Drug Rehab Options Blog

Note: i did not write this. It came to my email today from a website called the Daily Om, written by Scott Blum. I share it because I like it. Hope you do, too. Happy New Year!

"I was fortunate to spend time with an enigmatic man named Robert during a very special period of my life. Robert taught me many things during our days together, and this time of year reminds me of one particular interaction we had.

"Now that you are becoming more aware," Robert said, "you need to begin to set goals for yourself so you don't lose the momentum you have built."

"Like New Year's resolutions?" I asked.

"That's an interesting idea," he smirked. "Let's do that."

By then I was used to his cryptic responses, so I knew something was up because of the way his eyes sparkled as he let out an impish laugh.

"Tonight's assignment is to make two lists," Robert continued. "The first is a list of all the New Year's resolutions you WANT to keep, and the second is a list of all the New Year's resolutions you WILL keep. Write the WANT List first, and when you have exhausted all of your ideas, then write the second list on another sheet of paper."

That night I went home and spent several hours working on the two lists. The WANT List felt overwhelming at first, but after a while I got into writing all the things I had always wanted to do if the burdens of life hadn't gotten in the way. After nearly an hour, the list swelled to fill the entire page and contained nearly all of my ideas of an ideal life. The second list was much easier, and I was able to quickly commit ten practical resolutions that I felt would be both realistic and helpful.

The next day, I met Robert in front of the local food Co-op, where we seemed to have most of our enlightening conversations. "Tell me about your two lists," Robert said as the familiar smirk crept onto his face.

"The first list contains all the things I SHOULD do if I completely changed my life to be the person I always wanted to be. And the second list contains all the things I COULD do by accepting my current life, and taking realistic steps towards the life I want to lead."

"Let me see the second list," he said.

I handed him the second list, and without even looking at it, he ripped the paper into tiny pieces and threw it in the nearby garbage can. His disregard for the effort I had put into the list annoyed me at first, but after I calmed down I began to think about the first list in a different light. In my heart, I knew the second list was a cop out, and the first list was the only one that really mattered.

"And now, the first list." Robert bowed his head and held out both of his hands.

I purposefully handed him the first list and held his gaze for several seconds, waiting for him to begin reading the page. After an unusually long silence, he began to crumple the paper into a ball and once again tossed it into the can without looking at it.

"What did you do that for?!" I couldn't hide my anger any longer.

Robert began to speak in a quiet and assured voice. "What you SHOULD or COULD do with your life no longer matters. The only thing that matters, from this day forward, is what you MUST do."

He then drew a folded piece of paper from his back pocket and handed it to me.

I opened it carefully, and found a single word floating in the middle of the white page:

"Love."

Hello too all..this forum has helped me SOOOO much! So thankful i found you guys. I have lived with an alcholic..weed addicted..porn addicted boyfriend for the past four years!! His many addictions i would take so personal..it was chocking the life out of me!! I have been chocked by him when he was angry with me..this was during a few months sobriety..he was just as horrible when not drinking!!! No..i would say..WORSE!!! My daughter and son lived with us as well as his daughter on the weekends. I met him when i was32...he was 41! i wanted to help him quit drinking so desperatly..he had a problem with alchol since the age of 13..i didnt realize how much alchol had a strong hold on him!! I thought i was strong enough..i can help fix him!!! How blind and foolish can you get! So..with encouragement from me..he made an attempt to quit..for about 8 months..but oohh the anger and rage..it broke my heart..and the kids as well.(my daughter was 6..my son13, his daughter 11). His addiction to porn was horrible during this time..always leering at women..making sexual comments..couldnt focus during conversations if an attractive woman passed by..would practially veer off the road just too stare..would send me out to the store or on an errand so that he could be alone with the internet..I tried to tell myself lets get passed the alchol addiction first..it tore at my self esteem..made me feel invisable..was so hard. His family said i was the best think to happen to him..they felt like with me by his side he would be ready to give up the alchol addiction. He never attempted to lay it aside at any other time they could remembereven though thats what they had prayed and longed for..HIS SOBRIETY!!! When angry he would say..how can you complain..look what ive given up for YOU!!!! I realize it has too truley be what he wants for himself!! Im sure he will see that one day..it really cant be us wanting it for them..not with any addiction! anyways..i would take a shower in the morning and walk into the room to him masterbating..taking care of his own business i guess..and was so caught up in porn..he couldnt keep an erection without it!!! I was attractive..all his friends commented about how lucky he was too have me in his life..i enjoyed sex..and wasnt being satisfied by him due to his porn addiction. He would want me too watch it with him..i just couldnt do it! Didnt enjoy it because i already know the affect and hold it had on him!! He was much more satisfied with the high from porn than real contact with a real woman!! I was so foolish to have stayed so long in misery..but i was so in love with his mom and dad who cared for me and showered me with love and kindness like i had never known..and i came to love his daughter as my own!! aND she felt the same toward me. He had 3 failed marriages due to alchol...so its no suprise we ended up not making it..He replaced alchol with weed after the eight months sobriety...and i knew it wouldnt be long before alchol became a part of the picture again! One night i tried to talk to him about the porn and weed..told him i cant live this way..was causing me too much hurt to live this way..he became angry..came towards me..and punched me in the face! I FELT blood run down my face..our daughters stepped in the room..they looked so afraid...i was in shock that he would do something so horrible. But now i look back..it was bound to happen sooner or later. It started out with pushing me around..then holding me against the wall..chocking me several times...now why should this be any different!!! I left him within a few days..i let his daughter know i was leaving..left his mom a good bye letter!! i grieved the loss of failing his family because they had so many hopes tied up in him finally settling down and being sober and happy!!! HE started calling me and appoligizing..promising he had seen the light..this will never happen again..he knew he had to change..blah blah blah...i bought into it..(oohh how niave i was)...went back a couple weeks later...within a month he was drinking..smoking dope..and looking at porn at work instead of home!!! I stayed a few more years of him being smoked up..drunk and making promises of a better tommorow! That hope for a better life with him never came. His daughter and i were so close..she was and is very precious to me!!! As well as his mom and dad..though i miss them..i realized i need to take care of me and my sanity so that my daughter and son have me present with them. That wasnt living..THAT WAS SLOWLY DYING!!! I have too much love and care and heart to let someone rob it from me!!! I was just wasting it on the wrong person!! i care for him..i have love for him..and yes it still hurts..but i will survive..HEY..if i can survive the hell ive went thru for the past four years..I CAN SURVIVE ANYTHING!!! wE CANT SET THEM FREE..They are sick..not hopeless..but sick none the less!!! hes got to get to were i am on his own..sick and tired of being sick and tired!!! people tried too tell me..WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH HIM!! You can do better..what are you thinking?????? But it didnt matter what they saw and what they wanted for me..i had to wake up to it all myself!!! And thank god i did!! Never knew i could be so hurt and feel such hopelessness and shame..for sOOO long..but ive learned the hard way!! You know what..so must he!!! Now its time to take care of me!!! Thanks too you guys..im getting stronger by the day!!! Bless you all...and..MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

