Archive for the ‘Confusion’ tag
Coming off Hydro
I have been taking hydro for 3 weeks for a broken bone. I am not an addict of narcs but i see the appeal of the stuff. I noticed when I took two pills each day - as directed (directions said up to two each time - Id be out if I had) Id get a lil relaxed - but agitated and snippy. Kind of a weird mixed state.There were ups and downs on this drug - I would get kinda happy then turn crabby in no time... was surprised at that reaction.
If I took three in one day,. I became confused, disoriented, pass out while sitting down, and other weird reactions. There was no way I could or would take three in one day after trying it twice. I hated the passing out and confusion.
My question is: will I have withdrawals now that I am done taking them? Just a ballpark guess??? anyone?
If I took three in one day,. I became confused, disoriented, pass out while sitting down, and other weird reactions. There was no way I could or would take three in one day after trying it twice. I hated the passing out and confusion.
My question is: will I have withdrawals now that I am done taking them? Just a ballpark guess??? anyone?
Two years sober… *checks watch* …right now
Well, I did it. Not sure how I got through this year. It was harder than the first I think. My hospital stay almost derailed everything. I got out and was about to give up. I kept clean and sober though, despite all the sadness, confusion and opportunity. I am visiting my grandma in hospice care this week. I was really hoping 2009 would start right, but it seems to be more of the same :(
I hope I can make it another year. Things haven't improved as much I had hoped 2 years ago, but it's nice to not worry about not having enough beer or wondering where I'd get some pills. I'm not as eratic as I used to be, which is nice. I guess it's been for the best.
For all those people out there wondering if they can dry out or kick the habit, if I can do you can too. It's not too late for you. I was high/drunk for 13 years straight and I did it. You can too!
I hope I can make it another year. Things haven't improved as much I had hoped 2 years ago, but it's nice to not worry about not having enough beer or wondering where I'd get some pills. I'm not as eratic as I used to be, which is nice. I guess it's been for the best.
For all those people out there wondering if they can dry out or kick the habit, if I can do you can too. It's not too late for you. I was high/drunk for 13 years straight and I did it. You can too!
Just puked all over due to stress.
Sigh... puked all over my living room due to stress of my former stepfather, life, confusion and so on... *no it was not alcohol induced* it was anxiety... anyone else have this? Well... bye :(
How I’m starting the new year
I signed up for anger management classes.Yes.....Its true. They are free so there's that but, honestly, I'm afraid because my anger is my armor. I feel like it could be like the bottle for an A. It runs my life, it "protects" me. It "helps" me accomplish tasks. It separates me from the rest of he world. Its MINE!!!!!
I don't know if I want to get rid of it. I do but I don't. It's not healthy but I can't let go of it. It has a hold on me and makes me think it is "good" but it really isn't. It causes me physical and mental pain. See the confusion? I'd like to know what the big deal is. Why am I so torn over this?
Any thoughts or advice? I promise I won't get MAD at you!:angryfire:angryfire
I don't know if I want to get rid of it. I do but I don't. It's not healthy but I can't let go of it. It has a hold on me and makes me think it is "good" but it really isn't. It causes me physical and mental pain. See the confusion? I'd like to know what the big deal is. Why am I so torn over this?
Any thoughts or advice? I promise I won't get MAD at you!:angryfire:angryfire
10 months!
In spite of all the craziness/confusion within these past 24 hours....kept recovery a priority....made it to 10 months (officially)...whew! :)
Why can’t I accept the truth? (it’s long)
I am the lowest I have been in 10 months. I have tried to avoid posting this, but I didn't know what else to do. I am so embarrased.
Last night, I didn't sleep and cried non-stop, like that sick woman I used to be. I power called the hotel where my STBXRAH is staying for a convention so many times, the front desk blocked my number. Sick again.
Of course, I called him this morning and he blamed me - said that I was sick and he was so hurt by how I behaved. That he didn't want that in his life.
What happened to me? How did 10 months of intense therapy and Al-Anon just fly out the window?
