Drug Rehab Options Blog

I'm going to ask if anyone has been going through a lot of changes with their significant other sincce they've gotten clean. People have gotten so used to me being messed up and me living in that craziness, that they're not used to the "NEW ME/OLD ME" changes. I've been been clean before and have gone many years without a substance problem but alcohol got a hold of me and almost ruined my life. I feel distant from my partner and that he has no interest in my program and I know they have reason to doubt me
ALL the time. It's like they are waiting for the next bottom out and I can't blame them because it's happened several times before.

I became a recluse drinker and became very dependant on my husband, like a crazy obsession and I couldn't control it. I felt weak, tired, confused, hurt and angry all the time. The more I tried to get closer to him, the further away he became. He never wanted to be around me while I was drinking and that's understandable. However, I found myself drinking because he wasn't coming home and arguments were started so he could go out and the cyle would start. We started fighting all the time and we've been married for almost 17 years. We said some horrible things to each other and it got physical several times (both of us did it). I destroyed many things I loved out of anger, packed my bags and kids up way to many times.

Can you get over the things that were done during those horrible times? It sure doesn't feel like I can just let some of things go but I want to be forgiven for my faults. I know that's wrong but I'm so angry and doubt his honesty. He cheated on me and confessed it but I feel deep in my heart that it went a lot further than he'll ever admit. He also develop a relationship with a woman at work. They emailed and he sent her a picture of half his naked body. I found pictures on his phone and it drove me to madness. He didn't come home many nights and lots of money has been "unexpalinable". We were heading for divorce. I was a horrible drunk. I was drinking up to 3 pints of vodka a day and was unfunctionable.

How do I overcome these issues and move on to make this relationship work. Everytimes he's late or gone, I doubt him. Maybe it will not work, if I can't move on...maybe I should literally move on...

He doesn't understand addiction because then he'd have to admit that he's an addict also. I've made myself stop checking his phone but I still check his YAhoo account and email. He has other means of email and I know
he's using it, I'm not stupid but how do I stop this cycle of insanity. This has wasted to much of my time already. Does the hurt start to go away and allow the heart to mend?

One woman in my group told me I was evil for doubting him still and that I shouldn't even be allowed to remain married. WTF? Do other people feel and do the things that I do or have done?

So back to right now.........am I living a false reality or is it suppose to feel like this? I'm rambling SORRY.. Thanks for listening. DESPERATE AND LONELY!!:e136:

Simply put my AXBF and i broke up 5 months ago when i found out he was still using cocaine (i knew he was an alcoholic but i didnt know he was still using cocaine. i thought that by abusing alcohol he stopped. but he uses both).and several times he made references about taking opiates recreationally so now i know that i guess he could/likely has a problem with those as well. maybe he told me so i thought it was less harmful then coke, i dont know. anyway:

it is my only real relationship. I am 23 years old, and hes the only serious boyfriend ive had. weve been off and on but ive never ever been able to get over him, and even when im with others, they just dont compare.

My AXBF was a good boyfriend for the most part but he was always messed up / wasted and i worried constantly. i was insecure about how he felt towards me even though he told me i was the love of his life etc. but i was obsessed, controlling nagging. he did not have a phone, would come over late, and i was codependent, clingy, and needy. i was super depressed and not fun. i resented even the good times we had. more importantly i drove him crazy with the insecurities i had about our relationship as he was flaky, etc. he was still trying to be a good boyfriend, and was a goodboyfriend throughout all my craziness.......

when we broke up, he wanted to be "friends" i felt like it is because he think there are girls out there that are better for him, and he wants to find them. This really hurts. It confirms what i thought about not being a good girlfriend. at one time, i probably was the love of his life and now i feel like ive pushed him away.

He wants to be friends- which hurts (!) that he views me as a friend. although word is that he is now "content" with us not being friends. i must say that although ive told him dont contact me dont contact dont contact me im still in love with you, i cant be friends with you etc. it HURTS that he doesnt contact me and has accepted it. A while ago he asked me to do "lunch" and when i said i wasnt there yet, he said he just wanted to do an innocent lunch sometime and if i changed my mind to let him know. It made me wonder if there was HOPE in him still wanting me, but my friends said that LUNCH is platonic and that he would not ask to go to lunch if he was interested in more??????


