Archive for the ‘Concerts’ tag
Personal Anonymity
I recall a time when using was fun. I remember the parties, concerts, cookouts and various social functions I attended and how almost everyone I knew was getting blitzed on something. I thought I was a "social butterfly" because I was well-known and got along with people from all walks. Although I've always been pretty bad with recalling names, it seemed like everyone knew me by name.
As my addiction progressed, my world seemed to shrink. Not in the sense that less people knew who I was, but I was restricted to only dealing with people I had to deal with or those I used with. My social life came to a halt and I cut ties with all those who didn't use like me. And by the time I got totally out of control, I was trying to hide in corners, alleys and back doors. I became a "vampire" because I rarely came out during daylight hours. In my sick mind, I often imagined that I was invisible and no one could see me slipping in and out of those "undesirable" places. Yet..my grandma's words would always echo in my head: "You know who you see...but you never know who sees you!"
Once I got clean, and came to NA, I learned about steps and traditions. I learned about, "what is said here, let it stay here." I also learned about principles before personalities. But here's something that I caught on to some years back, and it still amazes me - my addiction was never a secret and many people knew I had a problem long before I even knew it. Just because I tried to drop off the face of the earth didn't mean I was forgotten. I'm often spellbound by the folks who call my name or wave and speak (and I can't remember where I know them from).
So here's where I'm going with this; I often wonder whether there's really such a thing as personal anonymity. I mean, there's so many people that know who I am but I don't know them, it's crazy. Whether I'm walking into a mall, a supermarket or into the doors of a facility where meetings are held - I can't imagine that I'm anonymous. I'm an ex-felon so part of my history is public knowledge. Yet...as a rule of thumb, I don't go around announcing my NA membership status or make it a point to tell strangers I'm in recovery. That info is provided on a "need to know" basis, yet I don't deny anything. Most of my friends are in recovery (they got clean years before me) and the few that aren't were never addicts and don't use. We grew up together as kids.
Are you open with people when it comes to your personal anonyimity? How much do you think others know about your past ,whether it be your drug history ,criminal background? Is it ever Ok to hold back our past? Lets say with a prospected employer or relationship?
Just Curious.
As my addiction progressed, my world seemed to shrink. Not in the sense that less people knew who I was, but I was restricted to only dealing with people I had to deal with or those I used with. My social life came to a halt and I cut ties with all those who didn't use like me. And by the time I got totally out of control, I was trying to hide in corners, alleys and back doors. I became a "vampire" because I rarely came out during daylight hours. In my sick mind, I often imagined that I was invisible and no one could see me slipping in and out of those "undesirable" places. Yet..my grandma's words would always echo in my head: "You know who you see...but you never know who sees you!"
Once I got clean, and came to NA, I learned about steps and traditions. I learned about, "what is said here, let it stay here." I also learned about principles before personalities. But here's something that I caught on to some years back, and it still amazes me - my addiction was never a secret and many people knew I had a problem long before I even knew it. Just because I tried to drop off the face of the earth didn't mean I was forgotten. I'm often spellbound by the folks who call my name or wave and speak (and I can't remember where I know them from).
So here's where I'm going with this; I often wonder whether there's really such a thing as personal anonymity. I mean, there's so many people that know who I am but I don't know them, it's crazy. Whether I'm walking into a mall, a supermarket or into the doors of a facility where meetings are held - I can't imagine that I'm anonymous. I'm an ex-felon so part of my history is public knowledge. Yet...as a rule of thumb, I don't go around announcing my NA membership status or make it a point to tell strangers I'm in recovery. That info is provided on a "need to know" basis, yet I don't deny anything. Most of my friends are in recovery (they got clean years before me) and the few that aren't were never addicts and don't use. We grew up together as kids.
Are you open with people when it comes to your personal anonyimity? How much do you think others know about your past ,whether it be your drug history ,criminal background? Is it ever Ok to hold back our past? Lets say with a prospected employer or relationship?
Just Curious.
breaking out of the deprivation cycle - at last!
My parents' illnesses and addictions meant that I grew up very isolated, and deprived of cultural things. And I'm a very artistic person. Unlike my parents. They would always say that they didn't know where I got it from, because it wasn't from them, my ability to write, draw, dance.
My therapist has been encouraging me very strongly to get out and do artistic things.
Which is all well and good but I can't afford it.
I was feeling well pissed off earlier. Really angry with her. And myself. And life
.
But then I had a brainwave.
London for free websites. There's tonnes of them.
And there's free art exhibitions, concerts, and so forth.
I've already got a list.
I aim to do one thing, at least, a week.
I'm really chuffed and proud of myself.
I am planning to go and see an art exhibition on Sunday. :)
My therapist has been encouraging me very strongly to get out and do artistic things.
Which is all well and good but I can't afford it.
I was feeling well pissed off earlier. Really angry with her. And myself. And life
.
But then I had a brainwave.
London for free websites. There's tonnes of them.
