Archive for the ‘Codie’ tag
for my friend
hi everyone,
I am writing for my AA friend, who doesn't have a computer. he has a troubling situation and has asked me for input, and in turn I am going to ask for input from people here, because you are the experts on stuff like this.
in a nutshell:
my AA friend has 2 teenaged sons, and they both drink and drug. there are other deep family problems, its very toxic. as a result of the now sober AA guy's divorce, and conditions he ended up in, the children live (in the same town) at their maternal grandparents' home, who also drink, smoke pot, are dysfunctional and condone the drinking/drugging behavior. in fact, their home is a gathering place for ongoing partying. and, the mother is active in alcoholism.
my friend is sober in AA and wants to intervene, in the hopes that he can somehow get his kids to turn around. he said that, if his youngest son (15) gets drunk one more time, he will call the police and have him arrested for underaged drinking. which will trickle up to the adults in charge, which he also hopes will happen.
the boys fight all the time, there is verbal abuse and, in general, a world of hurt. his own relationship with his boys is only slowly mending after much strain from his years of untreated alcoholism.
3 nights ago he called the police because youngest son (drunk) got verbally abusive and threatened to harm the family. The police took him away and he spent a night at the hospital under observation. Now the whole sick family is angry at him for turning them in. His boys will not speak to him.
His question to you all:
1. Did he do the right thing?
2. Did he betray their trust?
3. Was there any other alternative for him?
now.
I hear you. I am also in AlAnon, and realise its very codie of me to even be writing this for my friend. i'm aware of that.
I have drawn a clear boundary for myself that, after this posting, he is on his own,(!) and he will be reading this thread and responding to your replies. I will not.
Thank you all. Miss C
I am writing for my AA friend, who doesn't have a computer. he has a troubling situation and has asked me for input, and in turn I am going to ask for input from people here, because you are the experts on stuff like this.
in a nutshell:
my AA friend has 2 teenaged sons, and they both drink and drug. there are other deep family problems, its very toxic. as a result of the now sober AA guy's divorce, and conditions he ended up in, the children live (in the same town) at their maternal grandparents' home, who also drink, smoke pot, are dysfunctional and condone the drinking/drugging behavior. in fact, their home is a gathering place for ongoing partying. and, the mother is active in alcoholism.
my friend is sober in AA and wants to intervene, in the hopes that he can somehow get his kids to turn around. he said that, if his youngest son (15) gets drunk one more time, he will call the police and have him arrested for underaged drinking. which will trickle up to the adults in charge, which he also hopes will happen.
the boys fight all the time, there is verbal abuse and, in general, a world of hurt. his own relationship with his boys is only slowly mending after much strain from his years of untreated alcoholism.
3 nights ago he called the police because youngest son (drunk) got verbally abusive and threatened to harm the family. The police took him away and he spent a night at the hospital under observation. Now the whole sick family is angry at him for turning them in. His boys will not speak to him.
His question to you all:
1. Did he do the right thing?
2. Did he betray their trust?
3. Was there any other alternative for him?
now.
I hear you. I am also in AlAnon, and realise its very codie of me to even be writing this for my friend. i'm aware of that.
I have drawn a clear boundary for myself that, after this posting, he is on his own,(!) and he will be reading this thread and responding to your replies. I will not.
Thank you all. Miss C
My big, fat relapse
Yes- me the codie- I had a relapse over the weekend, but I am learning something from it- thank goodness.
STBXAH called to ask if I wanted to go to our sister-in-law's surprise party with dd. He was going to be there- with his new girlfriend- whom I have not met. Instead of asking him WHY he thought that was a great idea- can you imagine the awkwardness?- OR, just saying NO! I went straight to sadness. I miss his family- they haven't called me to see how I am, and now he's replacing me, and parading her in front of his family- and he thinks I should witness that??? He's- to say the least- insensitive. Now, I did say no, and then I went into my sadness over how this is all turning out. . . blahblahblah. I gave him my power. Of course, he threw it right back at me along with his usual blaming and verbal abuse. So, I spent Saturday a wreck. Out of it came an "AHA" moment, though. I realized I have to stop thinking I can give him my precious feelings/heart. He will do nothing with them, and has done nothing with them for years. I am beating my head against a brick wall. Also- I go straight to sadness and childhood fear- he's a lot like my dad, and triggers some intense anxiety that I need to figure out what to do with. So my lesson is- avoid him- if I can't, address him from a position of strength- and then fall apart with a safe friend if I need to.
Why are these lessons so hard?
