Archive for the ‘Coke’ tag
Caught him with another woman
I've been with this guy three years, he has a cocaine addiction which i didn't know about until i was in to deep and had no idea about addiction til i came on here.
We'd been rowing recently and one night in between Xmas and New Year he was acting stranglely on the phone saying he was going to bed at 8.30pm which was unusual and i couldn't help but feel anxious, i just needed to know for myself if he had someone else there so i drove round to his house
When i got there he wouldn't let me in and had to confess he had another girl there. I went crazy, i was so upset but he kept swearing there was nothing going on and he just wanted an outsider to talk to about his problems. He was on coke i could tell and it scared me as i've never known him to do it in the week.
This girl is friends of our mutual friends but i don't know her or have never met her but apparantly she takes coke aswell. I was so upset and naturally split with him.
Since then i've had phone calls of sorries and he wants to make things work between us, then calls saying hes confused and needs time, then calls saying its over and we just don't work together and he doesn't love me, then calls saying he loves me and wants me and he said he doesn't love me before because he was angry and his head was screwed, then back to give me a few months and we can talk.
He swears swears all the the time he has no interest in this girl and there was absolutely nothing going on. Then a few days after New year i see pictures of them together on face book from New Years Eve??
What the hell is he doing or thinking? Does he have no respect? What has happened to him? we were so close and i never thought he would do this? Has he just stopped loving me?
I asked him about these pics and hes still saying get it through your head there is nothing going on. He keeps saying you havn't got a clue have you.
I just want the truth so i can let go once and for all. I also feel so jealous of this girl, i keep seeing her face and these pictures of them. Its making me feel sick.
We'd been rowing recently and one night in between Xmas and New Year he was acting stranglely on the phone saying he was going to bed at 8.30pm which was unusual and i couldn't help but feel anxious, i just needed to know for myself if he had someone else there so i drove round to his house
When i got there he wouldn't let me in and had to confess he had another girl there. I went crazy, i was so upset but he kept swearing there was nothing going on and he just wanted an outsider to talk to about his problems. He was on coke i could tell and it scared me as i've never known him to do it in the week.
This girl is friends of our mutual friends but i don't know her or have never met her but apparantly she takes coke aswell. I was so upset and naturally split with him.
Since then i've had phone calls of sorries and he wants to make things work between us, then calls saying hes confused and needs time, then calls saying its over and we just don't work together and he doesn't love me, then calls saying he loves me and wants me and he said he doesn't love me before because he was angry and his head was screwed, then back to give me a few months and we can talk.
He swears swears all the the time he has no interest in this girl and there was absolutely nothing going on. Then a few days after New year i see pictures of them together on face book from New Years Eve??
What the hell is he doing or thinking? Does he have no respect? What has happened to him? we were so close and i never thought he would do this? Has he just stopped loving me?
I asked him about these pics and hes still saying get it through your head there is nothing going on. He keeps saying you havn't got a clue have you.
I just want the truth so i can let go once and for all. I also feel so jealous of this girl, i keep seeing her face and these pictures of them. Its making me feel sick.
A New Chapter
I've started a new chapter in my life, a chapter that I hope is just the beginning to a really great book. My life hasn't always been easy. For so long, I have let the past and the present control me. I've lived in fear; I've lived with anxiety and panic; I've felt lonely and depressed; I've done things that I never thought were possible; and lastly....I've lost myself in others.
About a week and a half ago, I left my boyfriend. I fell so completely in love with him in no time and convinced myself that we would be together forever. I wanted to believe that so much. All of the little lies and all of the crazy things he did were okay because he loved me and those few "perfect moments" kept me going.
Well, our relationship lasted for just eight months and in that eight months, I had lost everything that was important in my life, including myself. And up until the end of last week, I didn't feel very good about moving on and looking forward. I was scared.
BUT.....a friend gave me the shove I needed. He challenged me to take a really good look at myself, a really good look at my life. Boy, I didn't like what I saw. I kept convincing myself that I was okay when really, I was so lost inside.
In just a short time, I must say that I have come a long way. You see, you can sit there and dream about what you want your life to be like or you can actually take the initiative, set goals and meet them so you can actually "live" the life you dream of. That's what I've decided to do.
I go to the gym daily....something that I kept promising my friend I would do but then always found excuses not to. Now I can see why he wanted me to go. I feel INCREDIBLE. I have so much energy and I just feel so confident. It's really nice. It also has reduced my cravings for coke.
I started eating right and have almost quit smoking. I've made plans with another close friend....she is going to take me hiking in about four months. I should be in pretty good shape by then and I've always dreamed about going hiking....so instead of dreaming about it, I'm making it my reality.
My whole point to this long blah, blah, blah is to tell you that you can do anything you "dream" of doing. This is YOUR life. Nobody can tell you how to live it.
If you're trying to quit drugs, think about why. Make a list of what the drugs do for you and then make a list of how they hurt you. I'm sure the "hurt" side far outweighs the good. Write down things you want out of your life. Stop thinking about what you've done wrong in the past and look at what you are going to do right in the future.
