hand lotion, when he exploded in an alcoholic rage. Our Christmas was disrupted. It was terrible. It was frightening for the whole family. Now, thirty-five years later, whenever I smell hand lotion, I immediately feel all the feelings I did that Christmas: the fear, the disappointment, the heartache, the helplessness, and an instinctive desire to control.
--Anonymous
There are many positive triggers that remind us of Christmas: snow, decorations, "Silent Night," "Jingle Bells," wrapped packages, a nativity scene, stockings hung on a fireplace. These "triggers" can evoke in us the warm, nostalgic feelings of the Christmas celebration.
There are other kinds of triggers, though, that may be less apparent and evoke different feelings and memories.
Our mind is like a powerful computer. It links sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste with feelings, thoughts, and memories. It links our senses - and we remember.
Sometimes the smallest, most innocuous incident can trigger memories. Not all our memories are pleasant, especially if we grew up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional setting.
We may not understand why we suddenly feel afraid, depressed, and anxious. We may not understand what has triggered our codependent coping behaviors - the low self worth, the need to control, the need to neglect ourselves. When that happens, we need to understand that some innocuous event may be triggering memories recorded deep within us.
If something, even something we don't understand, triggers painful memories, we can pull ourselves back into the present by self care: acknowledging our feelings, detaching, working the Steps, and affirming ourselves. We can take action to feel good. We can help ourselves feel better each Christmas. No matter what the past held, we can put it in perspective, and create a more pleasant holiday today.
Today, I will gently work through my memories of this holiday season. I will accept my feelings, even if I consider them different than what others are feeling this holiday. God, help me let go, heal from, and release the painful memories surrounding the holidays. Help me finish my business from the past, so I can create the holiday of my choice.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Why it’s hard to detach
I was thinking about a recent post on why it's hard to "detach" and it's really at the heart of what it means to be codependent.
This is what I have learned slowly after many years living with an addict.
In simplest terms when a person is addicted, your "role" to them is to make it possible for them to continue their addiction. That is your role and that is your purpose. When you are playing that "role", you are "rewarded".
Being co-dependent means being afraid to stop playing that "role" anymore because of fear of rejection and wanting things to be good. We know that when we quit playing that "role" our addicted loved one does not need us anymore and facing that fact can be scary.
Alot of times, a codependent constantly evaluates their own behavior based on guilt (what have I done in the past/present that has caused this problem etc). However, your addicted loved one, really could care less about your past/present transgressions unless using them to feed their addiction. The only thing they really care about under their addiction is how your present/future behavior allows them to continue.
This is what I have learned slowly after many years living with an addict.
In simplest terms when a person is addicted, your "role" to them is to make it possible for them to continue their addiction. That is your role and that is your purpose. When you are playing that "role", you are "rewarded".
Being co-dependent means being afraid to stop playing that "role" anymore because of fear of rejection and wanting things to be good. We know that when we quit playing that "role" our addicted loved one does not need us anymore and facing that fact can be scary.
Alot of times, a codependent constantly evaluates their own behavior based on guilt (what have I done in the past/present that has caused this problem etc). However, your addicted loved one, really could care less about your past/present transgressions unless using them to feed their addiction. The only thing they really care about under their addiction is how your present/future behavior allows them to continue.
Personal Update.
well alot has happened since I last been on here. I haven't seen alkie in weeks. kinda not back to normal with me mentally, depressed but am I still a codependent? nope. I haven't seen alkie yet I talk to her online and sometimes on the phone.
