Archive for the ‘Family Members’ tag
10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
By Ed Hughes, MPS
The pain and suffering of addiction is not limited to the alcoholic or drug addict. Family members share a tremendous burden as well. Shame, guilt, fear, worry, anger, and frustration are common , Everyday feelings for family members concerened about a loved one?s drinking or drug use. In most cases, the family has endured the brunt of the consequences for the loved ones addiction, including the stress of worry, financial costs, and life adjustments made to accommodate the addicted person?s lifestyle. Addiction leads the addict away from positive influences of the family. The disease twists love, concern, and a willingness to be helpful into a host of enabling behaviors that only help to perpetuate the illness.
Family and friends are usually very busy attempting to help the alcoholic or addict, but the help is of the wrong kind . If directed toward effective strategies and interventions, however, these people become powerful influences in helping the loved one ?hit bottom? and seek professional help. At the very least, families can detach themselves from the painful consequences of there loved one?s disease and cease their enabling behavior.
Here are 10 ways family members can help there loved one and themselves:
1) Do learn the facts about alcoholism and drug addiction . Obtain information through counseling, open AA/NA meetings, and Alanon/Naranon.
Addiction thrives in an environment of ignorance and denial . Only when we understand the characteristics and dynamics of addiction can we begin to respond to its symptoms more effectively. Realizing that addiction is a progressive disease will assist the family members to accept there loved as a ?sick person? rather than a ?bad person.? This comprehension goes a long way toward helping overcome the associated shame and guilt. No one is to blame . The problem is not caused by bad parenting or any other family shortcoming. Attendance at open AA/NA meetings is important: families need to see that not only are they not alone in there experience, but also that there are many other families just like theirs involved in this struggle. Families will find a reason to be hopeful when they hear the riveting stories of recovery shared at these meetings.
2) Don?t rescue the alcoholic or addict. Let them experience the full consequence of their disease.
Unfortunately, it is extremely rare for anyone to be ?loved? into recovery. Recovering people experience a ?hitting bottom.? This implies an accumulation of negative consequences related to drinking or drug use which provides the necessary motivation and inspiration to initiate a recovery effort. It has been said that ?truth? and ?consequences? are the foundations of insight and this holds true for addiction. Rescuing addicted persons from there consequences only ensures that more consequences must occur before the need for recovery is realized.
3) Don?t support the addiction by financially supporting the alcoholic or addict.
Money is the lifeblood of addiction . Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair, loaning money, paying rent, and paying court fines are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use . Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently they experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help.
4) Don?t analyze the loved one?s drinking or drug use. Don?t try to figure it out or look for underlying causes.
There are no underlying causes. Addiction is a disease. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others . This ?paralysis by analysis? is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue of the illness itself.
5) Don?t make idle threats. Say what mean and mean what you say. Words only marginally impact the alcoholic or addict . Rather ?actions speak louder than words? applies to addiction. Threats are as meaningless as the promises made by the addicted person.
6) Don?t extract promises. A person with an addiction cannot keep promises. This is not because they don?t intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon their commitments . Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only serves to increase the anger toward the loved one.
7) Don?t preach or lecture. Preaching and lecturing are easily discounted by the addicted person.
A sick person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or intimidation . If an alcoholic or addict could be ?talked into? getting sober, many more people would get sober.
8) Do avoid the reactions of pity and anger. These emotions create a painful roller coaster for the loved one.
For a given amount of anger that is felt by a family member in any given situation, that amount-or more-of pity will be felt for the alcoholic or addict once the anger subsides. This teeter-totter is a common experience for family members?they get angry over a situation, make threats or initiate consequences, and then backtrack from those decisions once the anger has left and has been replaced by pity . The family then does not follow through on their decision to not enable.
9) Don?t accommodate the disease.
Addiction is a subtle foe. It will infiltrate a family?s home, lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up ones and other valuables, not inviting guests for fear that the alcoholic or addict might embarrass them, adjusting one?s work schedule to be home with the addict or alcoholic, and planning one?s day around events involving the alcoholic or addict.
10) Do focus upon your life and responsibilities.
Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one?s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned .
Each of these suggestions should be approached separately as individual goals. No one can make an abrupt change or adjustment from the behaviors that formed while the disease of addiction progressed. I can not over-emphasize the need for support of family members as they attempt to make changes. Counseling agencies must provide family education and programs to share this information. They must offer opportunities for families to change their attitudes and behaviors. The most powerful influence in helping families make these changes is Al-Anon/Naranon . By facing their fears and weathering the emotional storms that will follow, they can commit to ending their enabling entanglements.
The disease of addiction will fervently resist a family?s effort to say ?no? and stop enabling. Every possible emotional manipulation will be exhibited in an effort to get the family to resume ?business as usual .? There will always be certain family members or friends who will resist the notion of not enabling, join forces with the sick person, and accuse the family of lacking love. This resistance is a difficult but necessary hurdle for the family to overcome. Yet, it is necessary if they are to be truly helpful to the alcoholic or addict. Being truly helpful is what these suggestions are really about. Only when the full weight of the natural consequences of addiction is experienced by the addict- rather than by the family- can there be reason for hope of recovery .
