Drug Rehab Options Blog

I had a rough day today. It started out good. I was up at 5am. Couldnt go back to sleep. So I amde myself a cup of coffee and a bowl of oatmeal.
Sat and just relaxed and drank my coffe and ate my breakfast here at SR this morning. Got ready for work. Was grateful I wasnt called out. Today will make a whole 16 hrs I got in this week. This is getting really frustrating.
Got to work..I was ok until the boss lady is trying to hurry us up talking about we can only have so much time to a room. And we need to be out of there by this time. Well she isnt counting the time it takes to walk across the dam hotel and go up and down 6 different floors. Stocking our carts..running back an dforth for crap thats not where it should be. Not addint our breaks in. WTF??!! I told her in so many words as nice as I could be that this is a bunch of shyt.
And she tried shorting me hours because she obviously had a hard time doing basic math. Changing time on my timecard. It took me 15 mins to explain to her that the time clock was behind an hour for 2 days. I felt liek smacking her in the back of the head to wake her up.

Got home...The kids are going friggin bonkers. I was coming out of my skull.
We went up to my aunts house for my lil cousins 6th bday party.
I just sat there for about an hour. Not really feeling like being in a house full of people and kids runnin crazy.

But I stopped and just started watching things around me.

The kids playing..Doing silly things. They started to make me laugh. Started talking to my cousins abotu stuff in general. We ate and I was just sat and watched some more.
I was watching how cute those kids are. How innocent and carefree they are. How funny and clueless they are.
I was watching how everyone was interacting. I stopped and just stayed there in that room. With everyone there in that very minute.
I was aware of my thoughts..my emtoions.
I made a point to be aware.
And it was the most content I have felt in so long.
It was just awesome. All the noise..the chaos..I didnt even notice it anymore.
I was just so happy to be there. To be a part of them. To be a functioning human being again.
It was like nothing else existed except what was going on in that house.

It was a good feeling. One I hope I can have more.

Anyway..Just wanted to share.

We are gettin ready for a supposed ice storm that is going to be pretty bad. Hopefully our power doesnt go out.

But if it does..We have each other.

Simple things. Its just the simple little things that make a difference.

I have had one hell of a few days here.
Not only with my job..My relapsing..my grams..My complete disregard for anothers flaws. And the way I handled it.
I was a complete jerk.
I should be the who understands the most. I should have done as she has always done me. Be there. Not critisise and judge.
She has never once turned her back on me. She has never once judged me or put me down.
I did that. ANd she still forgives me.
She is unconditional. I was not.
I cried all night last night. I felt so hopeless and sad and shamed.
I was plotting my next relapse Monday.
I just didnt care.
I was grinding my weels to leave and go backm to Florida as soon as I could go. Thats the worst move I could ever make. I would die down there. I would smoke myself right into the grave.
But today...I dont know what happened. I was sick all day. I was in so much pain I couldnt move. My stomach was just killing me in every way possible. I slept all day long. I tried going up to my aunts to eat. I couldnt even sit up long enough to do anything. I ate a little antipasto. And that killed me more. So I came back home and went back to sleep.
I didnt even open my presents. I didnt have any money to buy anyone anything. But yet my grams and my aunt always do for me.
My aunbt even had to buy my secret santa present because of what happened with my grams.
None of that mattered to them.
I woke up again about 7pm and called my aunt to see if the garbage was going to come tomorrow since today is out sual day. She made me come up and play rock band and try and eat soemthing since I was feeling a little better.

I looked at my cousins pics she posted on her myspace from today.
I looked and I stared at those pictures for a long time.

Why would I want to give up?
Look at what a wonderful family I have.
Sure we have our flaws. But we are ALWAYS there for each other. At least they are..Me..Not always.
I have alot of work to do on myself. Not just the drugs. I have alot of work to do on who I am and who I want to be.
I really lost everything I gained in those 2 screwups.
Or maybe I never made any progress at all.
I really do forget gratitude alot. And humility right along with it.

I always say that peoples true colors come out when you are most in need.
I guess I showed mine the past few days.

I am not going to beat myself up over it. I am ashamed that I let my grams down and myself as well.
But all I can do is move on and do a whole lot of work on me. Me as a person. I really stepped back and took a real good look at myself. The drugs are really a very small part in my flaws.

Anyway..Just needed to vent some.

Hope everyone had a nice day. Mine turned out quite clear for me.

I am so F***** tired of this shyt!
She opened the bottle of wine I had bought for my cousins wifes grandmother for Christmas.
I have no money to get her another one.
We pull names for the adults for christmas and I got my cousins wife grandmother. She isnt an alcoholic but she is old italian woman who likes a nice bottle of chiante every now and then. Now I have nothing!!
Way to F***ing go grams!!!
Now I do want to get high to the moon. Good thing I dont have money.
Or I would be smoking like a friggin fiend.
I am not even going to lie.
We got a guy trying to fix our hot water heater that broke and half the house is flooded. The kids got a mess and a half everywhere getting the guys way.
I am trying my best to keep it together but its fading fast.

WTF do I have to do to get some friggin relief here!!!
I am done..I have F***ing had it!!!

You all know I am pretty open with my shares. Maybe sometimes too open.
And I have no problems putting myself out there wide open. Thats how I get the support I need when I am being a screw up.
But I have posted before about my grams. Which I donlike to do but I do sometimes because it affects me alot.
And I am far from anyone to be complaining about someone elses disease.
But I am hurting so bad right now. I am fighting back tears because I dont knw how to handle this. I am having flash backs of when I grew up with her and my gramps drinking.
I hate to put her out there like that because she has always protected me in my addiction. Never betrayed my trust. But today I cant deal.
First let me say...Even tho I havent told you guys here. I have used the frit 2 weeks of this month. Nothing drastic. Just one trip one time on two of my paydays the first 2 weeks of this month. Why? I guess its the pattern of this month as it has been for years. And it by no means is justifyable in any way. So I dont even feel right even coming here with this. But I am so hurt right now. As I am sure she has been my whole life watching me destroy myself.
I woke up this morning and she was already plastered. She has been drinking since yesterday afternoon. I wasnt heerall night so I didnt have to see it.
I simply said..You drinking already? And she blew a fuse. And you know how when somempeople drink..They start ranting about things. Noone cares about her. Everyone takes her money..they use her and blah blah blah. The same shyt she always goes off about when she drinks. ow she doesnt drink often. But when she does she binges.
She has gone through a gallon and 4 splits of red wine since yesterday afternoon. Ad almost broke open a bottle of wine I bought for my cousins wifes grandmother for christmas.
She took my keys and thought she was going to take my lil cousin shopping today. And when I told her absolutley not she got irrate. Saying she was going to take a nap and she woud have been fine. You kids think you can run my life. I gave up everything for you kids. ALl you kids do is use me. And then we started into the where were you a couple weeks ago. Wheres the money you owe me. You betetr find another place to live.
And I am not goin gto lie..I lost it at first and said soe pretty mean things. But then I stoped and went and hugged her and apologised and told her to just go lay down. And if she wanted me to drive her to take my lil cousin shopping I would. Thats wasnt good enough.
She was telling me that she gaeve everything up for me. But since she put me before her now she has nothing.
Nnone ever does anything for her and just all that self pity angry drunken rambling.
Some of that is true. But it cut me like a knife.
I deserve what she said to me. Because I am no where any better in what I do.
But When she got mad about wantigng to drive my van with my cousin..Thats where I have to stand my ground. I would never ever get high around my baby cousins and definately wouldnt try drivivng with them in the car.
This is not her. She knows better.
And I dont want to make her out to be a bad person. Because she isnt. And she would never hrut any of us. Those babies are her life right now. But her judgement is not right at the moment.
I know she has alot of built up issues that she never voices becasue thats just her. But when she drinks..She lets it all out and says it ways I know she doesnt mean.
I tried closing my door. She is still running her mouth out there.
Then she comes in my room and just wont stop.
I dont want to be mean. But how do I get her to just stop!!!
Well..I guess she went to lay down.
I guess this is how it feels to watch me do this to myself.
I ahte seeing her liek that. But she gets so mean when she drinks. Always has. But when she doesnt drink. She is the sweestest..kindest..gentlest..most tolerant person in the world.
I hate she feels like she does. And it only comes out when shes drinking.
Does she really feel like that. But never syas anythign until alcohol gives her the courage? Or is it just the alcohol making her say things she doesnt mean?
I struggle with being patient with her. AN dI did lose my cool at first. But quickly stopped and just let her run her mouth and hugged her and told her I am sorry I am screw up and we do care about her. But she just keeps going on and on.
She has never once lost her cool with me in my lowest. And I feel bad I didnt do the same at first.
It hurts so much to see her like that.
And it hurts even more that even though I did slip 2 times recently. But I am trying my very best.
I coudnt even buy her a xmas card because I am so far behind on my bills and those 2 screw ups didnt help any. I had o tell my uncle she was drinking because she was suppose to pick up my couisn fron the school bus stop. I hate I had to out her. But I cant let that kid be here right now. And definately cant let her try and drive with him like that.
She knows better. I know it is the alcohol thinking.
Hopefully she sleeps it off and thats it.
I havent been the best person lately. I have had really short tolerance levels. And I dont treat her like I should.

Maybe I have no business even posing this.
I just hurt seeing her liek that and knowing alot of it is because of me.
Maybe I do need to just go move somewhere else and she wouldnt have a piece of shyt like me to deal with.

I went the dreaded wake. A number of my cousins were there and one from Florida. One of them said when I saw my parents (first time seeing or speaking to them in over ten years, and they never reached out ONCE to ask why) I turned white as a ghost and she thought I'd pass out. Well, I was scared because they are scary people. My father approached me and asked if a hug was "okay". Fine. Later after ignoring me for awhile, the mother came over and I shook her hand and said hello. Later still, I asked my father if they had any of my old artwork and he said he thought so, packed somewhere and when I asked for it he said "I think that can be arranged". So there's some slim, tiny chance I may regain a part of my history which is extremely important to me. I only gave him my e-mail. Then the mother said I could take flowers home, and showed me the pictures of her mother (the deceased) and was tearily telling me to take any ones I wanted and how I looked like her when she was younger. As we were leaving my father called me back for another hug and said it was good to see me. I don't expect anything and I'm glad it's over and proud of myself for doing something I said I'd never do when it happened.

I have memories of being about 5 years old and my mother beating my retarded brother. The one spacific memory I have is him in the hall on the floor and she is kicking him yelling at him about something he did, and he is begging her to stop. I am crying and begging her to stop because he is getting punished for something I did. I remember screaming out that I DID IT!!! But she didn't stop.

Today I was talking to my brother, we were talking about his shrink and how he feels good talking to him and that it's ok to talk about what happened with mom and dad now that they are gone. He told me my dad took his belt to the bottom of his feet for punishment. I never knew dad hit him. I knew he yelled at him rather than talking to him and would talk about him when he was right there, but I never knew he hit him.

I have often wondered about the coffee incendent where for some reason my brother was up real early in the morning and I was told he got under the desk in the kitchen for some reason and the cord to the coffee pot got caught up in his hand or foot and the entire pot of coffee came down on him and burned him from head to toe. I remember getting up that morning and he was on the sofa crying and had cold wet towls on him. They took him to the doctor later that day. (no big hurry) I also remember burning my hand on the iron, Well what I remember is my mom peeling my hand off it and then putting butter on it because back then they though butter helped. (WRONG) What I don't remember is if I put my hand on there and if so, why would I put it all the way on there, or if she did it. I can see the room, the old wooden ironing board and the old black and metal iron and then the pain.

