Drug Rehab Options Blog

Hi I am new and relapsed after approx 20 yrs of recovery.

I was bulimarexic before I got married. When I became pregnant and then married, I stopped cold turkey and never looked back. I guess I felt loved and a sense of responsibility to my baby and husband and self.

I got divorced - then a few relationships later, the last one to a demeaning addict, I ended up bulimic again.

This relationship ruined me on so many levels. I got counseling and went to Naranon but it hasnt stopped this rollercoaster of feeling like an unloveable failure.

The addict contacted one of my ex bfs who was abusive to me and decided it would be fun to terrorize me via emails and practical jokes. Part of the reason I ended the relationship is the immaturity of both of them.

I feel really bad about myself and feel hungry a lot. But even when i am not hungry i am angry at what a failure I am. i dont want to date or go out with friends anymore. After my marriage ended things got worse for me. I suffer from depression and anxiety but was doing well until I dated the addict. I started to get sick along with his illness. I had to get out of it.

I find myself angry so much now. I feel like a loser and useless and unloved. I wish I never got divorced seeing the kind of dating scene out there now. I dont even feel like trying anymore.

Counseling really didnt help - I tried but the two exes wouldnt stop harassing me and I felt more and more useless and hated. How could two adult men find joy in this? It worked. I wish they would leave me alone.

Please help me. I am so afraid.

Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome also referred to as wet brain often is seen in later stage alcoholics. This condition shows up on an MRI as a smaller less functional brain. The symptoms such as short term memory loss, inability to learn new things, inability to concentrate or focus could apply to a lot of things. I have never known anyone actually diagnosed with this so I have no real point of reference. Has anyone ever been diagnosed with this or known anyone who has?

Conditions such as Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome, depression, anxiety, older age and a lot of other things have much the same symptoms. When I think back on all the alcohol I consumed over the years I kind of wonder why I never developed this. I had an MRI done a few years ago and everything appeared normal. Again, has anyone ever met someone with this condition and if so how noticable and serious is it?

As most of you know I had about three months clean and was feeling a bit better every day. I had these weird dips downward of disassociation and severe depression but they never lasted more than a few days. I was medicated with Effexor (112.5mg daily), Klonopin (0.5mg-1.5mg daily) and Seroquel XR (50mg-100mg daily). I rarely took the Seroquel as it made everything generally worse and I kept the Klonopin down to a low-level so as to not develop a benzo dependence.

Fast-forward from August 23rd to around November 24th or so and I'm feeling really bad. Not just REALLY bad but worse than I've ever felt in my entire life. The meds are doing nothing anymore. I schedule an emergency meeting with the psychiatrist.

I explain everything to her. How I've suffered from bouts of disassociation/depression/anxiety for long periods (6+ months each time) since the age of 8. There is no reason for an eighty year old to suffer from these kinds of symptoms on a purely psychological basis, so she concluded, as I had many moons ago, that my depression is endogenous and almost totally physical in nature.

I explained to her how I had tried a long list of anti-depressant medication (illegally) before I found narcotics. None of them ever did a damn bit of good and the only thing that ever took my symptoms away was a moderate dose of opiate medication. I wasn't so much having a barnburner of a time taking opiates as I was just using them to feel some semblance of normalcy from the beginning.

After years of using oxycodone daily I never seemed to develop a tolerance, and though I always had enough money and enough supply to take more than 5-20mgs daily, I rarely, if ever, did.

Oxycodone gave me a life. It made me feel what I assume most normal people must feel like. I never really felt "high" (certainly not in the way most people describe) or out of control or anything like that.

After doing a lot of research I came to the conclusion that I have some kind of genetic endorphin dysfunction. A SPECT scan revealed that my brain activity was consistent with that of someone with extremely low (almost non-existant) levels of dopamine and endogenous opioids who don't respond to traditional anti-depressants, SSRI, tricyclic or MAOI.

While most people get progressively better as they remove opiates from their diet, I got progressively worse. Around the end of November I was so disassociated everything started to look 2-dimensional, like I was living in a world of paper. I experienced time distortion, event-continuity distortion and a host of other psychotic symptoms.

I gave in. I threw my toxic medication away and resumed my habit by insufflating 10mg of oxycodone. Within ten minutes all of my symptoms disappeared and I began wondering WTF I'd been doing for the last three months and why I even put myself through that hell to begin with.

I explained all of this to my psychiatrist and showed her some research I'd found on the internet about severe refractory neurosis being treated with opioids very successfully. She agreed with me completely; in that my quality of life and well-being was more important than outside opinions of my consumption and stiff prohibition laws. However, she was not technically allowed to prescribe these kinds of medications at her clinic (even though she legally is). She referred me to a hospital in downtown Montreal where they deal with this exact thing.