I started to hang out with one of her childhood friends, he realized, through me that "she just isnt good with alcohol" but shes a alcoholic. he known her since she was 14 but didnt know what was going on. he told me a few days ago that he thinks she drinks during the day on the low. I knew this for awhile yet he just found out? she must be better manipulator than I thought.
well monday I had school work to do but she wanted me to hang out with her and the friend I started hanging out with. I didn't go, she told me all she think was smoke yet I heard it from him that she got drunk really fast and he got introuble by his parent. he told me he paid for the taxi and sent her home. well thats what she didn't tell me.
well she went to florida to disney world with her family because her father had a business meeting. well from what I heard through her friend that she got drunk when she went there and her mother took away her phone. this girl is 21 yet still gets her phone taken away? then she calls me socially immature.
she told me she had a anxiety\amnemic attack and collasped yet I knew it didnt sound right but just went along with it.
now I know she doesn't tell me shes been drinking.
well I begun taking a stand against her, telling her what she does to me or take a firm stand on her manipulating techniques.
she called me friday (apparently she got her phone back) and asked me to go clubbing. I never went clubbing but especially going with her would be a issue, but I have a paper to due so I told her I had to do that, I told her that monday I had one but I would be finish thursday.. the professor moved the day up so I had til monday.
well she said I'm lying to her because I said I would be free after thurs yet I still had things to do, told me she was tired of "my bullshyt", went to insult me yet the cellphone signal was buzzy so I didnt hear most of it. I called her back and I told her I wasn't lying.. she said the same thing again and hangs up but!! this time I'm not chasing her, I'm not saying I'm sorry and drop what I have to do so I could just drive her and see her get drunk, get into a fight with her because I have to be up at work at 530 while its 4am and she still wants to party. I just put my phone down and went back to work.
thats what I call some emotional detachment.
I deserve the right to be selfish, I have to look out for #1 because no one else will look out for me, if she doesn't like it, theres the door. (kind of a self rant)
I started to hang out with one of her childhood friends, he realized, through me that "she just isnt good with alcohol" but shes a alcoholic. he known her since she was 14 but didnt know what was going on. he told me a few days ago that he thinks she drinks during the day on the low. I knew this for awhile yet he just found out? she must be better manipulator than I thought.
well monday I had school work to do but she wanted me to hang out with her and the friend I started hanging out with. I didn't go, she told me all she think was smoke yet I heard it from him that she got drunk really fast and he got introuble by his parent. he told me he paid for the taxi and sent her home. well thats what she didn't tell me.
well she went to florida to disney world with her family because her father had a business meeting. well from what I heard through her friend that she got drunk when she went there and her mother took away her phone. this girl is 21 yet still gets her phone taken away? then she calls me socially immature.
she told me she had a anxiety\amnemic attack and collasped yet I knew it didnt sound right but just went along with it.
now I know she doesn't tell me shes been drinking.
well I begun taking a stand against her, telling her what she does to me or take a firm stand on her manipulating techniques.
she called me friday (apparently she got her phone back) and asked me to go clubbing. I never went clubbing but especially going with her would be a issue, but I have a paper to due so I told her I had to do that, I told her that monday I had one but I would be finish thursday.. the professor moved the day up so I had til monday.
well she said I'm lying to her because I said I would be free after thurs yet I still had things to do, told me she was tired of "my bullshyt", went to insult me yet the cellphone signal was buzzy so I didnt hear most of it. I called her back and I told her I wasn't lying.. she said the same thing again and hangs up but!! this time I'm not chasing her, I'm not saying I'm sorry and drop what I have to do so I could just drive her and see her get drunk, get into a fight with her because I have to be up at work at 530 while its 4am and she still wants to party. I just put my phone down and went back to work.
thats what I call some emotional detachment.
I deserve the right to be selfish, I have to look out for #1 because no one else will look out for me, if she doesn't like it, theres the door. (kind of a self rant)
Girlfriend (codependent) of Addict—Do they ever get better?
