Archive for the ‘Face Of The Earth’ tag
lost girl again
im sorry to all my dear friends....Miss Rachel has no excuses...I fell off the face of the earth again, which im sure you are all used to....I have limited computer use....my husband left his job (thus lost his laptop which I used)....my oldest daughter tried to commit suicide and sliced her face to pieces with a razor blade...and ive hit the bottle again....trying to survive....but slowly killing myself...Im not expecting sympathy...because honestly I know some of you are going to beat me to death...Ive felt it before...so bring it on....I know Im wrong...so do with me what you will. More than anything I wanted to touch base and wish you a Happy Holidays and a Happy New year...and tell those of you who know who you are that I miss you and Love you...and Im sorry for being a dissapointment...but you are used to that.....
My love always...Rach
My love always...Rach
Personal Anonymity
I recall a time when using was fun. I remember the parties, concerts, cookouts and various social functions I attended and how almost everyone I knew was getting blitzed on something. I thought I was a "social butterfly" because I was well-known and got along with people from all walks. Although I've always been pretty bad with recalling names, it seemed like everyone knew me by name.
As my addiction progressed, my world seemed to shrink. Not in the sense that less people knew who I was, but I was restricted to only dealing with people I had to deal with or those I used with. My social life came to a halt and I cut ties with all those who didn't use like me. And by the time I got totally out of control, I was trying to hide in corners, alleys and back doors. I became a "vampire" because I rarely came out during daylight hours. In my sick mind, I often imagined that I was invisible and no one could see me slipping in and out of those "undesirable" places. Yet..my grandma's words would always echo in my head: "You know who you see...but you never know who sees you!"
Once I got clean, and came to NA, I learned about steps and traditions. I learned about, "what is said here, let it stay here." I also learned about principles before personalities. But here's something that I caught on to some years back, and it still amazes me - my addiction was never a secret and many people knew I had a problem long before I even knew it. Just because I tried to drop off the face of the earth didn't mean I was forgotten. I'm often spellbound by the folks who call my name or wave and speak (and I can't remember where I know them from).
So here's where I'm going with this; I often wonder whether there's really such a thing as personal anonymity. I mean, there's so many people that know who I am but I don't know them, it's crazy. Whether I'm walking into a mall, a supermarket or into the doors of a facility where meetings are held - I can't imagine that I'm anonymous. I'm an ex-felon so part of my history is public knowledge. Yet...as a rule of thumb, I don't go around announcing my NA membership status or make it a point to tell strangers I'm in recovery. That info is provided on a "need to know" basis, yet I don't deny anything. Most of my friends are in recovery (they got clean years before me) and the few that aren't were never addicts and don't use. We grew up together as kids.
Are you open with people when it comes to your personal anonyimity? How much do you think others know about your past ,whether it be your drug history ,criminal background? Is it ever Ok to hold back our past? Lets say with a prospected employer or relationship?
Just Curious.
As my addiction progressed, my world seemed to shrink. Not in the sense that less people knew who I was, but I was restricted to only dealing with people I had to deal with or those I used with. My social life came to a halt and I cut ties with all those who didn't use like me. And by the time I got totally out of control, I was trying to hide in corners, alleys and back doors. I became a "vampire" because I rarely came out during daylight hours. In my sick mind, I often imagined that I was invisible and no one could see me slipping in and out of those "undesirable" places. Yet..my grandma's words would always echo in my head: "You know who you see...but you never know who sees you!"
Once I got clean, and came to NA, I learned about steps and traditions. I learned about, "what is said here, let it stay here." I also learned about principles before personalities. But here's something that I caught on to some years back, and it still amazes me - my addiction was never a secret and many people knew I had a problem long before I even knew it. Just because I tried to drop off the face of the earth didn't mean I was forgotten. I'm often spellbound by the folks who call my name or wave and speak (and I can't remember where I know them from).
So here's where I'm going with this; I often wonder whether there's really such a thing as personal anonymity. I mean, there's so many people that know who I am but I don't know them, it's crazy. Whether I'm walking into a mall, a supermarket or into the doors of a facility where meetings are held - I can't imagine that I'm anonymous. I'm an ex-felon so part of my history is public knowledge. Yet...as a rule of thumb, I don't go around announcing my NA membership status or make it a point to tell strangers I'm in recovery. That info is provided on a "need to know" basis, yet I don't deny anything. Most of my friends are in recovery (they got clean years before me) and the few that aren't were never addicts and don't use. We grew up together as kids.
