Archive for the ‘Companion’ tag
A miracle in the early stages.
At my home group we have had a lady coming for about 6 weeks now.... she seemed miserable, scared, and beaten, she only spoke one time and that was simply to say "Hi my name is ABCXYZ.", she always came with a lady with 12 years.
Well Wednesday night when the chair asked for a topic she immediately piped up and said "Hi my name is ABCXYZ and I am an alcoholic!", she then shared that the prior evening she had picked up her first 24 hour chip, that she had finally surrendered to the fact that she was indeed an alcoholic. She shared more on what had happened the prior week to bring her to that conclusion and wanted to here about the first step!!!
The meeting was awesome, to see the change in her was awesome!!!! One could tell just by looking at her and hearing her that she was already changing, the misery and fear seemed far less and I swear there was a true sparkle of hope in her eyes!!!!
The one thing that struck me as odd was her usual companion had not brought her, she had come on her on!
Well Wednesday night when the chair asked for a topic she immediately piped up and said "Hi my name is ABCXYZ and I am an alcoholic!", she then shared that the prior evening she had picked up her first 24 hour chip, that she had finally surrendered to the fact that she was indeed an alcoholic. She shared more on what had happened the prior week to bring her to that conclusion and wanted to here about the first step!!!
The meeting was awesome, to see the change in her was awesome!!!! One could tell just by looking at her and hearing her that she was already changing, the misery and fear seemed far less and I swear there was a true sparkle of hope in her eyes!!!!
The one thing that struck me as odd was her usual companion had not brought her, she had come on her on!
TRYING SO HARD to find normal
I have been reading books on Adult children of alcoholics to try to figure out where this started. How long have I been confused and numb? Am I confused? Is the rest of the world confused? My father was an alcoholic. I married a man that is an alcoholic-less drinking but still drinking. It was progressive over the last 40 years, but I now see the 6 pack is an absolute every day. Is it normal for me to sit in the house waiting for him to come in from a beer and a cigarette 5 times a night? Is it normal for me to expect that he will drink those 6 beers every night? I try to balance this all out with he is such a nice person. He is a good man, sweet, caring and would do anything for his family...but quit drinking beer. I have forgiven him for all his indiscretions due to drinking over the last 40 years-were these normal? Should I accept this kind of life? Do I /Should I deserve more than this? Isn't this normal? I grew up with this, I have been in this relationship for 40 years-it must be normal. Don't know what the rest of the world's normal is. I am trying so hard to figure these things out. I am the reason he drinks. He started because of me, if only I could make changes he could stop drinking. He likes to have a few beers after work, blah, blah, blah.
I am going to go to an AlAnon meeting by me they will start again this month. Havent gone to one for 25 years-then I only went once and left with "detach from the alcohol part of him" so I did. His problem though has become mine, because I don't know normal. And I am scared to death to let him know. See I know he would just leave if the choice was me or alcohol-even after all these years. Would come back but all changes would be temporary. I have never threatened to leave. I don't believe in idol threats and I have never been ready to leave. I truly love him. He is my companion, best friend, confident-I know that sounds crazy. Like someone would say-do you see what you are writing? two different descriptions of your life. Sound nuts doesn't it. Now I wonder what life would be like if it was "normal". I just can't seem to find out what normal should be. I have posted a few times, and I am (I think) starting to sort things out a little, but I still find I am very scared that I am not living the "normal" life. Do I want to find out what normal is? Maybe it isn't what I am living. Do I have the inner strength/energy to act on things if I am not living "normal". I am afraid to be alone, but yet crave alone time, and yet feel lonely even though I am married. Does that even make sense??? I am trying hard, just can't seem to get it sorted out. I know Alanon meetings will help but that will be a slow process too. My son introduced me to this site and I read it every morning and every night. I have learned alot already. Enough to know-I NEED to know more, so much more.