By Ed Hughes, MPS
The pain and suffering of addiction is not limited to the alcoholic or drug addict. Family members share a tremendous burden as well. Shame, guilt, fear, worry, anger, and frustration are common , Everyday feelings for family members concerened about a loved one?s drinking or drug use. In most cases, the family has endured the brunt of the consequences for the loved ones addiction, including the stress of worry, financial costs, and life adjustments made to accommodate the addicted person?s lifestyle. Addiction leads the addict away from positive influences of the family. The disease twists love, concern, and a willingness to be helpful into a host of enabling behaviors that only help to perpetuate the illness.
Family and friends are usually very busy attempting to help the alcoholic or addict, but the help is of the wrong kind . If directed toward effective strategies and interventions, however, these people become powerful influences in helping the loved one ?hit bottom? and seek professional help. At the very least, families can detach themselves from the painful consequences of there loved one?s disease and cease their enabling behavior.
Here are 10 ways family members can help there loved one and themselves:
1) Do learn the facts about alcoholism and drug addiction . Obtain information through counseling, open AA/NA meetings, and Alanon/Naranon.
Addiction thrives in an environment of ignorance and denial . Only when we understand the characteristics and dynamics of addiction can we begin to respond to its symptoms more effectively. Realizing that addiction is a progressive disease will assist the family members to accept there loved as a ?sick person? rather than a ?bad person.? This comprehension goes a long way toward helping overcome the associated shame and guilt. No one is to blame . The problem is not caused by bad parenting or any other family shortcoming. Attendance at open AA/NA meetings is important: families need to see that not only are they not alone in there experience, but also that there are many other families just like theirs involved in this struggle. Families will find a reason to be hopeful when they hear the riveting stories of recovery shared at these meetings.
2) Don?t rescue the alcoholic or addict. Let them experience the full consequence of their disease.
Unfortunately, it is extremely rare for anyone to be ?loved? into recovery. Recovering people experience a ?hitting bottom.? This implies an accumulation of negative consequences related to drinking or drug use which provides the necessary motivation and inspiration to initiate a recovery effort. It has been said that ?truth? and ?consequences? are the foundations of insight and this holds true for addiction. Rescuing addicted persons from there consequences only ensures that more consequences must occur before the need for recovery is realized.
3) Don?t support the addiction by financially supporting the alcoholic or addict.
Money is the lifeblood of addiction . Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair, loaning money, paying rent, and paying court fines are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use . Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently they experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help.
4) Don?t analyze the loved one?s drinking or drug use. Don?t try to figure it out or look for underlying causes.
There are no underlying causes. Addiction is a disease. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others . This ?paralysis by analysis? is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue of the illness itself.
5) Don?t make idle threats. Say what mean and mean what you say. Words only marginally impact the alcoholic or addict . Rather ?actions speak louder than words? applies to addiction. Threats are as meaningless as the promises made by the addicted person.
6) Don?t extract promises. A person with an addiction cannot keep promises. This is not because they don?t intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon their commitments . Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only serves to increase the anger toward the loved one.
7) Don?t preach or lecture. Preaching and lecturing are easily discounted by the addicted person.
A sick person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or intimidation . If an alcoholic or addict could be ?talked into? getting sober, many more people would get sober.
8) Do avoid the reactions of pity and anger. These emotions create a painful roller coaster for the loved one.
For a given amount of anger that is felt by a family member in any given situation, that amount-or more-of pity will be felt for the alcoholic or addict once the anger subsides. This teeter-totter is a common experience for family members?they get angry over a situation, make threats or initiate consequences, and then backtrack from those decisions once the anger has left and has been replaced by pity . The family then does not follow through on their decision to not enable.
9) Don?t accommodate the disease.
Addiction is a subtle foe. It will infiltrate a family?s home, lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up ones and other valuables, not inviting guests for fear that the alcoholic or addict might embarrass them, adjusting one?s work schedule to be home with the addict or alcoholic, and planning one?s day around events involving the alcoholic or addict.
10) Do focus upon your life and responsibilities.
Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one?s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned .
Each of these suggestions should be approached separately as individual goals. No one can make an abrupt change or adjustment from the behaviors that formed while the disease of addiction progressed. I can not over-emphasize the need for support of family members as they attempt to make changes. Counseling agencies must provide family education and programs to share this information. They must offer opportunities for families to change their attitudes and behaviors. The most powerful influence in helping families make these changes is Al-Anon/Naranon . By facing their fears and weathering the emotional storms that will follow, they can commit to ending their enabling entanglements.
The disease of addiction will fervently resist a family?s effort to say ?no? and stop enabling. Every possible emotional manipulation will be exhibited in an effort to get the family to resume ?business as usual .? There will always be certain family members or friends who will resist the notion of not enabling, join forces with the sick person, and accuse the family of lacking love. This resistance is a difficult but necessary hurdle for the family to overcome. Yet, it is necessary if they are to be truly helpful to the alcoholic or addict. Being truly helpful is what these suggestions are really about. Only when the full weight of the natural consequences of addiction is experienced by the addict- rather than by the family- can there be reason for hope of recovery .
The Recovery Tree
I sit here and admire the Christmas tree. A tree that reflects 29 years of our family..Some of the ornaments are "hand-me" downs from family members long past. It’s the "special decorations that I look for. Tiny little hands that made this one, for mom and dad. Not something I would buy, but one worth any price; from kids’s of Christmases past.
