Drug Rehab Options Blog

Well, I figured since there is a parent check in- I would start a check in for those who deal with addicts on the spouse/dating/intimate relationship level.

MY HB is in rehab after a 2mo. run (good)
He did it on his own (good)
I didn't enable (good)
He is making amends to return my stolen jewelry/get out of pawn (good)
He has plans to how he will recover (good)
He is willing to listen to my pain and how he hurt me (good). For the first time he stuck around long enough to hear how he damages relationships.

I'm depressed (bad) but working on it everyday by going to support groups and seeing a therapist (good).
I still hold onto hate for his actions (bad) but learning that's what addicts do (good).
I have set up boundaries (good) and was able to verbalize them without remorse or feeling bad (good)

Only one day at a time. I have stopped planning how my life will end up and giving it a time frame. Live for the moment and enjoy each day as it comes. Brace for the ups and downs and NEVER be surprised by another one's actions.

Happy New Year!!

I am newly wed, my husband always had dislikes against drinking. I have always enjoyed drinking. My typical way of drinking has been, have 2 glasses of wine as I cook and have dinner (I am a big foodie and love the combination of good drink with good food) about 5 days a week. I drink more if we go to friend's party etc, which is probably less than once a month.

He says he doesn't like me drinking because I get slow (vs. witty) and less attentitive toward him and gets emotional. He always had different "reasons" why he dislikes me drinking (one of them used to be that I may cheat on him while I am drunk, at the early dating stage, so I was allowed to drink only when he was around, even at home! He finally understant I am not the cheater, he doesn't say that anymore)

I feel I can drink less frequently, so I recently agreed on drinking just weekends and special occassions. He was supposed to be happy with that, but he is still unhappy and says he doesn't want to be around me if I drink.
I have never been told by anybody (parents, my teeage kids and close friends etc) that I am unpleasant when I drink, rather fun to be around.

He wants me to quit drinking completely and he thinks I can never do so
because he thinks I am an addict. I know I can totally quite (I have done so with past pregnancies and nursing etc). But I don't feel it is necessary other than the fact that I can prove to him that I can quit, which seems to me, the wrong motivation. To me, cutting back to weekends seems like a good plan.
I feel since my wine with good food is something I would call "hobby" it will elminate my eating fun too (BTW I dont have any health problem either, stay fit), he says I am making excuse since I can't quite.... What should I do?

I am pretty new here, and have not posted a lot of background, but basically I met this guy back in June - he was not drinking (2 years sober), but we were not dating exclusively, and by the end of the summer not really dating at all, he was getting serious with someone else.

Well, by August he was drinking, she was living there and drinking as well, and it spiraled out of control - he had her move out shortly after....but he was still drinking - after a total of THREE detox attempts (I was involved with the last & final - longgggg story) he finally quit again, and is 45 days sober (yay)

So, I should be happy, no?

Here is the itch....

During the couple of weeks before his final detox, and DURING it (which he did at home - I know, I know), he was never an angry or mean drunk, he just talked a lot of nonsense, made up a lot of BS grandiose stories, and did nothing really but drink and BS (lost his job, etc, totally not functioning)

I was there every day, as his friend, checking in on him and his pets, making sure there was food, etc. We talked a lot, and I supported his steps toward quitting - which he gives me a lot of the credit for.

BUT, during the drinking and early detoxing times - he was very emotionally open and verbally affectionate - he loved me so much, he wants to get married, blah blah blah. Now, I am not a stupid person, I did not for a moment think this was anything other than him wanting me to stick around, help him, etc. I did not BELIEVE any of it, any more than I believed any of the other stories I knew were total fabrications.

So, fast forward - 45 days sober, doing GREAT. I am quite proud of him. We see each other pretty much every day, and the few times I have not, it is because he is working and going straight to AA meetings, but we do chat on the phone. We spent the Thanksgiving holidays with his family, and are planning on doing the same for Christmas Eve.

But, ever since he was 100% sober....he has never said I love you, or referred to all the things he said. And yeah, he probably does not remember ALL he said, but I know he remembers some of it.

Now, at some level, it is a good thing - we are actually more in line with where we *should* be having dated for the amount of time we have. The things he said when drinking don't count, and I knew that then, and know that now.

