Archive for the ‘D12’ tag
I am the definition of insanity….
AH and I tried reconciling again. Yesterday, alcohol took precedence over anyone's feelings yet again. Oh.....after the verbal abuse at the GROCERY STORE. I asked him to stop and when he didn't, I walked out.
I keep going back. Banging my head on a brick wall would be more effective I believe.
I'm fine for 4-5 weeks without AH these days. And then I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I don't see him.
This time, and I'm documenting here, I am NOT going back.
I DON'T NEED HIM.
MY KIDS DON'T NEED HIM.
Certainly not as he is...
I'm setting some short-term goals for myself....
1) I meet with my case manager at the DV center on Monday. I am turning in the paperwork for legal aid to assist with my divorce. Because there has been domestic violence, the income limit is higher and I qualify. I don't know how long it will take from that point, but it's Step 1.
2) I am going to be the best mom I can be to my two kiddos. My D12 already hates me for allowing her father in and out of my life. I don't know how much I can do to salvage a relationship with her but I can try. My S8 is very much a momma's boy yet.
3) I'm going to walk 4 times per week, attempt to start eating healthier and lose 10 lbs by New Year's.
4) When I get to the point where I miss my AH, I'm going to clean house. My kids' friends come over often these days and I want to be proud of our home. If cleaning doesn't help, I'm going to try to pretend he's dead. He's not, but he may as well be to me at this point. If that doesn't work, I am going to have a friend and my sister ready to come and pick me and the kids up and supervise me if need be. Left to my own devices, well....we see what's happened.
5) If I can't get to an Alanon meeting, I am, at the very least, going to read literature daily.
I don't care what it takes, I have to let this be the end. NOTHING has changed. NOTHING. My AH still thinks he can say and do whatever the hell he wants to me and I will NOT accept it. I won't. I am an amazing woman and he's a dang fool.
I am getting off the roller coaster....once and for all. I DO have a choice. It's okay for me to hurt next month....and I know it will come and I will deal with it differently. While I may not have a crystal ball, I can pretty much tell ya what's gonna happen if I go back.
This little corner of the internet is full of such amazing people and I'm learning...slowly but surely.
I keep going back. Banging my head on a brick wall would be more effective I believe.
I'm fine for 4-5 weeks without AH these days. And then I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I don't see him.
This time, and I'm documenting here, I am NOT going back.
I DON'T NEED HIM.
MY KIDS DON'T NEED HIM.
Certainly not as he is...
I'm setting some short-term goals for myself....
1) I meet with my case manager at the DV center on Monday. I am turning in the paperwork for legal aid to assist with my divorce. Because there has been domestic violence, the income limit is higher and I qualify. I don't know how long it will take from that point, but it's Step 1.
2) I am going to be the best mom I can be to my two kiddos. My D12 already hates me for allowing her father in and out of my life. I don't know how much I can do to salvage a relationship with her but I can try. My S8 is very much a momma's boy yet.
3) I'm going to walk 4 times per week, attempt to start eating healthier and lose 10 lbs by New Year's.
4) When I get to the point where I miss my AH, I'm going to clean house. My kids' friends come over often these days and I want to be proud of our home. If cleaning doesn't help, I'm going to try to pretend he's dead. He's not, but he may as well be to me at this point. If that doesn't work, I am going to have a friend and my sister ready to come and pick me and the kids up and supervise me if need be. Left to my own devices, well....we see what's happened.
5) If I can't get to an Alanon meeting, I am, at the very least, going to read literature daily.
I don't care what it takes, I have to let this be the end. NOTHING has changed. NOTHING. My AH still thinks he can say and do whatever the hell he wants to me and I will NOT accept it. I won't. I am an amazing woman and he's a dang fool.
I am getting off the roller coaster....once and for all. I DO have a choice. It's okay for me to hurt next month....and I know it will come and I will deal with it differently. While I may not have a crystal ball, I can pretty much tell ya what's gonna happen if I go back.
This little corner of the internet is full of such amazing people and I'm learning...slowly but surely.
