Drug Rehab Options Blog

After waking this a.m. and really wanting sobriety yet the chatter in my head telling me to drink cuz the pain of it all was overwhelming, I decided to come here and visit you all.

The holidays which looked so positively wonderful a month ago, led me out and all I can really say is "I don't know what happened". Working, doing some meetings, staying busy and next thing was a blurr. As hopeless as I'm feeling right now, I know it will get better because it did before this happened. I will fight and I will do this with your help cuz I'm so sick of this disease and what it does to me and others & those affected by it. This time could have taken me out as I almost OD'd two times on pills with the alcohol. My worst fear was coming to and knowing I'm still here. I'm not supposed to die yet otherwise I think I would have. I know there's always a next time, but really fear being brain dead instead of just gone. I don't know my purpose and don't know how to get well, but do know I just don't want to feel like this anymore and keep doing this insanity.

I will give today a chance. I won't drink "just for today" and see how tomorrow evolves. I have committed to go to a meeting tonight (and probably tomorrow night) and that's all I can predict right now. I do want LIFE. Not the life like I've known... I want to change. I want to grow. I want to live, differently!!!

Thanks for your time!!
Nicki
:a108:

*~*~*~*~*^As Bill Sees It^*~*~*~*~*

All or Nothing?

Acceptance and faith are capable of producing 100 per cent sobriety. In fact, they usually do; and they must, else we could have no life at all. But the moment we carry these attitudes into our emotional problems, we find that only relative results are possible. Nobody can, for example, become completely free from fear, anger, and pride.
Hence, in this life we shall attain nothing like perfect humility and love. So we shall have to settle, respecting most of our problems, for a very gradual progress, punctuated sometimes by very heavy setbacks. Our oldtime attitude of "all or nothing" will have to be abandoned.

GRAPEVINE, MARCH 1962

Oh boy guys, my computer battery is on it's last leg, and I finally did it.

Just when I'm going to hear / need support from my SR friends....

I told the abf to not come home tonight. Guess I act quickly-

He gave me an easy out. He stopped 'out' again tonight. I called and called his cell. Finally when he answered, he started with the "hi baby" thing.....

I called him back and asked that he go outside to hear me. (not optimal to do over the phone, but it was an opportune time)

I told him NOT to come home tonight..... he started quacking again, along with the come on baby thing. I told him that I know he is useing more than ever, drinking, and disrespecting me.

I told him that the doors would be locked, so as to find a bar room buddy to stay with tonight, and that I would leave his suitcases packed on the porch after I leave for work in the a.m.

I of course got alot of rebuttal, but stuck to my ground, saying that I am through with this life. I told him that he could kill himself with this lifestyle all by himself, and that I was not willing to sit by and watch him do it.

I also told him that he was showing me the ultimate in disrespect, and that I don't blame him for it at this point because up till now, IVE ALLOWED IT.

I said NO MORE. Not one minute more.

He finallhy said o.k. and hung up on me.

I cried like a baby, after we hung up. The pictures hanging on the wall... our beautiful night on new years, everything came rushing in.... I felt the fear - of looseing a man I love dearly, with every ounce of my being.

I have to keep telling myself, It's never going to change if I don't do SOMETHING.

I have to keep telling myself, I can't save him..... I have to save me.

I'm so very very devestated.

I hope and pray I have the strength to NOT give in to him like I have in the past.

I am praying that I stick to this.