I am going to go to an AlAnon meeting by me they will start again this month. Havent gone to one for 25 years-then I only went once and left with "detach from the alcohol part of him" so I did. His problem though has become mine, because I don't know normal. And I am scared to death to let him know. See I know he would just leave if the choice was me or alcohol-even after all these years. Would come back but all changes would be temporary. I have never threatened to leave. I don't believe in idol threats and I have never been ready to leave. I truly love him. He is my companion, best friend, confident-I know that sounds crazy. Like someone would say-do you see what you are writing? two different descriptions of your life. Sound nuts doesn't it. Now I wonder what life would be like if it was "normal". I just can't seem to find out what normal should be. I have posted a few times, and I am (I think) starting to sort things out a little, but I still find I am very scared that I am not living the "normal" life. Do I want to find out what normal is? Maybe it isn't what I am living. Do I have the inner strength/energy to act on things if I am not living "normal". I am afraid to be alone, but yet crave alone time, and yet feel lonely even though I am married. Does that even make sense??? I am trying hard, just can't seem to get it sorted out. I know Alanon meetings will help but that will be a slow process too. My son introduced me to this site and I read it every morning and every night. I have learned alot already. Enough to know-I NEED to know more, so much more.
Sober Compaions can help
I am a Sober Companion based in the Caribbean and I can help in the Early Weeks in Recovery:praying
Brice | 00599 549290
Brice | 00599 549290
No one to blame but me
Every time I think I've found the lowest I could possibly go, life surprises me with yet another slide straight into hell, with no one to thank but myself.
This time, I was about 2 weeks into sobriety. Peer pressure overcame my decent judgment though and I decided it might be ok to have a beer. This kicked off a 4-day drinking and drug binge. My companion through this 4-day binge insists he will pay me back, and I believe him. He has always kept his word about paying me back. However, he's never owed me $2000 before and he's even more broke than I am so I'm just going to have to figure out how to pay for this one on my own, until he can pay me back. I'm sure my credit card already loves the interest payments.
Now, what have drinking and drugs done for me?
The thing is, if it were anyone else I could have easily said no. Every time I do something that I know is a bad idea, this guy is involved. I fell for him ages ago-- perhaps a year-and-a-half ago-- but we've always kept it "just friends" because he has a girlfriend (though she lives about 120 miles away). And we didn't start out this way, we were good friends, we did fun stuff together-- movies, concerts, etc- studied together for our classes, and generally stayed out of trouble and worked hard in school. Then we started drinking a bit and everything has spiraled down hill. Neither of us can stop drinking, he's engaged to his gf and they have a baby but whenever he gets drunk he tries to kiss me and hugs me and tells me he's in love with me but he wants to be in his daughter's life and can't call off the engagement at this point-- I don't know if he means it or he's being manipulative or he's just drunk. I'm heartbroken because I really did fall for him-- first guy I've ever been in love with-- and it kills me that we can only be friends so I drink all the time to forget about it.
And I KNOW that he's not good for me, because he's got so much power over me that I drink and do drugs with him even though I know I shouldn't, and don't even want to. I know I'd be better off without him in my life at all. When neither of us are drunk we're awesome friends, we have so much fun just watching movies or hanging out and we're supportive of each other and we are good influences on each other. And then we get around alcohol and we both become idiots; he wants to do this crap, and either puts a lot of pressure on me or sweet-talks me into it, and I give in every time.
Now all I seem to do is drink and cry. I hate my life, I can barely pay my bills, and I'm miserable from the time I get up until the time I either start drinking or crawl into bed. I want to be over him; I want to be the person I used to be before I started drinking, back when I liked myself.
This time, I was about 2 weeks into sobriety. Peer pressure overcame my decent judgment though and I decided it might be ok to have a beer. This kicked off a 4-day drinking and drug binge. My companion through this 4-day binge insists he will pay me back, and I believe him. He has always kept his word about paying me back. However, he's never owed me $2000 before and he's even more broke than I am so I'm just going to have to figure out how to pay for this one on my own, until he can pay me back. I'm sure my credit card already loves the interest payments.
Now, what have drinking and drugs done for me?