They are all in my heart. The lights shine bright as they "race" in their programmed sequence. I remember when they just shone so bright…all through the night…and who could ever for get the bubble lights… But time moves on … the tinsel laid with such care …except way in the back where "who sees there anyhow" . The garland of colors, to enhance but not to overpower…the tree grows fuller year-by-year, with ornaments and memories.
And the gifts so many… The kids swear they never saw the numbers like that abound…to hear them tell it there was but one gift as children they had to share…could it be that gift was Love?
This year has been special…So many gifts…So many Thank-you’s on the labels…The tree is so fine…so much joy in the heart and in the mind…
But in another corner of my mind I see the glimmer of another tree. Not quite so pretty…but so dear you see. It’s my own special Recovery Tree. A tree of which I would like to say that grows each year…but the truth be told, there were some years which it diminished in size and a couple years it almost went away altogether. Now the tinsel is somewhat different…for it came from the "less than "store…to remind me of what once was…The ornaments are strange too...For the reflections tend to be distorted…I have to look very deeply to see who’s there…you and me…and who’s that there? Someone from the past…or deep from a glass…Each one has to be looked at to fully appreciate - the mysteries held inside…My tree is bigger than the year of last, for takes twelve steps to circle it round…then …you can start again… Though the ornaments seem dim and tarnished…each one tells a story…a story of recovery and what it takes to make this for me…just for today.
But what makes this tree so special are the Gifts …so many…wrapped in gold and silver…of ribbons of such colors…and within in them are Hope…Faith…Love …Forgiveness …Fellowship…oh so many…and Serenity…that’s special…But wait there are no Labels!!!…Who’s to get what and how many??? I’ve been told and I know it’s true…these gifts are to be given...to be gotten…for as we give, we receive…now isn’t that a strange lot…But then the recovery tree is indeed…uncommon …
So this year …as years gone by in the past…I have two trees…both in my heart…so on Christmas morn. Join me in gathering round the trees…so warm… may even find a cup of hot cocoa or ice tea…depends on the weather…and we can welcome that special day…as we unwrap our presents…. and give presents toothers,together. May you have Love and Peace that passes this ones understanding….
would you like to take a second and share a few of your recovery presents?
:Xmasmc
They are all in my heart. The lights shine bright as they "race" in their programmed sequence. I remember when they just shone so bright…all through the night…and who could ever for get the bubble lights… But time moves on … the tinsel laid with such care …except way in the back where "who sees there anyhow" . The garland of colors, to enhance but not to overpower…the tree grows fuller year-by-year, with ornaments and memories.
And the gifts so many… The kids swear they never saw the numbers like that abound…to hear them tell it there was but one gift as children they had to share…could it be that gift was Love?
This year has been special…So many gifts…So many Thank-you’s on the labels…The tree is so fine…so much joy in the heart and in the mind…
But in another corner of my mind I see the glimmer of another tree. Not quite so pretty…but so dear you see. It’s my own special Recovery Tree. A tree of which I would like to say that grows each year…but the truth be told, there were some years which it diminished in size and a couple years it almost went away altogether. Now the tinsel is somewhat different…for it came from the "less than "store…to remind me of what once was…The ornaments are strange too...For the reflections tend to be distorted…I have to look very deeply to see who’s there…you and me…and who’s that there? Someone from the past…or deep from a glass…Each one has to be looked at to fully appreciate - the mysteries held inside…My tree is bigger than the year of last, for takes twelve steps to circle it round…then …you can start again… Though the ornaments seem dim and tarnished…each one tells a story…a story of recovery and what it takes to make this for me…just for today.
But what makes this tree so special are the Gifts …so many…wrapped in gold and silver…of ribbons of such colors…and within in them are Hope…Faith…Love …Forgiveness …Fellowship…oh so many…and Serenity…that’s special…But wait there are no Labels!!!…Who’s to get what and how many??? I’ve been told and I know it’s true…these gifts are to be given...to be gotten…for as we give, we receive…now isn’t that a strange lot…But then the recovery tree is indeed…uncommon …
So this year …as years gone by in the past…I have two trees…both in my heart…so on Christmas morn. Join me in gathering round the trees…so warm… may even find a cup of hot cocoa or ice tea…depends on the weather…and we can welcome that special day…as we unwrap our presents…. and give presents toothers,together. May you have Love and Peace that passes this ones understanding….
would you like to take a second and share a few of your recovery presents?
:Xmasmc
my heart is heavy
My name is Maggie I am 61 years old I am retired. I worked 31 years at a state mental hospital. I have a husband we have been married 43years. I have 1 child his name is Jason he is 39. Since myself and husband were brought up poor we wanted everything for our son and he got anything he wanted. He finished high school and he wanted to be a chef so he went to school for it and did very well. The money was not that good so went to paint water towers. He fell and was hurt very bad. He was put on a lot of pain medication. After a while the doctor said he couldn't take all those medictions any more. So he started taking medication he got off the street. I told him this was not good but he said he new what he was doing. Well he did not know and got addicted to herion he didn't tell me or his dad but he got arrested and he had to tell. He went to rehab. came out went to the meeting and seem to be doing well. He hid his relasp from me and his dad. On Nov. 19th of this year we got a call from a girl he was with at the time saying Jason was dead. I was in shock didn't think I heard her right. Put my husband on the phone. When he put the phone down I know I heard right. My only child was DEAD. We rushed to her house the police were their and the amblance they told us he had died we ask How. They said we have to wait for the cornor to tell us. We tried to talk to the girl but she was just talking and talking and not saying anthing. Then we went home crying and beleaving it was a dream and we would wake up and everything would be ok. No so what we did do is go to the funeral home to arrange his funeral. People loved Jason 400 came to see him not one said anything of his drug use.
