Drug Rehab Options Blog

I have drafted the following letter to my EXAGF as an attempt to have her see what her addiction has done and is doing to her. I have no illusions that this will have any impact but I feel I must
1) acknowledge her addiction and
2) confront her on it.
I think this will give me the ability to move forward a bit.

As a note We never had this conversation. I can only think of two times when it "came up" and it was only discussed for minutes and brushed under the rug and we moved on. However, when it was "over" it ended real quick with little conversation, all that was ever said was we don't fit and its over.

I have a previous post which has more background so I will not post again. "Contact with my EXAGF" (will not let me post the link)

Is sending this letter even a good idea?

I've thought about sending a copy to her mother as well. Thoughts?

What do you think of the letter itself? I tried to put the "ball in her court" because it is and detach but... The "Ted" i refer to in the letter is a HS EXABF who last spring killed someone in a car accident while high and is waiting to go to prison (trial any day now and open and closed case sorry I know inocent until proven). "Ted" has been an addict since HS and has been in and out of rehab (never in recovery mode). Even after he killed someone he was arrested again for selling Vicos. So I guess I looking for shock factor.

All thoughts, feelings etc are welcome (be harsh its okay).
Thanks - Life
___________________________________________

Hey You & ?You?,
I hope your holidays were good and new years went well. I?m writing for one reason and one reason only, and that reason is ?YOU?. I know you?re thinking this is going to be some impassioned plea for you to return to my life but surprise, it?s not.

I am writing because we have never had a conversation (a real conversation) about this subject. I never had the courage to address this with you and even if I did it probably would have brought an end to our relationship even sooner. You can deny your problem, call me names, and hate me if you want, but save your energy you?re going to need it. Know I?m writing out of LOVE, RESPECT, and HOPE for YOU, from my heart. I would be half the man I am if I did not this write letter. As a father I hope someone would do this for "Life's Son" if he were in trouble.

I know the reason you ended this relationship was because of a disease called addiction. I?m not sure if this was your intended outcome or if I was merely a casualty but never the less what happened, happened. I believe at the beginning of our relationship you where a recreational user of pills and coke. I also think this has been a battle you have been wagging for some time. When you met ?the most special man to ever touch your life? you either stopped using or cut back quite a bit. This was proven by statements from your mother like ?Life, I have to say thank you for treating EXAGF so well, I have not seen her this happy in some time now.? Maybe it wasn?t me that was making you happy but being clean(er) was, but you where happy and could smile. You showed me how wonderful and loving a person EXAGF IS. As time went by you began to use more often all the while hiding this growing problem from me and becoming unhappy. Once you could no longer hide your habit from me the ?obstacle? to your ?happiness? needed to go. You gave up so much, so easily, for so little in return. Instead of throwing me out of your life you could have asked me for help. True love does not give up!! Sometimes all it takes is a little push and support from a loved one. You could have seen the meaning of true love which by the way equals true happiness!

It saddens me when such a beautiful person falls off track and is too proud to ask for help. This is not High School anymore; this is the real world with real consequences, just ask Ted what these substances have done to him. While you?re at it ask him what they have done for him. I can?t make you get help or snap my fingers and make your addiction go away, you have to want a better life for yourself and for the people who love you. Don?t think for a second that this disease is only affecting you because it is not, it is affecting every aspect of your life (friends, family, colleagues, clients; past, present and future). I guess the question you have to ask yourself ?Is this the life I want for myself?? Without HOPE and FAITH what do we have? When I meet you, you had a HOPE and FAITH wrist band maybe it?s time to dust it off?

True happiness is not found at the bottom of a bottle or in a little white powder. You have nothing to be ashamed of, this disease kills thousands and effects millions. It?s how we respond to the adversity that will define our lives. I?ve told you before and I will tell you again, that THE MOST SPECIAL MAN TO EVER TOUCH YOUR LIFE is NOT done touching your life. I pray for you on a daily basis and will continue to do so. If this is the only way I can ?touch? your life that?s okay. But know I am your biggest cheerleader and supporter for your recovery and the future that awaits you. If you need to call upon your biggest cheerleader; today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, because you?re ready to HELP YOURSELF but need support I will be here. I do not have all the answers but do know there is a better way! You were meant to live for so much more!

No Matter How Spoiled our Past May Be, our Future is Spotless!