I've always been a present and past dweller. I had to see my ex the other day and I started crying and then something just hit me. If I kept crying, it was going to ruin "my" day. Nobody can make you feel something you don't allow. I wasn't going to allow him to keep hurting me. This was not my addiction anymore. This was not my problem and as much as I love him, I decided to completely let him go. And after, I felt such a weight lifted.
Everytime you choose good over bad, it gets easier. Everytime you say no to a substance, it gets easier the next time.
Sometimes we forget our true potential....we are so used to thinking negative and after a while, negative is the only thinking we have. We program our brains. We are what we think.
I'm so happy now that I have learned to let go. I never thought it was something I was capable of and because of that thinking, I kept using and I kept staying in an unhealthy relationship. Then one day, a friend told me that I "could" do it. I thought about it and realized he was right. I could do it if I really wanted to. And I did. I wanted my life back. I know you want your life back. Don't ever give up because one of those tries are gonna be the one that sets you free from your addiction....sets you free and gives you your life back.
Hugs
About a week and a half ago, I left my boyfriend. I fell so completely in love with him in no time and convinced myself that we would be together forever. I wanted to believe that so much. All of the little lies and all of the crazy things he did were okay because he loved me and those few "perfect moments" kept me going.
Well, our relationship lasted for just eight months and in that eight months, I had lost everything that was important in my life, including myself. And up until the end of last week, I didn't feel very good about moving on and looking forward. I was scared.
BUT.....a friend gave me the shove I needed. He challenged me to take a really good look at myself, a really good look at my life. Boy, I didn't like what I saw. I kept convincing myself that I was okay when really, I was so lost inside.
In just a short time, I must say that I have come a long way. You see, you can sit there and dream about what you want your life to be like or you can actually take the initiative, set goals and meet them so you can actually "live" the life you dream of. That's what I've decided to do.
I go to the gym daily....something that I kept promising my friend I would do but then always found excuses not to. Now I can see why he wanted me to go. I feel INCREDIBLE. I have so much energy and I just feel so confident. It's really nice. It also has reduced my cravings for coke.
I started eating right and have almost quit smoking. I've made plans with another close friend....she is going to take me hiking in about four months. I should be in pretty good shape by then and I've always dreamed about going hiking....so instead of dreaming about it, I'm making it my reality.
My whole point to this long blah, blah, blah is to tell you that you can do anything you "dream" of doing. This is YOUR life. Nobody can tell you how to live it.
If you're trying to quit drugs, think about why. Make a list of what the drugs do for you and then make a list of how they hurt you. I'm sure the "hurt" side far outweighs the good. Write down things you want out of your life. Stop thinking about what you've done wrong in the past and look at what you are going to do right in the future.
I've always been a present and past dweller. I had to see my ex the other day and I started crying and then something just hit me. If I kept crying, it was going to ruin "my" day. Nobody can make you feel something you don't allow. I wasn't going to allow him to keep hurting me. This was not my addiction anymore. This was not my problem and as much as I love him, I decided to completely let him go. And after, I felt such a weight lifted.
Everytime you choose good over bad, it gets easier. Everytime you say no to a substance, it gets easier the next time.
Sometimes we forget our true potential....we are so used to thinking negative and after a while, negative is the only thinking we have. We program our brains. We are what we think.
I'm so happy now that I have learned to let go. I never thought it was something I was capable of and because of that thinking, I kept using and I kept staying in an unhealthy relationship. Then one day, a friend told me that I "could" do it. I thought about it and realized he was right. I could do it if I really wanted to. And I did. I wanted my life back. I know you want your life back. Don't ever give up because one of those tries are gonna be the one that sets you free from your addiction....sets you free and gives you your life back.
Hugs
My boyfriend just relapsed. Am I handling this correctly?
I will try to keep this short as it has the potential to be very LONG. I have no experience with alcoholism in all my life until I met this man. I am 22 and he is 26. After kissing millions of frogs I finally found my prince. When I got with him I was very aware of his past with alcohol. He was two years sober.
Recently we began having problems, arguing and such. He started drinking, again. Doing coke, again. I will not sleep with him because I'm a virgin, and that is the cause of most of our fights. Now that he's drinking I am DEFINITELY not sleeping with him and I told him that. It is a devestation that no words exsist to describe. I have no idea what to do, no idea what to say, I feel like he is slowly slipping away from me. He is deeply, deeply depressed and is on medication which was controlling it. I tell him that drinking while taking the medication is extremely dangerous as the medication alone is already messing with the chemicals in his brain. Throw drinks and coke in there and... it's painful to even think about it. I have cried myself to sleep and literally made myself sick over this. It is the worst feeling of absolute isolation and helplessness. He is not in denial. He is very aware of what he is doing and how it is effecting me and himself. He just can't stop. He is not an angry drunk, in fact, all he really does is get wasted, come home and pass out. It's almost like he is the same man, just sillier. He is not verbally abusive to me when he is drunk, nor physically.