Are you open with people when it comes to your personal anonyimity? How much do you think others know about your past ,whether it be your drug history ,criminal background? Is it ever Ok to hold back our past? Lets say with a prospected employer or relationship?
Just Curious.
I really believed things would be different…
Today I had the WORST conversation I have ever had with the ex. He made me feel terrible. I didnt let him no that I felt that way. I am just heart broken. Stupid me still feels like this is gonna turn around. I keep thinking if he gets off the drugs he will see what he is doing.
I am so totally broken hearted. Today is my birthday. He never once mentioned it. Never said a word. Yet, he treated me as if I am the worse person on the face of the earth.
I told him to get the f out of my life. I am sooooo tired of feeling this way. I love this man so much and I dont know why anymore. He has not made one ounce of effort to show me ANYTHING.
I know that its the drugs I know that but it doesnt make it hurt any less. He again brought up how I owe him the rent money and how I am a thief. I just sat there. I just cant believe that the man I fell in love with would even utter these words to me.
I told him to come and get his crap cause I am tired of looking at it. He told me like 5 times dont worry I will be there tomorrow to get. I kept ok ok but he just keeps torturing me with it. Its like pulling a broken nail off the bed SLOWLY.
Do you think he knows how much he is hurting me?
I dont act this way to him.
I am so totally broken hearted. Today is my birthday. He never once mentioned it. Never said a word. Yet, he treated me as if I am the worse person on the face of the earth.
I told him to get the f out of my life. I am sooooo tired of feeling this way. I love this man so much and I dont know why anymore. He has not made one ounce of effort to show me ANYTHING.
I know that its the drugs I know that but it doesnt make it hurt any less. He again brought up how I owe him the rent money and how I am a thief. I just sat there. I just cant believe that the man I fell in love with would even utter these words to me.
I told him to come and get his crap cause I am tired of looking at it. He told me like 5 times dont worry I will be there tomorrow to get. I kept ok ok but he just keeps torturing me with it. Its like pulling a broken nail off the bed SLOWLY.
Do you think he knows how much he is hurting me?
I dont act this way to him.
Here’s the story – need advice
Ok, hereÂ’s the story and I need to know how to fix all of this . . .
I own two cars – 95 Honda my 27 yr old AS was driving that is now parked in my apt. parking lot, he claims it needs a clutch & a 95 Corolla I was driving that my AS now is driving (4-5 months.) I can get to work by bus and live w/my daughter that has a car so I hop rides w/her to grocery store, etc. I sadly think that if AS has car he can get to random UA tests required by court order and the job he claims to have and if worse comes to worse, live in the car (hasn’t happened yet.)
In the past 4-5 months I have gotten mailed 2 parking tickets he never told me about, claims he forgot to pay . . . Week & ½ ago he called and told me he was rear ended – really no damage to car. Claims other driver drove away, police & ambulance wanted to check my AS out, he had a cut over his eye and on his cheek. Says he didn’t want to be checked out, so he left as well???
Today 3 detectives from police show up at my apt., I wasnÂ’t home, daughter spoke with them and called me at work. I talked with them on the phone. They claim there was a hit & run yesterday involving my car w/male driver. I gave them my ASÂ’s cell phone #. Sent AS a text to call police. I called police station & spoke to detective again, they say it was in a Walmart parking lot, my AS had talked to them & hopefully they could meet up later today to look at the car. AS claims he did not hit anyone.
Last Thursday I took a check for $320 from AS & gave him $110 back – of course I’m sweating that the check clears. I’ve posted recently that I am not able to stop giving him money lately. I’m scared to death to say no – I’m afraid he’ll get mad & blow whatever $ is in his acct. so the $320 bounces. Yesterday I took a check for $125 from AS & gave him $80 back - I do not have the money to cover these if they bounce. I know I am the stupidest person on the face of the earth.
I’m afraid of abandoning him – He is supposedly passing the random UAs, so is he clean???? If he is clean, I feel guilty that I cannot provide a place for him to live and support him in his recovery.