I was wondering in peoples experience do addicts ever get better??? What does it really take for an alcoholic/drug addict need? My BF was a meth user, then after rehab he turned to hard liquor--and continues to smoke marijuana. We have been together for 1 yr 1/2 and its been a roller coaster. Due to stress he says he fell victim to using some meth a few times and cocaine. He is in jail now awaiting his 6 month residential treatment program. I have never ever been with someone who is an addict or even used drugs. Yvonne :codiepolice
AHA Moment
I was able to fit in 2 therapy sessions this week. At the first session earlier in the week, I was able to admit that when I was in the relationship with and living with my EXABF that there were 2 codependent, drama seeking, addicts (I’m addicted to food and my EXABF is addicted to alcohol) involved in that relationship. Later in the week at the second session, I was such a mess and couldn’t quit crying. I now understand that I am not only dealing with codepency issues, a food addiction, a drama addiction....but was also addicted to my EXABF and his rollar coaster emotional ride from hell. The last one was really hard for me to admit and literally caused me to break down in front of my psychologist. Anyway, my psychologist asked me…..”Have you been compulsively overeating lately?” I told her no, that I hadn’t done so since I went to my first OA meeting back in September. Now, every time I even think about abusing myself by compulsively overeating, the image of my EXABF hiding vodka in a liter water bottle and drinking it like it was water in front of me stops me in my tracks. I refuse to abuse myself any longer. My psychologist then tells me….."It is no wonder that you are freaking out right now. For the first time in your life you are actually FEELING and DEALING with your problems without using food to numb out.” I’ve never been at a place in my life in which I could actually really love myself enough not to abuse myself with food, but I am now. I now understand why we addicts use our substance of choice (alcohol, drugs, food, etc.) to numb out and until we are ready to learn how to love ourselves and to learn how to face our feelings and problems without the extra help of our substance of choice…..the unhealthy cycle will continue. The difference for me is….I’m finally at a place where I am determined to break my insane cycle of self abuse. Just had to share my "Aha Moment".
Searching for freedom
Hi everyone,
I just joined and thought I'd post a message about me. To cut a long story short I'm ruining my life with binges. Like many of you I don't drink in the morning or everyday and have managed for several years to use an outdated description of alcoholism to convince myself I was normal. But I aint. I'm the "once I start wild horses will not stop me drinking to oblivion" type. I'm mainly a beer drinker and if I don't get into double figures it's been a quiet night/afternoon. Recently, I'm managing to do it less often but then when I do I seem to go more crazy. I've been aware I've had a problem for sometime but after a particularly embarassing performance on Friday night (at least the bits I remember) I need to do something.
I keep hearing that AA is the way to go but I tried it once about 2 years ago and it was horrific. There we were sat in a circle being all open with each other and I hated it. It may be great for some but not for me. However, I appreciate the power of the support concept and I wonder if a virtual community like this one might fulfil this role.
I also recently tried alcohol counselling. It was helpful but the counsellor didn't seem to think I needed to quit - rather just to moderate. Well, I've tried and failed for 15 years so I think I need to quit.
Problem is, I love it. Alcohol is one of the great loves of my life. The ultimate breathtaking roller coaster ride. Nobody else makes me feel so great, so confident, so free. OK, the vomiting bile and 3 day hangovers are not a nice way for a lover to treat me but all relationships have issues, right? Oh, and if we've been apart for a while, the making up is always simply sensational. Sure, I can feel empty aftewards but it's worth it, isn't it?
In all seriousness, I'm sitting here with a keen meta-awareness of what's going on. I know I'm damaging myself. I know I have classic codependent and self esteem issues from growing up in an overly restricted religious environment that I'm trying to suppress. I know that my father's addiction to prescription drugs and my uncle's to anything he could get his hands on is probably not good genetic news. I know that other relationships in my life are not altogether healthy and have addictive qualities. I know all these things and I do try to address them but how the heck I am going to manage to quit drinking is beyond me.
For what it's worth I'd probably be termed a functioning alcholic/problem drinker. I have a PhD in applied maths and a good job. I'm well paid, have all the trappings of success. Remarkably, I still also have my health. However, I suspect that there is only so long I can continue to drink as I am and keep all these things.
I really want to be free from this before it destroys my life. So, basically, I'm here to find, and hopefully offer, any help and support I can.