Any lingering doubts I had about whether my husband is an alcoholic have subsided, especially after all the hidden alcohol I just recently found. However, as much as I would like to leave I have one big problem -- my children. They are only one and five. My concern is that I would have a really hard time proving he has a problem. He is highly functional and everyone seems to think he is the absolutely, nicest guy in the world. How to a prove that he has a drinking problem? I wouldn't want to keep him from seeing his children, but I would want to ensure that they are safe in his care. Since he has already shown he will not abide by his promises to refrain from drinking when he was supposed to watch them, I have no doubt that he would continue to do this even with a court order to not drink when they are visiting with him. From my research and conversations with those experienced on the legal side of things, in order to get supervised visitation he would have had to really screw up, i.e. DUI, especially with the kids in the care --- this has not happened...yet. So has anyone been in this situation? How do you get the proof that there is a problem? Or do you just stay until the kids get older as at least under the current situation you have more control over watching the children -- at this point I do not leave them alone with him. If I need to go out, I hire a sitter, even if he is there. Any advice? I'm feeling a bit trapped. I should add that I realize it isn't great for them to be growing up with a father who is an active alcoholic, however, "lucky for us" (note the sarcasm), most of his drinking is done after we all go to bed. Thanks for the input. This site has been invaluable to me. Its so nice to feel less isolated.

weve been broken up for 7 months. but,we go to all the same places, listen to the same music, and have all the conversations we had- only hes not here! I just think about him and im constantly reminded of him. he still takes up the mental space.

im obsessed with:
what i did
why he did but no longer seems to love me
whether he is or is going to find someone who is going to make him happier who he is going to be a better man for
why it would or wouldnt work in the future

even though most days i think, was it that bad and surely- it was not as bad as the past 7 months of depression/hell that ive been going through and the result of that (failing school, having ambivolance towards the band and maybe quitting, feeling hopeless, being sad and angry at myself all- and i do mean all the time... then i get emotionally exhausted and cant do anything).

my therapist said the only way i could be so sad was to obsess about it, and i know shes right.


ive tried to set a side time to obess and move on, as recommended- but that just makes me sadder.

does anyone have any tips or suggestions how to get unstuck? how to not be so sad and miserable? i take medicine (doesnt seem to have been working and seems really irritating to keep switching about and waiting) and go to a therapist.

even in wanting to get back together with my alcolohic XBF i know i cant because i am depressed and dont love myself so i cant really date anyone. i just dont know how to change my thoughts or behavior.

I don't even know where to start. My AH hasn't had a drink in a week.....not a long time, I know. He's done this before, but in the past he was angry and defensive. Something this time is different. We have had some nice conversations and there isn't the usual "strings attached" with me owing him favors for being nice. He's not attending AA, no counseling, nothing. It's as if there never was an issue. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

So, what does this mean for me? That's what I'm trying to figure out. I feel very off balance. I look at him and remember the man I married, the one I loved. I have felt nothing but anger and bitterness and distance from him for months. I want to be vulnerable and believe that this could be the beginning of something better. Sadly, when he is drinking I know what to expect. I know how to shut myself down and not respond. I should have walked away when it was ugly, because it seems so absurd now.