Just sitting quietly in limbo…
I don't have Internet access at home at the moment but I considered posting a thread last night that I was moving on. I have Inet on my PDA but typing is so slow on it...I prefer to just read. :)
I left another sad Sally note with my AH on Tuesday, apologizing for what I did last Thursday, saying I don't know how to go on without him (because I don't) and telling him about S8 not sleeping well.
AH called last night and said he needed to push out the payment plan we discussed for D12's dental work. I've got a bit of laryngitis and I was surprised by his call and I just said okay. He said he was still planning to pay it and I said okay. I got a text message at the same time and we hung up.
He called back 30 minutes later and I answered. He wanted to know if I was saying something when we hung up. I wasn't.... Then I hung up on him at some point because he was being ugly. He was drinking and I wish I had the strength to NOT answer. Despite the fact that I love him and I want to be with him, I won't be with him the way he is right now. I can't. I'll be halfway to the funny farm by this time next week if I go down that road. Nothing at all was resolved in the phone calls and the last one was about why I wanted to get off the phone...you know, because my boyfriend was arriving at 1am. *sigh*
I was honestly ready to make a decision. I was ready to move forward and not look back, starting today. Seriously, could he sense that? It was just odd timing in my view.
I'm not making any decisions until I'm a bit more grounded but I'm at the want to want to make a decision stage. I'll get there. I'm confident that all is as it should be. I'm not settling, but I still love my AH. I'm just going to have to do it from afar for now. AH's problem at this moment is not consuming me, nor is it consuming the children.
Today I'm grateful that I get to keep my beautiful 15-month-old niece :Val004: while my sister is at the New Kids on the Block reunion concert! :lmao
I left another sad Sally note with my AH on Tuesday, apologizing for what I did last Thursday, saying I don't know how to go on without him (because I don't) and telling him about S8 not sleeping well.
AH called last night and said he needed to push out the payment plan we discussed for D12's dental work. I've got a bit of laryngitis and I was surprised by his call and I just said okay. He said he was still planning to pay it and I said okay. I got a text message at the same time and we hung up.
He called back 30 minutes later and I answered. He wanted to know if I was saying something when we hung up. I wasn't.... Then I hung up on him at some point because he was being ugly. He was drinking and I wish I had the strength to NOT answer. Despite the fact that I love him and I want to be with him, I won't be with him the way he is right now. I can't. I'll be halfway to the funny farm by this time next week if I go down that road. Nothing at all was resolved in the phone calls and the last one was about why I wanted to get off the phone...you know, because my boyfriend was arriving at 1am. *sigh*
I was honestly ready to make a decision. I was ready to move forward and not look back, starting today. Seriously, could he sense that? It was just odd timing in my view.
I'm not making any decisions until I'm a bit more grounded but I'm at the want to want to make a decision stage. I'll get there. I'm confident that all is as it should be. I'm not settling, but I still love my AH. I'm just going to have to do it from afar for now. AH's problem at this moment is not consuming me, nor is it consuming the children.
Today I'm grateful that I get to keep my beautiful 15-month-old niece :Val004: while my sister is at the New Kids on the Block reunion concert! :lmao
Just a blue day…
I took the kids to the dentist yesterday and I need $250 for D12's fillings that I don't have. She won't get additional benefits until March and I don't think they can wait they long.
I've been missing my abusive alcoholic husband. Having a few days of sadness and missing the good times. I don't want to go back but I'm stumbling a bit as I try to move forward.
I tried to contact him today to ask for money for D12's dental work. I left a message with his niece but he has not called.
I'm just sad. I know I don't wanna live like we did. I know he can't/won't suddenly be a good husband and father but it doesn't make it easier. I'm also angry. I didn't choose to be a single parent but truth be told, I have been one all along.
I suppose I'm having a little pity party. I'll go on and I will be fine...eventually.
I've been missing my abusive alcoholic husband. Having a few days of sadness and missing the good times. I don't want to go back but I'm stumbling a bit as I try to move forward.
I tried to contact him today to ask for money for D12's dental work. I left a message with his niece but he has not called.
I'm just sad. I know I don't wanna live like we did. I know he can't/won't suddenly be a good husband and father but it doesn't make it easier. I'm also angry. I didn't choose to be a single parent but truth be told, I have been one all along.
I suppose I'm having a little pity party. I'll go on and I will be fine...eventually.