I feel rejected all over again, that he lost interest romantically, that he wants "innocent" lunches and friendship. I feel like hes going to find another girl who he has more fun with. or has much more of an interest in dating.

I know i shouldnt care, his business is his business but i am HURT, and the sorrow is overwhelming. I DO go to alannon, therapy, read about codependency, coda. BUT i just miss him so much and wonder if i couldve handled it, or if the fact that i wasnt a good girlfriend but DID care about him counts for anything.

I wonder today if i couldve dealt with it and if i could deal with it. one of the only views that stops me is that he will get worse (as he has no desire for treatment).

I cant get this view out that he is the one for me and that ill never meet anyone who makes me laugh as much or who i have that same special closeness/bond and chemistry with. he was my best friend for 8 years and we talked every day. now we dont talk at all, and i fear by cutting our communication lines i will indefinitely lose him. hell move on, accept it, but i will be still missing him as ive done for years.

My other post was too long :sorry.

Simply put my AXBF and i broke up 5 months ago. it is my only real relationship. I am 23 years old, and hes the only serious boyfriend ive had. weve been off and on but ive never ever been able to get over him, and even when im with others, they just dont compare.

My AXBF was a good boyfriend for the most part but he was always wasted and i worried constantly. i was insecure about how he felt towards me even though he told me i was the love of his life etc. but i was obsessed, controlling nagging. he did not have a phone, would come over late, and i was codependent, clingy, and needy. i was super depressed and not fun. i resented even the good times we had. he was still trying to be a good boyfriend, and was, throughout all my craziness.

when we broke up, he wanted to be "friends" i felt like it is because he think there are girls out there that are better for him, and he wants to find them. This really hurts. It confirms what i thought about not being a good girlfriend. at one time, i probably was the love of his life and now i feel like ive pushed him away.

He wants to be friends- which hurts (!) that he views me as a friend. although word is that he is now "content" with us not being friends. i must say that although ive told him dont contact me dont contact dont contact me im still in love with you, i cant be friends with you etc. it HURTS that he doesnt contact me and has accepted it. A while ago he asked me to do "lunch" and when i said i wasnt there yet, he said he just wanted to do an innocent lunch sometime and if i changed my mind to let him know. It made me wonder if there was HOPE in him still wanting me, but my friends said that LUNCH is platonic and that he would not ask to go to lunch if he was interested in more??????


I feel rejected all over again, that he lost interest romantically, that he wants "innocent" lunches and friendship. I feel like hes going to find another girl who he has more fun with. or has much more of an interest in dating.

I know i shouldnt care, his business is his business but i am HURT, and the sorrow is overwhelming. I DO go to alannon, therapy, read about codependency, coda. BUT i just miss him so much and wonder if i couldve handled it, or if the fact that i wasnt a good girlfriend but DID care about him counts for anything.

I wonder today if i couldve dealt with it and if i could deal with it. one of the only views that stops me is that he will get worse (as he has no desire for treatment).

I cant get this view out that he is the one for me and that ill never meet anyone who makes me laugh as much or who i have that same special closeness/bond and chemistry with. he was my best friend for 8 years and we talked every day. now we dont talk at all, and i fear by cutting our communication lines i will indefinitely lose him. hell move on, accept it, but i will be still missing him as ive done for years.:bigcry

Hi - I am a fairly new member and have posted here before. FOr those who may not be familiar with my last post, the alcoholic and substance abuser in my life is my brother-in-law (married to my older sister) and the father of my 4 nieces and nephews, ranging in age from 17 to 6. My sister's husband has problems with alcohol and prescription meds (given by doctor and bought off the street). My sister is in denial and a great degree of co-dependency, and while her "secret" life is apparent to everyone she believes that it is not. SHe is a nurse who works 5 nights a week to support their family, while he has not worked in 2 years. She also brings the kids to all of the activities, sports, etc. on their non-stop merry-go-round of trying to appear "normal". She is desperate to keep everything together, but refuses Alanon. Husband has flirted with AA and treatment but has never made an honest effort at it (in my opinion). I have had a chance to speak with my 2 teenage nieces about the craziness, suggested Alateen, etc. They can be honest with me, although my sister is not speaking to me after an argument 2 months ago about the lack of safety in the situation (husband driving drunk, upsetting kids, etc.) I voerstepped bounds and said that I would call DCF if I heard that he put the kids at risk anymore or that she allowed it. Not a good move on my part - temporarily satisfying to me but didn't "shock" her into action the way I had hoped.

