Drug Rehab Options Blog

I had a rough day today. It started out good. I was up at 5am. Couldnt go back to sleep. So I amde myself a cup of coffee and a bowl of oatmeal.
Sat and just relaxed and drank my coffe and ate my breakfast here at SR this morning. Got ready for work. Was grateful I wasnt called out. Today will make a whole 16 hrs I got in this week. This is getting really frustrating.
Got to work..I was ok until the boss lady is trying to hurry us up talking about we can only have so much time to a room. And we need to be out of there by this time. Well she isnt counting the time it takes to walk across the dam hotel and go up and down 6 different floors. Stocking our carts..running back an dforth for crap thats not where it should be. Not addint our breaks in. WTF??!! I told her in so many words as nice as I could be that this is a bunch of shyt.
And she tried shorting me hours because she obviously had a hard time doing basic math. Changing time on my timecard. It took me 15 mins to explain to her that the time clock was behind an hour for 2 days. I felt liek smacking her in the back of the head to wake her up.

Got home...The kids are going friggin bonkers. I was coming out of my skull.
We went up to my aunts house for my lil cousins 6th bday party.
I just sat there for about an hour. Not really feeling like being in a house full of people and kids runnin crazy.

But I stopped and just started watching things around me.

The kids playing..Doing silly things. They started to make me laugh. Started talking to my cousins abotu stuff in general. We ate and I was just sat and watched some more.
I was watching how cute those kids are. How innocent and carefree they are. How funny and clueless they are.
I was watching how everyone was interacting. I stopped and just stayed there in that room. With everyone there in that very minute.
I was aware of my thoughts..my emtoions.
I made a point to be aware.
And it was the most content I have felt in so long.
It was just awesome. All the noise..the chaos..I didnt even notice it anymore.
I was just so happy to be there. To be a part of them. To be a functioning human being again.
It was like nothing else existed except what was going on in that house.

It was a good feeling. One I hope I can have more.

Anyway..Just wanted to share.

We are gettin ready for a supposed ice storm that is going to be pretty bad. Hopefully our power doesnt go out.

But if it does..We have each other.

Simple things. Its just the simple little things that make a difference.

Being away from my addicted ex and ending the relationship was difficult, but necessary. I fell in love with someone who took advantage of me in so many ways. Financially, Emotionally, Spiritually, etc. So if the part away is good for me, why am I still sad? I feel that living at home with my parents, starting over from scratch, barely making ends meet let alone able to save money to get my own place is really affecting me. I am sad because I don't have the time with work and raising my daughter to do anything for myself and though I am lonely, now is not the time to jump into a new love. I have so many good qualities, but all I see is loneliness and despair. His family has helped him set his life up again and he has a job and friends and still uses but I am stuck in a hole where I can't even afford a cup of coffee with a friend. Why did this happen, am I ever going to see the light again. I know this is minor compared to other posts, but I am so sad and need some advice. Has anyone been in my shoes? I really could use some words of encouragement. Thank you for reading...if anything comes to your mind, no matter how little...please post...Thanks

I came here to make a topic and ask for advice, but I got caught up in replying to a private message from back in September, and replying to a topic.

Instead of typing it all out again I'm copying/pasting both right now. I'm starting to think that being a part-time alcoholic is worse than doing this every day. I hope I make it through tonight because I want to embrace the addiction of being sober at the level I have drank in the past few days.

Oh, here are my messages. I'm tired of typing.

Reply to private message:

Thank you.
Sorry I'm so slow to reply, it's my first time logging in again.

I was better for a few months then sunk really low again in the past few days. I binge drink. Sometimes I go weeks without any. Then I go nuts for a few days and occasionally miss work.

I've been in such denial because I'm not a "normal" alcoholic. It doesn't control my life every day. It just grabs chunks of it and eats it up. But I've had enough of that.

I went back to AA on Monday but I didn't stay long. I was very uncomfortable and also going through withdrawal. I tried getting a cup of coffee but spilled some and burned my hands because I was shaking so much, then I pretended to go out for a smoke (believe it or not, I'm actually doing good with quitting smoking), and I just got in my car and drove home. I didn't drink that night. Or for a couple of nights after.

It's kind of ridiculous. I was in the one place in the world where I don't have to be embarrassed about my shaking hands. I'm sure most people in that room can relate.

But I started again on new years eve and I'm trying to survive tonight because I ran out totally, the stores are closed, and I couldn't drive anyway.

Anyway, that was a rant...more than I meant to type. I appreciate the private message and I hope things are still going good for you. I think I'm ready to end the denial and work towards something different.

Reply to post:
This is the first time I've honestly read or heard something that I totally relate with. ....

I was at my lowest point several years ago. I drink much less now, but when I do, it seems the result is worse. But it's not every day. Or every week.

I've learned to "maintain" my problem. And hide it from everyone, really well, I managed to quit smoking AND lose about 30 pounds in about 3 months. Everyone is amazed at how good I look. And they think "temporary drinking problem" a few years ago is gone. Because I keep it to myself now. When I'm in a social situation I have 1 or 2 drinks, then stop. Then I go home in finish a large bottle of vodka. And it goes on for a few days, I stop, go through withdrawal, and do it again a few weekends later. Nobody ever sees me drunk anymore. Only people online, this message board and many others, sometimes I read my messages the next day and I'm shocked and disgusted.

-not functioning so well right now....

I'm making a new topic now, that's what I came here for. Sorry for the repeat.