For the most part I have been by his side at all times because he never used to drink while I was with him. For a while that was enough and he once went an entire five days without a drink. I thought I was seeing progress. Then he started to ask if he could take me home (I don't have a car). Whenever he asks to take me home I know it's because he wants to get drunk and doesn't want me to see him that way as I am a crying, hysterical mess every time I do. For the most part when he asks me to leave I refuse to go because in the past my presence has kept him from drinking, but that is obviously no longer the case. Over the last few days he has been sneaking out and getting drunk in his car while I was asleep and I would wake up to him wasted/passed out. This was my last straw, it is too hearwrenching. I cried/screamed at him, threw out all of his beer, told him to never talk to me again and stormed out. After a long night of googling I've come to the realization that these are the three absolute worst things one can do to an alcoholic. They were right. Last night he was worse then I've ever seen him.
I just have a few questions and I would apprechiate any answers, please.
1) When he first started drinking again he brought his old AA books over to my place and was reading them, he even said to me that he was thinking about going back to AA meetings. Was this the point that I should have really pushed him? Or is his just mentioning going to AA in jest not enough? Everything I've read has told me that he has to make the phone call on his own, make the decision on his own, take action on his own, but if he is reading AA books and talking about AA meetings isn't that a cry for help? Should I not have taken action just because HE wasn't the one making the call? This was all weeks ago. Am I too late? I will always agonize over not taking his keys the moment he said this and dragging him out to the car for the meeting. All I did was say, "You absolutely should go back to meetings. I'll go with you". He said that he likes the all male meetings, so I couldn't go. That was it. :(
2) I broke up with him even though he told me that was the one thing that would make everything worse, but I don't know what else to do. I told him that I cannot see him outside of work anymore (we work together) but that he was welcome to call me whenever he needed to and if he was ready to get sober I would be behind him 100%. Am I going about this correctly? Should I not even let him call me on the phone? I can't see him anymore as it is agony and I know I have to take care of myself but cutting off all contact COMPLETELY seems like abandonment. Plus, I kind of need to hear his voice everyday to calm the anxiety I feel for him every other second. To make sure he's alive, and not overdosing in a ditch somewhere.
All of the articles I've read say that in a relationship with an alcoholic it is important to leave them as they will never need to help themselves if they are having everything handed to them, but that seems so broad. What do they mean by leaving them? Do they mean dissapear from their lives completely i.e no phone calls, no interaction, no nothing? Or just set minimal boundaries, as I have?
I have no ******* idea what to do. No idea. I'm in agony. Please help.
Recently we began having problems, arguing and such. He started drinking, again. Doing coke, again. I will not sleep with him because I'm a virgin, and that is the cause of most of our fights. Now that he's drinking I am DEFINITELY not sleeping with him and I told him that. It is a devestation that no words exsist to describe. I have no idea what to do, no idea what to say, I feel like he is slowly slipping away from me. He is deeply, deeply depressed and is on medication which was controlling it. I tell him that drinking while taking the medication is extremely dangerous as the medication alone is already messing with the chemicals in his brain. Throw drinks and coke in there and... it's painful to even think about it. I have cried myself to sleep and literally made myself sick over this. It is the worst feeling of absolute isolation and helplessness. He is not in denial. He is very aware of what he is doing and how it is effecting me and himself. He just can't stop. He is not an angry drunk, in fact, all he really does is get wasted, come home and pass out. It's almost like he is the same man, just sillier. He is not verbally abusive to me when he is drunk, nor physically.
For the most part I have been by his side at all times because he never used to drink while I was with him. For a while that was enough and he once went an entire five days without a drink. I thought I was seeing progress. Then he started to ask if he could take me home (I don't have a car). Whenever he asks to take me home I know it's because he wants to get drunk and doesn't want me to see him that way as I am a crying, hysterical mess every time I do. For the most part when he asks me to leave I refuse to go because in the past my presence has kept him from drinking, but that is obviously no longer the case. Over the last few days he has been sneaking out and getting drunk in his car while I was asleep and I would wake up to him wasted/passed out. This was my last straw, it is too hearwrenching. I cried/screamed at him, threw out all of his beer, told him to never talk to me again and stormed out. After a long night of googling I've come to the realization that these are the three absolute worst things one can do to an alcoholic. They were right. Last night he was worse then I've ever seen him.
I just have a few questions and I would apprechiate any answers, please.
1) When he first started drinking again he brought his old AA books over to my place and was reading them, he even said to me that he was thinking about going back to AA meetings. Was this the point that I should have really pushed him? Or is his just mentioning going to AA in jest not enough? Everything I've read has told me that he has to make the phone call on his own, make the decision on his own, take action on his own, but if he is reading AA books and talking about AA meetings isn't that a cry for help? Should I not have taken action just because HE wasn't the one making the call? This was all weeks ago. Am I too late? I will always agonize over not taking his keys the moment he said this and dragging him out to the car for the meeting. All I did was say, "You absolutely should go back to meetings. I'll go with you". He said that he likes the all male meetings, so I couldn't go. That was it. :(
2) I broke up with him even though he told me that was the one thing that would make everything worse, but I don't know what else to do. I told him that I cannot see him outside of work anymore (we work together) but that he was welcome to call me whenever he needed to and if he was ready to get sober I would be behind him 100%. Am I going about this correctly? Should I not even let him call me on the phone? I can't see him anymore as it is agony and I know I have to take care of myself but cutting off all contact COMPLETELY seems like abandonment. Plus, I kind of need to hear his voice everyday to calm the anxiety I feel for him every other second. To make sure he's alive, and not overdosing in a ditch somewhere.