I have such a hard time being the b**** I feel I wish I could be after it's all over. I don't know why- he's been so cruel. I cannot stoop to his level- but I can stop giving myself away to him.
STBXAH called to ask if I wanted to go to our sister-in-law's surprise party with dd. He was going to be there- with his new girlfriend- whom I have not met. Instead of asking him WHY he thought that was a great idea- can you imagine the awkwardness?- OR, just saying NO! I went straight to sadness. I miss his family- they haven't called me to see how I am, and now he's replacing me, and parading her in front of his family- and he thinks I should witness that??? He's- to say the least- insensitive. Now, I did say no, and then I went into my sadness over how this is all turning out. . . blahblahblah. I gave him my power. Of course, he threw it right back at me along with his usual blaming and verbal abuse. So, I spent Saturday a wreck. Out of it came an "AHA" moment, though. I realized I have to stop thinking I can give him my precious feelings/heart. He will do nothing with them, and has done nothing with them for years. I am beating my head against a brick wall. Also- I go straight to sadness and childhood fear- he's a lot like my dad, and triggers some intense anxiety that I need to figure out what to do with. So my lesson is- avoid him- if I can't, address him from a position of strength- and then fall apart with a safe friend if I need to.
Why are these lessons so hard?
I have such a hard time being the b**** I feel I wish I could be after it's all over. I don't know why- he's been so cruel. I cannot stoop to his level- but I can stop giving myself away to him.
Anyone remember what ‘normal’ is?
My attorney has officially given me the ok to rock the boat again. I want to lay down some boundaries and see what happens. All I want is 'normal', but being a codie, I can't seem to remember what normal is. I know 'no drinking', 'no cursing', 'no throwing', and 'no porn' are on my list, but I can't see any further than that because... a relationship beyond that is somehow unimaginable to me. :help [Don't ya hate it when you realize how sick you really are?] Come on, help me remember what normal is.
Is this Codie or Mom?
I am having a very difficult time determining the difference between being a Mom and being co-dependant with my AS. Years ago i had realationships with addicts (one of which i had a son with) and after counseling and being diagnosed as a classic codie several times, i walked away from those relationships - never looking back. Flash forward 15 years and i find myself in yet another codie relationship but now to my shock with my son. I am a single mom with no help his father (he abandoned son for 10 years - reconnected - and now is in jail himself for multiple DUIs)
Over the last year i have been in counseling while my son struggled to realize that he has a serious problem. I have turned him into the police four times over the last year because his behavior has been against my rules and very dangerous. He is currently in jail awaiting placement in rehab after overdosing on OTC drugs. Over the last few weeks I have been in the battle of my life trying to get him into rehab - which is the only way he will get out of jail. The problem has been that he is not only an addict but also a Type 1, insulin dependant diabetic. Diabetes makes his drug usage critically dangerous but no rehab facilities want to take him because they are not set up to handle a diabetic. Because of the severity of the diabetes and the complications he has had, we all know that my son will not live to be an adult if he does not stop and i am desperately trying to save his life. The court agrees that he wont survive and will only release him to rehab.
I know that i must be in a codie relationship with him as i feel that same spinning while trying to grasp some control of the situations in my life. My question is where is that line with a child. As a parent we are supposed to keep them safe, punish them when they engage in dangerous behavior, teach them and lead them. But are my actions (putting him in jail/ fighting to get him into rehab) merely just another way of the codie trying to control the addict or is this merely the act of a parent trying to save him.
One rehab is reluctantly taking him but we wont be sure till he actually is moved there on monday. I wanted this rehab for several reasons but one I admit is because it is close to us. The thought of my 15 year old son being so far away that i could never see him was very hard for me. but this also scares me that i'm trying to control his situation. This of course was important to him, as much as he blames me for everything in his life he also is terrified of being so far away from Mom. He fluctuates between anger/blame towards me and fear of being away from me.
I dont want to continue any of this behavior in myself both for his sake and for his sister's sake who i'm concerned is just a codie in training right now. I've been working on the art of detachment for quite some time now but there is such a gray area as a parent. He was pretty upset when i informed him that he was on his own and had to suffer his own consequences because i cant make him do anything. I've stopped screaming and yelling and just let him go down but i have reported him to his PO whenever his behavior was dangerous - not only because i felt it in his best interest but I had legally agreed to do so in order to get him into the program he has been in for the last year. I have felt like he was safer in jail then he was on his own. He is willing and accepting of rehab now and finally admits he has a serious problem (yeah step 1) but i'm still concerned because i dont trust myself to know the line between parenting and codie behavior.
