Archive for the ‘Credit Card’ tag
Barely hanging on.. barely.
Hi Guys,
I've been sort of a lurker (guest) on this forum and have read some pretty awesomely supportive posts and advice here. Seems like a great place. THis is my first post here, and I didn't want to put it in the newcomers forum because I think this is where i belong.
I once said definitely i would never touch a drug. By the time i was a freshman in high I was smoking weed every day almost. The next thing I really experimented with was hallucinogens: paper, shrooms mainly.
By the end of 11th grade, me and my "best friend" since we in 5th started doing coke. He was rich and his parents were druggies too, so we literally had no limit. I mean, take 10k out of the safe without questions, no limit. So senior year I was doing coke almost everyday. The weird thing about that is I never got addicted it to it. I'm sure to some degree, but it was all fun and games as far as I was concerned.
When I graduated, I graduated with honors, and got a scholarship to a nice university and everything was cool. I didn't do any hard drugs from mid-summer to the end of my first semester in college. nothing. Of course, I smoked a little weed in college or whatever.
When I came back for break I ran into the same old crowd, and got sucked in.. this time even worse. They had started smoking crack some months back. My mentality was, well I quit coke just like that why would this be any different. Well you know the rest of the story... it was. Long story short, I maxed out a credit card, flunked out of school, and had to move back home and get a job.
Then of course, it just got worse. My dealer literally lived 1 block away. Every free second I had I thought about it. And every free (and not free) dollar I had I spent on it. But, miraculously one day I just didn't want to do it anymore. It didn't make me feel like it used to. It made me paranoid, I was having chest pains after every hit. I basically thought I was going to die. I genuinely could not smoke it anymore, and I quit just like I did coke. Cold turkey. Of course I did it off an on, but at this point I haven't done that in almost a year.
Here's where the fun starts though. In the summer of '07 I discovered the "joys" of opiates. It was all OC at first. Eventually I did my first bump of Heroin and then that opened up a whole new "life" into drugs. I started just once a week maybe, and then 3 times a week, and it has recently escalated in the last 4 or so months into every day.
I prefer to snort it, maybe that's because I faint when I see a needle and couldn't imagine sticking any needle in myself. On average I do only about a 40 OC a day, but I mainly use it to cut with the H. So I guess the combination is my DOC.
Recently a lot of things I have been coming to a head. I haven't had the money to support my daily habit. I've pulled scams, I've stolen, I've pawned things that were mine. Anything when I don't have the money myself.
I can genuinely say I hate my life. 2 months ago I seriously considered suicide and had a hand full of pills in my mouth before I spit them out. Every day I wake up I feel hopeless, sick, worried about the future, depressed as hell.
I guess I'm what you would call a "functioning" addict. I have my own Internet business, which isn't doing so well anymore but not bad and definitely recoup-able. Just school loans and stuff have started to come down on me hard, hence having no money. I'm still be responsible and paying them because my gma co-signed them and I HAVE to, no questions asked.
In reality I have a pretty good future if I just apply myself. I've always over-achieved even in the midst of doing a lot of drugs. My parents and brother really have NO idea about my lifestyle. They don't ask questions, and I don't tell them.
I have one person who is my best friend who I use with. I've known him since 9th grade and he's been through it all, all the stages, right along with me. I know it sounds stupid but he's the only one I have to turn to, that truly understand what I'm feeling. We've always been there for each other in good and bad times.
Long story short. I'm sick of my life. I'm sick of going around in circles, kicking one drug only to find another. I need help. I need the support of people who have been there done that.
It's been 4 days since the last time I used. Today I can finally raise my head off the pillow for something other than to run to the bathroom. I'm completely cold turkey. No subs, no benzos, no sleep aid, not even immodium (how little it works). All I have is a half empty bottle of Aleve, and no money for anything else.
Now to make matters worse one of my dealers just called me and said he could "hook me up".. I know I am going to do it.. It just sucks 4 days of pure pain for nothing though. It just sucks. I don't know where to go from here.