All of the articles I've read say that in a relationship with an alcoholic it is important to leave them as they will never need to help themselves if they are having everything handed to them, but that seems so broad. What do they mean by leaving them? Do they mean dissapear from their lives completely i.e no phone calls, no interaction, no nothing? Or just set minimal boundaries, as I have?
I have no ******* idea what to do. No idea. I'm in agony. Please help.
Daughter is in treatment
Well, I joined this group yesterday in hopes of getting some understanding of what is happening in our family. My freshman in college came home from college for Christmas break and after a week we found coke and xanax in her bag (we also found a handle of vodka after she left). We confronted her, and at first she shrugged it off, but 5 minutes into the conversation she broke down and told us she needed help. She knew she had a problem as she even gave me a name of a treatment center she would like to go to. When our conversation ended I called the center, they had an opening and instructed us to act quickly. I stayed up all night researching treatment centers to see if this one would be the right fit for her. We decided to send her where she wanted to go. She spent 6 nights in detox before she was moved to the treatment center. She has been in treatment since December 23rd. I know we did the right thing...but here is where the family is torn. How do we know if she is actually and addict/ alcoholic or if she is a kid who just spiraled out of control during her first semester away at college? My other daughter wants her to come live with her at her college (she is a grad student) but she is under the impression that she will be able to drink again...she just neds to know her limits. I know she feels this way because her dad and I have not felt she is an addict/alcoholic, just a kid that is self medicating because we have felt she has some underlying psych problems. I know that anyone that goes into trmt is lead to believe they are an addict, but I know people that were in trmt for drugs that are able to socially drink. I am just so concerned wht we will do once she finishes treament. We plan on sending her to a sober house...but her future scares me to death. Unfortunately 18 yr olds seem to focus on drugs and drinking for their social life. Thanks for listening. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
had some questions about oxy abuse…….
Hi, my name is Cessy, I am a regular at the friends and family of addicts forum.
I have an addict boyfriend that lives with me, and my story is long- I will spare you the details.
I just had a couple questions about the pills he's takeing (out of curiosity).
He 'says' it's oxycodone he takes.
On a day where he 'says he's being honest' - he says he does about 10 a day.
He has a history with coke and alcohol, but the pills have replaced that almost entierly. Not that I condone any drugs, the coke and alcohol were an occasional thing- this is ABSOLUTE abuse -that has severely impacted his life. (and of course mine).
He keeps saying 'he's gonna get help' - bla bla bla. I know what I need to do there....
My question is as follows.... out of curiosity, I'm wondering how you know someone has progressed to 'snorting' pills?
I see a difference in him. He acts different now when he is high- I always could tell- but now it is very very noticeable.
When I kissed him the other night- I tasted something bitter...???
He claimed he did a line of coke? I don't buy it, because the buzz I've seen him with on coke is very different, (mouth movements etc.)
He is either happy happy high, or sleeeeeeping all the time (not high)
Just wondering if he is getting really bad......
Any insight would interest me.
Thank you,
Cessy
I have an addict boyfriend that lives with me, and my story is long- I will spare you the details.
I just had a couple questions about the pills he's takeing (out of curiosity).
He 'says' it's oxycodone he takes.
On a day where he 'says he's being honest' - he says he does about 10 a day.
He has a history with coke and alcohol, but the pills have replaced that almost entierly. Not that I condone any drugs, the coke and alcohol were an occasional thing- this is ABSOLUTE abuse -that has severely impacted his life. (and of course mine).
He keeps saying 'he's gonna get help' - bla bla bla. I know what I need to do there....
My question is as follows.... out of curiosity, I'm wondering how you know someone has progressed to 'snorting' pills?
I see a difference in him. He acts different now when he is high- I always could tell- but now it is very very noticeable.
When I kissed him the other night- I tasted something bitter...???
He claimed he did a line of coke? I don't buy it, because the buzz I've seen him with on coke is very different, (mouth movements etc.)
He is either happy happy high, or sleeeeeeping all the time (not high)
Just wondering if he is getting really bad......
Any insight would interest me.
Thank you,
Cessy
carol id advice- good stuff
well- carol steered me to the site where i need to look at stopping cold- to refresh- i have been drinking and had a bout with drugs 10 or so yrs ago(havent touched the coke and whatever for 15 yrs) - anyway drinking for 25+ yrs- but i am taking clonazapam drs orders for a year- well i am not sure how to do this- i think i will taper?? would really like to not die. i hate the drinking- and the drs rx helps (history of bipolar in my fam but im not). anyway - weird converstation. but i hate driniking. its does nothing good for me. i must be complicated
Barely hanging on.. barely.