(Background: We have been separated for the last two years of our ten year marriage. He abused alcohol the entire marriage and became a nonfunctioning alcoholic when he left me. He left me because I had an affair. A one-night stand one month before he left. I had an affair because I was crazy with confusion, sadness, loneliness - we were always in debt, he was never home, yadda yadda. It was shocking to me that I did it. I didn 't know he was drinking, I thought he just didn't love me anymore. After he left, DUI's, lawyers, detox, relapse. In April, he moved out his mother's rental property and into his mother's place - across the street from his alcoholic brother and family. he filed for divorce.)
He started working the program in June. The divorce proceedings still continued. But as he and I worked the steps, we grew closer. Still, he insisted on the divorce. After the mediation, where he was awarded enough money to leave his mother's, he became so loving and I ate it like manna from heaven. At the same time, I resented the fact that I had to pay him equity from the house I gew up in and gifted 1/2 to him when we married. he comes from an extremely wealthy family and needs nothing.
He has worked steps 1-7. I've worked them through and revisit daily. Finally achieving peace. Feeling less for him, seeig him for what he was. On the day of the divorce decree (Nov 13), he canceled unexpectedly. I thought it was becuase he had second thoughts. He said it was because he wanted to add an addendum to the agreement.
Well, we spent thanksgiving w/e together in Disney with the kids. [He had also decided to spend new year's eve with me (he left me on new year's eve, so the date is significant), although initially he was oing to Texas to be with his brother on NYE. I did get upset, saying that it wasn't a very good sign of commitment and he changed the date]
It was amazing. We spent 4 days with the kids. It wasn't like old times. It was like new times. Like a new life was starting. he was so healthy and good with me and i with him.
Last night, I called him at the hotel to say goodnight. I raised an issue that had been bothering me, but I felt ok with him to discuss. I told him that my parents were very upset with me (as his mother with him) about the trip. My father called me a fool actually. Said that I was paying him $36,000, giving him all of the good and no responsibility. So I shared this, as he had shared the fight he'd had with his mother about the trip.
Well, this was the answer:
I do love you. I am in love with you. But I am divorcing you. I want closure on this marriage. It is too much weight and hurt for me. I want to see if we can work it out after the divorce.
Well, I went CRAZY. JUST CRAZY. For 2 hours, I called every 5 minutes, crying and yelling. saying the same stuff I had said months and years before. "Why don't you want to come home? Why can't you forgive me? Why do you need to get divorced?" etc. He became verbally abusive atfer 1 hour. "You're a dumb b$%$. I don't want you. Get away from me."
Then the hotel blocked my number.
I am devastated. I cannot believe I fell from all the strength I had gained. I cannot believe I am so weak. I cannot believe I still think that he really won't divorce me or that we can divorce and work it out.
I am a mess. Like day 1. A f%$#^ing mess. And I am so sorry. I really am.
Last night, I didn't sleep and cried non-stop, like that sick woman I used to be. I power called the hotel where my STBXRAH is staying for a convention so many times, the front desk blocked my number. Sick again.
Of course, I called him this morning and he blamed me - said that I was sick and he was so hurt by how I behaved. That he didn't want that in his life.
What happened to me? How did 10 months of intense therapy and Al-Anon just fly out the window?
(Background: We have been separated for the last two years of our ten year marriage. He abused alcohol the entire marriage and became a nonfunctioning alcoholic when he left me. He left me because I had an affair. A one-night stand one month before he left. I had an affair because I was crazy with confusion, sadness, loneliness - we were always in debt, he was never home, yadda yadda. It was shocking to me that I did it. I didn 't know he was drinking, I thought he just didn't love me anymore. After he left, DUI's, lawyers, detox, relapse. In April, he moved out his mother's rental property and into his mother's place - across the street from his alcoholic brother and family. he filed for divorce.)
He started working the program in June. The divorce proceedings still continued. But as he and I worked the steps, we grew closer. Still, he insisted on the divorce. After the mediation, where he was awarded enough money to leave his mother's, he became so loving and I ate it like manna from heaven. At the same time, I resented the fact that I had to pay him equity from the house I gew up in and gifted 1/2 to him when we married. he comes from an extremely wealthy family and needs nothing.
He has worked steps 1-7. I've worked them through and revisit daily. Finally achieving peace. Feeling less for him, seeig him for what he was. On the day of the divorce decree (Nov 13), he canceled unexpectedly. I thought it was becuase he had second thoughts. He said it was because he wanted to add an addendum to the agreement.