I feel lost lost, alone, and every other emotion accept anything that has to do with happiness. I'm at the end of my rope. I know I can't keep living like this, but I don't know how to stop. AA or NA or detox any rehab is not really an option. I have too many responsibilities with my work to be gone for a week, or 30 days or whatever.
I honestly dont even know why i wrote all this. I feel like nothings ever going to change. I've got to day 4 about 16 times now. I'm sick of this life. Its a living hell that I have no control over.
Anyway thanks for listening.. its a hella long post so i dont blame u if you didn't read it.
hopefully see you guys around,
Bryan
I've been sort of a lurker (guest) on this forum and have read some pretty awesomely supportive posts and advice here. Seems like a great place. THis is my first post here, and I didn't want to put it in the newcomers forum because I think this is where i belong.
I once said definitely i would never touch a drug. By the time i was a freshman in high I was smoking weed every day almost. The next thing I really experimented with was hallucinogens: paper, shrooms mainly.
By the end of 11th grade, me and my "best friend" since we in 5th started doing coke. He was rich and his parents were druggies too, so we literally had no limit. I mean, take 10k out of the safe without questions, no limit. So senior year I was doing coke almost everyday. The weird thing about that is I never got addicted it to it. I'm sure to some degree, but it was all fun and games as far as I was concerned.
When I graduated, I graduated with honors, and got a scholarship to a nice university and everything was cool. I didn't do any hard drugs from mid-summer to the end of my first semester in college. nothing. Of course, I smoked a little weed in college or whatever.
When I came back for break I ran into the same old crowd, and got sucked in.. this time even worse. They had started smoking crack some months back. My mentality was, well I quit coke just like that why would this be any different. Well you know the rest of the story... it was. Long story short, I maxed out a credit card, flunked out of school, and had to move back home and get a job.
Then of course, it just got worse. My dealer literally lived 1 block away. Every free second I had I thought about it. And every free (and not free) dollar I had I spent on it. But, miraculously one day I just didn't want to do it anymore. It didn't make me feel like it used to. It made me paranoid, I was having chest pains after every hit. I basically thought I was going to die. I genuinely could not smoke it anymore, and I quit just like I did coke. Cold turkey. Of course I did it off an on, but at this point I haven't done that in almost a year.
Here's where the fun starts though. In the summer of '07 I discovered the "joys" of opiates. It was all OC at first. Eventually I did my first bump of Heroin and then that opened up a whole new "life" into drugs. I started just once a week maybe, and then 3 times a week, and it has recently escalated in the last 4 or so months into every day.
I prefer to snort it, maybe that's because I faint when I see a needle and couldn't imagine sticking any needle in myself. On average I do only about a 40 OC a day, but I mainly use it to cut with the H. So I guess the combination is my DOC.
Recently a lot of things I have been coming to a head. I haven't had the money to support my daily habit. I've pulled scams, I've stolen, I've pawned things that were mine. Anything when I don't have the money myself.
I can genuinely say I hate my life. 2 months ago I seriously considered suicide and had a hand full of pills in my mouth before I spit them out. Every day I wake up I feel hopeless, sick, worried about the future, depressed as hell.
I guess I'm what you would call a "functioning" addict. I have my own Internet business, which isn't doing so well anymore but not bad and definitely recoup-able. Just school loans and stuff have started to come down on me hard, hence having no money. I'm still be responsible and paying them because my gma co-signed them and I HAVE to, no questions asked.
In reality I have a pretty good future if I just apply myself. I've always over-achieved even in the midst of doing a lot of drugs. My parents and brother really have NO idea about my lifestyle. They don't ask questions, and I don't tell them.
I have one person who is my best friend who I use with. I've known him since 9th grade and he's been through it all, all the stages, right along with me. I know it sounds stupid but he's the only one I have to turn to, that truly understand what I'm feeling. We've always been there for each other in good and bad times.
Long story short. I'm sick of my life. I'm sick of going around in circles, kicking one drug only to find another. I need help. I need the support of people who have been there done that.