With all that is good in this world &
all the Love in my Heart,

"Life"

My question(s) is simple...
1) How much contact should I have with my EXAGF?
2) Should contact come from her?
3) Should I just keep my distance or be a presence in her life?

My situation is more complicated:
I'm 10 years older then she is (30s and 20s yrs old)....

She has experimented (struggled) with drugs (addictions) since HS....

When we started going out I knew she smoked Marijuana....

She experienced a back injury and received Pain Meds....

As the injury healed I sensed she was still using the Pain Meds occasionally for Rec. purposes but never "taken" in front of me (not saying she was never stoned in front of me)....

As relationships go some of her behavior began to raise red flags which got me thinking there was something/someone else....

Through simple exploration and observation I discovered the bigger problem....

We (I guess "I") were able to move past this and things were very good....

Then one day "This relationship has progressed to fast and we need a break"....

Since this day (in July) contact has almost always been initiated by me and I know through contact with her and through mutual friends that she is spiraling out of control. Her usage has increased and the distance between us is extreme. Basically no contact, she will not return phone calls or e-mails....

At this point I don't know what I should do. I care about her deeply and want/need her to know that if/when she wants help I can be called upon. How do I let her know this? Do I let her know this? I've thought about writing her a letter or talking with her mom or sister-in-law but have been unable to decide if this is wise or not. I know that "recovery" must start with her and she must want to help herself, but can a person be nudged (pushed) into seeing what they are doing to them self? It's tearing me up to feel so helpless and after joining SR today I realize that I must help myself before I could even think of being there for her (I'm Codependent). So again....

My question(s) is simple...
1) How much contact should I have with my EXAGF?
2) Should contact come from her?
3) Should I just keep my distance or be a presence in her life?
4) (Added one) What should my roll in her recovery be?
5) (Added another) What should I do to help myself?

I?m new here today and VERY happy I found SR just wish I found it a while ago.

Hopeful with a Big Heart!

I had a week of vacation, Thur. last week through Wed. this week. Alot has happened, I still have a long way to go though.

Thursday nite I drove w/fellow Nar-Anon members to attempt to recover one of my two cars from AS. Car was not in the parking lot of apt. he was staying at. After discussing options w/my group members, I decided to go knock on the door of the apt. My AS was there and said a friend had the car. I made arrangements to meet him Friday at a grocery store stating I needed the car back at that time.

AS did not show on Friday. One of my group members was there and I had a police officer standing by to "keep the peace." (I really thought he would show w/money to pay the title loan owing and beg me to keep the car another 30 days til next payment was due.)

I went home and called the police to report my 2nd car stolen from my apt. parking lot by my son. A man had called woman AS was staying with to ask about getting the title to 2nd car as he claims to have bought it. I was able to give police that man's name & phone number. Police talked to him, explained situation and he delivered car to police. (Car is in my name and I have a loan on it, so couldn't sell it without paying off loan.)

Saturday I learned my AS sold 1st car as well (the one w/the temporary title loan.) A different guy was calling woman AS was staying with looking for that title. I turned that over to police, they talked w/him and he delivered car to police. I have surrendered both cars - one to title loan company on Monday and other one to regular bank today.

Saturday my AS was arrested on unrelated outstanding warrant (Financial Card Fraud) he had inital hearing Monday morning and was released. Has a court date at the end of January. AS did not attempt to contact me at all to bail him out. I did pick up phone call from him today (I know, I know . . . I shouldn't have . . .) I gave him a new toothbrush that I had in my desk drawer and a $10 bus pass (I know I shouldn't even have done that.) You're all thinking how stupid is this woman?!?! After telling of car issues and then I even think of taking his call and then giving him a bus pass. I pray he'll use it to get to the Gospel Mission or MN Teen Challenge or wherever to get help & a place to stay. If not, I'm no longer responsible. I've given all the help I can and don't want to give any more. He has to help himself to have any sort of relationship with me. I am repeating "Thy Will Be Done" because I can't control it, I can only control me from here on out.

My goals are:

• Give AS NO money
• Get a hard nosed Sponsor
  • Pay off Pay Day loans
  • Buy pants that fit
  • Get a hard nosed therapist

Not necessarily in that order!

Take it easy and thanks for listening!
Joan

For the first time in years.

I need to "journal" this all out, that phone call and the subsequent phone call "stirred my pot" hugely, I am hoping that I will get some clarity by "journaling with feedback"

As many of you know, I had moved up to "rescue" my family 3 years ago Thanksgiving, and I left maybe 5 months ago, maybe four, not really sure.