Well, we spent thanksgiving w/e together in Disney with the kids. [He had also decided to spend new year's eve with me (he left me on new year's eve, so the date is significant), although initially he was oing to Texas to be with his brother on NYE. I did get upset, saying that it wasn't a very good sign of commitment and he changed the date]
It was amazing. We spent 4 days with the kids. It wasn't like old times. It was like new times. Like a new life was starting. he was so healthy and good with me and i with him.
Last night, I called him at the hotel to say goodnight. I raised an issue that had been bothering me, but I felt ok with him to discuss. I told him that my parents were very upset with me (as his mother with him) about the trip. My father called me a fool actually. Said that I was paying him $36,000, giving him all of the good and no responsibility. So I shared this, as he had shared the fight he'd had with his mother about the trip.
Well, this was the answer:
I do love you. I am in love with you. But I am divorcing you. I want closure on this marriage. It is too much weight and hurt for me. I want to see if we can work it out after the divorce.
Well, I went CRAZY. JUST CRAZY. For 2 hours, I called every 5 minutes, crying and yelling. saying the same stuff I had said months and years before. "Why don't you want to come home? Why can't you forgive me? Why do you need to get divorced?" etc. He became verbally abusive atfer 1 hour. "You're a dumb b$%$. I don't want you. Get away from me."
Then the hotel blocked my number.
I am devastated. I cannot believe I fell from all the strength I had gained. I cannot believe I am so weak. I cannot believe I still think that he really won't divorce me or that we can divorce and work it out.
I am a mess. Like day 1. A f%$#^ing mess. And I am so sorry. I really am.
One day at a time, please!
Hi Family,
I was all stressed out today about my bills. About a third of my income is generated by contract overtime work, which I now have to line up, a gig at a time. My regular gig, which met most of my overtime needs recently dried up. The federal funds to staff it are discontinued.
So I had to find some new gigs. This really freaked me out, because I like to know where my money is coming from well ahead of time, and now I can't know. I have to work it out by making calls, monitoring the e-mails, and talking to people about available gigs (I have a hard time with talking with folks).
This was stressing me out today, but I did say my morning Serenity prayer anyway. And midway through the day some work friends called and offered me more than enough overtime hours for the next week. That was a blessing, but I didn't let it make me feel all the way better, because I was thinking "What about the week after that? What if there isn't any overtime for that next week, or the one after?"
In the midst of that mental stress and confusion, I went to a meeting, Serenity at Seven, a good title for my state of mind, I thought. The speaker was a real peaceful dude who used to be a hippy and has been clean for about 22 years. He spoke at length about God meeting our needs, turning problems that we have no control over to God, praying, and letting go. It was just what I needed to hear.
I exhaled after the last prayer of the meeting when I was standing in the circle, and all the stress just left my body. Amazing. The dude came up and asked if I had a good Thanksgiving. I began to whine "I wasn't off. I had to work.." He said quietly "Did you get high? No? Did you get enough to eat? You did? Well you had a good day then, didn't you?" Kind of brought it all back into perspective for me.
I'll keep coming back.:candle6D:
Just for today, working on gratitude,
KJ
I was all stressed out today about my bills. About a third of my income is generated by contract overtime work, which I now have to line up, a gig at a time. My regular gig, which met most of my overtime needs recently dried up. The federal funds to staff it are discontinued.
So I had to find some new gigs. This really freaked me out, because I like to know where my money is coming from well ahead of time, and now I can't know. I have to work it out by making calls, monitoring the e-mails, and talking to people about available gigs (I have a hard time with talking with folks).
This was stressing me out today, but I did say my morning Serenity prayer anyway. And midway through the day some work friends called and offered me more than enough overtime hours for the next week. That was a blessing, but I didn't let it make me feel all the way better, because I was thinking "What about the week after that? What if there isn't any overtime for that next week, or the one after?"
In the midst of that mental stress and confusion, I went to a meeting, Serenity at Seven, a good title for my state of mind, I thought. The speaker was a real peaceful dude who used to be a hippy and has been clean for about 22 years. He spoke at length about God meeting our needs, turning problems that we have no control over to God, praying, and letting go. It was just what I needed to hear.