It's been 4 days since the last time I used. Today I can finally raise my head off the pillow for something other than to run to the bathroom. I'm completely cold turkey. No subs, no benzos, no sleep aid, not even immodium (how little it works). All I have is a half empty bottle of Aleve, and no money for anything else.
Now to make matters worse one of my dealers just called me and said he could "hook me up".. I know I am going to do it.. It just sucks 4 days of pure pain for nothing though. It just sucks. I don't know where to go from here.
I feel lost lost, alone, and every other emotion accept anything that has to do with happiness. I'm at the end of my rope. I know I can't keep living like this, but I don't know how to stop. AA or NA or detox any rehab is not really an option. I have too many responsibilities with my work to be gone for a week, or 30 days or whatever.
I honestly dont even know why i wrote all this. I feel like nothings ever going to change. I've got to day 4 about 16 times now. I'm sick of this life. Its a living hell that I have no control over.
Anyway thanks for listening.. its a hella long post so i dont blame u if you didn't read it.
hopefully see you guys around,
Bryan
Over Analyzing and Paranoia
I've been thinking lately (likely my problem right there), and I can't decide if I'm being paranoid or simply over analyzing the situation. In the end it doesn't matter, because it is what it is.
The issue: I left my AH well over a month ago, and he shut off the credit card and closed our joint bank accounts. Now, I know that this could be a perfectly "normal" reaction to having your spouse pack up and leave you, but I can't help feeling that it's a control issue with him. He's trying to force me to have to go back to him by removing any support prior to me getting on my feet.
Something brought this up in my mind today. I have a tooth that's bothering me, and of course I don't have the money to go to the dentist. But, I should still be on his insurance. Do I have an insurance card? No. Do I have a health insurance card? No. Will I contact him so I can go to the dentist and have this tooth pulled? No.
I don't want to be paranoid, but I'm so far from trusting that he makes any decision based on sane thought processes that right now I can't help feeling this way.
The issue: I left my AH well over a month ago, and he shut off the credit card and closed our joint bank accounts. Now, I know that this could be a perfectly "normal" reaction to having your spouse pack up and leave you, but I can't help feeling that it's a control issue with him. He's trying to force me to have to go back to him by removing any support prior to me getting on my feet.
Something brought this up in my mind today. I have a tooth that's bothering me, and of course I don't have the money to go to the dentist. But, I should still be on his insurance. Do I have an insurance card? No. Do I have a health insurance card? No. Will I contact him so I can go to the dentist and have this tooth pulled? No.
I don't want to be paranoid, but I'm so far from trusting that he makes any decision based on sane thought processes that right now I can't help feeling this way.
A little victory and a little defeat… oh what a Friday night it was.
So, I've posted on other threads that I've had problems saying no to this guy who seems to have this weird spell over me. Last night I went to a party with him. It was a good party, not too many people and I knew most of them so it wasn't too uncomfortable for me. Well, I ended up having a couple of drinks and that means today I'm back on day 1, but I don't feel half as crappy as I did on the last day 1. I'm a bit disappointed in myself, but also a a bit more determined to stay sober.
The victory was nice though. He wanted to buy some coke, and clearly expected me to pay for it. I didn't have my credit card anyway, so no hope of getting any cash for it. He told me to go home and get it. I told him if I left I wasn't coming back. He backed off for a while then on the drive home he started again, asking me to buy the drugs and he even called his source and started setting it up, but I made my "no" stick, I told him I wouldn't buy them and if he wanted to get drugs I would drop him at his place and he could figure it out himself. Well, that wouldn't work because his fiancee was at his apartment waiting for him and was under the impression he was at a meeting for a professional society we are in (as opposed to going to a party with me while she drove 120 miles to see him and babysat 3 little kids... honestly if the woman had any clue what was really going on, I like to think she'd dump his sorry butt.... but then I actually do know what's going on and seem unable or unwilling to keep him out of my life). I ignored his begging and took him home. I'm so proud of myself for saying no to him and for not doing drugs, as well. Because there's a little part of my brain that wanted the drugs.