Thank you all for listening.
Love,
Cessy

I've started a new chapter in my life, a chapter that I hope is just the beginning to a really great book. My life hasn't always been easy. For so long, I have let the past and the present control me. I've lived in fear; I've lived with anxiety and panic; I've felt lonely and depressed; I've done things that I never thought were possible; and lastly....I've lost myself in others.
About a week and a half ago, I left my boyfriend. I fell so completely in love with him in no time and convinced myself that we would be together forever. I wanted to believe that so much. All of the little lies and all of the crazy things he did were okay because he loved me and those few "perfect moments" kept me going.
Well, our relationship lasted for just eight months and in that eight months, I had lost everything that was important in my life, including myself. And up until the end of last week, I didn't feel very good about moving on and looking forward. I was scared.
BUT.....a friend gave me the shove I needed. He challenged me to take a really good look at myself, a really good look at my life. Boy, I didn't like what I saw. I kept convincing myself that I was okay when really, I was so lost inside.
In just a short time, I must say that I have come a long way. You see, you can sit there and dream about what you want your life to be like or you can actually take the initiative, set goals and meet them so you can actually "live" the life you dream of. That's what I've decided to do.
I go to the gym daily....something that I kept promising my friend I would do but then always found excuses not to. Now I can see why he wanted me to go. I feel INCREDIBLE. I have so much energy and I just feel so confident. It's really nice. It also has reduced my cravings for coke.
I started eating right and have almost quit smoking. I've made plans with another close friend....she is going to take me hiking in about four months. I should be in pretty good shape by then and I've always dreamed about going hiking....so instead of dreaming about it, I'm making it my reality.
My whole point to this long blah, blah, blah is to tell you that you can do anything you "dream" of doing. This is YOUR life. Nobody can tell you how to live it.
If you're trying to quit drugs, think about why. Make a list of what the drugs do for you and then make a list of how they hurt you. I'm sure the "hurt" side far outweighs the good. Write down things you want out of your life. Stop thinking about what you've done wrong in the past and look at what you are going to do right in the future.
I've always been a present and past dweller. I had to see my ex the other day and I started crying and then something just hit me. If I kept crying, it was going to ruin "my" day. Nobody can make you feel something you don't allow. I wasn't going to allow him to keep hurting me. This was not my addiction anymore. This was not my problem and as much as I love him, I decided to completely let him go. And after, I felt such a weight lifted.
Everytime you choose good over bad, it gets easier. Everytime you say no to a substance, it gets easier the next time.
Sometimes we forget our true potential....we are so used to thinking negative and after a while, negative is the only thinking we have. We program our brains. We are what we think.
I'm so happy now that I have learned to let go. I never thought it was something I was capable of and because of that thinking, I kept using and I kept staying in an unhealthy relationship. Then one day, a friend told me that I "could" do it. I thought about it and realized he was right. I could do it if I really wanted to. And I did. I wanted my life back. I know you want your life back. Don't ever give up because one of those tries are gonna be the one that sets you free from your addiction....sets you free and gives you your life back.

Hugs

i've been sober 5 years, but wednesday morning i took my husband to the e.r.
when he started hallucinating from trying to quit on his own. today is saturday and he is still in ICU. i was not physically addicted to alcohol like he is so i don't understand really what is happening. my biggest fear is that he hates me for leaving him at the hospital, he has to be restrained and he is diorientated. i found this site and thought someone could tell me their experiences with severe withdrawl. or anything that could be of comfort.

Hi everybody! I've thought about you all often and it's good to know that this awesome forum is still going and offering help/advice/support to those that need it.

When I first came on here in 2004, it was my xabf and a year of turmoil there. But, through Al Anon and all of you, that relationship ended a long time ago.

It's my son who will be 30yrs old this year...that has the drinking addiction. He got two DUI's back-to-back in 2007 and needed a lawyer. The laws have gotten alot stricter here in CO, as they should be.

I retained a lawyer for him and my as (alcoholic son) just did in house arrest for the month of Dec. for the one DUI and now he's in jail today for a bit for the 2nd one.

The whole time he was on house arrest, he was still drinking. I'd go visit him and see him on the holidays and he was still using. So, house arrest didn't do much for him because he was still "running' while on it.

In jail, he'll have to be sober and also his PO will be taking random breathilizers and putting a device on his vehicle to blow into before driving.

He has HUNDREDS of community service, fines and classes. He has no job, he's gotten fired from each one. He's homeless because everywhere he lived, he didn't pay rent.

On house arrest, he stayed with his Dad and during that time stold his Dad's credit cards and booked flights for his gf's and other things...ran up thousands of $ on his dad's cards. It just seems like his addiction is getting worse and worse, he lies constantly. He's very sensitive to talk to...if one thing is said that he doesn't like...he jumps on you verbally.

He's just filled with pain...his uncle/best friend, died of a cocaine accidental overdose on Christmas 2005 and my son knew his uncle did some drugs, but not to the extent that he was. My AS was the last person with his uncle the night before he died and so my AS has been feeling guilty ever since. He constantly runs and needs people's acceptance.

My fear is for when he gets out of jail....where will he go? What will he do? Will he finally see after years and years of drinking that it's JUST NOT WORTH IT?

I'm scared for him because of the fact that he continues to keep the cycle going.

I ask for your prayers for him...this is gonna take alot to get him to FINALLY hit that bottom and want back up.

Thank you and I hope all of your holidays were blessed!:praying

My RAD received a seriously botched marriage proposal on NYE. After a cryptic message yesterday, she finally told us about it today and is still fuming. He handed her a ring, but then couldn't get the words out of his mouth without her prying them out. She said he's so codependent he needed her help with the proposal. She said every woman dreams about that moment and it really made her mad to have to do it herself.