My daughter is VERY angry that she was there today to deal with the police. (Two years ago when I, daughter, AS & AS’s gf lived together, our house was raided by the police for suspected drug activity by AS. I was at work that day as well & daughter and AS’s gf were home. Police were very aggressive w/drawn guns, etc. Nothing was really found so AS suffered nothing at that time.) Daughter & I have a shared cell phone plan – originally her plan, in her name w/my added line. In her anger today, she said give me your phone, you only talk to AS & you shouldn’t be. She also said get your car back in 2 days or I’m going to.
Can someone please tell me what to do? I obviously didnÂ’t do a very good job of raising him, of teaching him how to be an independent, responsible, functioning adult. How do I fix that? Can someone just come and handle my life for me cause IÂ’m screwing it up big time? Help me please....
I own two cars – 95 Honda my 27 yr old AS was driving that is now parked in my apt. parking lot, he claims it needs a clutch & a 95 Corolla I was driving that my AS now is driving (4-5 months.) I can get to work by bus and live w/my daughter that has a car so I hop rides w/her to grocery store, etc. I sadly think that if AS has car he can get to random UA tests required by court order and the job he claims to have and if worse comes to worse, live in the car (hasn’t happened yet.)
In the past 4-5 months I have gotten mailed 2 parking tickets he never told me about, claims he forgot to pay . . . Week & ½ ago he called and told me he was rear ended – really no damage to car. Claims other driver drove away, police & ambulance wanted to check my AS out, he had a cut over his eye and on his cheek. Says he didn’t want to be checked out, so he left as well???
Today 3 detectives from police show up at my apt., I wasnÂ’t home, daughter spoke with them and called me at work. I talked with them on the phone. They claim there was a hit & run yesterday involving my car w/male driver. I gave them my ASÂ’s cell phone #. Sent AS a text to call police. I called police station & spoke to detective again, they say it was in a Walmart parking lot, my AS had talked to them & hopefully they could meet up later today to look at the car. AS claims he did not hit anyone.
Last Thursday I took a check for $320 from AS & gave him $110 back – of course I’m sweating that the check clears. I’ve posted recently that I am not able to stop giving him money lately. I’m scared to death to say no – I’m afraid he’ll get mad & blow whatever $ is in his acct. so the $320 bounces. Yesterday I took a check for $125 from AS & gave him $80 back - I do not have the money to cover these if they bounce. I know I am the stupidest person on the face of the earth.
I’m afraid of abandoning him – He is supposedly passing the random UAs, so is he clean???? If he is clean, I feel guilty that I cannot provide a place for him to live and support him in his recovery.
My daughter is VERY angry that she was there today to deal with the police. (Two years ago when I, daughter, AS & AS’s gf lived together, our house was raided by the police for suspected drug activity by AS. I was at work that day as well & daughter and AS’s gf were home. Police were very aggressive w/drawn guns, etc. Nothing was really found so AS suffered nothing at that time.) Daughter & I have a shared cell phone plan – originally her plan, in her name w/my added line. In her anger today, she said give me your phone, you only talk to AS & you shouldn’t be. She also said get your car back in 2 days or I’m going to.
Can someone please tell me what to do? I obviously didnÂ’t do a very good job of raising him, of teaching him how to be an independent, responsible, functioning adult. How do I fix that? Can someone just come and handle my life for me cause IÂ’m screwing it up big time? Help me please....
Just Want to Say Hello.
Everyone;
Sorry I've been away for a while. I've been very sick with a viral infection. It kept me away from the computer for sure! I was thinking of everyone while I was away! I hope everyone's doing well. I'm going to slowly catch up on new threads and replies to old threads. I'm quite tired tonight so I'll keep it short and simple. Just wanted everyone not to think I dropped off the face of the Earth! I have not heard anything from ksos in a while. If I do get a message, I'll pass it on. If anyone else has heard anything since last week, please let me know (PM me). Thanks.
Love Always;
Jaz
Sorry I've been away for a while. I've been very sick with a viral infection. It kept me away from the computer for sure! I was thinking of everyone while I was away! I hope everyone's doing well. I'm going to slowly catch up on new threads and replies to old threads. I'm quite tired tonight so I'll keep it short and simple. Just wanted everyone not to think I dropped off the face of the Earth! I have not heard anything from ksos in a while. If I do get a message, I'll pass it on. If anyone else has heard anything since last week, please let me know (PM me). Thanks.
Love Always;
Jaz
