Drug Rehab Options Blog

Sorry folks, this one is a mixed bag here...

It seems right as the perfect time to go to bed comes along (10pm-ish), I get my second wind. It's now three am and I'm still awake, feeling crappy and remorseful that I didn't seize the opportunity.
Something in my head always tells me I need to stay awake and finish some stuff first. But usually that 'important stuff' winds up being my petty compulsions; being on the computer looking up irrelevant stuff, or binge-eating. And sometimes that voice is telling me that I'm going to be missing out on something if I go to sleep, but it's false.

I have been trying to figure out where my insomnia came from. As a kid I used to stay up late for 'high' effect it gave. And then as a teenager, I used to stay up late so I could be prepared to do what I needed to when one of my parents came home drunk and I'd either have to leave, hide or fend off their attacks.
Now I think it's just a force of habit and I may be this way all my life. I've never held a consistent sleep routine longer than two weeks. And I know some people who are just 'nocturnal'. But for my needs, I think it's best that I start getting up early like a normal person.

The whole town is going to be snowed in tomorrow (I mean, today!) and so I don't feel too guilty about sleeping in, but I my goal is to not sleep past twelve am, and next I'll keep trying until I can get to not sleeping in past 9am.


:thinking:

"There is a "point" as he calls it, where I am willing, but for some reason unable, to get past a block that prevents me from choosing to be happy and journey on into emotional sobriety. Bill W. aptly called it "a hell of a spot!" He also showed me I was dealing with my unconscious, that great expanse of old recordings which continually plays a lifetime of neglect, frustration, and fear. Locked in this deep hidden part of me are fears and compulsions which he calls "faulty and emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, indeed, upon any set of circumstances whatever." This was a powerful and revealing statement about my dilemma, my recovery, and the direction I should now go. I was still absolutely dependent for validation and security on people (even my long-dead parents) and circumstances beyond my control. This created a terrible endless spiral of self-condemnation, guilt, and depression. I began to see that my recovery was a process of growth followed by sabotage. These episodes began with a kind of innocence and newness of experience offered to me by my recovery - a pink cloud, if you will. From this new experience, I was allowed to make positive choices and responses, thus creating joy and excitement in my life. As this high peaked out, I felt the need for relief and rest. To find this relief I chose the opposite of the positive and joyous feelings. This was how I nurtured myself; it was all I had ever learned. Of course, this caused decline instead of peace and so my need for relief grew. I added other opposites and experienced more decline. Frustration and doubt began to set in. Soon I slipped into a kind of learned violence against myself for failing in my attempt to grow and nurture myself. From here it was only a short slide to depression, that gray expanse of self-hatred and self-deceit. After periods of depression , the episodes would start over again with some new experience. My absolute dependencies on people and circumstances were sabotaging my recovery with a type of self-abuse. "



Anyone else?

"There is a "point" as he calls it, where I am willing, but for some reason unable, to get past a block that prevents me from choosing to be happy and journey on into emotional sobriety. Bill W. aptly called it "a hell of a spot!" He also showed me I was dealing with my unconscious, that great expanse of old recordings which continually plays a lifetime of neglect, frustration, and fear. Locked in this deep hidden part of me are fears and compulsions which he calls "faulty and emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, indeed, upon any set of circumstances whatever." This was a powerful and revealing statement about my dilemma, my recovery, and the direction I should now go. I was still absolutely dependent for validation and security on people (even my long-dead parents) and circumstances beyond my control. This created a terrible endless spiral of self-condemnation, guilt, and depression. I began to see that my recovery was a process of growth followed by sabotage. These episodes began with a kind of innocence and newness of experience offered to me by my recovery - a pink cloud, if you will. From this new experience, I was allowed to make positive choices and responses, thus creating joy and excitement in my life. As this high peaked out, I felt the need for relief and rest. To find this relief I chose the opposite of the positive and joyous feelings. This was how I nurtured myself; it was all I had ever learned. Of course, this caused decline instead of peace and so my need for relief grew. I added other opposites and experienced more decline. Frustration and doubt began to set in. Soon I slipped into a kind of learned violence against myself for failing in my attempt to grow and nurture myself. From here it was only a short slide to depression, that gray expanse of self-hatred and self-deceit. After periods of depression , the episodes would start over again with some new experience. My absolute dependencies on people and circumstances were sabotaging my recovery with a type of self-abuse. "



Anyone else?

Hi All

I was searching the internet for some information on short term memory loss and came across this site so joined as I think I need support and can offer support as well.

I'm from an addictive background I have 2 brothers both struggling with compulsions drinking, gamling, drugs etc

I luckily joined the Army at 17 so never took drugs, but I do smoke,drink and gamble to much.

I'm a Christian and Christianity is growing stronger in me almost daily has been for a few years and maybe this forum and its loving supporters can keep me on straight and narrow and hopefully i can do same for others.

Ok so Drinking. I'm not at the dependency stage yet ( i dont think ) though Ive never gone longer than 3 or 4 days without a drink unless I've say been on tour in Afg for 6 months (last tour 06), I do drink most days and most days maybe 2 or 3 cans of lager OR half a bottle to a bottle of wine. And then on special times ie Fridays Weekend or social events A good skinful, 8-10 pints (20 units) so my weekly cosumption probably around 60-100 units.

I also have trouble with Gambling Especially when Drinking or if Ive abstained for a few weeks / months, but drinking is worse as I play internet poker and I play recklessly when drinking and have huge swings one minute I can be up $500 even a $1000 on $3 $6 table and an hour later lost all winnings and $600 from bank account. Crazy

I keep saying to myself I wont play again but I do start sober play very carefully and play quite well, I can hold my own Ive played it for enough years but to be honest the I can play quite well is the worst thing cos that gets you playing again, be better if i lost everyday.

The Memory loss its getting worse and Im only 39, main loss is forgetting peoples names, i was sat in garden earlier, we got 3 rabbits and 2 guinea pigs had them a couple of years i struggled to remember there names I go to church most sundays I know the congregation but I struggle to remember there names, I think its from the alcohol maybe somebody could throw more light on it maybe i should do memory exercises take my brain to the Gym???

Love to All

Anth
x

I am at a loss: if I do not eat wheat my compulsions (AA, NA, SA) diminish, so I wd need some support from people who try the same path. All I get as a reaction is that it is impossible. But for me it works.:a043: