Drug Rehab Options Blog

I?m back because you guys were so non-judgmental with my first post. I think that I have the courage to post another, if you don't mind. I?m sorry that my posts will be all about me and that you will only get to see the crap side of Christin. I just need a place where I don?t need to be the encouraging, wise, and together one. Hope that?s okay.

I?m still trying to figure out why I decided to post on a sobriety site. Maybe, deep down I want someone to tell me (no, better put CONVINCE me) that the highs that I remember were never that great so that the desire I feel might just go away for good. I don't know if I can be convinced because a part of me doesn't want to be convinced. It's comforting (in a turmoiling kind of a way) to believe that they were that good, even though I know that I could never again know it. Maybe I'm posting here just because I want a place where I can confess these things that I?ve struggled with on and off all my adult life but have never told to anyone. I hate the way that I feel inside right now. But, I don?t feel like I?m in a place to make it all go away. I appreciate the suggestions for counseling. Am I the only one who doesn't benefit from counseling? Please... it's face to face, guys. I've got an image to maintain. It's not some whim of an image. It's what makes me who I am and who everyone knows me to be. It's the one constant that has kept me from screwing my life up royally and has enabled me not to drink for 20 years and not get high for an equal many years. It's been my blessing in disguise.

Confession time. My eighteen-year-old is drinking heavily and smoking weed. I?ve ?known? it for about a year, but he?s denied it of course. However, an appearance ticket arrived in the mail this past week. I am angry because of the choices that he is making and I worry for him because he is so much like me (but I tried so hard to be a good mother ? how could he be so broken inside?). He has abundant opportunities to score, which I never had. That is really scarey! That?s not my confession, though. God forgive me and please don?t loathe me as I admit something really pathetic. I?m jealous (that admission will make pushing the post button way hard!). I?m envious of society excusing youthful impetuousness and I begrudge the fact that my son is able to do what I struggle against because he has an excuse that is denied to me. Like I said, pathetic.

Please don?t lambaste me, even though I deserve it. I already have the encouraging, wise, and together Christin saying, ?Snap out of it! My God, you?re posting to a site comprised of people who would love to be in your shoes. Besides, it?s all in your head.? I even know that she?s right and I'm so sorry to all of you who have lived a hell that I have not had to suffer. I wish that I were stronger and that what I feel didn't eat away at my soul. I know that I?ll be able to repress everything and, eventually, I will get to the place where everything will seem balanced again.

Because that is not today, I thank you for the ?company? this Thanksgiving. Even though I?m typing this in bits and pieces on an off-line computer to post when I can get alone on the online one and you have no idea who I am, I feel less alone today as I prepare to feed twenty for Thanksgiving of which I?ll be the most together one, or so everyone thinks because they have to think that, they count on me to be. Again, thanks for listening and for ?keeping company? that part of me that is always alone regardless of how many are around.

Hi Im Sharon an Im An Alcoholic.

By the grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.

For that and you I am truely grateful.


For so long I thought I wasnt allowed
to have fun. I wasnt allowed to enjoy
life and all that it offers. If I laughed
or tried to relax and have fun, I was
scolded. The joy and excitement was
quickly snatched away from me.

So all my life I figured it was wrong
to have fun.

Boy was I wrong.....We r entitled ...I
am entitled to enjoy life and have fun
in life and more so in recovery.


How dare anyone tell me or you
otherwise. Right?

My family use to look at me with
a concerned look when i would
burst out in laughter. Or act
in a child like manner.....just
being a kid in an adult body.

Recapturing my childhood that
was snatch from me at an early age.

The would say, Mom behave urself.
Act ur age....etc. ....Well I was.
Just having fun, and why shouldnt I.
Right?

We all have been through so much
in our lives and only u know for
urself what it is.....For me, enough
holding me down....enough for taking
away my joy....I deserve it TODAY.
No matter how old you are, I am,
we all deserve to be happy and
enjoy all the benifits that life offers
us. And more so now that we r in
recovery. Right?

So.....Don't let anyone take away
your happiness. They dont have
a right to. Keep smiling and keep
having fun no matter what age
u r.

Thanks for letting me share.

"I have had enough of everything today! No one cares about what I think, what I want and they damn sure don't care about me as a person. How dare anyone try to tell me that I am wrong today because by God, I know I am right! So, I get angry once in a blue moon, so does everybody else. You don't have to put me down because my views, which are obviously right, though they differ from yours! Do you realize all of the work I have done for you? Do you realize how much I care for you and you do this to me? I am still anger for all of the crap you put me through and I damn sure will not forget each and every slight. Who was there for you when you where in pain? Me, you SOB! I am sick and tried of being called a Drunk, I don't drink anymore! I am tired of having my motives and actions questioned everytime I turn around as if you are some authority on life and in particular me. I sacrifice everything so you can be happy! I'll show you, I'm going to get drunk and it is your fault.

I was having a wonderful morning, driving to work. Nice and cold out and we even get snow; I saw patches of it along the interstate! Then I thought about all of the crap you have laid on me of late and it throughly pissed me off. Then I realized that it hadn't snowed at all! It was old insulation from some freaking truck that littered the sides of the road; that definitely lite my tail up! Phoney snow and nagging you. Look at how much money I spend on you and your stupid crap stuff. I pay all of the bills and you don't even say thank you. I do everything for your family and your screwy friends and no one cares. Do you know how much I have gone without for you?

I have had enough. I don't care. I want to drink by God and I am going to do it. In fact, I am moving every frigging dime to my account and I am going to the bar, one you don't know about. My God, I have every reason to drink now! No one understands me and you sure as hell are not helping me. I stayed sober so long and no one said one thing except a bunch of phoney crap, so I will show you. Sick of the nagging, sick of that AA, sick of the rules, sick of the whole thing. Now that I think about it, you obviously just don't know who I am.

You'll be sorry once I drink. You'll be sorry you made me do this, because I was right and you were wrong. I'll show you who the boss is. You just wait and see by God."


* This is a fictional account of a previous experience by the Author and in no way represents anything close to sanity.

Ron

This is very hard for me. I am a very private person but I need some support right now. I have my meeting today with my counselor and I know I want to talk to him about this but I'm afraid of what he will do.
I'm so ashamed. Everything with my addict boyfriend was going well. He was going to meetings and taking his meds like he was supposed to.
I saw him after work tuesday and he seemed good. An hour later I saw him at the bar so I called him. He got a new phone and he didn't have all his contacts so he asked me if I had someones number. One of his drug dealers. He tried to tell me a story and I started crying and told him "Please don't lie to me". He got so angry....he hung up on me. And then he texted me and said, "Don't you dare come here, I will be so mad." That hurt so much to feel his anger. I dropped my daughter of at his moms house. I texted him and he said you've said enough for tonight, leave me alone. I asked if he loved me and he said no. I sat outside of the bar....crying and thinking about how angry he was and how this was never going to change and how all I wanted was "him" and realizing I could never have it. I was so scared....so low....I knew no matter what, it was over.....he was so angry that he may try and kill himself. I would've made him do that.
I know I need to talk about this, I know I need to get it out but it hurts and I feel so much guilt and shame.
I slit my wrist. I texted him before I got too bad and told him I was sorry and that I was dead without him. I got out of my car and started walking. All I wanted was a place where I could be alone, where I could die alone. I was walking towards the woods near my apartment. He called me....several times. I didn't answer. Then he sent me a text and said "u call me now or never call me again". I called. I couldn't talk very good. I was shaking and crying....I couldn't breathe. I was scared. I just wanted it to be over. I don't want to feel this pain anymore.
He asked where I was. I told him I was walking. I was talking to him and he pulled up behind me and made me get in. He didn't see for almost a half hour what I had done. It was dark and the shirt I was wearing was dark so you couldn't see the blood. That hurt him a lot. I didn't want to hurt him....I just don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to feel the worry everyday of whether he's going to leave me here or not. I don't think he is repairable and that hurts so much.
Now that it is done, I feel so much more hurt...that I would do something like this. Not just think about it but cut myself. I'm trying my best to hide it with long shirts...I don't want people to see. I wasn't planning on having to explain it to anyone. Everytime I look at it, it haunts me. And what haunts me even more is that I'm even capable of doing something like this and that I know I haven't hit bottom yet.
I am scared. I just want this to be over. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm no good to my beautiful little girl. She deserves the mom that I used to be. She doesn't deserve this.
I don't know what to do.

Lost

Did you ever find that some days you read or hear the same thing over and over and wonder if it's a coincidence or your HP is trying to tell you something.

Twice today I have heard "You can live in the problem or you can live in the solution...it's up to you to choose."

And twice, not once but twice again, I heard that line from The Shankshaw Redemption `Get busy living or get busy dying`

I think someone is telling me to find some positive energy and start living my life as if it were worthwhile.

Or maybe there`s just an echo in here. :D

I think I will start by taking a drive in the country tomorrow and picking up some fresh vegetables and fruit at a roadside stand and maybe a fresh pumpkin pie.

And maybe I`ll take some time to stop for a new hairstyle, or at least a trim and a new colour.

My husband begins vacation Monday and we are heading up north of Lake Superior for a week....and I promise you I will be living well in my favourite neck of the woods hiking by day and nice drives looking for bear and moose, and then a nice hotel at the end of the day...with room service of course :D

A week of no work, no cooking, no housework....just living it well and enjoying each day.

Okay, so maybe we can`t all take a week off and head north, maybe I`m just having a lucky week....but you CAN get busy living if you set your mind to it.

How about you, I double dog dare you to get busy living well this weekend...and of course share it with all of us. :a122:

Tell us your plans to get busy living.

Hugs