Drug Rehab Options Blog

Hi everyone. its been about 3 yrs since my last need help post. wow feels like confession in church. lol. well abf and I (2 kids later and a house) got into a huge fight. hes been clean from iv coke and heroin for 3 yrs. a huge fight. over nothing really important. but it was big and bad and loud, and i told him to get the **** out. and he took some clothes his methadone, and got into his truck and left. about 15 mins later he texts me on my phone from his "i hope your happy i have nothing now" and i ask what that means and he said "figure it out" and i asked him where he was and he said in his truck and now his phone is off. i can not keep this house and my son in a private school. i have no job. i stay home and take care of 6 yr old and 2 yr old. the bills are too high for a job that i can get. i dont know what to do, what that meant and i dont want him back if he used. i need help i guess........... :sad2:

Hey Gang... I'm so glad I've found this site. I've been in the background for a month or so reading other peoples stories and the support I've seen is truly encouraging.

I am what I think would be refered to as a binge drinker. Now, my binges consist of probably 8-10 bottles of beer and, on occasion, a few shots. That may not seem like much in the grand scheme of drinking problems but its my inability to stop at just one or two that is problematic.

In addition to the inability to quit after a couple, the urge to drink is overwhelming after the 2nd or 3rd day after my last "binge". It's that urge or cumpulsion that concerns me the most.

In the last 2 years I haven't gone more than 3 days without getting drunk. I've tried but my mind always comes up with some reason why it's okay. This week I actually asked my Mother to stay with me so I had someone to be accountable to... so I could go a whole week without drinking. That worked great!...

... Until last night. I'm so dissappointed in myself for caving in. I had a lot on my mind after work and I just couldn't face coming home to my empty house again.

It's like just when I think I'm "over the hump" something snaps and in an instant I'll have convinced myself that it's okay to drink... and the next thing I know I'm sitting at the bar ready to drink the night away.

I'm not really sure what my intention is with this little confession... I guess I just thought if anyone would understand where I'm at... you all would. My father (who thinks of me as his drinkin buddy) seems to think I'm over reacting.

The fact is I'm tired of getting drunk all the time.

Thanks for listening.

~ LG1 in the Poconos

First of all, it is very hard for me to come here and write this.

I have been struggling for the last couple of months to get sober again. Alcohol had a very powerful grip on me. I've been trying to break free. I've been drinking very heavily. I was going to AA meetings and then drinking after the meetings. It has really taken its toll on my health.

After I drank again, I did not have the strength to pick myself right back up. I stayed down and continued to drink. But now I have a small glimmer of hope and a desire to win over alcohol. I can't believe the grip that this stuff has on me.

It all started over a thought that maybe I could drink socially again since I had months of sobriety. I thought that I could have one drink and be okay and would stop after that. Well, that one drink turned into one more and one more.... and it just kept going. The road of "one more drink" lead me straight to hell. It is a very lonely, painful place.

I was drinking every day. No matter how much I drank, I couldn't drink enough to drown out all of the recovery I had learned in my sober time. I rotated liquor stores because I was too embarrassed to keep showing up at the same one every day. I just felt like when they looked at me, they just knew. It was a horrible, deep shame and I know I am way over the line that separated alcoholics from social drinkers. I'm really far gone into alcoholism. I know social drinkers do not behave the way I was behaving.

I know what to do to get back on this road of recovery. I walked this road before and I still have what I learned and now I have this experience to learn from. I also know the reasons why I drank again and I'll avoid them in the future. I know the EXACT reasons that caused me to pick up a drink. I saw it coming and did nothing to stop it. I thought it was what I wanted, but I was sadly mistaken. It was what my alcoholic mind wanted but not really what I wanted if that makes any sense.

I also have to avoid people, places, and things associated with alcohol. I have to do it for my recovery. Without sobriety, I don't have anything.

I'm very disappointed that I started drinking again, but I am hopeful that this experience has made me stronger and reaffirmed my decision and reasons for recovery. Now I'm trying to get back up and give sobriety another chance. This time, I won't be careless about who I hang around and won't hang around in slippery places where alcohol is served.

Thanks for listening.

I f***ed up. Again. I knew I shouldn't do it but I did it anyways. Sort of like AA, if you've had a fair amount of exposure to AA and you decide to try drinking again, it will ruin your drinking career because deep down you know you're f***ing up.

Despite all her protestations and that email she sent me in June about "quitting drinking" and going to AA" I knew nothing had changed. She showed up on my doorstep, drunk again about two weeks after a Wednesday night race, and I just went along. Funny, I guess she figured if it worked once, why not again.

So the last two months, been waiting for the inevitable to happen, and it did. About a month ago we had a nasty little row, and I stated for the umpteenth time-far too many times-what behaviors on her part would constitute deal breakers. Being stood up was the thing we discussed, something she's done on many occasions.

Sunday night rolls around, leaving her Dad's house, and I'm not feeling real happy because I know she's planning her night of 'fun'. She asks me what's wrong, I tell her a lie. Tells me she'll be over after her shift ends, around 2am. She shows up at 6am, looking lie a deer caught in the headlights because I am up and she wasn't expecting that. Why didn't you come over when you said you would? Her 'girlfriends' Mom had a heart attack and I had to babysit her daughter! They took her to ******Hospital. I know this is bs, I tell her to leave. Immediately.

For my own gratification or whatever, I called the hospital, the nice lady at reception was more than happy to go through the registry, no person in the hospital under that name, anywhere including the ER. I send her the text message, and start to let myself get sucked into the drama, oh, she was never a patient, she died! Quack, quack, quack.