Hi Guys,
I've been sort of a lurker (guest) on this forum and have read some pretty awesomely supportive posts and advice here. Seems like a great place. THis is my first post here, and I didn't want to put it in the newcomers forum because I think this is where i belong.
I once said definitely i would never touch a drug. By the time i was a freshman in high I was smoking weed every day almost. The next thing I really experimented with was hallucinogens: paper, shrooms mainly.
By the end of 11th grade, me and my "best friend" since we in 5th started doing coke. He was rich and his parents were druggies too, so we literally had no limit. I mean, take 10k out of the safe without questions, no limit. So senior year I was doing coke almost everyday. The weird thing about that is I never got addicted it to it. I'm sure to some degree, but it was all fun and games as far as I was concerned.
When I graduated, I graduated with honors, and got a scholarship to a nice university and everything was cool. I didn't do any hard drugs from mid-summer to the end of my first semester in college. nothing. Of course, I smoked a little weed in college or whatever.
When I came back for break I ran into the same old crowd, and got sucked in.. this time even worse. They had started smoking crack some months back. My mentality was, well I quit coke just like that why would this be any different. Well you know the rest of the story... it was. Long story short, I maxed out a credit card, flunked out of school, and had to move back home and get a job.
Then of course, it just got worse. My dealer literally lived 1 block away. Every free second I had I thought about it. And every free (and not free) dollar I had I spent on it. But, miraculously one day I just didn't want to do it anymore. It didn't make me feel like it used to. It made me paranoid, I was having chest pains after every hit. I basically thought I was going to die. I genuinely could not smoke it anymore, and I quit just like I did coke. Cold turkey. Of course I did it off an on, but at this point I haven't done that in almost a year.
Here's where the fun starts though. In the summer of '07 I discovered the "joys" of opiates. It was all OC at first. Eventually I did my first bump of Heroin and then that opened up a whole new "life" into drugs. I started just once a week maybe, and then 3 times a week, and it has recently escalated in the last 4 or so months into every day.
I prefer to snort it, maybe that's because I faint when I see a needle and couldn't imagine sticking any needle in myself. On average I do only about a 40 OC a day, but I mainly use it to cut with the H. So I guess the combination is my DOC.
Recently a lot of things I have been coming to a head. I haven't had the money to support my daily habit. I've pulled scams, I've stolen, I've pawned things that were mine. Anything when I don't have the money myself.
I can genuinely say I hate my life. 2 months ago I seriously considered suicide and had a hand full of pills in my mouth before I spit them out. Every day I wake up I feel hopeless, sick, worried about the future, depressed as hell.
I guess I'm what you would call a "functioning" addict. I have my own Internet business, which isn't doing so well anymore but not bad and definitely recoup-able. Just school loans and stuff have started to come down on me hard, hence having no money. I'm still be responsible and paying them because my gma co-signed them and I HAVE to, no questions asked.
In reality I have a pretty good future if I just apply myself. I've always over-achieved even in the midst of doing a lot of drugs. My parents and brother really have NO idea about my lifestyle. They don't ask questions, and I don't tell them.
I have one person who is my best friend who I use with. I've known him since 9th grade and he's been through it all, all the stages, right along with me. I know it sounds stupid but he's the only one I have to turn to, that truly understand what I'm feeling. We've always been there for each other in good and bad times.
Long story short. I'm sick of my life. I'm sick of going around in circles, kicking one drug only to find another. I need help. I need the support of people who have been there done that.
It's been 4 days since the last time I used. Today I can finally raise my head off the pillow for something other than to run to the bathroom. I'm completely cold turkey. No subs, no benzos, no sleep aid, not even immodium (how little it works). All I have is a half empty bottle of Aleve, and no money for anything else.
Now to make matters worse one of my dealers just called me and said he could "hook me up".. I know I am going to do it.. It just sucks 4 days of pure pain for nothing though. It just sucks. I don't know where to go from here.
I feel lost lost, alone, and every other emotion accept anything that has to do with happiness. I'm at the end of my rope. I know I can't keep living like this, but I don't know how to stop. AA or NA or detox any rehab is not really an option. I have too many responsibilities with my work to be gone for a week, or 30 days or whatever.
I honestly dont even know why i wrote all this. I feel like nothings ever going to change. I've got to day 4 about 16 times now. I'm sick of this life. Its a living hell that I have no control over.
Anyway thanks for listening.. its a hella long post so i dont blame u if you didn't read it.
hopefully see you guys around,
Bryan
I've been sort of a lurker (guest) on this forum and have read some pretty awesomely supportive posts and advice here. Seems like a great place. THis is my first post here, and I didn't want to put it in the newcomers forum because I think this is where i belong.
I once said definitely i would never touch a drug. By the time i was a freshman in high I was smoking weed every day almost. The next thing I really experimented with was hallucinogens: paper, shrooms mainly.