But, still, sometimes, it sucks not ever hearing it anymore....and I sure as heck will not be the first to say anything like that to him.....I told him his sobriety needs to be his main priority, and as far as "us" he needs to be the one to set the pace.

I know I am not making sense, but after having heard him say all the things he did, it is hard taking the big step back - because HE was drinking when they were said, but I was not drinking when they were heard.

:sigh:

OK, I am divorced this December 18th. I have been dating this girl for about a month till we started having communication issues. When I ask her to clearify something that can mean more than one thing she tells me it is a common sense question and will not go any further. One example would be she wanted to take it real slow. To me that could mean many things. After about a half hour of not getting anywhere I had to come up with all the scenarios that real slow could describe. What she met turn out to be something totally different that I took it. She is real adiment about me not understanding her common sense questions and refuses to go any farther. Now my take is run as fast as I can this relationship is doomed, I know she would not be up for counseling.

From this can you see I am wrong wanting her to be more clear?

I am dating someone in recovery.

Well, I met him in June, he was 2 years sober...but had a relapse. He is sober again, 6 weeks. But, there are issues - I was very involved in getting him help this last time, and his sobriety and reliance on AA meetings has a tremendous impact on our time, and in turn, on my life....but I wonder if al anon is more geared toward those who have an 'active' alcoholic in their life, or is it also helpful for those with a 'recovering' alcoholic. So many issues are the same, but so many others are different....

This is my first post here, just discovered the web site tonight.

I have been dating (off and on) a man since June of this year. When we met, he was 2 years sober. We stopped seeing each other for the later part of the summer (he got involved with someone else) and during those few weeks, he began drinking (she was staying with him several days at a time, she was drinking heavily - secretly at first and then openly - and shortly after he began drinking as well).

We reconciled in September - first as mostly friends....he was still drinking heavily, though he had *detoxed* twice at the ER - both times he fell back into drinking almost immediately. When we were back in touch, he was drinking over a quart of vodka a day, and was not functioning (not getting to work, not eating, etc). Pretty much a mess, but asking for help.

I did help him locate some resources, and his last drink was 6 weeks ago. We have fallen back into a relationship of sorts - I do see him just about every day, and he knows he can talk to me about stuff he can't talk to his family about (he lives with family). He does not seem to have close friends. I spent Thanksgiving with him and his family, and he has referred to me as his "girlfriend"

So - there is a lot of stuff going on, and I am sure in time I will post about specifics. I am also considering going to an alanon meeting - though I am generally not a "joiner", I thought it would be worth a look.

But, here is my pressing question.

He goes to his AA meetings several times a week. Three nights a week, he goes to the same ones - where he gets there early and stays late because he sets up & breaks down the room. He also often goes on Saturdays & Sundays as well. So, basically, there are two nights out to the week he is not going. He was pretty much going this often when I first met him as well (before his recent drinking binge).

I totally support his going - I think he NEEDS to be going - and have not (and will not) ever say anything other than that to him. But...it is hard sometimes....it is hard dating someone who runs out the door almost every evening to go to his meetings. It gets lonely. I feel like I spend more time alone than I ever have before. I do have girlfriends in the area, and do meet up with them on occasion, but always have to attend things alone, and many many nights, I find myself sitting alone in my apartment, because he stops by but has to leave by 6:30 or so to go set up meetings. Sometimes he will stop by after one (though often he goes straight home) - but even when he does he is tired and distracted and I feel like I am walking on eggshells.

So, does anyone else have trouble with sitting home alone night after night while their SO/spouse is out at meetings?

If you read this far...thanks for listening :ghug

Ok so here it goes. My girlfriend smokes and I chew tobacco .... We both plan on quitting someday - sooner than later. I am accepting of her smoking. However, I let her know I would not have any long term plans with a smoker ... just my choice. She says she know she has to quit and it is a bad habit. I also told her that I am in no position to say anything about her smoking. I did tell her a couple times (early while dating) that when I quit and if she still smokes, I would not be able to spend time with her because I have fallen back on smoking when I tried to quit chewing in the past. She said she will cross that bridge when we come to it. Well the bridge is here and I quit .... she calls it "ridiculous" that I feel the need to not be around her now that she continues to smoke. Any thoughts from you folks?