Now at the end of the day my boy died overdosed on drugs intead of having a happy long life. I have no heart now because I gave it all to him. It is all I can go to get out of bed in the morning. I never want to go outside but at times I have to go to the store for food. My husband and our family members are all walking around in a fog. I ask God every night why it should have been me I am old he had a lot of life left but not with drugs maybe God took him for a reason he did take him softly in his sleep. So if anyone reading this is a drug user don't think you know what you are taking because it my kill you so please try with all you have to stop.
I think of my son everyday missing and loving him.
Maggie
Now at the end of the day my boy died overdosed on drugs intead of having a happy long life. I have no heart now because I gave it all to him. It is all I can go to get out of bed in the morning. I never want to go outside but at times I have to go to the store for food. My husband and our family members are all walking around in a fog. I ask God every night why it should have been me I am old he had a lot of life left but not with drugs maybe God took him for a reason he did take him softly in his sleep. So if anyone reading this is a drug user don't think you know what you are taking because it my kill you so please try with all you have to stop.
I think of my son everyday missing and loving him.
Maggie
JFT December 13
December 13
Membership
?There is only one requirement for membership, the desire to stop using.?
Basic Text, p. 9
????=????
We all know people who could benefit from Narcotics Anonymous. Many people we encounter from all walks of life?our family members, old friends, and coworkers?could really use a program of recovery in their lives. Sadly, those who need us don?t always find their way to our rooms.
NA is a program of attraction, not promotion. We are only members when we say we are. We can bring our friends and loved ones to a meeting if they are willing, but we cannot force them to embrace the way of life that has given us freedom from active addiction.
Membership in Narcotics Anonymous is a highly personal decision. The choice to become a member is made in the heart of each individual addict. In the long run, coerced meeting attendance doesn?t keep too many addicts in our rooms. Only addicts who are still suffering, if given the opportunity, can decide if they are powerless over their addiction. We can carry the message, but we can?t carry the addict.
????=????
Just for today: I am grateful for my decision to become a member of Narcotics Anonymous.
Membership
?There is only one requirement for membership, the desire to stop using.?
Basic Text, p. 9
????=????
We all know people who could benefit from Narcotics Anonymous. Many people we encounter from all walks of life?our family members, old friends, and coworkers?could really use a program of recovery in their lives. Sadly, those who need us don?t always find their way to our rooms.
NA is a program of attraction, not promotion. We are only members when we say we are. We can bring our friends and loved ones to a meeting if they are willing, but we cannot force them to embrace the way of life that has given us freedom from active addiction.
Membership in Narcotics Anonymous is a highly personal decision. The choice to become a member is made in the heart of each individual addict. In the long run, coerced meeting attendance doesn?t keep too many addicts in our rooms. Only addicts who are still suffering, if given the opportunity, can decide if they are powerless over their addiction. We can carry the message, but we can?t carry the addict.
????=????
Just for today: I am grateful for my decision to become a member of Narcotics Anonymous.
Does it make me a bad person?
Hi, I just joined this forum and wanted to share my story and see if others have met similar people.
I am 18 years old, my brother is 24. He still lives with us and is addicted to heroin. He has been into drugs since he was 13 and my family members have never believed me. First it was weed, then oxycotton, and now heroin. He physically and sexually abused me for most of my adolescence. Before the heroin he was always a liar, a manipulater, and displayed the character traits of an evil person. Despite all of the pain he has caused my family, he remains the "favorite". My mother (a former alchoholic) is constantly making excuses for him and refuses to acknowledge what he has done to me. I always asked her to stop drinking, and now that she has, she said my brother is the reason she stopped. She has turned to sleeping all day from depression medicine and Tylenol PM now and is suffering from schizophrenia.
My brother has been arrested numerous times for destruction of property, selling drugs, having drugs on him, stealing, etc.
He has court tomorrow for violating his probation and he may go to jail.
Is it wrong that this does not bother me?
He has been in and out of rehab facilities and although I know it works for some people, it does not work for many, including him.
My parents have never given him any boundaries and I believe this is what led to his drug addiction.
Does anyone know of a person like this who changed from jail? No matter what my brother has done to me, I want him to be better. I want him to be a good person and among the flaws in his character, I want him to be clean. I want to see him suceed, and in time I want to be able to forgive him for what he was.
I'm tired of my parents paying so much money to put him in rehab when it does nothing. I'm tired of my brother trying to steal gifts I bought my fiance, a soldier heading to Iraq, for Christmas. I'm tired of having missing DVDs, and I'm so tired of hearing he has stolen yet another piece of my mothers jewlery.
I hope he goes to jail.