The victory was nice though. He wanted to buy some coke, and clearly expected me to pay for it. I didn't have my credit card anyway, so no hope of getting any cash for it. He told me to go home and get it. I told him if I left I wasn't coming back. He backed off for a while then on the drive home he started again, asking me to buy the drugs and he even called his source and started setting it up, but I made my "no" stick, I told him I wouldn't buy them and if he wanted to get drugs I would drop him at his place and he could figure it out himself. Well, that wouldn't work because his fiancee was at his apartment waiting for him and was under the impression he was at a meeting for a professional society we are in (as opposed to going to a party with me while she drove 120 miles to see him and babysat 3 little kids... honestly if the woman had any clue what was really going on, I like to think she'd dump his sorry butt.... but then I actually do know what's going on and seem unable or unwilling to keep him out of my life). I ignored his begging and took him home. I'm so proud of myself for saying no to him and for not doing drugs, as well. Because there's a little part of my brain that wanted the drugs.
No one to blame but me
Every time I think I've found the lowest I could possibly go, life surprises me with yet another slide straight into hell, with no one to thank but myself.
This time, I was about 2 weeks into sobriety. Peer pressure overcame my decent judgment though and I decided it might be ok to have a beer. This kicked off a 4-day drinking and drug binge. My companion through this 4-day binge insists he will pay me back, and I believe him. He has always kept his word about paying me back. However, he's never owed me $2000 before and he's even more broke than I am so I'm just going to have to figure out how to pay for this one on my own, until he can pay me back. I'm sure my credit card already loves the interest payments.
Now, what have drinking and drugs done for me?
The thing is, if it were anyone else I could have easily said no. Every time I do something that I know is a bad idea, this guy is involved. I fell for him ages ago-- perhaps a year-and-a-half ago-- but we've always kept it "just friends" because he has a girlfriend (though she lives about 120 miles away). And we didn't start out this way, we were good friends, we did fun stuff together-- movies, concerts, etc- studied together for our classes, and generally stayed out of trouble and worked hard in school. Then we started drinking a bit and everything has spiraled down hill. Neither of us can stop drinking, he's engaged to his gf and they have a baby but whenever he gets drunk he tries to kiss me and hugs me and tells me he's in love with me but he wants to be in his daughter's life and can't call off the engagement at this point-- I don't know if he means it or he's being manipulative or he's just drunk. I'm heartbroken because I really did fall for him-- first guy I've ever been in love with-- and it kills me that we can only be friends so I drink all the time to forget about it.
And I KNOW that he's not good for me, because he's got so much power over me that I drink and do drugs with him even though I know I shouldn't, and don't even want to. I know I'd be better off without him in my life at all. When neither of us are drunk we're awesome friends, we have so much fun just watching movies or hanging out and we're supportive of each other and we are good influences on each other. And then we get around alcohol and we both become idiots; he wants to do this crap, and either puts a lot of pressure on me or sweet-talks me into it, and I give in every time.
Now all I seem to do is drink and cry. I hate my life, I can barely pay my bills, and I'm miserable from the time I get up until the time I either start drinking or crawl into bed. I want to be over him; I want to be the person I used to be before I started drinking, back when I liked myself.
This time, I was about 2 weeks into sobriety. Peer pressure overcame my decent judgment though and I decided it might be ok to have a beer. This kicked off a 4-day drinking and drug binge. My companion through this 4-day binge insists he will pay me back, and I believe him. He has always kept his word about paying me back. However, he's never owed me $2000 before and he's even more broke than I am so I'm just going to have to figure out how to pay for this one on my own, until he can pay me back. I'm sure my credit card already loves the interest payments.
Now, what have drinking and drugs done for me?