The reason I had to "rescue" my family is my sister had an infant and refused to work, leaving my mother to work 100 hour work weeks. long story, blah blah blah much of it is documented here.

My sister is an ex junkie and now a practicing addict on opoids (Dr. prescribed thank you very much med system). She views everyone in the world as how they can add to her life and what she can get from them. She does it so unconsciously as to be nearly unnoticeable. It's just a given "what can I get from this person" is hard wired into who she is.

When I left my "family" and "run away from home" I swore to her that I never wanted to talk to her or any of them ever again, she broke down and sobbing begged me not to "disappear" so I have maintained contact with my sister, but no one else.

I had left some tools there (forgot them) and have been asking her to pick them up and take them to work so I could pick them up for the last few months so I could avoid going to the family property, she has "forgotten" for two months, I eventually did the job I needed those tools for and don't really need them any more, although they are mine, and I "need to get them".

I wasn't really that attached to her picking them up, but under no circumstances was I going to set foot on the family property.

I have called her a number of times in the last few months, twice to ask her about the tools, the other times to see how she was doing and ask about my niece (4 years old), I recently noticed that she never called me, I was the only one that ever called.

I called her from Boston the other day, she sounded great, we had a great conversation, she sounds like she is doing well, she has her eye on a new job, Mom just bought her a new car, my niece is doing great, in the conversation she brought up my tools, and I said yeah, if she could grab them I'd pick them up.

So this morning she knows I am driving up the coast, she calls me, talks for awhile, asks me how I am doing, mentions she is going to pick up my tools so she will have them today, and will I want them today...I am surprised that she called and pleasantly surprised she is concerned for me and doing something for me.

She then asks me about my House generator, we didn't have electricity on the property, everything was solar powered or by "house generators", then she asks me if she could have mine as hers is smoking and about to die.

First I tell her I don't have access to it because it is stored at a friends house, then I relent and say if she drives to meet me (changes a five hour drive into a 3.5 hour drive for me one way) I will pick up my generator and give it to her.

I have no use for it right now, it will be handy during power outages but is by no means a daily necessity for me as it is for her.

After I hung up the phone I was talking to "R" and started to realize I was getting angry, I began to feel manipulated and I realized she had called me for the first time in years and it was the same old story, she needed something, that when I needed my tools 2 months ago she couldn't drive 2 blocks to pick them up, but now she needs something she is suddenly making an effort to not only grab my tools, but to make contact with me.

There is also "other stuff" going on here, my sister is a single mother, the father is in Mexico, and my nickname is "Uncledaddy" for my niece, my "job" was to be the stable male father figure for my niece. As R and I talked she started asking me questions about my niece then asked me who did Bella (niece) have in her life that was a stable male figure.

I got profoundly disturbed, and realized I had started taking distance from my niece about two years ago when I realized that she was my sister's "dream tool" for manipulating me and others, as a matter of fact, that was "the hook" they used to get me to come run the family business, "If you don't come save us, the baby will starve" and my sister used her frequently and even joked about it, during one fight I told my sister she was a "***** without the benefits" because quite frankly that's what she is and how she treats others.

I really like her, she's funny, fun to be around, smart, but she is so geared like a junkie and "what can I get from this situation and this person" is so much a part of who she is I decided I couldn't be around her.

So right now, I am very very deeply disturbed, and I actually had to ask to hang up the phone with R because I was getting so "stirred up" by what had just taken place with my sister, I was beginning to get very angry and feel manipulated by my sister, then when R asked me who was my nieces "father figure" my bile rose up and I started saying "that's my job that's my job that's my job" and getting deeply and profoundly disturbed and upset.

Anyhow, I am going to hit "submit new thread" and reread all of this, I have until 1:30 to make a decision about the generator, and need to do some very thorough "work" around my "family of origin" issues that I had been putting off until my deep and festering resentment had a chance to die down.

If you made it this far, thank you for "listening" and if you just skipped to the end, thank you as well I don't blame you a bit.

I know there is a step that says something like you should make amends for all the wrongs you have done to other people in your life.

How far do you have to take this, for example if i maxed out credit cards 10 years ago and never paid them back does this mean i have to contact them? Also if i had a job 10 years ago and did not try as hard as i could should i get hold of the manager i worked for and apologise for the hardship i put him through through my lack of effort etc.

