Drug Rehab Options Blog

In the early stages of my recovery I couldnÂ’t understand how criticism, positive or negative could help me grow in my healing from the disease of addiction. When I was criticizes automatically I went in to a defensive mode. Then came the game of war of words. Right after that came the anger and resentment towards whoever was giving out the criticism. When I felt attacked, I attack back. Sometimes the attack happens only in my mind as I indulge in resentments and fantasies of revenge. My reaction in the past to criticism was simple, Im from Brooklyn I donÂ’t get mad I get even. Today I know that healthy recovering people do not dwell in this type of thinking.

Working the steps, I had a light bulb moment. I started to understand why being criticize was such a big issue in my life. It came from my childhood. Unconsciously I acted out on life because of my childhood wounds. It is not only dysfunctional, it is ridiculous to maintain that what happened in my childhood did not affect my adult life. I had layers upon layers of denial, emotional dishonesty, buried trauma, unfulfilled needs, my heart was broken, my spirit was broken, my beliefs in a Higher Power wounded, I was shamefully criticized.

Some of the choices I made as adult were made in reaction to my childhood wounds. Working my program of recovery and uncovering the truth. I realize when I was being criticize I was reacting and acting out of anger from my childhood wounds. I was giving it the power to control my life. As I let go of my past personalities. I react to criticism with a complete different mindset and attitude.

I am leaning as I go through this journey, where the feelings of Restless, Irritable, and Discontent originated from. With the blessings I receive from working the steps of NA and the strength of my Higher Power. I can start forgiving myself and make amends to the ones I harm in the past. But most of all, I can forgive those who I trusted the most as a child.

In recovery, we say Principles before Personalities. Today I understand that statement with clarity.

Ivan

Soooo... really... is early recovery this hard for everybody? I have 12 days and not a single one of them has been what I would call effortlessly sober. I think about drinking/not drinking a lot. Mostly it's about why I can't, what I'm doing differently, the bad excuses I used to drink in the past. If I keep that stream of chatter up, I scare the cravings away; if I let it quiet down, I catch myself having drinking fantasies. And I have a lot going on right now, so it's like having a split mind: One half is going on about life, the other is saying "nodrinkingnodrinkingnodrinking" in a hundred different ways.

Is this in any way normal? When will sobriety become more natural? I'd like as specific deadline as possible please. :P

Somebody wrote the above on another thread. Then, also keep in mind DesertEyeÂ’s recent post on keeping fantasies. We all know there are true stories and instances where someone didnÂ’t give up on someone else, they were persistent, and finally one day their persistence paid off an their loved one was changed/healed/transformed. How do you temper having hope and not giving up? Is it contrary to acceptance, realistic expectations and letting go of a fantasy? I feel like the above poster at times - I think what if something I do or say is finally the thing that brings a breakthrough. I mean, I know there have been people in my life, who gave me one piece of advice or their action caused me to stop and think and really impacted me for the better. Other times I think, this is reality, I accept that thing may or may not get better, but I have my own life and I have to move on. It helps to feel that way sometimes. Other times I just feel sad. Sad that this is what it is with the A Loved One in my life. Is it a fantasy to hope that one day my Abrother will be better, and have a happy life and we will have a close family? Is it fantasy to want to reach out to him and say, hey buddy, please know that I am pulling for you and it breaks my heart to see you live a life that is so far below what you are capable of and deserve?