And there's free art exhibitions, concerts, and so forth.
I've already got a list.
I aim to do one thing, at least, a week.
I'm really chuffed and proud of myself.
I am planning to go and see an art exhibition on Sunday. :)
Urges surfaced last night…why????
For the past 3 weeks I feel that I have been very stable on the subs--no urges, cravings, even no desires whatsoever. I decreased my dose 2-3 weeks ago down to 12mg/day and was doing really well. I even went to a concert last weekend and had no problems (was my first real outing since detox). Well, last night I went to a comedy show (Larry the Cable Guy--so funny--I'm not a redneck!). Anyway, halfway through the show, this feeling came over me that I wanted to take pills. The urge caught me totally off guard. I wasn't drinking or anything. My subs were cut down to 10mg/day this week because of the muscle spasms/twitches I was having. I had only been at 10mg for one day so I know if I were going to start having urges/cravings again for too low of a dose, it would not have happened that quickly, right? I had already taken 6mg when I went to the show last night. When I got home, I was emailing a friend telling her that I'd like to go back up to where I used to live to see her and her family for the weekend. The thought went through my head that if I was up there I could get some pills from the person I used to buy from. That feeling scared the hell out of me too, and I ended the email to her saying it wouldn't be for a few weeks. I don't want to put myself in that situation with the way I'm feeling. Today I seem to be better. There is vicodin 7.5s in my parent's med cabinet that I saw this am and it didn't phase me. I've known they've been there because when I relapsed I took some of them, but I've known for weeks they were there and didn't touch them. Now when I think about going to visit my friend, I'm afraid I won't have the willpower to not go to my other "friend's" house to buy pills (the person I buy from doesn't know about addiction). Any input would be greatly appreciated. Last night was the 2nd time out. I did fine last week at the concert, and it was the first time being completely sober (I used to always get drunk at concerts--never took pills at them, just alcohol). Also, the show last night I went to about 5 years ago and was drunk through the whole thing (wasn't addict then). I don't know if that had something to do with it--not used to laughing that much without being high? Any suggestions? After not having an urge or desire for several weeks now, I'm worried about it. I'm not acting on it. Since I have relapsed before while on subs, I know how to do it---it's a waste of money in the beginning but with perseverance I got high again off pills, so I'm scared. It helps that I have no money and am relying solely on my parents now. I have used all money that I had of my own (not on drugs) since moving in with parents on doctors/therapist/sub doc, so they would know if I was short $100. Anyway, what do you all think. Could one day of a lower dose of subs really make a difference? Could it be that i lowered twice in 2-3 weeks? (I can't remember for sure when I went down to 12--I think it was last Wed so it might have only been a week). I guess it's possible that the 12mg down from 16mg is just catching up with me--the timing would be right.
I'll end here, I think I'm answering my own questions, but I wanted to get it out on here because it truly scared me, is scaring me somewhat today, and it just broadsided me without warning last night. Good thing is that the person I bought from is 2 hours away--not a trip I'm going to take. Thank you in advance for any thoughts!
I'll end here, I think I'm answering my own questions, but I wanted to get it out on here because it truly scared me, is scaring me somewhat today, and it just broadsided me without warning last night. Good thing is that the person I bought from is 2 hours away--not a trip I'm going to take. Thank you in advance for any thoughts!
No one to blame but me
Every time I think I've found the lowest I could possibly go, life surprises me with yet another slide straight into hell, with no one to thank but myself.
This time, I was about 2 weeks into sobriety. Peer pressure overcame my decent judgment though and I decided it might be ok to have a beer. This kicked off a 4-day drinking and drug binge. My companion through this 4-day binge insists he will pay me back, and I believe him. He has always kept his word about paying me back. However, he's never owed me $2000 before and he's even more broke than I am so I'm just going to have to figure out how to pay for this one on my own, until he can pay me back. I'm sure my credit card already loves the interest payments.
Now, what have drinking and drugs done for me?
The thing is, if it were anyone else I could have easily said no. Every time I do something that I know is a bad idea, this guy is involved. I fell for him ages ago-- perhaps a year-and-a-half ago-- but we've always kept it "just friends" because he has a girlfriend (though she lives about 120 miles away). And we didn't start out this way, we were good friends, we did fun stuff together-- movies, concerts, etc- studied together for our classes, and generally stayed out of trouble and worked hard in school. Then we started drinking a bit and everything has spiraled down hill. Neither of us can stop drinking, he's engaged to his gf and they have a baby but whenever he gets drunk he tries to kiss me and hugs me and tells me he's in love with me but he wants to be in his daughter's life and can't call off the engagement at this point-- I don't know if he means it or he's being manipulative or he's just drunk. I'm heartbroken because I really did fall for him-- first guy I've ever been in love with-- and it kills me that we can only be friends so I drink all the time to forget about it.