I have a dream to be free. Truly free. To think and be just what I am. To not to be controlled by anyone or anything. I'd like to start by dealing with alcohol.
I just joined and thought I'd post a message about me. To cut a long story short I'm ruining my life with binges. Like many of you I don't drink in the morning or everyday and have managed for several years to use an outdated description of alcoholism to convince myself I was normal. But I aint. I'm the "once I start wild horses will not stop me drinking to oblivion" type. I'm mainly a beer drinker and if I don't get into double figures it's been a quiet night/afternoon. Recently, I'm managing to do it less often but then when I do I seem to go more crazy. I've been aware I've had a problem for sometime but after a particularly embarassing performance on Friday night (at least the bits I remember) I need to do something.
I keep hearing that AA is the way to go but I tried it once about 2 years ago and it was horrific. There we were sat in a circle being all open with each other and I hated it. It may be great for some but not for me. However, I appreciate the power of the support concept and I wonder if a virtual community like this one might fulfil this role.
I also recently tried alcohol counselling. It was helpful but the counsellor didn't seem to think I needed to quit - rather just to moderate. Well, I've tried and failed for 15 years so I think I need to quit.
Problem is, I love it. Alcohol is one of the great loves of my life. The ultimate breathtaking roller coaster ride. Nobody else makes me feel so great, so confident, so free. OK, the vomiting bile and 3 day hangovers are not a nice way for a lover to treat me but all relationships have issues, right? Oh, and if we've been apart for a while, the making up is always simply sensational. Sure, I can feel empty aftewards but it's worth it, isn't it?
In all seriousness, I'm sitting here with a keen meta-awareness of what's going on. I know I'm damaging myself. I know I have classic codependent and self esteem issues from growing up in an overly restricted religious environment that I'm trying to suppress. I know that my father's addiction to prescription drugs and my uncle's to anything he could get his hands on is probably not good genetic news. I know that other relationships in my life are not altogether healthy and have addictive qualities. I know all these things and I do try to address them but how the heck I am going to manage to quit drinking is beyond me.
For what it's worth I'd probably be termed a functioning alcholic/problem drinker. I have a PhD in applied maths and a good job. I'm well paid, have all the trappings of success. Remarkably, I still also have my health. However, I suspect that there is only so long I can continue to drink as I am and keep all these things.
I really want to be free from this before it destroys my life. So, basically, I'm here to find, and hopefully offer, any help and support I can.
I have a dream to be free. Truly free. To think and be just what I am. To not to be controlled by anyone or anything. I'd like to start by dealing with alcohol.
Is this abuse or just controlling…..
...or does it even matter because it is so out of line either way? One more holiday memory down the drain. My 4 year old lost his spiderman mask somewhere in our house. So last night AH starts in on him that if he doesn't find the mask he can't go trick-or-treating. He starts crying that he doesn't want to find it. AH then says he must have lost it on purpose because he didn't want to wear it and tells him he better go get it wherever he put it. :wtf2 Me (being the codependent I am) start to help looking and AH yells....."Don't help him. He knows exactly where it is because he hid it on purpose." By this time 4 year old is sobbing and I'm furious. This went on for about 20 minutes, which may as well be 20 hours to a child.
Long story short, I told him he could just wear his spiderman baseball hat. I told AH that if he didn't find his happy face he couldn't join us. We all went, and AH goes on as if nothing occured, while I'm left in the wake with all these emotions. This morning he got up early to take everyone out to breakfast. 16 year old and I opted out.......we aren't morning people anyway.
Long story short, I told him he could just wear his spiderman baseball hat. I told AH that if he didn't find his happy face he couldn't join us. We all went, and AH goes on as if nothing occured, while I'm left in the wake with all these emotions. This morning he got up early to take everyone out to breakfast. 16 year old and I opted out.......we aren't morning people anyway.
Wow, things get pretty messy!!!
If you happen to wanna read my whole story it's in this thread title "dealing with my fathers drinking for the first time"...