Wish me luck tonight everyone, I've gone through worse and I don't have it in me to reach out for help with friends and family right now. I don't want to disappoint anyone again. They all thought I was the 1 in million person that conquered alcoholism and began a successful social drinker.

I can't take that back now because I might want to go back to that fantasy sometime in the future.

Sorry for the crazy long topic.

My first attempt at sobriety was around a year ago.. I made it 100 days. After that I slowly got worse and worse and drank more and more. I graduated from a few benders a week to everyday. Also changed from wine to hard stuff. It's been a wild ride. but I am here again which I believe is a good sign. So I'm raising my cup of coffee and cheering day 1 of many.!

hi -

Got up this morning, headed out to the front porch...
USUALLY-
I sit in the sun, and let the pain medication start it's work for the day,
Have a cup of coffee, read the 'Daily Meditations For Women' while I wait...
... while looking across Butte and the Continental Divide.

but THIS morning ...
I step out, coffee and Hazledon book in hand...
and the neighbor's abf is yarking off her front porch.
(our porches are barely fifteen feet away from each other)
:yikes: EEEEEEK-a-lah!

*and a good morning to YOU, too, I say!*

So I spun on my heel, and went back inside.
And went to my BACK porch to have my coffee and 'greet the day'.

I picked up the phone and called my neighbor
(mty back porch faces her house across the alley)
and asked her if she was going to a meeting today.
And could I hitch a ride.

I haven't been to a meeting in a month or so ...
and really, I wasn't even aware I was doing it
but I've been 'around' long enough to know there must be a reason.

okfine.

So I go back out to the front porch later in the morning -
figuring the coast was clear, right?

And I step out into the morning sunshine
and witness a very verbal quite abusive eviction
of the woman across the street.
Who is also active in her addiction.

I'm teetering on the reality myself
(possible eviction and all that)
and to witness the thing like that ...
didn't take much to feel the makings of a cave-in, you know?

oh yeah. Need a meeting.

what a coincidence - I've already arranged a ride.
I'm already GOING...

So I go -
it's a good meeting...
a woman there had her week-old baby...
and I'd calmed down and centered before they even read the Promises.
Funny how that is, isn't it?

So anyway, yadda yadda meeting...
get home ...
and people proceed to come visit.
One after the other.

It was so amazing, really.
I was in continual company until about five o'clock
when a friend said I looked tired and they should go.
and it was like the meeting never really broke up.

I told 'em about what had happened in the morning...
I mean, right at my front step were CONSEQUENCES of alcoholism.
man ya-hooing off the front porch
and a woman getting evicted.
WIth much drama volume obscenity and ... drama.

Nothing like a divine reminder that THAT life can be had again ...

It's always only one drink away.

I spent the entire day so very unspeakably grateful
that that is not my life any more.

*pause*
I'm grateful to be sober.
And I'm grateful to be here.


:ghug

My AH and I are separated.

He invited us (my son and I) out to dinner with him tonight - just said that he missed us and wanted to visit. We had a nice time. No drinking, no drama. I enjoyed the evening.

As AH was dropping us off, I asked if he'd like to stick around for a while - have a cup of coffee. It was my first offer of the sort.

Nope.

AH said he'd pass. He wasn't angry or cold. Just said, "no." Then he smiled, gave me a hug, and said he'd see me later.

It hurt my feelings.
The old me would have pouted, cried, and had a long conversation with him about how bad his refusal made me feel - all with the ultimate goal of getting him to change his mind. I would have felt perfectly justified in all of these behaviors.

But I stopped myself.

I could attempt to control AH (as I've done many times before), or I could respect myself enough to accept his choices.

After all why would I want to spend the evening with someone that I had to coax and cajole into staying?

Maybe he wanted to leave so that he could drink.
Maybe he wanted to spend the evening alone.
Maybe he wanted to go to bed early.
Maybe he wanted to keep me guessing.

Who knows?

It doesn't matter why he chose not to stay.

For me, our separation is all about watching his actions instead of listening to his words - I just didn't realize how hard it would be to keep myself from trying to influence his actions.
I do it instinctively - I'm learning to be different.

Does anyone have any tips to share?

Hi all,

I'm in recovery for sex/love addictions as well as substance addiction. I've been celibate for over seven years. After much hard work in therapy and going through a two year bout with and illness and chemo, I feel healthy enough (relatively speaking, of course) to venture out in the dating world.

Last night, I met with someone from a dating site I am on, at a Starbucks for a cup of coffee. I have already met a few others and haven't had any sparks.

The "sparks" is the problem...I think. The guy last night gave me sparks...sexual sparks...but little else. Red flags went up when he mentioned he enjoyed porn. There were other red flags as well. Anyway, I was enjoying the thrill of titillating conversation way too much. He walked me back to my car and kissed me...tongue and all. I felt scared and withdrew quickly into the safety of my car. I drove home very confused...almost as if I had relapsed.

When I got home, I did a review (inventory?) of what transpired. I got centered again and realized I did not like this guy and do not want to see him again. It was only about sex and that's not what I want. So I feel the power of my autonomy again and know that I control my decisions (not how it was when I was active in my sex addiction).

But I feel a little disappointed that my mind could still "go there". I feel a little hopeless and don't know if I can ever feel safely "turned-on" again. I know I am putting the cart before the horse and need to develop a good trusting friendship first, but so far, the guys I like that way have zero physical attraction, and the one guy I found sexually attractive had zero trustworthiness (I felt fear, not safety).

Any input would be greatly appreciated.