By the end of 11th grade, me and my "best friend" since we in 5th started doing coke. He was rich and his parents were druggies too, so we literally had no limit. I mean, take 10k out of the safe without questions, no limit. So senior year I was doing coke almost everyday. The weird thing about that is I never got addicted it to it. I'm sure to some degree, but it was all fun and games as far as I was concerned.
When I graduated, I graduated with honors, and got a scholarship to a nice university and everything was cool. I didn't do any hard drugs from mid-summer to the end of my first semester in college. nothing. Of course, I smoked a little weed in college or whatever.
When I came back for break I ran into the same old crowd, and got sucked in.. this time even worse. They had started smoking crack some months back. My mentality was, well I quit coke just like that why would this be any different. Well you know the rest of the story... it was. Long story short, I maxed out a credit card, flunked out of school, and had to move back home and get a job.
Then of course, it just got worse. My dealer literally lived 1 block away. Every free second I had I thought about it. And every free (and not free) dollar I had I spent on it. But, miraculously one day I just didn't want to do it anymore. It didn't make me feel like it used to. It made me paranoid, I was having chest pains after every hit. I basically thought I was going to die. I genuinely could not smoke it anymore, and I quit just like I did coke. Cold turkey. Of course I did it off an on, but at this point I haven't done that in almost a year.
Here's where the fun starts though. In the summer of '07 I discovered the "joys" of opiates. It was all OC at first. Eventually I did my first bump of Heroin and then that opened up a whole new "life" into drugs. I started just once a week maybe, and then 3 times a week, and it has recently escalated in the last 4 or so months into every day.
I prefer to snort it, maybe that's because I faint when I see a needle and couldn't imagine sticking any needle in myself. On average I do only about a 40 OC a day, but I mainly use it to cut with the H. So I guess the combination is my DOC.
Recently a lot of things I have been coming to a head. I haven't had the money to support my daily habit. I've pulled scams, I've stolen, I've pawned things that were mine. Anything when I don't have the money myself.
I can genuinely say I hate my life. 2 months ago I seriously considered suicide and had a hand full of pills in my mouth before I spit them out. Every day I wake up I feel hopeless, sick, worried about the future, depressed as hell.
I guess I'm what you would call a "functioning" addict. I have my own Internet business, which isn't doing so well anymore but not bad and definitely recoup-able. Just school loans and stuff have started to come down on me hard, hence having no money. I'm still be responsible and paying them because my gma co-signed them and I HAVE to, no questions asked.
In reality I have a pretty good future if I just apply myself. I've always over-achieved even in the midst of doing a lot of drugs. My parents and brother really have NO idea about my lifestyle. They don't ask questions, and I don't tell them.
I have one person who is my best friend who I use with. I've known him since 9th grade and he's been through it all, all the stages, right along with me. I know it sounds stupid but he's the only one I have to turn to, that truly understand what I'm feeling. We've always been there for each other in good and bad times.
Long story short. I'm sick of my life. I'm sick of going around in circles, kicking one drug only to find another. I need help. I need the support of people who have been there done that.
It's been 4 days since the last time I used. Today I can finally raise my head off the pillow for something other than to run to the bathroom. I'm completely cold turkey. No subs, no benzos, no sleep aid, not even immodium (how little it works). All I have is a half empty bottle of Aleve, and no money for anything else.
Now to make matters worse one of my dealers just called me and said he could "hook me up".. I know I am going to do it.. It just sucks 4 days of pure pain for nothing though. It just sucks. I don't know where to go from here.
I feel lost lost, alone, and every other emotion accept anything that has to do with happiness. I'm at the end of my rope. I know I can't keep living like this, but I don't know how to stop. AA or NA or detox any rehab is not really an option. I have too many responsibilities with my work to be gone for a week, or 30 days or whatever.
I honestly dont even know why i wrote all this. I feel like nothings ever going to change. I've got to day 4 about 16 times now. I'm sick of this life. Its a living hell that I have no control over.
Anyway thanks for listening.. its a hella long post so i dont blame u if you didn't read it.
hopefully see you guys around,
Bryan
In need of guidance here (lost all hope back again)
I have posted before about having lost all hope.
Last June my ABF went into detox to rid himself of drug and alcohol problems. I was naive in believing he really wanted to do all that and much to my dismay he's back using drugs and never gave up the booze. He was homeless (tough for me to let him be) at the time and in retrospect I now believe he went in there to get out of the street. He also knew I would no longer help him out financially (except food) as I'd reach my fill. Since going to Al-Anon and being on this site I also realize how he's been manipulating me for the entire two years of our relationship. The rehab gave him camprol and he just stopped taking it and continued his drinking. The rehab only kept him for 4 days???? He told me the place he would be renting in was a sober house. How stupid was I? Am I? He was also put on another drug to help him stay off of the drugs. He's compulsive and when not doing one addiction makes up for it with others.
Long story.....He worked at the same place I do for awhile until he got fired. He did stay off the coke....He did turn his paycheck over to me for me to take care of his bills (I complained but wrongly did it for him). Once he got fired he went back to his old job where drugs went rampart. Yup...as you've already guessed...he's back to using drugs. He's drinking as much as ever. Yup....to further complicate things he lost his job last night because of a situation he got himself into.