Recent development: my oldest niece was home alone this holiday weekend (after refusing to go on a weekend trip to VErmont to see her younger brother play in a soccer tournament). Her father was going, which is the first time in a long while that he has done anything with the family. She was excited at being home alone (first time doing it, feeling very grown-up) but got a phone call late Sat. night on her cell from a waitress at a restaurant in Vermont (they live in NY) saying that her Dad was so out of it that he couldn't tell them what hotel he was staying at, and that her number came up first on his cell phone which they had taken away from him. They wanted to get him a cab and send him back to wherever he was staying. SO my niece gave them the name and address of the hotel and then called me - I might add that I live in Europe, having moved here with my own family 5 years ago. She was frightened and upset and angry...I talked to her and asked her to contact her mother in Vermont and let her know what had just happened. She did and he evidently got back to the hotel room o.k. via a taxi.

Her parents and sister and brothers returned home yesterday. Nothing was mentioned about what happened, although her father is "in a bad mood". Her mother told her that if she told anyone else about what is going on she would be in trouble, so she just emailed me begging me not to do anything with this info.

SO...what do I do? My urge is to jump in...the good news being that since coming to this forum that urge is no longer overwhelming or all-consuming, and that I know that there are limits and boundaries that I need TO KEEP ME HEALTHY. I am sad, angry, frustrated - not even so much at the brother-in-law anymore as I have very few feelings left for him - but more so at my sister for continuing to allow this to happen to her children. WHat about my nephew - 11 years old, and so excited to be playing on a travel soccer team - and his father has to ruin it by being so drunk that a waitress has to get him home safely? Or my other niece, who is almost 16 and was so excited to be going away as a "family" and doing "family things together" - never mind the little 6 year-old who is growing up thinking that all of this is normal. SO, I can continue to recommend Alateen and encourage them to take care of themselves and remind them that they didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it - but is there anything else? ANy thoughts, wisdom etc. happily accepted...Thanks in advance for listening...

I have another stupid story to tell from the rooms. I am truly getting tired of all the BS, let me tell you. I have to say "take what I need and leave the rest" over and over in my head lately.

Anyway, so today I finally get a call back from my sponsor who has been MIA this week on vacation to visit her sponsor in another country.

She tells me that after talking it over with her sponsor (I knew that was going to cause trouble, because her sponsor doesn't know me or my life), she feels that I really have to start going to more meetings (I'm very busy at work now and am making 3 a week), that I won't get any better with my current schedule and that I must find a way to scale back my life to make "90 in 90." But I don't feel the need or desire to do that.

I explained to her that isn't doable due to my bills. I have a kid in college, a mortgage, two cars for us, a younger child, and all the regular bills that go along with all that. I asked her what she would have me cut back on. I mean, I told her, it's not like I'm buying new shoes, or taking any vacations even. I'm only 5 years from retirement at my current job, so a change in career isn't feasible now. And we're in a recession. Many of us, including me, are just scraping by, with the costs going up, but salaries staying the same.

She told me that she did it, so so could I. She says she went to 3 meetings a day when new. I pointed out the differences in our lifestyles. She is still living w/mom and dad, has no car, a part-time gig that she isn't committed to, and comes from money. I explained to her, that even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to live the way she does.

She told me that I will end up picking up if I don't do it her way. But I'm doing pretty well. I have 6 months, and I just spoke at a meeting for the first time. I really was feeling stronger lately.

I pointed that out and then she really got on my case about my service commitment to my home group; a reading. I selected that service because I'm a shift worker who can only make 1/2 the meetings (I'm on night shift 1/2 the time). My home group knew that when I signed up. So that didn't seem to be a problem then, someone could read the reading on the days I couldn't be there. It wasn't that big of a deal. But she said she wanted me to "resign the commitment" although there isn't anyone else who wants it. And I'm a good reader. Really good at that. Seriously, people say they love to hear me read. Sounds stupid, but they do say that at my home group. So I liked that job. It made me feel like I finally belonged somewhere.