I would really appreciate any advice from the parents on this board (or children who have dealt with a codie parent) to find that fine line between being a supportive parent helping her child to stay safe and the overbearing controlling codie in me. I got past it in my romantic relationships and now must get past it if my son is to recover and my daughter is to have healthy relationships - and lets not forget its also for myself so that i can yet again find the joy in my own life.
Over the last year i have been in counseling while my son struggled to realize that he has a serious problem. I have turned him into the police four times over the last year because his behavior has been against my rules and very dangerous. He is currently in jail awaiting placement in rehab after overdosing on OTC drugs. Over the last few weeks I have been in the battle of my life trying to get him into rehab - which is the only way he will get out of jail. The problem has been that he is not only an addict but also a Type 1, insulin dependant diabetic. Diabetes makes his drug usage critically dangerous but no rehab facilities want to take him because they are not set up to handle a diabetic. Because of the severity of the diabetes and the complications he has had, we all know that my son will not live to be an adult if he does not stop and i am desperately trying to save his life. The court agrees that he wont survive and will only release him to rehab.
I know that i must be in a codie relationship with him as i feel that same spinning while trying to grasp some control of the situations in my life. My question is where is that line with a child. As a parent we are supposed to keep them safe, punish them when they engage in dangerous behavior, teach them and lead them. But are my actions (putting him in jail/ fighting to get him into rehab) merely just another way of the codie trying to control the addict or is this merely the act of a parent trying to save him.
One rehab is reluctantly taking him but we wont be sure till he actually is moved there on monday. I wanted this rehab for several reasons but one I admit is because it is close to us. The thought of my 15 year old son being so far away that i could never see him was very hard for me. but this also scares me that i'm trying to control his situation. This of course was important to him, as much as he blames me for everything in his life he also is terrified of being so far away from Mom. He fluctuates between anger/blame towards me and fear of being away from me.
I dont want to continue any of this behavior in myself both for his sake and for his sister's sake who i'm concerned is just a codie in training right now. I've been working on the art of detachment for quite some time now but there is such a gray area as a parent. He was pretty upset when i informed him that he was on his own and had to suffer his own consequences because i cant make him do anything. I've stopped screaming and yelling and just let him go down but i have reported him to his PO whenever his behavior was dangerous - not only because i felt it in his best interest but I had legally agreed to do so in order to get him into the program he has been in for the last year. I have felt like he was safer in jail then he was on his own. He is willing and accepting of rehab now and finally admits he has a serious problem (yeah step 1) but i'm still concerned because i dont trust myself to know the line between parenting and codie behavior.
I would really appreciate any advice from the parents on this board (or children who have dealt with a codie parent) to find that fine line between being a supportive parent helping her child to stay safe and the overbearing controlling codie in me. I got past it in my romantic relationships and now must get past it if my son is to recover and my daughter is to have healthy relationships - and lets not forget its also for myself so that i can yet again find the joy in my own life.
Need Help - Alcoholic Mother How to Handle
I'm an adult child of an alcoholic mother. I'm in my 30's now and she is in her 60's. I primarily grew up with my grandparents, I have never had an addiction problem, but I am definitely a codie.
I go to Alanon and I'm trying to deal with my mother. She has never shown much interest in me and seems to go out of her way to be mean to me.
I am a responsible person, successful career, etc. but no matter what I do it doesn't seem good enough for her.
My issue, I haven't seen my mom in two years. I called her to tell her I was flying in town and I wanted to see her. I rented a hotel, etc. The minute I landed in the airport, she called me and said she was "too busy" to see me. She wasn't seeing anyone till after the New Year. She was sober when she called.
My mom is retired, never goes anywhere, etc. I was hurt and upset. I told her I just landed at the airport and it was ridiculous.
Anyhow, she has done this before. I'm at the point to wash my hands of her and stop trying to have a relationship with her. I feel guilty, I'm her daughter, and I would like to have a mom. My father is dead.
Has this happened to you? If so what should I do? Walk away? I seriously doubt she will ever get sober.
Thanks for listening.
I go to Alanon and I'm trying to deal with my mother. She has never shown much interest in me and seems to go out of her way to be mean to me.
I am a responsible person, successful career, etc. but no matter what I do it doesn't seem good enough for her.
My issue, I haven't seen my mom in two years. I called her to tell her I was flying in town and I wanted to see her. I rented a hotel, etc. The minute I landed in the airport, she called me and said she was "too busy" to see me. She wasn't seeing anyone till after the New Year. She was sober when she called.
