Archive for the ‘Crappy’ tag
That Inconvenient ‘Second Wind’ - The Origin of My Insomnia
Sorry folks, this one is a mixed bag here...
It seems right as the perfect time to go to bed comes along (10pm-ish), I get my second wind. It's now three am and I'm still awake, feeling crappy and remorseful that I didn't seize the opportunity.
Something in my head always tells me I need to stay awake and finish some stuff first. But usually that 'important stuff' winds up being my petty compulsions; being on the computer looking up irrelevant stuff, or binge-eating. And sometimes that voice is telling me that I'm going to be missing out on something if I go to sleep, but it's false.
I have been trying to figure out where my insomnia came from. As a kid I used to stay up late for 'high' effect it gave. And then as a teenager, I used to stay up late so I could be prepared to do what I needed to when one of my parents came home drunk and I'd either have to leave, hide or fend off their attacks.
Now I think it's just a force of habit and I may be this way all my life. I've never held a consistent sleep routine longer than two weeks. And I know some people who are just 'nocturnal'. But for my needs, I think it's best that I start getting up early like a normal person.
The whole town is going to be snowed in tomorrow (I mean, today!) and so I don't feel too guilty about sleeping in, but I my goal is to not sleep past twelve am, and next I'll keep trying until I can get to not sleeping in past 9am.
:thinking:
It seems right as the perfect time to go to bed comes along (10pm-ish), I get my second wind. It's now three am and I'm still awake, feeling crappy and remorseful that I didn't seize the opportunity.
Something in my head always tells me I need to stay awake and finish some stuff first. But usually that 'important stuff' winds up being my petty compulsions; being on the computer looking up irrelevant stuff, or binge-eating. And sometimes that voice is telling me that I'm going to be missing out on something if I go to sleep, but it's false.
I have been trying to figure out where my insomnia came from. As a kid I used to stay up late for 'high' effect it gave. And then as a teenager, I used to stay up late so I could be prepared to do what I needed to when one of my parents came home drunk and I'd either have to leave, hide or fend off their attacks.
Now I think it's just a force of habit and I may be this way all my life. I've never held a consistent sleep routine longer than two weeks. And I know some people who are just 'nocturnal'. But for my needs, I think it's best that I start getting up early like a normal person.
The whole town is going to be snowed in tomorrow (I mean, today!) and so I don't feel too guilty about sleeping in, but I my goal is to not sleep past twelve am, and next I'll keep trying until I can get to not sleeping in past 9am.
:thinking:
A little victory and a little defeat… oh what a Friday night it was.
So, I've posted on other threads that I've had problems saying no to this guy who seems to have this weird spell over me. Last night I went to a party with him. It was a good party, not too many people and I knew most of them so it wasn't too uncomfortable for me. Well, I ended up having a couple of drinks and that means today I'm back on day 1, but I don't feel half as crappy as I did on the last day 1. I'm a bit disappointed in myself, but also a a bit more determined to stay sober.
The victory was nice though. He wanted to buy some coke, and clearly expected me to pay for it. I didn't have my credit card anyway, so no hope of getting any cash for it. He told me to go home and get it. I told him if I left I wasn't coming back. He backed off for a while then on the drive home he started again, asking me to buy the drugs and he even called his source and started setting it up, but I made my "no" stick, I told him I wouldn't buy them and if he wanted to get drugs I would drop him at his place and he could figure it out himself. Well, that wouldn't work because his fiancee was at his apartment waiting for him and was under the impression he was at a meeting for a professional society we are in (as opposed to going to a party with me while she drove 120 miles to see him and babysat 3 little kids... honestly if the woman had any clue what was really going on, I like to think she'd dump his sorry butt.... but then I actually do know what's going on and seem unable or unwilling to keep him out of my life). I ignored his begging and took him home. I'm so proud of myself for saying no to him and for not doing drugs, as well. Because there's a little part of my brain that wanted the drugs.
The victory was nice though. He wanted to buy some coke, and clearly expected me to pay for it. I didn't have my credit card anyway, so no hope of getting any cash for it. He told me to go home and get it. I told him if I left I wasn't coming back. He backed off for a while then on the drive home he started again, asking me to buy the drugs and he even called his source and started setting it up, but I made my "no" stick, I told him I wouldn't buy them and if he wanted to get drugs I would drop him at his place and he could figure it out himself. Well, that wouldn't work because his fiancee was at his apartment waiting for him and was under the impression he was at a meeting for a professional society we are in (as opposed to going to a party with me while she drove 120 miles to see him and babysat 3 little kids... honestly if the woman had any clue what was really going on, I like to think she'd dump his sorry butt.... but then I actually do know what's going on and seem unable or unwilling to keep him out of my life). I ignored his begging and took him home. I'm so proud of myself for saying no to him and for not doing drugs, as well. Because there's a little part of my brain that wanted the drugs.
Drying out, todays day one
I really thought I would never have to go through this again, but here I am again. Feeling crappy,but hopeful that this time will be different. I would like to get to a meeting somehow, but have been too drunk or sick, so I started reading the AA book again for now. I had trouble with Bills story. when he starts talking about his instant new found connection with God , I was like "hoky",but Im gonna keep reading. Im getting some good stuff from it. AA has never been for me, but Im starting to want to go rather than seeing it as a punishment, sentence, and inconvenience. I just really have a hard time with the religious part. I try to look at in terms of spirituality, but when I listen to some of the AAers, It sounds like they are talking religion and I just havent been able to grasp the program.
Imthinking even if I cant get that aspect right away maybe it will come and in the meantime I can meet people that I can hopefully relate to.
I feel like ive said this before, but I guess thats cause I just dont have it in me to give up.
Imthinking even if I cant get that aspect right away maybe it will come and in the meantime I can meet people that I can hopefully relate to.
I feel like ive said this before, but I guess thats cause I just dont have it in me to give up.
Dreaded expectations
God, I have too many. I guess it's good that I catch myself before things get totally nuts.
Nutshell: I am out of work. Emotionally, I'm floundering a bit. Having a hard time getting and keeping motivated. Have been keeping up with a friend, whom I've had a romantic relationship with in the past. Though it is strictly a platonic relationship now, I find myself falling into my old behaviors of seeking attention from this person and having expectations. Which aren't being met. Just silly stuff really.
I'm disgusted with myself for over reacting to perceived slights. This was my MO for a very very long time. I guess I should be happy that at least I see what I'm doing now.
I just feel crappy, and on top of feeling crappy, I know it's of my own making.
Can anyone relate?
Nutshell: I am out of work. Emotionally, I'm floundering a bit. Having a hard time getting and keeping motivated. Have been keeping up with a friend, whom I've had a romantic relationship with in the past. Though it is strictly a platonic relationship now, I find myself falling into my old behaviors of seeking attention from this person and having expectations. Which aren't being met. Just silly stuff really.
I'm disgusted with myself for over reacting to perceived slights. This was my MO for a very very long time. I guess I should be happy that at least I see what I'm doing now.
I just feel crappy, and on top of feeling crappy, I know it's of my own making.
Can anyone relate?