I have an appointment in early January and she said I could expect to be treated with Methadone and if it doesn't work I'd be supplied with my opiate of choice (besides diamorphine, obviously, not that I'd want it anyway).

The point I'm trying to convey here is that while most people who abuse opiates do so for pleasure, some of us do it out of necessity. Not once in my years of using Oxycodone did I consider using something harder, or using more than I was accustomed to because I had found a medication that finally made me feel like a human being and I didn't want to screw it up. I'm not condoning any of you go back to using, but I'm saying that a small minority of us that choose opiates may do so for reasons that are as legitimate as a diabetic taking insulin.

Well that's it I guess. I assume I'm still free to post here even if I'm not "clean"? :P

Hi

I wanted to strart this post as I have been drinking all my adult life (now 37). I went to AA, counselling, and tried to deal with alcoholism myself too unsuccessfully. I was always depressed about what i thought was the drinking.

2 months ago i decided it might be time to start thinking about how to end my life as it really was not living anymore and i could not get any better. At this point i decided i would have one more shot at it and went to a counseller.

I've been going for 2 times a week ever since and have been sober with no real hard cravings like when i tried to give up myself. I think in some way it has helped me to be told that i have been self medicating using alcohol to either in some part deal with the anxiety/depression/social anxiety and to some extent the issues i have with myself, which i am addressing now and will continue to do so at counselling.

I was prescribed anti-depressants (seroxat or paxil as it is known in the states), anatabuse and an anti anxiety pill for the weeks coming off booze.

I want to start this thread as i wanted to get some feedback on the above and also wanted to discuss users questions about my road to recovery which has, and i know will be now, successful. Fears on medication etc.

I would never have really considered what i have done to get to being able to sit here happy and posting in a sane frame of mind, post away please:-)

Well today is my 1 month anniversary.:a122: I guess I am excited about it. I am still dealing with a lot of things psychologically...depression, anxiety. But other then that I am really happy to have reached 1 month. I think that I have realized a lot of things about myself and my alcohol habits now that I am sober. I am really glad that I found SR only a couple of days ago. It has really helped me and the support I have received from everyone is awesome!!! Well I just wanted to share and hope everyone is having a wonderful day!! MUAH!!:ghug3

I decided 10 days ago that for my health and well being that I have to stop this insanity. I am trying very hard to get off the pity pot and do what needs to be done and forget feeling sorry for me. It is not easy to do I will tell you that.
Life can be so difficult at times to deal with, but I guess that is life and we are the only ones who can change it for ourselves.
I have a question, sobriety is the most important thing i know. what do we do about the stuff in our life we have no control of, people who keep hurting us, whether on purpose or not. What do I do when I know in my mind and heart that I need to get away from this person, but I dont seem to be able to at this point, mentally and physically. I have dreams of living by myself with my dogs happily, sober...but I dont' seem to be able to get off my butt and make things happen. Depression, anxiety, insecurity...how do we move from this and live. Leaving financial security when I do not even have employment right now. I have no place to live with my dogs other then here. Should I just do it, or do I concentrate on my sobriety and get stronger, will I get stronger ,or will I stay in this horrible rut. Every day I live with a husband who is distant and uncaring towards me. I have to deal with his ex wife who somehow found out bout my alcoholism and is tormenting me about it on the computer. I have so many issues of distrust and hurt from my husband, his daughter and his ex that I can never seem to get over. I would like advise on what I should do..take the leap and just go, and pray for th best that i stay above water or do I sit and plan,all the while hurting inside more and more...and how do i motivate my head and heart to get out of the mental rut I am in. I hope I am making some sense in what I am saying
Thanks for any remarks or thoughts on this.

I am very early in recovery from Alcohol. This is day 8 for me, been struggling with this for months now. I am putting all I have in me to make it. I so want that 30 day chip. Anyway. To me it is so confusing, is it the quitting drinking that I feel this way, am I that depressed, or anxiety, or combination. How do we figure out exactly what is going on inside of our minds. When I am around people, I seem to be fine, as I was for a couple days this past weekend. I come home and back down I go. I need to find work and don't have the umph to do it. I need to clean and do stuff here, but just do not seem to be able to do anything I need to do. I am on welbutrin and do not beleive it is doing a thing for me. I go see the nurse in a couple weeks and will see about that. People talk about depression, anxiety, bi polar, etc etc. Such confusing stuff when you are feeling you have no clue what is wrong. I have felt horrible bout me for along time and it is not lifting, I feel like I lost that desire to do stuff I need to do. But I am willing and okay to do what I did last weekend. and that was volunteer work. I need a paycheck, husband cut me off...How do I motivate me, get myself out of this rut, In my head I think if I was working making some money I would feel better, but here i am, still not working. Any suggestions appreciated, or anyone whom can connect.