The thing is, if it were anyone else I could have easily said no. Every time I do something that I know is a bad idea, this guy is involved. I fell for him ages ago-- perhaps a year-and-a-half ago-- but we've always kept it "just friends" because he has a girlfriend (though she lives about 120 miles away). And we didn't start out this way, we were good friends, we did fun stuff together-- movies, concerts, etc- studied together for our classes, and generally stayed out of trouble and worked hard in school. Then we started drinking a bit and everything has spiraled down hill. Neither of us can stop drinking, he's engaged to his gf and they have a baby but whenever he gets drunk he tries to kiss me and hugs me and tells me he's in love with me but he wants to be in his daughter's life and can't call off the engagement at this point-- I don't know if he means it or he's being manipulative or he's just drunk. I'm heartbroken because I really did fall for him-- first guy I've ever been in love with-- and it kills me that we can only be friends so I drink all the time to forget about it.
And I KNOW that he's not good for me, because he's got so much power over me that I drink and do drugs with him even though I know I shouldn't, and don't even want to. I know I'd be better off without him in my life at all. When neither of us are drunk we're awesome friends, we have so much fun just watching movies or hanging out and we're supportive of each other and we are good influences on each other. And then we get around alcohol and we both become idiots; he wants to do this crap, and either puts a lot of pressure on me or sweet-talks me into it, and I give in every time.
Now all I seem to do is drink and cry. I hate my life, I can barely pay my bills, and I'm miserable from the time I get up until the time I either start drinking or crawl into bed. I want to be over him; I want to be the person I used to be before I started drinking, back when I liked myself.
Dreading my AH Coming Home- Help!
Hi everyone,
I just wanted some advice about silent treatment from their AH. It has been 12 days now and we haven't spoken a word. 4 of those days were before he left to go out of town on business. Any other time he would have called to check on business things and to say hi and let me know he made it safely. But not this time. What started the silence is a conversation we had concerning me paying off a credit card for him with some of the money I inherited from my Dad. My Dad passed away on August 19th..so I have been grieving and very sad at losing him...you would think a husband would be there for their wife. But, all he has talked about since I got back home from the funeral ...is what and how much I will get? I wasn't worried about that...I didn't want to lose my Dad to get anything. I told him the money wasn't here yet and I didn't want to discuss money right now. Mind you he started drinking beer at 10am...He said he would pay it back..blah blah blah..which I know isn't true. I didn't fall for his game. I finally asked him if he feels I owe it to him...(which was dumb to ask while he was drinking..but sometimes you get more truth when they are buzzed than lies when they are sober.) He basically said yes...because i give you a nice home..things...and you want for nothing LOL! First of all we both run this business and I also have a part time job. So what we have we have built together. Anyway, I could see where it was all going...the control..the guilt and him wanting what he wants. Most of all for me not to have any money in my own name..that he can't touch. I can see through it and he knows it. I almost went into the can't you understand how I am still upset over losing my Dad and let me just have this time and love and support me? Then my brain kicked in and I realized i was talking to a beer can again Lol. Anyway, I said well I am going to take a bath..he said ok. I walked away. After my bath...I made him a sandwich and laid it on the table..he was watching tv. He didn't eat the sandwich and hasn't spoken a word since...so the walking away part must have gotten to him or he is still upset because his control didn't work.
I have enjoyed these 8 days alone, stayed busy working some..my GF and I went to movies..and out to lunches...also i was dancing to music in my living room Lol..i feel so free!! Now I just dread the drama that I know from experience is coming when he gets home. I would love to believe this time he hasn't talked or called, because he is thinking about what he did wrong and how it must have hurt me for him to bring up money...at such a hard time..but when my brain kicks in and not my heart Lol..i know he is just stewing and brainstorming about how to change my mind.
Oh well long story, but for those of you who have been there any advice would be helpful. I just don't want to dread and be nervous and be obvious about it when he comes home.... walking on eggshells in your own house sucks!
The post here are so helpful...I feel like I am not so alone in my struggles to understand the addiction and my part in it.
Thanks!!