The thing is, if it were anyone else I could have easily said no. Every time I do something that I know is a bad idea, this guy is involved. I fell for him ages ago-- perhaps a year-and-a-half ago-- but we've always kept it "just friends" because he has a girlfriend (though she lives about 120 miles away). And we didn't start out this way, we were good friends, we did fun stuff together-- movies, concerts, etc- studied together for our classes, and generally stayed out of trouble and worked hard in school. Then we started drinking a bit and everything has spiraled down hill. Neither of us can stop drinking, he's engaged to his gf and they have a baby but whenever he gets drunk he tries to kiss me and hugs me and tells me he's in love with me but he wants to be in his daughter's life and can't call off the engagement at this point-- I don't know if he means it or he's being manipulative or he's just drunk. I'm heartbroken because I really did fall for him-- first guy I've ever been in love with-- and it kills me that we can only be friends so I drink all the time to forget about it.
And I KNOW that he's not good for me, because he's got so much power over me that I drink and do drugs with him even though I know I shouldn't, and don't even want to. I know I'd be better off without him in my life at all. When neither of us are drunk we're awesome friends, we have so much fun just watching movies or hanging out and we're supportive of each other and we are good influences on each other. And then we get around alcohol and we both become idiots; he wants to do this crap, and either puts a lot of pressure on me or sweet-talks me into it, and I give in every time.
Now all I seem to do is drink and cry. I hate my life, I can barely pay my bills, and I'm miserable from the time I get up until the time I either start drinking or crawl into bed. I want to be over him; I want to be the person I used to be before I started drinking, back when I liked myself.
Hubby went to 1st meeting hmmm…..
Well its been a while since I've been on, I know I hate when I stray away but I get so busy. Ok today @ 7 pm my hubby went to his 1st CA meeting. I wanted him to attend one of these meetings but where we live... nothing only where he's at. Which I think still offers similar meetings like the ones here. Anyhow, how did it come to the pt of him going? I told him I didn't want to mess w/ his BS anymore & that if he didn't live up to his promises.... I was moving on. Lately, I have been so cold to him & have not been affectionate @ all either w/ him. He tries to act like the good old times trying hard to re-enact 'em but.... not gonna work for me anymore. I got to test him twice after our big fight ummm... about mid July, and 1st time it came out positive (he had admitted prior to test) & then another time after that & it came out clean. Since that night I have not noticed his eyes wide open like that night & he has mellowed down on the sniff'n part & the flush face too. I think since he's been back w/ me he's been clean, but still hard. I know after he got out of jail Saturday night he was cell phoneless & was in his sister's car which I know he did more than just coke that night. Of course he says all he did was coke & went straight back to his mom's. Right!
I still love this fool & I want things to go back the way they were. I just want my husband back. I told him when he was away @ his mom's that I wasn't gonna wait around for him anymore & that I didn't plan on staying by myself either. I'm not the type who likes to be alone, not to be financial dependent, just the company. After 19 yrs I've gotten used to that companion. See my hubby's not ugly looking @ all. He gets alot of attention from women of all ages even if they see me standing next to him. As for me, I'm not ugly nor am I beautiful just pretty. He tells me that w/ my smile & my (somewhat) oriental eyes is what gets guy's/men's attn . So he knows I'll find someone. Yeah I probably could, but I want him. I know by now I sound so stupid, but I can't help myself. I don't want to be single & end up w/ someone worse. He does alot of things normal husbands don't do like wash dishes, sweep, mop, fold clothes, etc. He's always helped especially when in the dog house. He does spoil me rotten not just material wise but pampers me too. That's what I'm used too & that's what gets me back in his little web over & over. I'm a fool :15: I know. Also, if I stay w/ him I think my life will change dramatically. I love to go dancing & going out w/ our friends for drinks & dancing.:dance3: It's all innocent on my part, but not w/ him. That's his opportunity to use, so if I stay w/ him normal things like that will have to stop cuz of him. That's if I want him to stay clean, I can't be going to places like that. I can't just say "let's go & have drinks" like happy hour cuz he can't drink either. Oh this is ugly & so unfair to me. Why? Especially when I had to put up w/ him all these yrs living a life of hell then still need to rearrange my life for him.... again! Ok I'll stop, I'm saying same thing over & over. So ok let me have it... you think someone like him can change? Is there hope for him or should I move on? (I know I just wanna hear opinions & know ultimately its my decision):a108:
I still love this fool & I want things to go back the way they were. I just want my husband back. I told him when he was away @ his mom's that I wasn't gonna wait around for him anymore & that I didn't plan on staying by myself either. I'm not the type who likes to be alone, not to be financial dependent, just the company. After 19 yrs I've gotten used to that companion. See my hubby's not ugly looking @ all. He gets alot of attention from women of all ages even if they see me standing next to him. As for me, I'm not ugly nor am I beautiful just pretty. He tells me that w/ my smile & my (somewhat) oriental eyes is what gets guy's/men's attn . So he knows I'll find someone. Yeah I probably could, but I want him. I know by now I sound so stupid, but I can't help myself. I don't want to be single & end up w/ someone worse. He does alot of things normal husbands don't do like wash dishes, sweep, mop, fold clothes, etc. He's always helped especially when in the dog house. He does spoil me rotten not just material wise but pampers me too. That's what I'm used too & that's what gets me back in his little web over & over. I'm a fool :15: I know. Also, if I stay w/ him I think my life will change dramatically. I love to go dancing & going out w/ our friends for drinks & dancing.:dance3: It's all innocent on my part, but not w/ him. That's his opportunity to use, so if I stay w/ him normal things like that will have to stop cuz of him. That's if I want him to stay clean, I can't be going to places like that. I can't just say "let's go & have drinks" like happy hour cuz he can't drink either. Oh this is ugly & so unfair to me. Why? Especially when I had to put up w/ him all these yrs living a life of hell then still need to rearrange my life for him.... again! Ok I'll stop, I'm saying same thing over & over. So ok let me have it... you think someone like him can change? Is there hope for him or should I move on? (I know I just wanna hear opinions & know ultimately its my decision):a108:
*update*
Hey Hey! Got back yesterday from my "gorge"ous time at the Gorge! It was there that I consciously worked my mind in not thinking too much about everything. I would catch myself thinking too much and wanting to send my guy streaming text messages of my thoughts...... but I drafted them instead. It was then that I realized just how blinking bipolar emotionally I am with this relationship. I can literally go from being happy to sad to angry to nervous to joyful to serene ... cross the board..... over a course of a day.
And what I remind myself is by asking myself this: "Why????? Why do I give so much power to this addiction/relationship?" And I go to answer it... and I can't..... it just irritates me that I do. So it irritates me enough to the point, that I STOP IT!
My dog of nearly 15 years.... my companion (esp. before the boys were born)... passed away on Sunday. I was on the phone with my guy when he found her. He and some friends took her to be buried that day. I'm so glad that she passed when I was not there to see her go. I *knew* somehow that she would do that. So... coming home yesterday and telling the boys - was very emotional. We all went out to the grave site and said our blessings.
My guy pee tested clean yesterday too. So that was good....... but the weekend here going through it on his own... was difficult for him. I'm sure no one wishes it more than him- that it was as easy as just not picking up..... but it's not. I think it's finally sinking in to him that he does have the disease of addiction.
I get to go back out this weekend with some friends for another triple night stand of DMB - now in Berkeley! It's total and complete self-indulgence..... I do feel guilty but at the same time..... D@mn..... I need this! :)
PS...... I'm not giving power to addiction........ NOPE! NADA! (well for today I'm not!) ;)
And what I remind myself is by asking myself this: "Why????? Why do I give so much power to this addiction/relationship?" And I go to answer it... and I can't..... it just irritates me that I do. So it irritates me enough to the point, that I STOP IT!
My dog of nearly 15 years.... my companion (esp. before the boys were born)... passed away on Sunday. I was on the phone with my guy when he found her. He and some friends took her to be buried that day. I'm so glad that she passed when I was not there to see her go. I *knew* somehow that she would do that. So... coming home yesterday and telling the boys - was very emotional. We all went out to the grave site and said our blessings.
My guy pee tested clean yesterday too. So that was good....... but the weekend here going through it on his own... was difficult for him. I'm sure no one wishes it more than him- that it was as easy as just not picking up..... but it's not. I think it's finally sinking in to him that he does have the disease of addiction.
I get to go back out this weekend with some friends for another triple night stand of DMB - now in Berkeley! It's total and complete self-indulgence..... I do feel guilty but at the same time..... D@mn..... I need this! :)
PS...... I'm not giving power to addiction........ NOPE! NADA! (well for today I'm not!) ;)
