Drug Rehab Options Blog

Hello everyone. I've been reading this forum for a few weeks now, and you all seem very friendly and knowledgeable, so I hope it's OK if I jump right in.

My husband of 7 years is struggling with his addiction to opiates. He has abused alcohol and a few other things in the past, but it's the opiates that have really drawn him in to where he's gotten pretty messed up. He was drinking and using most of 2007, until we (our marriage) hit rock bottom around Xmas of last year, and he sobered up. (I took our 3-year old daughter to my mom's for a few days and threatened to stay there if he couldn't get it together.) He did OK for a while, but he has had several relapses in 2008, and most recently, I found out that he had been using again during most of October of this year. Around the first week of November, he got so messed up that he fell and hit his head hard enough to make me wonder if he had a concussion (he didn't).

I never know (though sometimes suspect) that he's using. He's insanely good at hiding it, and while I often have a gu feeling -- I've learned to trust my my gut -- he's so convincing when he lies to my face and says he's just tired/sick/stressed/etc. that I have often given him the benefit of the doubt.

This time is different though. I've had it. I can't even tell you how traumatic all of this has been for me -- how terrifying, horrifying, devastating, etc. -- so no more. I absolutely insisted he get help this time, and so far, he has attended one counseling appointment. He still needs to call to set up the second. I'm trying hard not to bug him about it, but this is exactly my problem. I don't know when to get on him about something anymore, and when to lay off. I don't trust him anymore. That has been the saddest thing about all of this for me. He's a great person, and I want to be able to believe what he says and know he's telling me the truth, but I just can't anymore. He is very bothere about that and says we can never move forward if I'm not going to trust him and believe him, but seriously, that's going to take a while for me. A long while.

One other dilemma: We both work at the same place, and we are both well-respected by our colleages. It turns out, though, that a coworker had been giving my husband all kinds of pain pills from a recent surgery she had. He told her he gets migraines, and because he has a good reputation at work, I'm sure this woman totally believes him. My husband begged me not to say anything to her (now that I know) but I don't know what to do. I'm not angry at the coworker because it's HIS problem, HIS addiction, etc. and she's not a bad person. I'm sure she just thought she was being helpful. I would like to talk to her privately, thoughm, explain that my husband has an addiction we're trying hard to deal with, and ask her please never to give him anything ever again. My husband would be very embarassed if I did that (though of course I'd ask her not to say anything), so I'm torn. Again, it boils down to trust. Do I or don't I?

I woke up this morning, Thanksgiving, and thought about all those people out there that are hurting today. Addicts and non-addicts alike. People who have lost their homes, their families, their dreams and even their hope. The ones that are in pain daily, but experience just a little bit more today because they are alone, because Thanksgivings past hold such warm memories of family and food and happiness, and they realize what they have lost. The ones that face today, without someone they love, a spouse or child, as they go through the motions and pretend happiness as they glance longingly at that empty place.

I stopped and prayed for those people this morning. I felt a longing to reach out and comfort them. But I know that I am helpless to change their lives.

But there is one thing I can do, I can pray. I can hold those people in my heart today, think of them, and because of those thoughts, appreciate how truely bessed I am in my life.

As each of you celebrate this day, please pause for a moment, and say a prayer for all of those who hurt today.

Happy Thanksgiving
B

I don’t like doing this but I felt like I had to put my whininess out here. I would have put it in Whiners Anonymous, but it’s a little too long (besides, I like using WA for more humorous complaints).


It’s not exactly a bad day, but not good, either. I'm starting to get that pseudo-panicky feeling (I’m not quite sure how to describe it)...like I just need to get far away from everyone (myself included). I drank a fair amount last night and want more tonight, but I'm not leaving the house to get any.

I'm not where I need to be in life. I do not know how to get to where I want to go. Organizational skills would help but I seem to be lacking in that department. I'm getting too old for this crap. I'm supposed to be a self-sufficient person. I hate depending upon people. I'm not even living on my own right now. When I was on my own, I was living in a crappy apartment making it paycheck to paycheck and wasting my "disposable income" on tons of booze.

I've never had a good job my entire working career. I have a degree and I flip burgers for a living. I am stuck working a low wage job with no hopes for better employment. As much as I told myself that I was not going to let it bother me this time around, I don’t know how to do that. All I’m doing right now is dreading tomorrow in that negative workplace. I deserve so much better than what I do now. I just need someone in this crappy town to give me a freakin’ chance. I am a great worker plus I can think for myself. I do not need to be micromanaged and I am dependable.

I am lonely. I am starved for face to face adult conversation. I do not know how to take charge of my “happiness level”. I cannot “think it and be it”. I cannot “fake it until I make it”. With each day that passes I feel like I know less and that means confusion galore. Nothing makes any sense to me--add that onto the fact that I’ve always felt out of place. I’m so tired of not knowing what I should do, of not knowing what will work for me.

This makes me so mad. I was creating art work again. I was getting excited about it. I haven’t done anything with it today because the motivation is simply not there. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just produce? The desire is there, but I don’t know how to get back what it is that I lost. I feel like there’s a part of me that’s a little dead inside.

So, I am moving forward but I don't really quite know how I am surviving, frankly. Thank god for my therapist, but I am still not doing well. I finally escaped the insanity of addiction and all of the chaos and lack of trust, love, confidence that goes along with it and I am alone. Totally, alone. When do I start to find peace? How do I face being here by myself? Maybe I am just having a pity party, but I don't think I am going to make it through this. What's the point?