My mom is retired, never goes anywhere, etc. I was hurt and upset. I told her I just landed at the airport and it was ridiculous.
Anyhow, she has done this before. I'm at the point to wash my hands of her and stop trying to have a relationship with her. I feel guilty, I'm her daughter, and I would like to have a mom. My father is dead.
Has this happened to you? If so what should I do? Walk away? I seriously doubt she will ever get sober.
Thanks for listening.
gosh I’m an idiot
So my AD came home from a naranon meeting tonight (almost 30 days clean!) reeking of cigarette smoke. So, this probably isn't a big deal at this point, but I came unglued.
I'm angry at myself and everytime I lose my temper at her right now I feel like I'm giving her a relapse. Gosh am I a codie or what!?!?
She's got bad asthma, and I couldn't even count the number of times I've taken her to the ER for asthma emergency treatment in her life. She doesn't smoke, but since she's hanging around after the meeting with the other naranon folks, she is now compelled to smoke with them. The last thing she needs is a new addiction!
Also, she and her 2 year old baby live with me. I work full time, pay all the bills, she pays me nothing, and has taken over one bedroom and the living room. My only refuge is my bedroom, since I have no more living room to relax in. I feel taken advantage of beyond description.
I know I need to just shut up and not interfere with her path. I just detest cigarettes and their smell so I cannot have that smell in my home.
Well, now I've vented here and I'm feeling a bit better. I need to let it all go now and trust that she's on her path to her recovery, no matter how many twists and turns are on that path.
Thanks for listening.
I'm angry at myself and everytime I lose my temper at her right now I feel like I'm giving her a relapse. Gosh am I a codie or what!?!?
She's got bad asthma, and I couldn't even count the number of times I've taken her to the ER for asthma emergency treatment in her life. She doesn't smoke, but since she's hanging around after the meeting with the other naranon folks, she is now compelled to smoke with them. The last thing she needs is a new addiction!
Also, she and her 2 year old baby live with me. I work full time, pay all the bills, she pays me nothing, and has taken over one bedroom and the living room. My only refuge is my bedroom, since I have no more living room to relax in. I feel taken advantage of beyond description.
I know I need to just shut up and not interfere with her path. I just detest cigarettes and their smell so I cannot have that smell in my home.
Well, now I've vented here and I'm feeling a bit better. I need to let it all go now and trust that she's on her path to her recovery, no matter how many twists and turns are on that path.
Thanks for listening.
Guilt: Am I actually doing this?
So I quit my job today. donated all of my teaching stuff to an integrated pre-school.
And guess what? Before I could finish packing....he came back. Texted me to tell me he was okay. Walked in as if nothing had happened, and he did nothing wrong. Didn't apologize. I didn't raise any fights, because what is the point really? I just want to leave it all so I can breathe....so I can relax and finish cooking this bun in the oven! :) So now I'm faking a song and dance until I can actually make a break for it. Is this really my life? Am I actually doing this?
I'm leaving. I have quit my job. There is no turning back. And yet there is guilt....there is hurt. I wonder if he will be okay. I worry that he'll hurt himself.
I DO LOVE HIM.
And how could I just be expected not to love him over night? I think I feel guilty because for the most part I am an honest and good person. I don't enjoy revenge.
And so...
I went out and bought him groceries. And filled his car with gas. And bought him two packs of cigarettes. Dear Lord, I am such a codie----but you know what? it made me feel better, somehow.
Everyone tells me that maybe this is the kick in the pants he needed. I am hopeful....but part of me kind of knows just how it will go. And I don't think it looks pretty.
He kept having auditory hallucinations tonight. Said he heard sirens in his ears. I can't help but wonder if God is trying to tell him......
I am no longer filled with anger......now it's more sadness.
We are leaving when we get the chance tomorrow. Everything is packed but my books, my clothes, and my computer. And we are jumping off into the unknown. I know we'll be okay.
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I will touch base as soon as possible when I get to New York. SR is my newest addiction :)
Love and Hugs,
K
And guess what? Before I could finish packing....he came back. Texted me to tell me he was okay. Walked in as if nothing had happened, and he did nothing wrong. Didn't apologize. I didn't raise any fights, because what is the point really? I just want to leave it all so I can breathe....so I can relax and finish cooking this bun in the oven! :) So now I'm faking a song and dance until I can actually make a break for it. Is this really my life? Am I actually doing this?
I'm leaving. I have quit my job. There is no turning back. And yet there is guilt....there is hurt. I wonder if he will be okay. I worry that he'll hurt himself.
I DO LOVE HIM.