I've been getting stronger every day and letting him know the relationship was at a standstill until he choses to help himself. I'm sick over the amount of money I've given him (I'm so stupid!) for these past two years. I was so afraid of what would happen to him otherwise. I put an end to that these past few weeks when I closed two accounts of numbers I'd given him to buy things like eye glasses, etc. I've paid 23 of the last 24 of his cell phone bills.
I've been detaching with love and firmness. Sure I love him and don't want to see anything bad happen to him but, my hands are tied!
So, today he called in the morning to ask would I wait for him if he were to go away for a long time to get himself squared away. He said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but I deserve to have him be the best he can be. He's telling me over and over he wants to get better for me and I'm what's good for him! He didn't tell me until tonight he'd lost his job. I paid last week's rent for him....so he's got a roof over his head until next Wed. He said he got himself into trouble by being so kindhearted to someone who was supposed to return $$$$ to him by the end of the night. He lent his company's $$$$ and that's why he was fired. I get the distinct impression his accolades of love (as in times past) aren't forthright! He's going to be homeless again by next Wed.
So, to all of you out there am I just being cynical or am I witnessing the same manipulative behavior I have in the past? I don't mind buying him a meal but I'll not give him one dime to pay any more bills. He comes from a very large family and I know when he went homeless in June no one was willing to help him out.
He's always saying that someone did him wrong. I expressed to him today that it wasn't his kindness that got him into trouble but, perhaps the people he chooses to associate with don't have his best interests at heart. He told me I was the only one he trusts...I'm the only one who understands.
I'd love to give him some leeway but, based upon his history I think he's just pulling at my heart strings. I refuse to be used anymore. I told him that last week and I can't fall back into that old bait and hook trap he's setting for me.
Help. Sorry this ended up being so long. I'm attempting to keep myself from going into panic mode.
Alphawoman
Last June my ABF went into detox to rid himself of drug and alcohol problems. I was naive in believing he really wanted to do all that and much to my dismay he's back using drugs and never gave up the booze. He was homeless (tough for me to let him be) at the time and in retrospect I now believe he went in there to get out of the street. He also knew I would no longer help him out financially (except food) as I'd reach my fill. Since going to Al-Anon and being on this site I also realize how he's been manipulating me for the entire two years of our relationship. The rehab gave him camprol and he just stopped taking it and continued his drinking. The rehab only kept him for 4 days???? He told me the place he would be renting in was a sober house. How stupid was I? Am I? He was also put on another drug to help him stay off of the drugs. He's compulsive and when not doing one addiction makes up for it with others.
Long story.....He worked at the same place I do for awhile until he got fired. He did stay off the coke....He did turn his paycheck over to me for me to take care of his bills (I complained but wrongly did it for him). Once he got fired he went back to his old job where drugs went rampart. Yup...as you've already guessed...he's back to using drugs. He's drinking as much as ever. Yup....to further complicate things he lost his job last night because of a situation he got himself into.
I've been getting stronger every day and letting him know the relationship was at a standstill until he choses to help himself. I'm sick over the amount of money I've given him (I'm so stupid!) for these past two years. I was so afraid of what would happen to him otherwise. I put an end to that these past few weeks when I closed two accounts of numbers I'd given him to buy things like eye glasses, etc. I've paid 23 of the last 24 of his cell phone bills.
I've been detaching with love and firmness. Sure I love him and don't want to see anything bad happen to him but, my hands are tied!
So, today he called in the morning to ask would I wait for him if he were to go away for a long time to get himself squared away. He said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but I deserve to have him be the best he can be. He's telling me over and over he wants to get better for me and I'm what's good for him! He didn't tell me until tonight he'd lost his job. I paid last week's rent for him....so he's got a roof over his head until next Wed. He said he got himself into trouble by being so kindhearted to someone who was supposed to return $$$$ to him by the end of the night. He lent his company's $$$$ and that's why he was fired. I get the distinct impression his accolades of love (as in times past) aren't forthright! He's going to be homeless again by next Wed.
So, to all of you out there am I just being cynical or am I witnessing the same manipulative behavior I have in the past? I don't mind buying him a meal but I'll not give him one dime to pay any more bills. He comes from a very large family and I know when he went homeless in June no one was willing to help him out.
He's always saying that someone did him wrong. I expressed to him today that it wasn't his kindness that got him into trouble but, perhaps the people he chooses to associate with don't have his best interests at heart. He told me I was the only one he trusts...I'm the only one who understands.
I'd love to give him some leeway but, based upon his history I think he's just pulling at my heart strings. I refuse to be used anymore. I told him that last week and I can't fall back into that old bait and hook trap he's setting for me.
Help. Sorry this ended up being so long. I'm attempting to keep myself from going into panic mode.