I don't know if I ever shared my story since I started this Forum but......

I lived with my A for 16 years. He managed to hide the fact he had a problem for almost a year after we moved in together. I was shocked to discover I was with an A because I had avoided dating people with addictions all my life, as I had grown up in an A home. When I think back, there were lots of red flags that I chose to overlook as well as major chaos and drama from the beginning. But being a classic codependant, I welcomed the challenge to "help" yet another person find their way. I now realize it made me feel important and needed and guaranteed that he wouldn't leave me.

He wanted to get married within the first few months of knowing him, which I thought was too soon, especially because he had immigrated from another country and I wanted to make sure he wasn't using me for his own benefit. He eventually got his citizenship, but the idea of marriage no longer appealed to him. Another sign. He also wanted to have children right away, but I hesitated as I noticed the escalating drinking. I had promised myself as a child that I would never do what my parents had done to me by bringing children into such a dysfunctional system. Be careful what you wish for because I missed out on having children. As his disease progressed, he started to say things like children would be too much responsibility for him.

He never went out, he only drank at home but he had a routine. Work, cook a meal, watch a movie or work on the computer & drink just the right amount before he could eat (around 11 p.m.), then go to sleep. He resented any invitations we received to go out and so often I went alone and he would get angry if I suggested we do anything together as it would cut into his drinking time on his days off. I started to feel more like a roommate or a mother.

He was wonderful when he was sober, the meanest, vindictive person when he drank. He claimed he wouldn't remember what he had said to me the night before, but I could never forget the horrendous things that would come out of his mouth. I would take him by the hand and get him to A & D counsellors, which worked well for him, but he would never take the advice they would give him about attending meetings, etc. He went to treatment once for 4 weeks and he was sober for more than a year, but slowly started drinking again. He saw any attempt by me to help him as nagging.

His brother & wife lived in Texas and he would visit them often. They would always invite me and we got along well, but aside from going their twice, he would usually make sure to arrange things in such a way that I couldn't go with him as it would conflict with my work. He loved getting away where he could drink freely and not have me judging him. Often the brother would call me to check on him and ask if he was still drinking, but unfortunately he would give my partner hell and then he'd get angry with me because he knew we'd been talking and he'd cut me off from communications with his family.

His father is a serious A, who has even had a liver transplant and still continues to abuse it. He's almost died 6 times but somehow pulls through and continues to drink.

I tried everything known to mankind to help him, to change my behaviour - all the codependant things we often do, turning ourselves inside out trying to get him to change. I saw his potential and I wanted the best for him but I've come to realize it was more about controlling him so he wouldn't leave. Somehow I thought I could make him realize that the drinking was the only thing standing between us having a happy life together.

We separated several times but he would always ask to come back and I would let him. This last time, I guess I was getting so upset with not having a life with him and not being able to have the life I wanted that I kept asking him to leave, thinking he would move close by and we would continue to try and work things out. He surprised me and announced he was moving to Texas with his brother, who is very wealthy and can set him up in a business, with a new vehicle and a place to live. I guess his brother held out his hand to help him and he took it and replaced me as caretaker with his brother, is what happened. I just never expected him to go so far away, never mind to another country.

It's been over 5 months and for the first 7 weeks he called me every day, 3 times a day, just like he always had when he was away. Of course, each time, it was very obvious he had been drinking. I assumed from that he was missing me and wanted to work things out. I got a shock when he said that wasn't the case, he just didnt' want to be unkind as we'd been together so long. He said he'd be sending some money to help out with the expenses he left me with, and our cat & dog - food, vet bills, etc. but it never happened. In fact he stopped calling altogether for a month. Then he called one day and told me how happy he was that he had his work visa. I let him know it was inappropriate for him to be sharing how happy he was at starting a new life when I was still having to deal with all the fall-out from being left with bills, with having to move, with all the memories of him & I to deal with, having to deal with all the damage he did, while he went off to a new environment. I told him I hadn't suddenly become his best friend after 16 years. He got angry and said he should have known that I would try and "ruin" this happy day for him. I told him I was still missing him & loved him and he said he felt the same but then he started to get nasty and emphasized that he "liked" me and had only said the other because he didn't want to hurt my feelings.