I come from a long line of drinkers and I remember my cousins saying they liked comming to our house becaus they felt safe. Ours was the safe house.
I can only imagin what they went through if they felt our house was a safe place to be.
D

I'm wondering if one can subpeona photographs? I know it sounds crazy, but I don't have anyphotos of myself from befor I was about 18. It would help me get some sense of self. Even though I was horribly ugly and teased ruthlessly, I'm distanced from it enough that I actually need to see photos of myself from when I was younger, to give me a sense of self. Yes, my issues are screwy. Contacting my parents is not an option. i once tried repeatedly calling them for medical records and they did not respond. When a friend of mine drove to theor home without my permission and simply knocked on the door (which they did not answer) they called the police on him. Even a few of my cousins called and left messsages saying I had a condition and needed the information and they still didn't give a damn- they never responded.

Ok, so here goes a little about me... A few years back I found this site & only posted a little bit. I really didn't make much of an effort to quit drinking. For the last few months, I have been lurking & reading a lot of your posts. I feel like I already know a lot about most of you. I don't have any sober time yet. I'm hoping that posting on here will help me want to quit. I think I'm still in that stage of knowing that I should quit, but I don't really know if I'm ready to. I hope some of you don't take that the wrong way & have negative feelings towards me. I'm just trying to be honest about it.

I'm 34, married to someone in the military, no kids yet, just my dogs & birds & a stray cat that decided to make his home in my backyard. I don't want this to sound like an excuse, but being in the military, there's usually alcohol flowing pretty freely especialy on the weekends. Growing up, I was always around alcohol... dad, uncles, brothers, cousins all drink. I can't even imagine a family function without alcohol being involved. When you see it so much, it all starts to seem normal. Same thing with my neighbors now. It's strange when I see him without a beer in his hand. Then his wife drinks, smokes pot & will take any anxiety/slash pain meds she can get her hands on. Strange thing is that they don't see anything wrong with it & would never consider getting help for it. It's just how they like to live. I'm not trying to say that I'm better because I only drink & don't take anything else, but I'm just trying to explain my situation. I know some of you will say to just not hang out with them. Unfortunately I'm living in a small town which is 1000 miles away from my friends & family. On a Friday or Saturday when she knocks on my door & everyone is already drinking, it's hard not to join in. This town is pretty depressing, & sometimes you just want to not deal with everything. My husband drinks too, but I don't think he's an alcoholic like me. He doesn't know that a lot of times I drink during the day when he's at work. I have a pretty high tolerance, so a few glasses of wine doesn't do a whole lot to me. Some days I'm stressed & I drink. Other days I just really like the feeling it gives me. Now I think it's just more of a habit. I almost don't know what I would do with my free time. Right now I'm looking for work. I know I need a job to fill my free time & to make some extra money. I've read some of your posts about job hunting. Well, yes it does suck. I have a college degree & I've been applying for cashier positions that probably won't even pay me $7.00/hr. Sad thing is I can't even get someone to call me for an interview. I know for a fact that one of the grocery stores is hiring, & the manager asks me for my name & number whenever I'm in there, but she won't call me. What's going on?? What a blow to your ego. I'm way overqualified for the position, & she won't call me. At this point, I'm basically just begging for any job because I think it's the only thing that could help me stop drinking right now. I need to be forced out of bed in the morning & have a place to go & not think about drinking as much. Sorry this is so long, but once I started typing, new thoughts kept popping into my head. I hope to get to know some of you better. Thanks for listening to me ramble.

Mine was when I was about 6 or 7 yrs of age. I remember my mothers cousins husband used to come over and my father would nuts running around hiding all the liquor, especially the hard stuff. Edgar would would bring his own, but he would stay until wee hours of the morning and only after drinking everything in sight. I remember he was usually nice to me and his daughter used to baby sit me when my parents went out (she was hot.. LOL)

Towards the end I remember he had gotten so bad that would hallucinet, he would say he say angels and it would scare him even more which would cause him to drink even more.

The alcohol eventually killed him, but not unitl it made effects on his wife, my baby sitter and me... yes me. You see, I knew from then on I would never allow my self to become an alcoholic and to this day I remember him whenever I found myself drinking more than I should... instead I became a pothead and waisted of 10 yrs of my life, sigh.

Ah the recreational times 70's/80's.... but thats a different story and I've been straight up for over 20 yrs.

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out

and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

Are you ready for this?

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A COMMONTATER