And how could I just be expected not to love him over night? I think I feel guilty because for the most part I am an honest and good person. I don't enjoy revenge.
And so...
I went out and bought him groceries. And filled his car with gas. And bought him two packs of cigarettes. Dear Lord, I am such a codie----but you know what? it made me feel better, somehow.
Everyone tells me that maybe this is the kick in the pants he needed. I am hopeful....but part of me kind of knows just how it will go. And I don't think it looks pretty.
He kept having auditory hallucinations tonight. Said he heard sirens in his ears. I can't help but wonder if God is trying to tell him......
I am no longer filled with anger......now it's more sadness.
We are leaving when we get the chance tomorrow. Everything is packed but my books, my clothes, and my computer. And we are jumping off into the unknown. I know we'll be okay.
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I will touch base as soon as possible when I get to New York. SR is my newest addiction :)
Love and Hugs,
K
Woah, stop the presses, she IS drinking
Couldn't help myself. Boyfriend is visiting friends next door. My daughter is passed out in her bedroom and so I decided to have a little heart to heart with the new boyfriend. He is a nice guy, has been through addiction with his younger sister. I think he is a big codie but he did admit to her drinking. I just told him that she is looking for her next enabler and that if he thinks he can save her, he has my blessing but he needs to know where this is leading. I know that I should stay out of it. And I know that she will just find someone else or go back to the ex-abf. But I needed to know for sure and now I have my answer. She will be given a choice of going back to the halfway house (on a scholarship this time), going to days on her job and go to AA or move. I don't want any addiction under my roof. Boy they sure think that they are sneaky, but we addiction-educated moms are even sneakier:) Hugs, Marle
The wisdom to know the difference
I seem to be lacking in this area. Since I was told I am a codie (co-dependant) I have been trying to balance the things I do.
Being a Christian I help people because that's well............what God would have us do right? I also like to do things for people and yes I sometimes go out of my way.
The thing is.......how do we know when we cross that line of being a codie and just helping because we want to or makes us feel better?
We had a sermon today about opening your eyes to those in need and on the screen was a homeless alcoholic man and I was thinking to myself......if it were my ah I would not do a dang thing for him so why help a stranger with the sickness?
When do you know you are helping someone who can help themselves?
It makes me wonder.....is it better to just not do anything for anyone?
Or just keep doing whatever makes me feel better since I am the one who has to live with it?
Oye. I am definitly a Christian in progress. lmbo:sorry
Being a Christian I help people because that's well............what God would have us do right? I also like to do things for people and yes I sometimes go out of my way.
The thing is.......how do we know when we cross that line of being a codie and just helping because we want to or makes us feel better?
We had a sermon today about opening your eyes to those in need and on the screen was a homeless alcoholic man and I was thinking to myself......if it were my ah I would not do a dang thing for him so why help a stranger with the sickness?
When do you know you are helping someone who can help themselves?
It makes me wonder.....is it better to just not do anything for anyone?
Or just keep doing whatever makes me feel better since I am the one who has to live with it?
Oye. I am definitly a Christian in progress. lmbo:sorry
No More Letting Go???
Has anybody read the book "No More Letting Go" by Debra Jay. I was reading an excerpt from the book talking about how new studies have shown that addicts recover quicker with the help of their families and they should not necessarily hit bottom to start their recovery process. You ca read the excerpts for yourself at www dot nomorelettinggo dot com.
What do you all think about this new somewhat revolutionary idea stated in Debra Jay's book? It seems like it goes totally against what most of us here have learnt through personal experience, i.e. that the alcoholic has to hit bottom and take action himself/herself.
Anyhow, I tend to keep an open mind and do believe in research so I am interested in reading the book just out of curiosity and want to find out more about this different approach. Could it be that all of us are missing the boat? Things like this bring back the codie in me and make me doubt my decision to kick my AF out.
I would love to hear what others think about the above and I am so glad I have SR in times like this where I can share my thoughts and get needed reassurance.
Hellma
What do you all think about this new somewhat revolutionary idea stated in Debra Jay's book? It seems like it goes totally against what most of us here have learnt through personal experience, i.e. that the alcoholic has to hit bottom and take action himself/herself.
Anyhow, I tend to keep an open mind and do believe in research so I am interested in reading the book just out of curiosity and want to find out more about this different approach. Could it be that all of us are missing the boat? Things like this bring back the codie in me and make me doubt my decision to kick my AF out.
I would love to hear what others think about the above and I am so glad I have SR in times like this where I can share my thoughts and get needed reassurance.
Hellma