God Bless,
Kitkatt :)
I just wanted some advice about silent treatment from their AH. It has been 12 days now and we haven't spoken a word. 4 of those days were before he left to go out of town on business. Any other time he would have called to check on business things and to say hi and let me know he made it safely. But not this time. What started the silence is a conversation we had concerning me paying off a credit card for him with some of the money I inherited from my Dad. My Dad passed away on August 19th..so I have been grieving and very sad at losing him...you would think a husband would be there for their wife. But, all he has talked about since I got back home from the funeral ...is what and how much I will get? I wasn't worried about that...I didn't want to lose my Dad to get anything. I told him the money wasn't here yet and I didn't want to discuss money right now. Mind you he started drinking beer at 10am...He said he would pay it back..blah blah blah..which I know isn't true. I didn't fall for his game. I finally asked him if he feels I owe it to him...(which was dumb to ask while he was drinking..but sometimes you get more truth when they are buzzed than lies when they are sober.) He basically said yes...because i give you a nice home..things...and you want for nothing LOL! First of all we both run this business and I also have a part time job. So what we have we have built together. Anyway, I could see where it was all going...the control..the guilt and him wanting what he wants. Most of all for me not to have any money in my own name..that he can't touch. I can see through it and he knows it. I almost went into the can't you understand how I am still upset over losing my Dad and let me just have this time and love and support me? Then my brain kicked in and I realized i was talking to a beer can again Lol. Anyway, I said well I am going to take a bath..he said ok. I walked away. After my bath...I made him a sandwich and laid it on the table..he was watching tv. He didn't eat the sandwich and hasn't spoken a word since...so the walking away part must have gotten to him or he is still upset because his control didn't work.
I have enjoyed these 8 days alone, stayed busy working some..my GF and I went to movies..and out to lunches...also i was dancing to music in my living room Lol..i feel so free!! Now I just dread the drama that I know from experience is coming when he gets home. I would love to believe this time he hasn't talked or called, because he is thinking about what he did wrong and how it must have hurt me for him to bring up money...at such a hard time..but when my brain kicks in and not my heart Lol..i know he is just stewing and brainstorming about how to change my mind.
Oh well long story, but for those of you who have been there any advice would be helpful. I just don't want to dread and be nervous and be obvious about it when he comes home.... walking on eggshells in your own house sucks!
The post here are so helpful...I feel like I am not so alone in my struggles to understand the addiction and my part in it.
Thanks!!
God Bless,
Kitkatt :)
What should I do?
My ABH called me this morning screaming in pain. He could not bend enough to go to the bathroom. He was in extreme pain even though he was prescribed morphine for what they thought was a pulled muscle in his groin area. I tried to pull together his "friends" to help out but with no luck. I decided to take him to hospital.
After 9 hours they admitted him with cellulitis. He is currently in serious condition as I write this. I took his credit card and went and bought him what he needed to stay for a few days instead of heading to his place. I also found someone to take care of his animals on the farm...I did what I could and left and went home,,,,my home...
While all this was going on my 28 year old son called me and he was mad....he said you will do all this for him and 2 weeks from now he will be treating you like ****....I told him that my resolve remains the same but this was a medical emergency....otherwise I would not be involved...
Is this a form of codependency? How then should I have reacted? I know that the day he is discharged he will be back to drinking....he will not find me there for him...and he is in denial...no doubt about it....but I do stand firm in what I will take and not take....I just did not know what else to do at that moment when he was seriously ill....
I just need experience to guide me and I admire the wisdom of this site,,,thank you for your input
After 9 hours they admitted him with cellulitis. He is currently in serious condition as I write this. I took his credit card and went and bought him what he needed to stay for a few days instead of heading to his place. I also found someone to take care of his animals on the farm...I did what I could and left and went home,,,,my home...
While all this was going on my 28 year old son called me and he was mad....he said you will do all this for him and 2 weeks from now he will be treating you like ****....I told him that my resolve remains the same but this was a medical emergency....otherwise I would not be involved...
Is this a form of codependency? How then should I have reacted? I know that the day he is discharged he will be back to drinking....he will not find me there for him...and he is in denial...no doubt about it....but I do stand firm in what I will take and not take....I just did not know what else to do at that moment when he was seriously ill....