Thanks for listening.
Edit / I just realized I posted this in the wrong section, Sorry.
I am 18 years old, my brother is 24. He still lives with us and is addicted to heroin. He has been into drugs since he was 13 and my family members have never believed me. First it was weed, then oxycotton, and now heroin. He physically and sexually abused me for most of my adolescence. Before the heroin he was always a liar, a manipulater, and displayed the character traits of an evil person. Despite all of the pain he has caused my family, he remains the "favorite". My mother (a former alchoholic) is constantly making excuses for him and refuses to acknowledge what he has done to me. I always asked her to stop drinking, and now that she has, she said my brother is the reason she stopped. She has turned to sleeping all day from depression medicine and Tylenol PM now and is suffering from schizophrenia.
My brother has been arrested numerous times for destruction of property, selling drugs, having drugs on him, stealing, etc.
He has court tomorrow for violating his probation and he may go to jail.
Is it wrong that this does not bother me?
He has been in and out of rehab facilities and although I know it works for some people, it does not work for many, including him.
My parents have never given him any boundaries and I believe this is what led to his drug addiction.
Does anyone know of a person like this who changed from jail? No matter what my brother has done to me, I want him to be better. I want him to be a good person and among the flaws in his character, I want him to be clean. I want to see him suceed, and in time I want to be able to forgive him for what he was.
I'm tired of my parents paying so much money to put him in rehab when it does nothing. I'm tired of my brother trying to steal gifts I bought my fiance, a soldier heading to Iraq, for Christmas. I'm tired of having missing DVDs, and I'm so tired of hearing he has stolen yet another piece of my mothers jewlery.
I hope he goes to jail.
Thanks for listening.
Edit / I just realized I posted this in the wrong section, Sorry.
a few things i learned from my first AA meeting tonight
today is day 16 sober for me.
i was blessed to have a neighbor and her husband pick me up and drive me to the meeting.
it was an open meeting....for those of you who don't know, it means that there are speakers, and both alcoholics and family members of alcoholics can attend. the twelve steps are not worked. that is done at "closed" meetings where just alcoholics are allowed.
the only qualification for "membership" is the desire to be sober.
the theme for the night seemed to be dealing with anger and not letting it lead you to drinking. for alcoholics, they said, anger is not a luxury we can afford..........i think this is probably true, although i feel that our emotions are sometimes telling us things that we need to pay attention to. in the case of one speaker, he was talking about anger related to loss of loved ones and how he had to learn that death is a part of life, and drinking won't change it or make it better.
they also stressed working the 12 steps no matter how much you hate it.
one man also mentioned how he had had many great, fun years of drinking, but the alcohol just turned on him......made him a yucky person. so he's been sober 16 years.
alcohol definitely did this to me. i just became a yucky person.
so i have a lot of work to do. tomorrow night i am going to a beginner's meeting with a woman i met tonight. she's been sober 17 months. she lost her husband to the disease.
can you tell i drank coffee at the meeting with all this typing? how late will i be awake tonight?? i need to find a good movie or two to watch.
thanks everybody for reading!!!
i was blessed to have a neighbor and her husband pick me up and drive me to the meeting.
it was an open meeting....for those of you who don't know, it means that there are speakers, and both alcoholics and family members of alcoholics can attend. the twelve steps are not worked. that is done at "closed" meetings where just alcoholics are allowed.
the only qualification for "membership" is the desire to be sober.
the theme for the night seemed to be dealing with anger and not letting it lead you to drinking. for alcoholics, they said, anger is not a luxury we can afford..........i think this is probably true, although i feel that our emotions are sometimes telling us things that we need to pay attention to. in the case of one speaker, he was talking about anger related to loss of loved ones and how he had to learn that death is a part of life, and drinking won't change it or make it better.
they also stressed working the 12 steps no matter how much you hate it.
one man also mentioned how he had had many great, fun years of drinking, but the alcohol just turned on him......made him a yucky person. so he's been sober 16 years.
alcohol definitely did this to me. i just became a yucky person.
so i have a lot of work to do. tomorrow night i am going to a beginner's meeting with a woman i met tonight. she's been sober 17 months. she lost her husband to the disease.
can you tell i drank coffee at the meeting with all this typing? how late will i be awake tonight?? i need to find a good movie or two to watch.
thanks everybody for reading!!!
Thankful and sad
This is going to be long.
In my home it was wonderful and full of love, joy. My daughter spent a couple of hours making these cute cupcakes with edible turkeys on them. I think cupcakes have replaced Big Macs as her comfort food :)
When it was time to pray she was chomping at the bit and asked to say it this year. That took us all by surprise because she's straddled the line between being an atheist/deist for most of her 21 years. Her prayer was so beautiful we all had tears in our eyes and fought actually crying.
The sad part is because of my mom. She and my 46 year old sister have always been codies, though there's no substance abuse. My sister has been married 4 times, has two beautiful boys, and is probably mentally ill. She's always refused therapy because nothing is ever her issue. She has no friends any more. She manipulates and lies to get whatever she wants and this has going on for about 26 years if not longer. Recently she has run into what probably is her first brick wall. My mom is dedicated to trying to fix it.