And I KNOW that he's not good for me, because he's got so much power over me that I drink and do drugs with him even though I know I shouldn't, and don't even want to. I know I'd be better off without him in my life at all. When neither of us are drunk we're awesome friends, we have so much fun just watching movies or hanging out and we're supportive of each other and we are good influences on each other. And then we get around alcohol and we both become idiots; he wants to do this crap, and either puts a lot of pressure on me or sweet-talks me into it, and I give in every time.
Now all I seem to do is drink and cry. I hate my life, I can barely pay my bills, and I'm miserable from the time I get up until the time I either start drinking or crawl into bed. I want to be over him; I want to be the person I used to be before I started drinking, back when I liked myself.
This time, I was about 2 weeks into sobriety. Peer pressure overcame my decent judgment though and I decided it might be ok to have a beer. This kicked off a 4-day drinking and drug binge. My companion through this 4-day binge insists he will pay me back, and I believe him. He has always kept his word about paying me back. However, he's never owed me $2000 before and he's even more broke than I am so I'm just going to have to figure out how to pay for this one on my own, until he can pay me back. I'm sure my credit card already loves the interest payments.
Now, what have drinking and drugs done for me?
The thing is, if it were anyone else I could have easily said no. Every time I do something that I know is a bad idea, this guy is involved. I fell for him ages ago-- perhaps a year-and-a-half ago-- but we've always kept it "just friends" because he has a girlfriend (though she lives about 120 miles away). And we didn't start out this way, we were good friends, we did fun stuff together-- movies, concerts, etc- studied together for our classes, and generally stayed out of trouble and worked hard in school. Then we started drinking a bit and everything has spiraled down hill. Neither of us can stop drinking, he's engaged to his gf and they have a baby but whenever he gets drunk he tries to kiss me and hugs me and tells me he's in love with me but he wants to be in his daughter's life and can't call off the engagement at this point-- I don't know if he means it or he's being manipulative or he's just drunk. I'm heartbroken because I really did fall for him-- first guy I've ever been in love with-- and it kills me that we can only be friends so I drink all the time to forget about it.
And I KNOW that he's not good for me, because he's got so much power over me that I drink and do drugs with him even though I know I shouldn't, and don't even want to. I know I'd be better off without him in my life at all. When neither of us are drunk we're awesome friends, we have so much fun just watching movies or hanging out and we're supportive of each other and we are good influences on each other. And then we get around alcohol and we both become idiots; he wants to do this crap, and either puts a lot of pressure on me or sweet-talks me into it, and I give in every time.
Now all I seem to do is drink and cry. I hate my life, I can barely pay my bills, and I'm miserable from the time I get up until the time I either start drinking or crawl into bed. I want to be over him; I want to be the person I used to be before I started drinking, back when I liked myself.
New guy.. help with not drinking & dealing with anxiety/panick attacks
Hi Everyone,
First post other than throwing out some hugs to someone in need. I have been a long time reader & currently on day 3 of my first attempt to really quit.
More of a binge drinker & then having those "gotta have a few cause I feel like crap" drinks the next day. I have tried & tried to have a couple of drinks & stop but it never works out (all or nothing kinda deal). The anxiety/withdrawal symptoms have been getting worse & worse and I am having a really hard time dealing with them (yes, I know that is the alcohol slowly killing me).
I'm in an industry that involves a lot of concerts & events and entertaining customers. The challenge is that I have a problem with anxiety & alcohol seems to really help to get me relaxed when I'm feeling nervous (I have bromazapam but it doesn't seem to do much anymore).
Anyway... I just wanted to get some of your thoughts on how you have dealt with your stress, anxiety and/or panic attacks while staying away from the booze. I know I need to see my doctor soon & let her know what is up. I have made some very bad decisions in the last couple of weeks due to drinking (and being hungover) & I need to make a change.
Congratulations to all of you who are going through the process & have quit drinking. All of the best in your recovery & I look forward to any & all thoughts/encouragement.
Take Care
First post other than throwing out some hugs to someone in need. I have been a long time reader & currently on day 3 of my first attempt to really quit.
More of a binge drinker & then having those "gotta have a few cause I feel like crap" drinks the next day. I have tried & tried to have a couple of drinks & stop but it never works out (all or nothing kinda deal). The anxiety/withdrawal symptoms have been getting worse & worse and I am having a really hard time dealing with them (yes, I know that is the alcohol slowly killing me).
I'm in an industry that involves a lot of concerts & events and entertaining customers. The challenge is that I have a problem with anxiety & alcohol seems to really help to get me relaxed when I'm feeling nervous (I have bromazapam but it doesn't seem to do much anymore).
Anyway... I just wanted to get some of your thoughts on how you have dealt with your stress, anxiety and/or panic attacks while staying away from the booze. I know I need to see my doctor soon & let her know what is up. I have made some very bad decisions in the last couple of weeks due to drinking (and being hungover) & I need to make a change.
Congratulations to all of you who are going through the process & have quit drinking. All of the best in your recovery & I look forward to any & all thoughts/encouragement.
Take Care