I was enraged with his immature behaviour because I was the one that insisted we go apart in an amicable way and that there was no need to fight and be disrespectful. Afterall, it was the alcohol that drove us apart. I told him I hadn't wanted us to break up - it was the drinking and he said "I'm still drinking." He reminded me that I asked him to leave and this is what I wanted, now I have it. Then he said some quite disgusting remarks to me and basically told me he'd call me in a few days and never did.

So I'm feelng alot of guilt because I did not want him to leave; I wanted him to get well. In fact, he gave me a month's notice that he was going and so that last month was like a honeymoon. We did things together like we used to, we watched favorite movies, went to our secret places together..... laughed, cried, it was crazy. It was how it should have been all along. Then in that one phone call, he just demolished all the good communication we'd built up and in my opinion reduced our relationship to nothing.

He tried to call numerous times after that but I didn't pick up the phone and he didn't leave a message. I felt I deserved an apology and if he really had something important to say, he could have left a message, written an email or letter. I am just so afraid that if he talks to me, he'll say something even more hurtful that will have me in tears again and all the strength I've gained will be gone. This has been the most painful thing I've ever gone through and I don't want to go back to start the grieving all over again if he says something hurtful to me.

Anyway, I'm so sorry this post is as long as it is. Just needed to get this out. I'm wondering if anyone out there has any advice for me. Why is it I'm still half hoping he'll call, apologize and make this all go away? I just never thought he'd have the courage to follow through with leaving, much less going so far away. Do you think an A can just forget 16 years of a relationship like that? Can he just forget the life he had here, all our friends, the relationship with my family and especially the close relationship he had with my 9 year old niece who stayed with us every other weekend? She's devastated by the loss of her uncle and blames herself for him leaving. He couldn't even respond to a letter she sent him. Do you think there's any hope once they get sober/if they get sober of patching things up? I still have this illusion, I'm ashamed to say, that he'll realize what he's lost one day. Why am I going through all this pain, when it doesn't appear he's even looked back?

Thanks for listening.

Hey everyone,

It's been awhile since I finally broke up with my RAB. It was tough but I finally managed to see the light six months ago with SoberRecovery and moved on with my life. We both agreed to continue to be friends and he ended up moving a couple hours away, which definitely helped with the healing process for me.

As much as I didn't want to be his friend on Facebook, I eventually gave in, accepted him as a friend and was able to see what he had been up to. It was really hard to see how he had easily moved on with his life while I was still coping. We kept in touch for a couple months before he started acting differently and I stopped hearing from him for awhile. Eventually, he sent me a horrible email in response to mine that was just asking how he was doing. I was just angry and never responded back. Yesterday, I get a notification someone had tagged him in photos, which I opened up and was surprised by. Well, he's with a new girl, he's drunk in the photos (we all know when our man is drunk), and there are a couple of pictures where he's holding a beer.

Now, it's been awhile since I've had to deal with all this stuff and I just need some confirmation because I'm not sure which route to go. He's only been sober since March and I know he shouldn't be dating or obviously drinking. As a friend, I am concerned he's going to ruin everything around him again. Do I email him that I am concerned and he can call if he wants to talk about some of the stress in his life? Or do I just look the other way and hope for the best? I don't want to walk down the codependancy road again but I'm not sure if this counts.

The more I type, the more I realize I might know the answer but I would still love to hear your opinion.

Thanks :)

I have been dating a drug addict for over 1 yr now. Our relationship has been a awful roller coaster. I have been in counseling now and finding out i am codependent. I of course love the addict (he used meth for years and went to rehab in another state for 2 months. when he got out he was smoking marijuana and drinking only. eventually he says the stress of things pushed him to use other drugs, drink hard liquor and use meth several times again) who is going away for 6 months to a residential treatment center. He had add and bipolar (apparently from the drugs.) He is in jail right now till he leaves for treatment (identity theft.) I have never dated an addict and dont know what to expect. He can be soooo mean, then at times he is nice. I do believe he loves me, but i do see he is a sick person. Not knowing what to expect after a 6 mo long treatment is scary. We will have very limited communication, mostly via mail. Im sad at what may be the only thing i can do (i have 2 young children and his verbal abuse in front of them is something i wish to not tolerte any longer) is leave.

Any thoughts or advice is appreciated.

Yvonne