My mom hasn't come to see her granddaughter yet (my RAD) after that nasty wreck. She kept saying she was trying but there's been one excuse after another. We insisted on buying her a plane ticket but then she found another excuse. My daughter really wants to see my mom and tell her about this damned addiction. At this point I'm not sure that's a good idea.
My mom and I have never really been close, she was never a mommy to me. Thankfully many of my family members saw it from the start and actually talked with me about it when I was younger. It was liberating and helped me keep putting one foot in front of the other.
That doesn't stop the sadness though. The relationship I have spent years working at with my mom is almost gone. We don't talk about my sister because she's in denial, 70 years old, and it's too much drama for me. In other words, we don't talk about much at all because my sister is her addiction.
I'm using every recovery tool I have towards letting go. I'm going to regular sessions with my therapist and finally cried about it Wednesday. We were talking and all of a sudden I felt it, told him "oh crap here it comes!" I didn't know there was so much pain inside me about my mom. 44 years of it.
This morning I read something: Conflict precedes clarity.
I have my daughter back for today and never had my mom.
I needed to release some pain today about this and am grateful to have a safe place to do it. Thank you SR.
In my home it was wonderful and full of love, joy. My daughter spent a couple of hours making these cute cupcakes with edible turkeys on them. I think cupcakes have replaced Big Macs as her comfort food :)
When it was time to pray she was chomping at the bit and asked to say it this year. That took us all by surprise because she's straddled the line between being an atheist/deist for most of her 21 years. Her prayer was so beautiful we all had tears in our eyes and fought actually crying.
The sad part is because of my mom. She and my 46 year old sister have always been codies, though there's no substance abuse. My sister has been married 4 times, has two beautiful boys, and is probably mentally ill. She's always refused therapy because nothing is ever her issue. She has no friends any more. She manipulates and lies to get whatever she wants and this has going on for about 26 years if not longer. Recently she has run into what probably is her first brick wall. My mom is dedicated to trying to fix it.
My mom hasn't come to see her granddaughter yet (my RAD) after that nasty wreck. She kept saying she was trying but there's been one excuse after another. We insisted on buying her a plane ticket but then she found another excuse. My daughter really wants to see my mom and tell her about this damned addiction. At this point I'm not sure that's a good idea.
My mom and I have never really been close, she was never a mommy to me. Thankfully many of my family members saw it from the start and actually talked with me about it when I was younger. It was liberating and helped me keep putting one foot in front of the other.
That doesn't stop the sadness though. The relationship I have spent years working at with my mom is almost gone. We don't talk about my sister because she's in denial, 70 years old, and it's too much drama for me. In other words, we don't talk about much at all because my sister is her addiction.
I'm using every recovery tool I have towards letting go. I'm going to regular sessions with my therapist and finally cried about it Wednesday. We were talking and all of a sudden I felt it, told him "oh crap here it comes!" I didn't know there was so much pain inside me about my mom. 44 years of it.
This morning I read something: Conflict precedes clarity.
I have my daughter back for today and never had my mom.
I needed to release some pain today about this and am grateful to have a safe place to do it. Thank you SR.
Problem Drinker, Heavy Drinker, Alcoholic
As we all know alcoholism is a progressive disease and no one starts out as a hard core alcoholic nor does everyone progress to that stage of the disease. I know many heavy drinkers that by most medical guidelines would be classified as alcoholics but they don't seem to fit the mold. They can, for example go to a party or family gathering and drink a lot, get very drunk but at the end of the day they can turn it off. They never miss a days work, lose jobs or families and their lives aren't really affected in any noticable manner. Many are able to live out their lives without negative consequences.
I know many people and family members who fit into this catagory and in a way I have always been a little jealous and wondered why they could pull it off and i could not. It almost seems like they have an "off switch" and I do not. Certain recovery programs espouse the idea that it's all learned behavior and the alcoholic can be retrained to drink normally. I have tried many times over the years to drink normally but could never get my "off switch" to work, once I started all bets were off.
I guess the reason I'm even posting this is that I still wonder if it really is a learned behavior or is it a bio-chemical brain chemistry thing that seperates the alcoholic from the heavy drinker. If it truely were a brain chemistry issue then you have to wonder if a drug will ever be invented to address the problem. Any thoughts.
I know many people and family members who fit into this catagory and in a way I have always been a little jealous and wondered why they could pull it off and i could not. It almost seems like they have an "off switch" and I do not. Certain recovery programs espouse the idea that it's all learned behavior and the alcoholic can be retrained to drink normally. I have tried many times over the years to drink normally but could never get my "off switch" to work, once I started all bets were off.
I guess the reason I'm even posting this is that I still wonder if it really is a learned behavior or is it a bio-chemical brain chemistry thing that seperates the alcoholic from the heavy drinker. If it truely were a brain chemistry issue then you have to wonder if a drug will ever be invented to address the problem. Any thoughts.
New to my sister’s addiction…I need direction please
Hello,
I am happy to be a new member of this forum and have gained some great insight from reading some if the posts here. This is my first post anywhere, to anyone, about the following.
Tonight I am writing concerning my addict sister who lives states away from me (and has for 24 years), whom I do not see or talk to on a daily basis. She and I, though far apart in miles, share a very deep bond in spirit. Her story, I am finding through study and family members, is not unlike those of many addict's. I was made aware of her addiction 6 months ago and the following is what I have learned, and I have gone into much detail in order to assist anyone who might be able to help answer the questions included in my post.