Anyway, I have set my limits and held fast on them with my father. I have come to terms with things and it was something the buddha said that helps the most when I have a hard time. he said:
In the end what matters most is, how well did you live, how well did you love, how well did you learn to let go.
Making choices in relationships without such an attachment to the outcome isn't easy but sometimes it's just what you have to do. Remembering you have to let go of everything including your own life at some point is importaint. It seems to be when we try to hold on that we stop living because change is going to happen no matter what.
I have decided after giving my Mother a ton of info on being codependent and enabling my father that I just need to take a break from them both, from the whole situation. They have moved off my property and it's a healthy step in the right direction.
My mother always said that she couldn't have friends because of my dad. She has asked all my friends to help them move and for the most part they don't wanna get in the middle of it. She wonders how I have so much "control" over them.
She has said that she thinks I was the issue. She has it worked out in her head that she was codependent on me and feels like some of or all the negative in her marriage may have been caused by that and disrespecting my father. They have something to bond over now so they're getting along well. It's just sad to me how messed up things really were right under my nose.
I also recognized I played the same roll in my failed marriage that my mother does with my father and her mother did with her father. No blame to be placed there, she led, my mom followed, repeat and when I knew better I did better. All the same a sobering realization.
So I have removed myself from this for now. My hope is that something will soon click when the dust settles and they're alone in the world. Somehow my mom will see that she has no friends because of his drinking, he has no friends and now what little family they have won't talk to them and the common theme is the drinking.
But I won't hold my breath. I got into this assuming it would take years not months and if you can make it years without a heathy resolution you have removed yourself enough to make it till somebody is dead and hope that opens their eyes.
It gets messy and I'm a well rounded man with a strong sense of self worth and a very good and clear understanding of things. Even for me this is hard so for somebody who self esteem has been beaten down or somebody that has been abused or just doesn't have enough confidence this would be incredibly tough. My heart goes out to all of you that have made this step in the past or will make it in the future. Stay strong and keep your eyes on the big picture.
Anyway, I have set my limits and held fast on them with my father. I have come to terms with things and it was something the buddha said that helps the most when I have a hard time. he said:
In the end what matters most is, how well did you live, how well did you love, how well did you learn to let go.
Making choices in relationships without such an attachment to the outcome isn't easy but sometimes it's just what you have to do. Remembering you have to let go of everything including your own life at some point is importaint. It seems to be when we try to hold on that we stop living because change is going to happen no matter what.
I have decided after giving my Mother a ton of info on being codependent and enabling my father that I just need to take a break from them both, from the whole situation. They have moved off my property and it's a healthy step in the right direction.
My mother always said that she couldn't have friends because of my dad. She has asked all my friends to help them move and for the most part they don't wanna get in the middle of it. She wonders how I have so much "control" over them.
She has said that she thinks I was the issue. She has it worked out in her head that she was codependent on me and feels like some of or all the negative in her marriage may have been caused by that and disrespecting my father. They have something to bond over now so they're getting along well. It's just sad to me how messed up things really were right under my nose.
I also recognized I played the same roll in my failed marriage that my mother does with my father and her mother did with her father. No blame to be placed there, she led, my mom followed, repeat and when I knew better I did better. All the same a sobering realization.
So I have removed myself from this for now. My hope is that something will soon click when the dust settles and they're alone in the world. Somehow my mom will see that she has no friends because of his drinking, he has no friends and now what little family they have won't talk to them and the common theme is the drinking.
But I won't hold my breath. I got into this assuming it would take years not months and if you can make it years without a heathy resolution you have removed yourself enough to make it till somebody is dead and hope that opens their eyes.
It gets messy and I'm a well rounded man with a strong sense of self worth and a very good and clear understanding of things. Even for me this is hard so for somebody who self esteem has been beaten down or somebody that has been abused or just doesn't have enough confidence this would be incredibly tough. My heart goes out to all of you that have made this step in the past or will make it in the future. Stay strong and keep your eyes on the big picture.