I exhaled after the last prayer of the meeting when I was standing in the circle, and all the stress just left my body. Amazing. The dude came up and asked if I had a good Thanksgiving. I began to whine "I wasn't off. I had to work.." He said quietly "Did you get high? No? Did you get enough to eat? You did? Well you had a good day then, didn't you?" Kind of brought it all back into perspective for me.
I'll keep coming back.:candle6D:
Just for today, working on gratitude,
KJ
What’s in this for me?
As I have turned the focus more on me, and am working hard to learn about myself, I asked the hard question, "What am I getting out of this?" I know that people don't just continue the same painful behavior unless they are getting something from it.
Once again the book "How Did I Get Here?" by Barbara DeAngelis helped answer this. It's not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I think it was right on target.
1. Attention..........If we remain confused for long enough we get to be a martyr.
2. Advice.........Our daily routine becomes asking the people around us for their opinion about what we should do.........Constantly asking for advice to help us with our confusion is a way to remain a child and avoid growing up.
3. Addictions.........Staying confused is a great way to stay addicted.
4. Avoidance........This is the biggest negative payoff of confusion......Preoccupied with being confused, we get to avoid whatever it is that we don't want to face.
We avoid the truth.
We avoid change.
We avoid facing our fears,
We avoid disappointing people we love.
We avoid taking risks.
We avoid confrontation with others.
We avoid reality.
We avoid leaping off the cliff.
It's a good thing today was a holiday because I wouldn't have gotten a thing done at work! Awesome book.........tomorrow I'll finish it up and get to the part that talks about changing these patterns.
Once again the book "How Did I Get Here?" by Barbara DeAngelis helped answer this. It's not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I think it was right on target.
1. Attention..........If we remain confused for long enough we get to be a martyr.
2. Advice.........Our daily routine becomes asking the people around us for their opinion about what we should do.........Constantly asking for advice to help us with our confusion is a way to remain a child and avoid growing up.
3. Addictions.........Staying confused is a great way to stay addicted.
4. Avoidance........This is the biggest negative payoff of confusion......Preoccupied with being confused, we get to avoid whatever it is that we don't want to face.
We avoid the truth.
We avoid change.
We avoid facing our fears,
We avoid disappointing people we love.
We avoid taking risks.
We avoid confrontation with others.
We avoid reality.
We avoid leaping off the cliff.
It's a good thing today was a holiday because I wouldn't have gotten a thing done at work! Awesome book.........tomorrow I'll finish it up and get to the part that talks about changing these patterns.
I feel trapped (This is a whiney post, so be warned…)
I don’t like doing this but I felt like I had to put my whininess out here. I would have put it in Whiners Anonymous, but it’s a little too long (besides, I like using WA for more humorous complaints).
It’s not exactly a bad day, but not good, either. I'm starting to get that pseudo-panicky feeling (I’m not quite sure how to describe it)...like I just need to get far away from everyone (myself included). I drank a fair amount last night and want more tonight, but I'm not leaving the house to get any.
I'm not where I need to be in life. I do not know how to get to where I want to go. Organizational skills would help but I seem to be lacking in that department. I'm getting too old for this crap. I'm supposed to be a self-sufficient person. I hate depending upon people. I'm not even living on my own right now. When I was on my own, I was living in a crappy apartment making it paycheck to paycheck and wasting my "disposable income" on tons of booze.
I've never had a good job my entire working career. I have a degree and I flip burgers for a living. I am stuck working a low wage job with no hopes for better employment. As much as I told myself that I was not going to let it bother me this time around, I don’t know how to do that. All I’m doing right now is dreading tomorrow in that negative workplace. I deserve so much better than what I do now. I just need someone in this crappy town to give me a freakin’ chance. I am a great worker plus I can think for myself. I do not need to be micromanaged and I am dependable.
I am lonely. I am starved for face to face adult conversation. I do not know how to take charge of my “happiness level”. I cannot “think it and be it”. I cannot “fake it until I make it”. With each day that passes I feel like I know less and that means confusion galore. Nothing makes any sense to me--add that onto the fact that I’ve always felt out of place. I’m so tired of not knowing what I should do, of not knowing what will work for me.