Way to go Paulos!!:a122: That's a major milestone! I am proud of you!

:a194:

Having major depression anxiety and bipolar myself I know my staying sober is helping my depression. I'm so glad we're sober, aren't you!!

Hi,
I usually post on the friends and family members board. I have been reading here and want to know how people can survive "mental health" issues. I have had depression, anxiety and ptsd for as long as I can remember. Of course it was not diagnosed early on. I also have rotten discs in my back and a roaring case of fibromyalgia. So basically I am a walking billboard for all of the "diseases" that people don't believe are real. especially if they don't have them. Sometimes...I don't really believe they are real. I go back and forth with it. So here is my dilemma:

I hate when I have to tell people I am on disability. I hate when I have to explain to people why I look like I am going to barf from the pain. I Hate when people ask me "whats wrong?" when they have known me forever. I hate that I can't keep up with life and that sometimes I can't move for days. I HATE my part time, dead end job that just keeps me more stuck than not working. I worry that people think I am lazy, irresponsible, or just stupid. BUT....I realize that if I can't accept my own issues then how will others? I grew up being taught that if you didnt hurt yourself at your job, like you didnt come home everyday half dead, that it wasn't important and you were a slug. My last boyfriend acted the same. As if he would want his woman to bust her a$$ everyday. Always told me my job was not important etc...so I have to deal with this stupid belief.

I'm just sick of it all. doctors, appointments, pain, forgetting things, explaining, telling new shrinks and therapists my story over and over again and it doesn't help me. Meds that don't work, doctors that act like THEY don't even believe me, that stupid useless PAIN SCALE with the faces on it. "yes I feel like that last one" "no you dont, that's impossible" OK jerk then you tell me how I feel" My shrink is always 15-20 minutes late for OUR appointment and then looks at his watch every 10 seconds. LAst time I was there he did this and when I walked to my car he was already at his!!!! NICE!

I'm supposed to have a counselor, was told to wait for her to call me. She never did. Then I was told she was waiting for me to call her. SO I called her. Left a message, still no call. What are people supposed to do??? How can I NOT feel like my life is a complete waste of time? I've had enough. Always going through this. Seeing my friends who are also "sick" go through this. What's the point? I can't even seem to hold down a part time job and forget ever saving for the future or anything at all. People say do something to change it. Like what? Like I haven't tried and done everything I am supposed to do? Doctors passing me off as "untreatable". disability deciding my part time job makes me gainfuly employed when I live below poverty level. I have been living like this for years and I can't imagine this being the rest of my life.

I really don't see a way out of this and it makes me more depressed.

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to this wonderful community and so grateful
to have found SR. For the first time in a very long time
I feel I can speak honestly without fear of judgment. To
me, that alone is like a miracle. :wink3:

Seems I've read my story in dozens of different threads
here. The plot is the same only the names have been
changed. That's why I'm thinking maybe some of you
could share your wisdom regarding a question I have -
you've walked in my shoes.

So here's the question...

How do you forgive yourself? I know that God has forgiven me
and I know He know longer sees the sins I've confessed - even
though I keep reminding Him of them. Lord knows I've
repented of the same old sins more times than I can remember.

But I don't feel forgiven. And that in part is what has
kept me drinking for the past few years. Because even though
I know in my heart and mind I'm forgiven, I can't forgive me.
It's honestly been the biggest struggle of my life. My inability to
make peace with myself has taken me down roads I never thought
I'd travel. Depression, anxiety, fear, paranoia... pretty much constant
companions of mine.

Because of the shameful things I've thought, said, or done in a
drunken fog I don't feel I deserve any good thing - happiness, peace,
success, respect, etc.

I know I live under perpetual grace, but I can't fully embrace it. And
that is probably the biggest insult I could offer Christ. It's like "Thank you
God, for the ultimate sacrifice on the cross, but you must of been thinking
of someone else, not me."

And then I read on other forums that if I were truly a Christian I wouldn't
be an alcoholic. Or that I won't go to Heaven because there will
be no drunkards in Heaven. I've never questioned my salvation for a
minute so I know the above statements can't be true.

Then I read I don't need to forgive myself, God's forgiveness is sufficient.
I must be a really weak Christian because I just don't get that. I want
and need to forgive myself.

Is that so wrong? Please someone tell me how to do it.

pg