Archive for the ‘Critism’ tag
Really WEIRD day…can I vent here without critisism??
Wow, what a weird day. My brain is just totally confused & frazzled. I need to vent, clear my head so as to make logical sense out of all of this. Please understand that this is probably pure venting, not thinking too much into things.....just overwhelmed right now with emotions. I really can do without harsh critism.......so PLEASE just help me to figure this all out to **MY** best interest.
Let me start with yesterday. I had a REALLY WEIRD STRONG gut feeling that I should go to the magistrate's office to get a copy of my AXB 2004 police report, which if you remember, includes a warrant currently on him for not showing up for an arraingment hearing. This feeling came way out of the blue........I cannot even imagine WHERE this feeling came from! It just CAME. We had started a file folder last year, when he was wanting to straighten out his life, deal with this warrant, etc. I'm pretty good with legal stuff, and started digging up info & plans. He got scared half way into the process, and backed away. We needed to get a copy of this 2004 police report to find out what his BAC was (in PA, BAC matters alot as to sentencing/this is his 2nd offense in 10 years). He forbid me to going to the magistrate, he was afraid I was opening a can of worms. Anyway, we've been split up for 5 weeks, and yesterday I felt this URGENT gut feeling that I should get this police report NOW. I kept trying to fight this urge, thinking it was "codie"......I even asked God for a "sign" because Alon-On says I should not do such things....mind my OWN business, etc. So this morning, I called his mom and she said "This is the PERFECT TIME......you HONESTLY do not know where he is at if they ask, and if you feel in your gut that you should persue this, then DO IT". So, I figured this was "my sign". Some may think this is rediculous, but I just felt like it was what I needed to do, for whatever reason. Okay...got the police report.......after a very RUDE time at the magistrates.......ugh.....they didn't want to give it to me, then when I told them it was public record & the sherriffs dept advised me to go there to get it.....they finally gave me a copy.
Then, upon reading it, I was REALLY feeling horrible.......his blood alcohol level was .77........the LETHAL level is .50 for a NORMAL human...any normal human would be DEAD at .77.....yet my AXB was DRIVING with a BAC of .77. UGH!!!!! After reading the book "Under The Influence" I understand how an alcoholics body becomes tolerant to higher than lethal doses of alcohol.......but this info on the report just stunned me. It hit me SO hard as to how serious his desease is. If he is able to consume so much more than LETHAL level of alcohol, and still function to drive a car....then he is in SEVERLY bad shape........SICK beyond believe. It breaks my HEART!!!!!! And I was just bummed, thinking negetive....thinking "there is NO hope for this".
Was going through various emotions all evening. Discussed it with his mom, and we were like thinking worst case scenerios like the alcohol was going to eventually kill him, etc. I was just SICK......please understand, I LOVE this guy, and feel SO helpless!!!!!!!!
I kNOW........I didn't casue it, can't CURE it, etc.......but still have these emotions........ugh!!
Then tonight......totally out of the blue, after 5 weeks, he phones me. If you all remember, I phoned him last week, leaving a message on his machine. He didn't call back, so I just chalked it off as he preferred alcohol over me. But it was so odd that he phoned TONIGHT after all this crazy stuff, new legal findings, and severe emotions. I didn't mention the report, I just did not feel it was the right time, it will only scare him away more IF he is "ready" to deal with his warrant. He was vague on the phone, not admitting any faults or anyting, just saying he wasn't happy with his new apt, etc........and saying something about if he could find a ride, he would pick up the stuff he left here this weekend (I'm sure just an "excuse" to test the waters). I'm not sure, but from what I get, life isn't so great for him right now. But he is SO proud, and won't admit it.........he kinda wants me to BEG. URGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love the man with my whole heart, feel so sorry for his desease, and yes i am MISSING him BIG TIME!!!!! But I want him to GET HELP. For HIS sake (he already has health issues because of drinking, and virtually NOTHING to show for his life). I can't just turn him away. I just can't do it.
And I'm so unsure, given this new info on the police report, if I dare tell him. If I tell him right now that I did this & what was found (the high BAC level), he'll get super scared and RUN for sure, not wanting to face the warrant/dui!!!! How the heck do I HELP without ENABLING????????
My mind is just spinning.......so sorry if this post doens;'t sound right. I'm having visions of him DYING due to his extreme alcohol addiction & health problems (It's THAT SERIOUS).......yet also knowing that in order for him to ever hit bottom, I need to "let go".........URGH!!!!!!!!!!