At first, she made me feel really bad. And finally I just snapped. I went off. I told her "You can take that service commitment, and your home group, and you can get f'd." Then I hung up. I'm so mad. I'm so frustrated. It's my home group too. I don't know anymore. I just don't know if I want to belong to any of it right now. I'm so tired of non-constructive criticism from people who don't seem to know anything about how to live a balanced life in recovery. Or even how to help me work the steps. Or even how to be happy.

So once again, no sponsor, no prospects. Alone again. So sick of it.

KJ

First...all I know about the DUI thing is that blood came back a .01.

Basically, I have Stage 2 Hypertension (at age 33!) I'm on some strong medication and I have to get very, very serious about losing weight. They're recommending 100 pounds!!! Atkins and exercise here I come.

I'm borderline Type 1 Diabetes. Again, can be controlled by massive weight loss.

My liver functions came back normal. Can you imagine? After all the drinking I did, I only inflamed my liver; no fatty, no cirrohsis. She said it would be perfectly back to normal in 3-4 months. I really dodged a bullet here.

My kidneys, electrolytes, and pancreas are all operating within normal functions.

Basically, The HP saved me. No more alcohol ever again. Despite what the cops say, I have been sober since January and my body is coming back together.

In the midst of my craziness, there was some good news this week.

Thanks SR!

I've been going through some very rough times these past 3 weeks. I went off my anti depression medicine in June and started back again. No, didn't check with sponsor or doctor. I had some sort of reaction which included extreme anxiety attacks. It has been 13 years, 11 months since taking a drink but I realized that I had not been working a good program. I hadn't worked the steps since I first got sober. I had lapsed back into old behaviour of which I am not proud of and created more wreckage in my life. I prayed to Jesus and God the Father on a daily and nightly basis but wasn't feeling a conscience contact. No wonder since I was in so much sin! Now I'm really having mental issues. As far as the meds go my doctor took me off the one because of the adverse reaction and put me on another one. It hasn't been a long enough time to know if the new one will help with the depression. I've been obsessing over it being End Times... that Mystery Babylon is the United States and that we as a nation are being punished because we have fallen away from God. It seems to be all about the money in this land. I'm guilty too. I've bought way more "stuff" than I actually need. I feel like I've been snared by the deceiver.
I've asked for forgiveness and for just little faith and relief from the pain and fear I'm feeling that things are really about to get bad in the USA. I've also beaten myself up for being so blind to what was happening..... and for being caught off guard. I also beat myself up for being so selfish. I know I've had it really good for a long time while people in this country but more so in others have it far worse than I ever had.

It's difficult for me right now because I am at Step 1 again even though I haven't drank and am struggling very hard with it.

Any suggestions or thoughts on my craziness?

I'm dying here. It's been a really bad couple of days.

Again, I was told I was "the second choice." for a job, this is the 5th or 6th time. I don't even keep count anymore.

I'm so ******* sick of being the "runner up" in life. How do I win? I am sick of being anyone's "second best."

I apologize to the board, don't read my craziness, I just have to express somewhere. I have been having a very rough patch. I'll shut up now.

Last night was night two on my own, and the strangest thing happened. As some of you know the AH is in the process of dealing with child support enforcement. For years, my AH has not spoken to his kids from his first marriage. He has a restraining order against her and we had been taking care not to be published in the phone book due to her craziness of old. He was always afraid of her.

His ExW was also an A and they went through some drama with child services over it. To make a long story short, the kids were put in foster care temporarily and it was a race to see who would finish their program first to get them back into custody. He didnÂ’t follow through and she did. Eight years ago, while she was still active, she would call and threaten and stalk and withhold the children from him. I was only 23 at the time and also active in substance addiction. Can you imagine all these dysfunctional people at each other throats?

Then they moved to NJ, and she filed for support. For years, my AH was bitter and sad because he felt he couldnÂ’t speak to the children. I always insisted he make an effort to do so even if it meant taking her back to court. There were his kids too after allÂ…He never did thisÂ…he merely would lament the loss.

Last night at home, she called the house. I am unlisted, so I am unsure how she got the number. She wanted to know if the AH was going to pay his support. At first I told her that he moved out, and she didnÂ’t believe meÂ…however, when I stated that he said he did and he was living in his carÂ…this poured out a whole civil and enlightening conversation between us.