This is a real bug for me and has always put me off doing the steps, maybe i don't understand this.

If the step is for my won benefit as well to get rid of all the bad vibes i have from wrongs i have done in the past then i can contact a lot of people and more than likely open a few can of worms which will not make my life and better apart from potentially spiritually, how far do i have to go?

Please don't post only i can answer this because if it was up to me i would contact everyone that i had ever harmed or looked at ther wrong way and make amends or to the level of amends they would accept, im really confused...

Two days ago, after my brother drank again, I and his friend took him to the doctor. I then told my bro I had to take a step back from his situation, because I couldn't help him and it was driving me crazy trying.

Yesterday, my brother's friend called my mom with an update to let her know he had a psych appointment and was doing okay. This morning I had an email from my brother letting me know he's sober and planning to see the psych again (though the next appointment isn't until Jan. 4); he is hopeful this will help.

While I am greatly relieved that my brother is sober - for now - and taking steps to stay that way, I don't feel ready to resume contact with him. It's fine when he emails to say he's doing okay ... but then if I DON'T hear from him, I'm swept up in anxiety again. I responded to his email that I was glad he is doing okay, hoped he was staying in contact with his sponsor, and that I love him very much.

I know I am not in a good place emotionally to be able to be in touch with him; I feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown. But I also don't want to a) make him feel I've abandoned him when he's trying to get better; and/or b) make him feel guilty or even more depressed because of my emotional state.

Advice?

Hi,
I have recently asked my ABF to leave my house. He was sober for about 3 months and then he relapsed and has been drinking and going to meetings for about a month. Long story short, he crashed my car when he was drunk and has no money to pay for it.
Now that I have asked him to leave, I notice that I still want to check up on him. I have these desires to call his Mom's house and see how he is doing and at times, I think of trying to "move on" and get over all that has happened between us.
My question is, what things do people do to help themselves detach from someone else? I understand the idea of no contact, but we have a child and I would like for her to see him at least weekly. Can anyone share their experiences detaching and maybe where they made mistakes or any advice about what has worked.
Thanks for being here. :)
Susan

I would like to know how ya'll deal with your A's family?

My AH is close with his family whenever we argue. I do not know what lies he has told his family, but because of my covering for him, they don't know that he has a problem. I do know that he has told his family that he wants a divorce, and I know that they are avoiding me. Should I attempt to contact his family and correct the lies that he has told them? Should I rise above and let them think the worst of me? Should I be the one to let them know that he has a drinking problem?

Please share your experiences.

I'm in a relationship with a guy who is also a recovering alcoholic. My family have always been distant from me, long before the drinking started so the only family member i stay in contact with is my brother, and that isn't great.
My fella however has a daughter and is best friends with his ex wife and is also close to his family. I haven't got any friends. I'm jealous of his ex, but try to keep this hidden. I just feel very lost in this world but feel I am doing my best. My boyfriend says he's madly in love with me but i just don't know what i think or feel any more. I feel numb. I wanted to connect with this site and see how others feel in relationships and in life in early recovery.

My ex was released from jail yesterday, on bail. He called and wanted to see his son. I let him. Our son was stoked. This morning I explained to our son that ?daddy comes and goes, but mommy will always be here for you.?

He mentioned being in jail in front of his son. His son?s eyes got big as saucers and he said ?you were in JAIL???? The kid is too smart. I just told him, before his dad could answer, ?Yes, your daddy made some really bad choices and he had to go to jail. Hopefully he makes good choices now.?

To be honest, I see no change in him, and doubt he will stay clean for long. He is not going to attend any treatment program. He refuses to attend meetings. He is starting to make contact with his old party scene friends. He is so very cocky and acts a lot like a three year old himself. I?m so very sad for him. It's just a matter of time. And he knows it. There is no commitment to remaining clean and sober in his heart. He doesn't seem to care.

He will be gone again soon. And that is fine with me. He is supposed to be getting some govt assistance and food stamps so I am really hoping he gives the food stamps to me. That way I can spend our food money on Christmas presents.

I feel sufficiently detached and I am just going to deal with the situation on a day by day basis. Like I said. He will be back in jail soon. I am sure of it.

I wish my son didn?t know about jail. I wanted my son to have a life that is as ?normal? as possible. And that is not normal. I hope he doesn?t tell the teachers at preschool.