My sister is addicted to prescription drugs (she has been for about 6 years now) and on top of that she has been abusing alcohol for a year. Since last May she has tried to take her life once (that we know of, and that she was hospitilized for and placed into 72-hour lock down for); has been in rehab 2x (one of those times was due to her attempted suicide); constantly says she feels like she is in a pit of despair; threatens her husband that she will try take her life again "and it will work this time", and well, I probably don't have to say much more.
My sister has always been looked to up to by all of her family members, her co-workers and her community, as are many addicts. My sister graduated in the medical field and had a very good, though stressful job in it. Prescription drug abuse became the reason she lost that job.
When I or others talk to her one-on-one she admits she has a problem, but also says she just has no will to live. She says she is always waiting for 'the other shoe to fall', always expecting the worse about things in general and has pretty much lost all of her self-esteem. Addiction induced feelings, or did she become addicted because of those feelings? In my mind, the more I learn about addiction and the more she brings up her past, it is most likely both. She was not always this way, or she was extremely good at covering up a lot of emotional/physical burdens and just made the best of things. Now I can't figure out if it is her addiction talking to me or what is left of her truth.
I am aware that only when my sister is ready to get help that her chances of recovery are better. She has been to AA and does have a sponsor. I talked privately to my sister's husband recently and he is checking into the possiblity of holding a family intervention at their home. Can I, even though I don't live in the same state as my sister and may not be there for the after-intervention-follow-up in person, be of any help in the intervention process? I want to be present for it and will if I am asked, but would living long distance be a limiting factor? Has anyone had experience like this?
Currently my sister is seeing a psychologist and is taking anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds. She was tested for bipolar but that was ruled out. Because she was severely abused in her first marriage her psychologist thinks she is sufferning post-traumatic stress from that. Her current husband told me recently that he has never known my sister not to take some sort of pill, from aspirin to other meds, and that until a year ago he just always attributed her pill taking to her severe neck pain and migraines (for which she had an unsuccessful surgery in which a steel rod was placed in her neck), brought on by the physical abuse she suffered. He believes that her only hope at this time, to be able to move forward in all of this, is complete detox.
My sister refuses to attend any more AA meetings (saying they do not help her). She does what she can to get her hands on prescription and OTC meds and alcohol (or the like). She had a job in a restaurant and was respected by all there, but had access to alcohol there which lead up to her suicide attempt.
It has come to this: family no longer allows her to drive (her husband and my mother keeps the car keys), she is not given any money (because she of course, finds ways to get meds and alcohol with it), and she is basically watched 24/7 by my mom when her husband is at work, and even so usually finds a way to elude her and gets a hold of some substance to get high. Her husband has even resorted to giving her breathalizer tests, almost on a daily basis, which she finds very degrading. If she so much as laughs or acts silly her little daughter asks her if she has been drinking and asks to smell her breath. My sister told me she feels like she can't act normal and goofy without being accused of being strung out. I can see how this all fits together.
Here is another question, and it concerns the endangerment of family members in my sister's home.... What rights does my sister's husband have in CA as far as admitting her to a facility when she will not consent to go herself, especially since my sister became violent with their child when was away at work? Her husband was quick to get their daughter, who called him at work, out of the house by means of another family memeber's intervention, but what if...???
I know my sister's husband is trying to find out what steps he can take to admit her to some sort of rehab (since she won't consent) out of his own frustration and concern for their daughter, and it seems that he is just grasping at straws. We're just crossing our fingers that no one dies in the meantime; my sister or another family member. Does anyone have any advice I can pass on to him? From what I read and hear, nothing can be done until she consents to get help.
I could also benefit from input on how best to keep myself in check about all of this. I am getting increasingly anxious about my sister's worsening state and the welfare of her family, including that of my mother, who feels obligated to help out (because my brother-in-law asks her to and her own self-induced guilt). I do try to look for positive things to fill my mind and time daily. I have read the AA Big Book and other AA material, have recently read the book Addict In The Family:Stories of Loss..., have been researching many things about addiction on the internet (which is how I found this site), and I am now reading Willpower's Not Enough. And I pray-- a lot; for my sister and all of us involved. Would attending AA or Al-anon help me, and if so, how?
I know there are a myriad of reasons why my sister is where she is at today. And since she is not really grasping true reality any more (due to chemical changes in her brain from the addcition), we are only getting bits and pieces of why she is doing what she is doing. When she isn't high she attests to the fact that she needs some kind of help and talkes about bettering herself. When she is high she says, as one might expect, that she feels like there is no hope for her and that she is just plain tired of living this nightmare. No doubt.
Thank you very much for your input to me regarding this.
I am happy to be a new member of this forum and have gained some great insight from reading some if the posts here. This is my first post anywhere, to anyone, about the following.
Tonight I am writing concerning my addict sister who lives states away from me (and has for 24 years), whom I do not see or talk to on a daily basis. She and I, though far apart in miles, share a very deep bond in spirit. Her story, I am finding through study and family members, is not unlike those of many addict's. I was made aware of her addiction 6 months ago and the following is what I have learned, and I have gone into much detail in order to assist anyone who might be able to help answer the questions included in my post.