I went to a meeting last week. Good to know there are others out there like me, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I went out today to do some errands, etc. and couldn't stand it. I was alone. Everywhere I looked were couples and families. Mom's and daughters. Dad's and babies. The holidays are coming and I can't barely get through "regular" days.... How do I do this.

I know intellectually that it would have been wrong to stay in a dead marriage and to be in the midst of all the chaos and "drug induced nonsense".... but at least I wouldn't be alone. I would have my kids with me. I am taking some action with a lawyer to try to "force" some time with my kids.... amazing to me that the kids are with him and all that pain that is happening in my world is because of that fool.

God, someone talk to me. I need to stop crying and get it together.

In twelve hours time I will hit the 96 hours sober, and although i have done this many times before if you have read my other post 'My heartfelt thanks' it's because tis time was different.
I make a point of the 96 hours as from my understanding it's the average time it takes the body to detox (I understand that this varies massively for many people).

I awoke this morning after five hours sleep, which sounds not very much, I know, but after only getting 3 hours in the preceding 72 was heaven, given my pillow was soaked, but it was a deep sleep without any bad dreams.

I have mixed feelings about the day ahead, I know I won't have the urge to drink when at home but am dreading my first shoot (I am a cameraman) as the crew always want's to go drinking afterwards.
I think for the first month I will make my excuses but eventually I am going to have to face my demons and be able to go with them and order an orange juice and sparkling water.

Well early days here, and thanks for your support.

I slipped this weekend. I was so proud of myself for staying sober for 5 days and making it through Friday Night, which was tough. I can't say I don't know what happened, I do. I chose to drink on Saturday afternoon.
So I feel like a loser, like a failure. I know I need to stop beating myself up and move forward and continue working on my sobriety, but I can't seem to quiet the noise in my head. One second I'm ok, the next a complete and emotional wreck. I don't understand. I know that the feelings will subside, I know tomorrow will be a better day but I am having a difficult time getting through this one. I don't want to drink anymore, I am so tired of feeling this way. I struggled with whether I was going to drink on Saturday for a few hours, but instead of coming here, finding a meeting or calling someone I went to the store and only bought a 6 pack. Thinking I would not feel bad if I JUST drank that and nothing else. Didn't work, I went over to a friends and continued to drink there. Continued to drink yesterday too.
It's getting to the point where the beer/wine doesn't even taste good to me anymore.
I can not stop the madness in my head right now, I feel like I am going crazy ...

So tonight at about 8pm I get an unavailable call. I didn't answer cause I know it's my ex-abf trying to talk to me. I check my voicemail and it was him, telling me he was in town cause he was released from detox today. He said he at the train station and was going to start walking towards the house. He made an appontiment for methadone on tuesday and wanted to talk. Now...he has nowhere to go seeing I kicked him out and he is not allowed at his parents. I listened to the message again. Then got up, and called the police. He has a warrant out in my town for not going to court last week. He stole and forged checks and I pressed charges. Anyways, I call the police...even though I really didn't want to have him arrested...I couldn't face seeing him on my doorstep again, begging me for help and another chance. I don't want him here. I gave him his chance last time and it didn't do any good. He still relapsed and stole from me again. First time, shame in him, second time, shame on me. I just knew if he came here he would end up convincing me to let him stay...even if it was for the night. So I told the police what was going on, that I didn't have a restraining order but he did have an active warrant and then we had to play the waiting game. They instructed me to not let him in and call if I heard him knock. They placed a cruiser near my home and we waited. I got a call from the dispatcher at 8:45pm to see if I had heard from him yet. I hadn't. So here I am...stressing out cause he's most likely going to be arrested on my doorstep and hate me forever...but I know deep inside I am doing the right thing for me. 9:15pm the phone rings, it's the police. They have arrested him. I am so glad it didn't happen on my deck. He must have been really close to the house cause I have made it in 1/2 hour by foot to the train. I really hope this is the right decision and that the courts will help him get into a program. I just couldn't have him here again and go through this whole roller coaster ride in a month or 2. I feel horrible for being the one to have him arrested...but I had to put myself first for a change. Did I make the right choice or am a a horrible person?:wtf2

Hey guys....just thought this might be a good topic for those of us who use either the 12 steps or AA and 12 steps as non-god people.

So....I have found it very important that I be very upfront with the members of the meetings I attend that I am not a god person. I don't like get in anyones face about it...but i do mention it on a regular basis. It really has helped to make the help I get more effective cause it helps people know what things clearly won't be very helpful to me when i am in trouble or in pain.

I have also had to be very tolerant of thier beliefs as they are tollerent of mine. I try to share how i would do something very similar to what they do in a way that doesn't tie to a "god". So we end up with an understanding of how we are really so similar even though our belief systems seem so different.

I also know who NOT to call when I am in trouble :lmao

I also find humor helpful...my friends who are god people will laughinly talk about my "strange" program..but it is laughter of love and companionship not of thinking i'm stupid or something like that. And I laugh about their strange programs too.

I've been very fortunate in this support I've found, but to some degree I did have to make some very strong efforts to make this happen.

Anyways...just wanted to share it for any of you who are trying to do the 12 step meeting thing.

:bday8