Need prayers praYERS prayers, pLEASE!!!!!!!!!
Let me start with yesterday. I had a REALLY WEIRD STRONG gut feeling that I should go to the magistrate's office to get a copy of my AXB 2004 police report, which if you remember, includes a warrant currently on him for not showing up for an arraingment hearing. This feeling came way out of the blue........I cannot even imagine WHERE this feeling came from! It just CAME. We had started a file folder last year, when he was wanting to straighten out his life, deal with this warrant, etc. I'm pretty good with legal stuff, and started digging up info & plans. He got scared half way into the process, and backed away. We needed to get a copy of this 2004 police report to find out what his BAC was (in PA, BAC matters alot as to sentencing/this is his 2nd offense in 10 years). He forbid me to going to the magistrate, he was afraid I was opening a can of worms. Anyway, we've been split up for 5 weeks, and yesterday I felt this URGENT gut feeling that I should get this police report NOW. I kept trying to fight this urge, thinking it was "codie"......I even asked God for a "sign" because Alon-On says I should not do such things....mind my OWN business, etc. So this morning, I called his mom and she said "This is the PERFECT TIME......you HONESTLY do not know where he is at if they ask, and if you feel in your gut that you should persue this, then DO IT". So, I figured this was "my sign". Some may think this is rediculous, but I just felt like it was what I needed to do, for whatever reason. Okay...got the police report.......after a very RUDE time at the magistrates.......ugh.....they didn't want to give it to me, then when I told them it was public record & the sherriffs dept advised me to go there to get it.....they finally gave me a copy.
Then, upon reading it, I was REALLY feeling horrible.......his blood alcohol level was .77........the LETHAL level is .50 for a NORMAL human...any normal human would be DEAD at .77.....yet my AXB was DRIVING with a BAC of .77. UGH!!!!! After reading the book "Under The Influence" I understand how an alcoholics body becomes tolerant to higher than lethal doses of alcohol.......but this info on the report just stunned me. It hit me SO hard as to how serious his desease is. If he is able to consume so much more than LETHAL level of alcohol, and still function to drive a car....then he is in SEVERLY bad shape........SICK beyond believe. It breaks my HEART!!!!!! And I was just bummed, thinking negetive....thinking "there is NO hope for this".
Was going through various emotions all evening. Discussed it with his mom, and we were like thinking worst case scenerios like the alcohol was going to eventually kill him, etc. I was just SICK......please understand, I LOVE this guy, and feel SO helpless!!!!!!!!
I kNOW........I didn't casue it, can't CURE it, etc.......but still have these emotions........ugh!!
Then tonight......totally out of the blue, after 5 weeks, he phones me. If you all remember, I phoned him last week, leaving a message on his machine. He didn't call back, so I just chalked it off as he preferred alcohol over me. But it was so odd that he phoned TONIGHT after all this crazy stuff, new legal findings, and severe emotions. I didn't mention the report, I just did not feel it was the right time, it will only scare him away more IF he is "ready" to deal with his warrant. He was vague on the phone, not admitting any faults or anyting, just saying he wasn't happy with his new apt, etc........and saying something about if he could find a ride, he would pick up the stuff he left here this weekend (I'm sure just an "excuse" to test the waters). I'm not sure, but from what I get, life isn't so great for him right now. But he is SO proud, and won't admit it.........he kinda wants me to BEG. URGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love the man with my whole heart, feel so sorry for his desease, and yes i am MISSING him BIG TIME!!!!! But I want him to GET HELP. For HIS sake (he already has health issues because of drinking, and virtually NOTHING to show for his life). I can't just turn him away. I just can't do it.
And I'm so unsure, given this new info on the police report, if I dare tell him. If I tell him right now that I did this & what was found (the high BAC level), he'll get super scared and RUN for sure, not wanting to face the warrant/dui!!!! How the heck do I HELP without ENABLING????????
My mind is just spinning.......so sorry if this post doens;'t sound right. I'm having visions of him DYING due to his extreme alcohol addiction & health problems (It's THAT SERIOUS).......yet also knowing that in order for him to ever hit bottom, I need to "let go".........URGH!!!!!!!!!!
Need prayers praYERS prayers, pLEASE!!!!!!!!!