I just need experience to guide me and I admire the wisdom of this site,,,thank you for your input
Day One
Last night I left abf at the bar, then I drove to his house and got the few things I had at his house. I guess I reached my breaking point because all I feel today is anger at him. I told him a long time ago that once I stop crying there's a major problem. Well today there are no tears..just anger. My cell phone is turned off, and when he calls I do not plan on answering the phone. Once the caller ID shows him calling I will go sit on the front porch to help me be strong enough to not answer the phone.
I will put his house key and credit card in the mail and sometime when I know he is not home, I will drop his wheel barrel off at his house. I want no reasons for him to try to come to my house to get anything.
Now it's time for me to take a step back and try to figure out why I allowed myself to accept things I never should have. While I love him with my whole heart, I know for my own peace of mind and sanity I have to :codiepolice.
I don't feel like going anywhere today so I'll probably spend a good part of my day lurking here.
I know in the long run, I'm making the best decision for me, but it's going to take me some time to get over this, yet I know I will.
I will put his house key and credit card in the mail and sometime when I know he is not home, I will drop his wheel barrel off at his house. I want no reasons for him to try to come to my house to get anything.
Now it's time for me to take a step back and try to figure out why I allowed myself to accept things I never should have. While I love him with my whole heart, I know for my own peace of mind and sanity I have to :codiepolice.
I don't feel like going anywhere today so I'll probably spend a good part of my day lurking here.
I know in the long run, I'm making the best decision for me, but it's going to take me some time to get over this, yet I know I will.
I am shaking and losing it
I don't know why I just don't kick AH the hell out. I can't take anymore of this ****. He ruins everything. All he cares about is himself. As you know tonight is my birthday. Yeah, we're broke. All I asked was he spend sometime watching tv with me, you know together on the couch. Well, he went on the other couch. But not before, running around doing he is own thing. My little boy mentioned lighting a fire in the fireplace and singing me happy birthday. I am crying out on the inside to be loved by him and I get shitted on time and time again.
He is just not worth it. I am tired of him, his addiction, covering for him, the lies I have told on his behalf. He can't even make an attempt to make my special day in anyway special. He is to F*ing self absorbed. I love my son but I regret marrying him. I was a strong woman who would have never put up with ****. I saw the signs early on and should've run before having a child with him. Now I am reaping what I have sown. He even had the freaking gall to yell I gotta leave here as me and my 5 yr. old little boy where going upstairs. After all it has taken to calm that little boy down from the weeks of seperation anxiety.
I spent my birthday night, crying in the dark of my bedroom. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him for what he has become. Once my emotions calm down, I need to get a plan on bettering both my son and I's life. It is all to obvious that having AH in the picture is nothing but pain and dissapointment, time and time again.
I can't believe I am here again. I just want to walk. I applied for a credit card and was praying it was in the mail. If I could only just get out of here for 24 hours at a hotel. I am seriously thinking that the only hope is to seperate.
I just don't know what else to write or say. I have never been so miserable in my life except for the death of my mother. But at least she died and I could grieve and go on. Maybe that is my way out, let this hell of a marriage die and move on.
To hell with him.
He is just not worth it. I am tired of him, his addiction, covering for him, the lies I have told on his behalf. He can't even make an attempt to make my special day in anyway special. He is to F*ing self absorbed. I love my son but I regret marrying him. I was a strong woman who would have never put up with ****. I saw the signs early on and should've run before having a child with him. Now I am reaping what I have sown. He even had the freaking gall to yell I gotta leave here as me and my 5 yr. old little boy where going upstairs. After all it has taken to calm that little boy down from the weeks of seperation anxiety.
I spent my birthday night, crying in the dark of my bedroom. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him for what he has become. Once my emotions calm down, I need to get a plan on bettering both my son and I's life. It is all to obvious that having AH in the picture is nothing but pain and dissapointment, time and time again.
I can't believe I am here again. I just want to walk. I applied for a credit card and was praying it was in the mail. If I could only just get out of here for 24 hours at a hotel. I am seriously thinking that the only hope is to seperate.
I just don't know what else to write or say. I have never been so miserable in my life except for the death of my mother. But at least she died and I could grieve and go on. Maybe that is my way out, let this hell of a marriage die and move on.
To hell with him.