My sister is addicted to prescription drugs (she has been for about 6 years now) and on top of that she has been abusing alcohol for a year. Since last May she has tried to take her life once (that we know of, and that she was hospitilized for and placed into 72-hour lock down for); has been in rehab 2x (one of those times was due to her attempted suicide); constantly says she feels like she is in a pit of despair; threatens her husband that she will try take her life again "and it will work this time", and well, I probably don't have to say much more.
My sister has always been looked to up to by all of her family members, her co-workers and her community, as are many addicts. My sister graduated in the medical field and had a very good, though stressful job in it. Prescription drug abuse became the reason she lost that job.
When I or others talk to her one-on-one she admits she has a problem, but also says she just has no will to live. She says she is always waiting for 'the other shoe to fall', always expecting the worse about things in general and has pretty much lost all of her self-esteem. Addiction induced feelings, or did she become addicted because of those feelings? In my mind, the more I learn about addiction and the more she brings up her past, it is most likely both. She was not always this way, or she was extremely good at covering up a lot of emotional/physical burdens and just made the best of things. Now I can't figure out if it is her addiction talking to me or what is left of her truth.
I am aware that only when my sister is ready to get help that her chances of recovery are better. She has been to AA and does have a sponsor. I talked privately to my sister's husband recently and he is checking into the possiblity of holding a family intervention at their home. Can I, even though I don't live in the same state as my sister and may not be there for the after-intervention-follow-up in person, be of any help in the intervention process? I want to be present for it and will if I am asked, but would living long distance be a limiting factor? Has anyone had experience like this?
Currently my sister is seeing a psychologist and is taking anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds. She was tested for bipolar but that was ruled out. Because she was severely abused in her first marriage her psychologist thinks she is sufferning post-traumatic stress from that. Her current husband told me recently that he has never known my sister not to take some sort of pill, from aspirin to other meds, and that until a year ago he just always attributed her pill taking to her severe neck pain and migraines (for which she had an unsuccessful surgery in which a steel rod was placed in her neck), brought on by the physical abuse she suffered. He believes that her only hope at this time, to be able to move forward in all of this, is complete detox.
My sister refuses to attend any more AA meetings (saying they do not help her). She does what she can to get her hands on prescription and OTC meds and alcohol (or the like). She had a job in a restaurant and was respected by all there, but had access to alcohol there which lead up to her suicide attempt.
It has come to this: family no longer allows her to drive (her husband and my mother keeps the car keys), she is not given any money (because she of course, finds ways to get meds and alcohol with it), and she is basically watched 24/7 by my mom when her husband is at work, and even so usually finds a way to elude her and gets a hold of some substance to get high. Her husband has even resorted to giving her breathalizer tests, almost on a daily basis, which she finds very degrading. If she so much as laughs or acts silly her little daughter asks her if she has been drinking and asks to smell her breath. My sister told me she feels like she can't act normal and goofy without being accused of being strung out. I can see how this all fits together.
Here is another question, and it concerns the endangerment of family members in my sister's home.... What rights does my sister's husband have in CA as far as admitting her to a facility when she will not consent to go herself, especially since my sister became violent with their child when was away at work? Her husband was quick to get their daughter, who called him at work, out of the house by means of another family memeber's intervention, but what if...???
I know my sister's husband is trying to find out what steps he can take to admit her to some sort of rehab (since she won't consent) out of his own frustration and concern for their daughter, and it seems that he is just grasping at straws. We're just crossing our fingers that no one dies in the meantime; my sister or another family member. Does anyone have any advice I can pass on to him? From what I read and hear, nothing can be done until she consents to get help.
I could also benefit from input on how best to keep myself in check about all of this. I am getting increasingly anxious about my sister's worsening state and the welfare of her family, including that of my mother, who feels obligated to help out (because my brother-in-law asks her to and her own self-induced guilt). I do try to look for positive things to fill my mind and time daily. I have read the AA Big Book and other AA material, have recently read the book Addict In The Family:Stories of Loss..., have been researching many things about addiction on the internet (which is how I found this site), and I am now reading Willpower's Not Enough. And I pray-- a lot; for my sister and all of us involved. Would attending AA or Al-anon help me, and if so, how?
I know there are a myriad of reasons why my sister is where she is at today. And since she is not really grasping true reality any more (due to chemical changes in her brain from the addcition), we are only getting bits and pieces of why she is doing what she is doing. When she isn't high she attests to the fact that she needs some kind of help and talkes about bettering herself. When she is high she says, as one might expect, that she feels like there is no hope for her and that she is just plain tired of living this nightmare. No doubt.
Thank you very much for your input to me regarding this.
A Question of Honesty
My daughter has been involved in drugs and a drug lifestyle on and off for the last 10 years. (Mostly On) She has gone to treatment twice, many meetings, counselling and still does not get it. My question is for the loved ones of addicts -- How do you handle questions from others - friends, business associates or family members who ask how your children are doing? They are not asking from a meanspirited stance, they are asking so that they can catch up on your life. Most do not have a clue about her lifestyle. I usually say she is fine and change the subject.
Just curious how others handle this..
Thanks,
Just curious how others handle this..
Thanks,