This makes me so mad. I was creating art work again. I was getting excited about it. I haven’t done anything with it today because the motivation is simply not there. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just produce? The desire is there, but I don’t know how to get back what it is that I lost. I feel like there’s a part of me that’s a little dead inside.
It’s not exactly a bad day, but not good, either. I'm starting to get that pseudo-panicky feeling (I’m not quite sure how to describe it)...like I just need to get far away from everyone (myself included). I drank a fair amount last night and want more tonight, but I'm not leaving the house to get any.
I'm not where I need to be in life. I do not know how to get to where I want to go. Organizational skills would help but I seem to be lacking in that department. I'm getting too old for this crap. I'm supposed to be a self-sufficient person. I hate depending upon people. I'm not even living on my own right now. When I was on my own, I was living in a crappy apartment making it paycheck to paycheck and wasting my "disposable income" on tons of booze.
I've never had a good job my entire working career. I have a degree and I flip burgers for a living. I am stuck working a low wage job with no hopes for better employment. As much as I told myself that I was not going to let it bother me this time around, I don’t know how to do that. All I’m doing right now is dreading tomorrow in that negative workplace. I deserve so much better than what I do now. I just need someone in this crappy town to give me a freakin’ chance. I am a great worker plus I can think for myself. I do not need to be micromanaged and I am dependable.
I am lonely. I am starved for face to face adult conversation. I do not know how to take charge of my “happiness level”. I cannot “think it and be it”. I cannot “fake it until I make it”. With each day that passes I feel like I know less and that means confusion galore. Nothing makes any sense to me--add that onto the fact that I’ve always felt out of place. I’m so tired of not knowing what I should do, of not knowing what will work for me.
This makes me so mad. I was creating art work again. I was getting excited about it. I haven’t done anything with it today because the motivation is simply not there. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just produce? The desire is there, but I don’t know how to get back what it is that I lost. I feel like there’s a part of me that’s a little dead inside.
speaking of sponsors
i have a great sponsor, she is a loving kind woman. i know the steps have worked for her and she works the program.
but her mother is in the hospital, and we havent been talking on the regular days (in about 2 weeks). i emailed her and she is going to send me step 3 but ifeel like i need constant supervision and support.
im going through withdrawls from my ex, this is the longest weve never talked, and im trying to exstinguish my obsession and work on myself but man between recovery, grad school, work, band, counseling, trying to find a job, network, etc. etc. i am exhausted to work on myself. when im happy i dont want to bring myself down and when im sad (which is more of the case) im too tired and emotionally worn, stressed, stuck sad etc. i need help and support. i have more confusion than faith, and more regrets, guilt, and nostalgia than i have serenity, peace, hope.
i dont want to bother her during this difficult time, but its a really difficult time for me too (albeit not comparable to what shes going through, but this is my life and my feelings). i feel like i might need a sponsor who lives near me and can be more available...
its hard though because her son and daughter in law are my best friends and i dont want things to be weird, or hurt her feelings.
i dont know how to tell her i might need more attention etc.
do you think i should stick it out, or what, or how to talk about it????
but her mother is in the hospital, and we havent been talking on the regular days (in about 2 weeks). i emailed her and she is going to send me step 3 but ifeel like i need constant supervision and support.
im going through withdrawls from my ex, this is the longest weve never talked, and im trying to exstinguish my obsession and work on myself but man between recovery, grad school, work, band, counseling, trying to find a job, network, etc. etc. i am exhausted to work on myself. when im happy i dont want to bring myself down and when im sad (which is more of the case) im too tired and emotionally worn, stressed, stuck sad etc. i need help and support. i have more confusion than faith, and more regrets, guilt, and nostalgia than i have serenity, peace, hope.
i dont want to bother her during this difficult time, but its a really difficult time for me too (albeit not comparable to what shes going through, but this is my life and my feelings). i feel like i might need a sponsor who lives near me and can be more available...
its hard though because her son and daughter in law are my best friends and i dont want things to be weird, or hurt her feelings.
i dont know how to tell her i might need more attention etc.
do you think i should stick it out, or what, or how to talk about it????
