Archive for the ‘Dead Alive’ tag
I’m so tired
I feel like i've been runover by a truck. I havent slept much the last few days. AS will have his court date tomorrow and I really wish I didnt have to go because i dont even want to look at him right now. I dont want to cry anymore but i know i will when i see him. The pain that he has caused is just unbearable. I saw my doctor yesterday because i just feel so bad. She gave me some samples of a prescription to help with the anxiety and panic attacks i've been having and today said she would send in a small prescription so i could sleep. All I really want is one full night sleep and I know i'll feel the world better. I cannot wait till bed time when i can finally fall asleep and not wake up every 15 minutes - hopefully tomorrow with some real rest my mind will be more at ease.
I just feel nothing towards my son right now. Its a very dark feeling to have but he just hurt me too much this time. When I think of him i just dont see my child anymore - I've had to put up the photos i have of him because i cant look at them. I dont want to go through my life having these dramatic episodes of not knowing if he's dead or alive. I'm so scared that it will never end because no matter how much I emotionally detach its still me who gets called when there is a problem so I cant stay away from it. Yesterday I didnt even want to take his insulin to him in jail - luckily his PO said he would do it for me - the court seems to understand what this did to me this time so I'm thankful for that. I still have to go pick up his possessions from rehab but they said they would give me a few days because they also understood that i was at my limit right now.
This would be so much easier if it wasnt my child and was just someone i could walk away from. I love him and always will but somtimes i wish i didnt because its so painful loving a child who only has pain to offer.
I just feel nothing towards my son right now. Its a very dark feeling to have but he just hurt me too much this time. When I think of him i just dont see my child anymore - I've had to put up the photos i have of him because i cant look at them. I dont want to go through my life having these dramatic episodes of not knowing if he's dead or alive. I'm so scared that it will never end because no matter how much I emotionally detach its still me who gets called when there is a problem so I cant stay away from it. Yesterday I didnt even want to take his insulin to him in jail - luckily his PO said he would do it for me - the court seems to understand what this did to me this time so I'm thankful for that. I still have to go pick up his possessions from rehab but they said they would give me a few days because they also understood that i was at my limit right now.
This would be so much easier if it wasnt my child and was just someone i could walk away from. I love him and always will but somtimes i wish i didnt because its so painful loving a child who only has pain to offer.
