Archive for the ‘Curse’ tag
A few things that may be helpful to those struggling to understand
Are you wondering when the pain stops?
The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.
The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.
The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.
The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.
The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.
The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.
The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.
The Pain Stops: When you are ready.
Letting Go
To 'let go' does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To 'let go' is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To 'let go' is not to enable.
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To 'let go' is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To 'let go' is not to try to change or blame another,
It's to make the most of myself.
To 'let go' is not to 'care for',
but to 'care about'.
To 'let go' is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To 'let go' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To 'let go' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To 'let go' is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To 'let go' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To 'let go' is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To 'let go' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To 'let go' is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To 'let go' is to fear less,
and to love more.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.
The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.
The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.
The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.
The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.
The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.
The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.
The Pain Stops: When you are ready.
Letting Go
To 'let go' does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To 'let go' is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To 'let go' is not to enable.
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To 'let go' is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To 'let go' is not to try to change or blame another,
It's to make the most of myself.
To 'let go' is not to 'care for',
but to 'care about'.
To 'let go' is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To 'let go' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To 'let go' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To 'let go' is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To 'let go' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To 'let go' is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To 'let go' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To 'let go' is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To 'let go' is to fear less,
and to love more.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Lies or truth
My fiance of 6 years and father to my 10 months old is on his way home last night. Im shaking sweating heart pumping cant focus on anything knowing Im going to be lied to. I have developed this gift/curse I call "cokedar." I know froma 5 sec phone conversation whether I need to look for eveidence of a slip up..I cant even call it that anymore because you would have to be clean more than a week.So he comes home has 5 cigs in 15 mins (sure sign of use) Just tyhe way he was acting I culd tell and I actually refused to believe his lie. I told hiM i wish I could believe hime but I just am smarter than that, He still denies it. Even though he was up late and blowing his nose alot telling me I dont want u to think I did ****. CAlled me today I gave himn the coldest shoulder I could muster. and hes just trying to be nicey nice....GRRRR Ive been living this hell for along time. I wish I was ignnorant or blissfully unaware but no go. I torture myself. I love him. Ive done nothing but want to help him. I have a list of naranon meetings for myself but I cant seem to get myself to go. Mostly cause I have no one to watch my son and wont leave him alone with his father for an extened period of time...how sad is that. Weve on the "last time train" for about a year. But I am coming to my wits end. Its is physically and mentally hurting me and my son. I wont allow my son to grow up in a home like I did with an addict of a difdferent drug my father killed himself with alcohol when I was 12. My fiances father killed himself with coke by the time he was 3. I wish I could type more I have alot going on in this stressed out head. I am hurt and scared I have no where to go. I dont know how to handle this anymore.