Alphawoman
I struggle with what people think of my Adict. Is it ok to use just alittle
I have had people say that I don't have a problem when it comes to my addiction. Hi my name is redbear and I'm a drug addict, my choice is weed. They say stuff like, "only weed, what ever I thought you habd a real problem." OK, tell that to my head when it is telling me, "you deserve a joint, hard day at work go ahead you won't tell anyone."
I use weed to numb me and if i don't have weed I would buy some type of alcohol to do the same. **** happens, life gets sad and I want it to stop and this is how I do it.
I recently moved to a new place which does not have any NA programs, ****** yes because this place is filled with coke, crystal, meth and heroine. I find needles on the river bank all the time. Even if they had one in this new place I live, I would not go, My new job is too high up to take the chance of this lil town talking and my employment finds out.
I used to use everyday, all day and if I was working I couldn't wait untill i got home. Now that I am here and can't find it, Is it ok if I only do it sometimes if I keep my head on straight?
Thanks for your advise
Redbear
I use weed to numb me and if i don't have weed I would buy some type of alcohol to do the same. **** happens, life gets sad and I want it to stop and this is how I do it.
I recently moved to a new place which does not have any NA programs, ****** yes because this place is filled with coke, crystal, meth and heroine. I find needles on the river bank all the time. Even if they had one in this new place I live, I would not go, My new job is too high up to take the chance of this lil town talking and my employment finds out.
I used to use everyday, all day and if I was working I couldn't wait untill i got home. Now that I am here and can't find it, Is it ok if I only do it sometimes if I keep my head on straight?
Thanks for your advise
Redbear
The pink elephant in the room, and constant worry
Hi everyone,
I just was reading another post, and a member said they were addicted to opiates prior to turning to crack.....
Ho boy did that frighten me....
Is that typical with addiction? I had never thought about that before.
Sure, having a abf who is in denial about his drug abuse is bad enough. He says he can give up the alcohol, and coke he only does with his buddies, once and a while..... bla bla bla bla
For some reason he admitts a prob. with the pain pills- but still refuses to get help. Everyday I do believe he has the intention to do something about it, but I truely believe it is "easier" for him to just swallow a pill and say..."tomorrow will be the day I quit".
It is very sad to me. I have been working on detatchment, I am attempting to love him and let him go-
As I've said before, free the caged animal. He needs to fall flat on his face- all alone. I'm not willing to engage in any type of conversation with him about the following (when he will get help, why he continues to use, why he dosen't follow through on his promisise, etc.)
HOWEVER- I just read a post and I thought to myself Holly crap, what if he turns to crack next??????
Then I quickly said to myself, don't worry about it. Nothing I can do to control it if he does......
My question is, does addiction continue to go from one drug the next??
I don't want to even be concerned - as I have plenty to be concerned with as it is.........
But I am.
Any ideas or thoughts? P.s..... I still don't get the whole detatchment idea. I'm trying soooooooooooooo hard. I don't question him anylonger, I let him be. (for the most part)
I know I'm jumping all over the place here, but one example that I need to ask about is as follows:
He was on the couch watching a movie last night, I cuddled up to him and we talked like old pals, everything is fine, because If I don't bang him out about his "addiction issues" then our home is in great shape.
I FEEL LIKE THAT IS IGNORING THE BIG PINK ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM........
so what is detatching really supposed to feel like????
Please, any responses on either matter would be appreciated.....
Love
Cessy
I just was reading another post, and a member said they were addicted to opiates prior to turning to crack.....
Ho boy did that frighten me....
Is that typical with addiction? I had never thought about that before.
Sure, having a abf who is in denial about his drug abuse is bad enough. He says he can give up the alcohol, and coke he only does with his buddies, once and a while..... bla bla bla bla
For some reason he admitts a prob. with the pain pills- but still refuses to get help. Everyday I do believe he has the intention to do something about it, but I truely believe it is "easier" for him to just swallow a pill and say..."tomorrow will be the day I quit".
It is very sad to me. I have been working on detatchment, I am attempting to love him and let him go-
As I've said before, free the caged animal. He needs to fall flat on his face- all alone. I'm not willing to engage in any type of conversation with him about the following (when he will get help, why he continues to use, why he dosen't follow through on his promisise, etc.)
HOWEVER- I just read a post and I thought to myself Holly crap, what if he turns to crack next??????
Then I quickly said to myself, don't worry about it. Nothing I can do to control it if he does......
My question is, does addiction continue to go from one drug the next??
I don't want to even be concerned - as I have plenty to be concerned with as it is.........
But I am.
Any ideas or thoughts? P.s..... I still don't get the whole detatchment idea. I'm trying soooooooooooooo hard. I don't question him anylonger, I let him be. (for the most part)
I know I'm jumping all over the place here, but one example that I need to ask about is as follows:
He was on the couch watching a movie last night, I cuddled up to him and we talked like old pals, everything is fine, because If I don't bang him out about his "addiction issues" then our home is in great shape.
I FEEL LIKE THAT IS IGNORING THE BIG PINK ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM........
so what is detatching really supposed to feel like????
Please, any responses on either matter would be appreciated.....
Love
Cessy