For an hour and a half, we spoke my AH, and I realize that the cycle merely continued from her to me. Since she is in recovery for many years, she was able to admit her participation in the demise of their marriage. She also stated that the AH was a good, sensitive person, and when they were married, a good father to their childrenÂ…stating that he took care of the children when she was unable to because of her addiction. BUT she stated that he was his own worst enemy, and he has been living in this vicious cycle his entire lifeÂ….He needs strong women who try to rescue himÂ…He tries to get on the bandwagon by making half hearted attempts at sobriety (like abstinence by no recovery)Â…then he canÂ’t maintainÂ…he begins to hide activities that include drinking, drugging, hanging out with questionable people, erratic behaviorÂ….ultimately, he ends up out on the street living in his carÂ….

She has also dealt with a stream of jobs that he couldnÂ’t maintainÂ….suicide attemptsÂ….psychiatric wardsÂ…his insecuritiesÂ…attempt to try to fix his family relationships, self improvements, etcÂ…his inability to pay bills, handle money responsibility, and deadlines, his mounting paranoia Â…serious depression and on and on. In the end, he spent all his moneyÂ…had mysterious numbers callingÂ…sexual relationships with other womenÂ…out all nightÂ…etc. The saddest thing is that she too felt that at heart he was a good person who never dealt with the severe abuse that he encountered in his childhood, and she tried to save him and give him love that he said he always wanted. In the end, she said she couldnÂ’t keep it together anymore (not to mention she had her own demons to contend with). This not only happened with her, but with the woman previous to her. She also contended with the drama that the end of his previous relationship brought, much in the same way I did with theirs.

She said that she wishes that the AH would call his children. From what she said that they have no idea about what is going on with him and they are still yearning to know him and love him. She said that despite the money he owes that he is still able to speak and visit them and be a part of their lives. I told her that I would tell him this when I speak to him again. I said that it was too bad that we didnÂ’t have this conversation years ago because maybe this would have made a difference, at least in the childrenÂ’s lives.

This was very conflicting for me. I know that I couldnÂ’t save him because my recovery has taught me this, but this was the first time it wasnÂ’t just in theory. It was actual. The evidence of the cycle was right there in my face. What I heard last night was too familiar not to be true. Nothing I said or did was going to save this man. My love wasnÂ’t enough. It would never be enough. He has allowed himself to miss out on so much. It was liberating in a sense to have this knowledge and sad in another. I will pass the information along once I speak to him again. I did not make a special phone call to him to tell him about this because that will entrench me back in. I will let time decide by his decision to contact me even though my first reaction was to call him...

Hi everyone,

This is my last weekend that I will live with my AH. There is such a finality about it. I have tried to keep busy with school work, which has kept me out of the house. Meanwhile, the AH is in terrible straights. He has been looking for a place to live, but has very little money of his own. No job either, and trying to get social security. We divided our only marital asset between us in June. It was a CD that we opened using money his mother left us when she died. In brighter days, we were planning on using it to put a down payment on a home. After all this madness, we broke the CD...I took a small portion to reimburse myself for money I lent him and the rest I gave to him since it was his mother's money. In TWO months, he spent $10,000, and only has $400 left.

His ex wife is now pushing for back child support. He received notice that they were going to push enforcement proceedings and are about to levy his bank account (don't worry--he and I never had joint accounts or filed taxes together). His OW is out of control with her drinking, so there is no stability there. He has no family to help him or to go to. And the day approaches for him to leave...

Today after months of craziness, he soberly told me that he screwed his life up royally and was sorry for the pain he caused. It wasn't followed by any pleading for reconciliation or for an extended stay. It was merely a resigned admittance that he made choices that put his life in the toilet. I had never heard him take this kind of responsibility before. I again mentioned recovery to him, but he still resists.

I am so deeply saddened for this man. My heart breaks as I watch him fall to a place I cannot go. I used to follow him so eagerly, ready to rescue him. Now I can only watch as he scrambles. It is so wretched. I feel like I am lowering a casket that contains our marriage into the ground. The saddest thing is that nothing can save it now. There are only ways to be parted and tears to be shed.

Thanks for letting me share.