Not sure what my point is, but thought maybe there is someone out there who is feeling, or has felt the same way.....sad and confused.

I visited my son in jail on Saturday. It tears me up to see him behind the glass window, and he tries to smile at me to reassure me. We had an argument. I was trying to get him to face facts about his addiction, but he insists that he's fine. If i pretend that everything's okay like he wants it to be, we don't fight. When I talk real honest talk, we fight. So anyway I left after he told me he couldn't trust me with his paycheck. (I was going to pay off some of his bills that he has ignored.)

So anyway while I was in there, I heard other conversations going on around me in the silences of our conversation. One father begging a son to stay out of trouble and go to rehab when he gets out. One woman crying, wanting to see her husband. And it struck me. So many wrecked lives because of drugs. If it wasn't for the drugs, then they probably did something for the money for the drugs. And their addiction affects so many people.

He didn't call me all week,and even though I 'm mad at him, I want to hear from him once in a while to know that he's okay. He finally called me tonight just for a minute and I feel better.

I hope that the longer he is in jail, the more he has time to face reality, but there are no guarantees. I'm okay for today, that's all I know.

Krhea

Seems like in some threads there are quite a bit of light arguing going on, when we used to banter about whats for dinner, music soothing the soul, movies, heck even American idol. I may not be the most "sober on here" but by gummies Im trying my hardest. Going to a therapist, a psychiatrist, and doing all I can do to try to get and STAY sober. Anyway, my point is, we all have different views, but lets try to point them out tasteful and kindly. the last thing an addict struggling to get better needs is criticism or someone talking down to or about them. I LOVE all you guys to death. Lets get back to our light hearted banter, our fun conversations, our LOVE and HELP for one another!!!! This is a WONDERFUL website with lots of great friendships. I have many friends on here I truly care about, lets get the love flowing back in here!!! You guys rock and have really helped me so much. Im gettin better, and am determined to get all the way better for my children and for ME!!!!!! I look forward to coming to this site every day, I hope it stays that way, I love this site and the folks on it. Please lets all show the love!!!!! Geez, I sound like a flower child, but thats ok, I dont care, Peace Man, lol

ps. I think that a lot of it is politics. We should be able to discuss it without getting angry of accusing "users and non sober people " to be banned from discussing politics. Anyway, if that is tearing us apart, lets stop it. Although I have to say, Hooray for Obama, its time for a change!!!!!!!:ghug2

Sober!

*Ducks at all the incoming, rotten tomatoes*

I am going to a party tonight. There will most certainly be alcohol there (but not everyone will partake.) Luckily all my friends understand my situation and no one would even think to push. I'm looking forward to good conversations and lots of laughs; I know there's nothing in the bottle that I need.

I really NEED feedback. My husband and I lived on our son's property, who is an only child in his 30's. He acknowledges he had a good childhood and his father was a good dad. However, now that they are both men, my son has decided that his father needed to quit drinking in 30 days or he had to move off his property, My son was specific that I didn't need to move. He couldn't understand why I would be leaving with my husband. I wasn't taking on the challenge of "changing" my husbands behavior, since he was trying, I felt a more compassionate approach was appropriate. I was working 100 hrs/week and felt it was not the time that I chose to address this issue and felt that the roof over my head was also being removed-I felt it wasn't his decision to make for me to stay there if my husband left. I did find a wonderful place to live and my husband and I feel far less stress. My son has decided that since I chose to leave with him and didn't have enough respect for myself, he didn't respect me enough to talk to me either. My son is very strong willed and conversations usually end up in a debate-where you feel like you simply have to back down just to get him to leave you alone, debate is putting it lightly, if you don't agree he is down right confrontational. My husband used to drink 12-18 beers a day and was obviously intoxicated, would talk ridiculous and did many disloyal things while drunk. However, that has since changed years ago. I feel that is between my husband and myself. He is currently drinking 6 beers a day. He makes no demands on me and we have always been very close. Childhood sweethearts. I know the line "he is such a good man" is a cliche but I feel that my husband is trying quite hard and making great strides. I love my son very much and this really saddens me. My son suggested a family therapist for the 3 of us. My husband agreed to that but now my son doesn't want that. I am not sure if I am being manipulated, being codependent, or verbally abused by my son or is he trying to help? My family background is that my father was a very mean alcoholic and eventually died due to complications of all those years of drinking. How am I so mixed up??? This just doesn't even say it all....but ran out of letters.

I have finally come to terms that I am an alcoholic and have been for years. It is nothing to sit at home and drink 6-12 beers alone on any given night and wake up without a hangover - more on the weekends. I KNOW it isn't healthy but for the past few years, it has been the only thing to help me sleep and really just become a habit. Leave work, work out, go home, pop open a beer. So now, I have to struggle and find other things to do to keep myself occupied in the evenings. And even harder, keep from drinking when my husband is home from offshore. He will have a few in the evening, but usually no where near as much as me.

I am tired of the weight gain, all the money spent, and some times not remembering conversations because I was loaded. So, now I need tips, encouragement and support to try to finally quit this downward spiral.