At some point I remember the real boundary issue, she stood me up, then made an excuse, something she'd done many times in the past. I was letting myself get drawn into the extraneous bs, and forgetting the real issue, the boundary.

So I finally called her Tuesday evening, after numerous text messages from her indicated that she wanted to get into the "who did what to whom" nonsense and ignore the boundary thing. So without actually accusing her of anything, I talked about the boundary thing, she tried to make excuses "I didn't want to wake you up" and me patiently explaining that I never put an exception on this particular boundary, and the only excuse I would have accepted, but she never offered, is that she was physically unable to call me.

I feel good about not getting drawn too deeply into this particular made-up drama, the last thing I wrote her via an email was that I felt she was either unwilling or unable to change her behavior and that it was something I would not tolerate, now or ever. And I feel fairly confident that if she shows up drunk on my stoop in the future I can tell her to leave. We all have different bottoms, I believe I've finally found mine.

Okay...I have a confession. Jules just ruined her rep by being a softie and we love it. But I've been a pretty happy little camper here so far. Honestly though, since Tuesday my mood has been in the toilet. I don't want to drink, haven't had any major cravings, nothing I couldn't handle at least but my attitude is rotten and I don't like it. :c001:

I'm getting all twisted up about stupid stuff. I'm becoming one of "those" people. You know the ones: negative things coming out of my mouth, groaning when the phone rings, flipping the bird to bad drivers, feeling "icky" on the inside. I keep trying to laugh it off but inside I'm like WTF? Kathleen. What is wrong with you? I am not like this. Well, we all get in our little moods but this has lasted about 4 days and it's just not like me to be such a crabby b*tch 24/7.

So I was wondering....can we have a seance here or something? To drive out my negative emotions. They surely must be coming from the devil. An exorcism? ;) Seriously I would like some advise. I know it will pass. I know don't drink but what to do in the mean time if anything? Just be patient and ride it out? Or is some way I can head this off at the pass. I don't like being such a grumpy angry person all the time. :wtf2

Hi all.

I didn't see a thread for stories about why we started drinking in the first place, so I thought I'd try to tell my story. I know the melodrama of other people's lives can be much less interesting to the audience than it is to the storyteller, so skim or just skip most of it if you feel like it. This is more for my benefit than anyone else's.

Anyway.

I've always been HIGHLY critical of myself. I've always felt myself to be inferior to most of the people I meet, even though I hide it with an outgoing personality and a somewhat false "everything fine" public face. Even as far back as kindergarten, I can clearly remember how I constantly compared myself to other people and felt insecure. So, from my birth, I was already a strong candidate for problem drinking.

3 things tipped me over the edge:

1.) Playing football was the great love of my life. I played in high school, and I played 3 seasons of semi-pro. It was, and sort of continues to be, a huge part of my identity. Before my 2nd year of semi-pro ball, I worked out harder than I've ever worked out in my life. Between college classes and my part-time job, I spent most of my time either in a gym or on a track. It was the one thing that gave me purpose. I lined up at CB in the season opener, and on the very play, I lost a few steps on my WR and gave up a long TD. I was devastated. It was such a small moment, but I haven't stopped thinking about it for the last 4 years. I poured so much time and effort into being a better football player, and I completely failed my first test. Like I said, it was a small moment, but I can't think of many times where I've felt lower. I was never the same player after that.

2.) In high school, I met a girl named Courtney. She was deeply religious, and I wasn't. Still, we became friends, and eventually I developed some serious feelings for her. To this day (6-7 years later), she's still the only person outside of my family that I've ever truly loved. Because of the differences in our beliefs, and because we never had any real romantic chemistry, we stayed "just friends" for several years. I missed several promising opportunities to meet other women, simply because I was still carrying a torch for this perfect person I was never meant to be with. Eventually, I think I did the right thing. I told her how I felt, and because she didn't feel the same way, I didn't feel like it was fair to keep spending time with her. Like I said, I think it was the right thing to do, but losing that friendship hurt. It left a void, one that I haven't really filled. Later, during college, I actually met a woman who I seemed to truly click with. We talked for 30 minutes, just the two of us, about life, art, spirituality, and all kinds of things. I never followed up on it. It was a cycle that would repeat itself several times. Even though I had said goodbye to my first real love, I still couldn't help comparing all these women to her. So, I basically isolated myself from them.

2.) After college, I took a job that required me to drive co-workers to various locations. I still don't remember what happened, but one day I apparently caused a serious auto accident. (I was totally sober at the time. The one thing I'll say for myself when it comes to my drinking is that I've never caused violence or put anyone in danger while under the influence.) I escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but my co-worker was out of work for weeks. The guilt I felt after that accident is still very, very raw, and it's been one of the main reasons why I continue to drink.

Summary, for anyone who's been skimming:

I binge drink. I don't drink in the mornings, I don't drink on the job, and I've never driven drunk. I do a good job of hiding my problem. I typically come home from work, get completely hammered, and get lost in whatever emotions bubble to the surface. Sometimes it's guilt over a car accident I caused, sometimes it's shame over my failures and shortcomings as a former athlete, sometimes it's regret over possible relationships I never pursued due to my insecurity, and sometimes it's sadness brought on by the fading memory of the one person I've ever truly loved. Regardless of the emotion, it's been all about living in the past. For me, that's the main drive. The future scares me, because I've never believed in myself enough to be able to envision one in which I'm happy and successful. Even painful memories are more comfortable to me than thoughts about the future, because at least I know what my memories hold.

I want to stop living in the past, though. Based on some of the friendships I've made in the last year or two, and the positive reinforcement I've received as a result, I do think I have some good qualities- even if I haven't the slightest clue what they are. I want to find out what I have to offer to the world, and I can't do that as long as I'm a binge drinker.