She said no :D

I am so proud of her. She knows neither one of them is ready. That he couldn't get the words out told her he isn't anywhere near being ready. She doesn't know if his love for her is stronger than his fear of being alone. She doesn't know if she wants to be with one person right now, let alone the rest of her life. I told her being true to herself was the BEST way to start the new year.

I asked her if it was worse than the movie The Bachelor and she yelled yes, then laughed. Oh dear God I've always loved this daughter of mine and now I'm actually liking her again :)

:nykI had 29 days.... then drank moderately for 5 days.... quit for 3 days at Christmas so my kids would have a good Holiday... started back a the day after Christmas... took my last drink 23 hours ago!!!!

I don't know why I feel so yucky this time... I was only drinking at the most 9 mini wines in a 24 hour period during this last 4 day binge... no hard stuff.... whats 9 mini bottles? I mean 5-6 cups... thats nothing for a pro like me.... I used to have 1/2 to a whole a bottle (fifth) of vodka in a day and wine, too... and beer.... or at the very least two big bottles of wine...

I am really letting my anxiety get the best of this time. I am taking Ativan to curb it, but it doesn't seem t be helping as much tonight.... I let my fear of dying of a seizure (not that I have EVER had one) overtake me....

My husband is a good man, but he is ready to leave me.... he doesn't understand my fears or my addiction.... he says he is staying for the kids sake...

I'm wrestling with something.
To make a long story short, my ASisters bf stood by her through a lot of her bad using periods, up to and including arrests for faking prescriptions. It really took a toll on him. Just as she was about to start her latest rehab she found out she was pregnant. I guess the stress of it all made him go out on a bender and come home in such a raging state the police had to come and haul him away.
That was a month or two ago. Since then he's had a charge hanging over his head and until its resolved he has to live elsewhere. As stressful as its been for the two of them she's kept up her treatments and doctors appointments pretty well, and he also seems to have benefited from the time apart from her. They've both had a bit of time to work on themselves.

The drawback is it has required a lot of expensive travel on his part to get to work, living away. He wants to add me as a surety to be closer to work and to her.
I feel he might really benefit from NA (or at the very least, joining this forum). He's dealt with a lot of her issues either alone, or with just me to talk and vent to. If I'm going to agree to be one of his sureties, I can insist that he come with me to try out NA. Even though she is doing really well in recovery, I want him to have better supports this time around dealing with all the ups and downs that will surely come. Joining a support group to help himself will also look good when he has to deal with his own charge in court.

So my questions, from someone who's never been to an NA meeting:
a) should we be in the same meeting, since we have an addict in common but we have two different relationships with her?
b) is it right that I'd make him go? he's open to the idea, but I have this vague fear that if its a room full of people telling him his relationship with her is doomed and he should detach and get out....it'll be on me for throwing a wrench into their attempt at rebuilding their lives.

I don't want to be trying to steer their relationship, but he needs other,knowledgeable people to talk to. I'm thrilled he's still here after all this time, and willing to give it all yet another chance, but I find it really hard listening to the awful things he's had to put up with over the years and all his fears and suspicions, because it weighs down on me and also makes it impossible for me to be neutral support to her. If that makes sense.

i truly don't know how much more of this i can take you guys.

i want to just scream and cry and yell. i've been so patient but something has to give soon.

i just don't know how much longer i can stand staying in this house with AH. i have no idea when it is going to sell or when this nightmare is going to end. i called today about an apartment, but i'm on the waiting list and she doesn't have anyone that has even given a 30 day notice.

even my mom says she doesn't know how i've standed it as long as i have.

i want peace. i know that every second i stay here and allow AH to verbally abuse me (not to mention the fear of physical abuse or something horrible happening to him or someone else) the more my self esteem and my will go down.

i've done so much to build myself up, i really don't want to lose myself again.

last night after a bunch of verbally attacking me as i sat on the couch and said absolutely nothing. then he just stands there and stares at me or laughs every time he goes by me (which really kinda creeps me out), he was so drunk he urinated himself, then he got up from that and got in a truck and drove. i don't know how he does it without getting a dui. he can kill somebody or kill himself. of course, this morning raging and yelling at me the whole time i was getting ready for work continuing to degrade me.

i don't have any control over anything with him anymore. i can't talk any logical sense into him. i can't reach him.

it really hurts and makes me sick to my stomach that it has come to this and that i can't even get through to him.

i've called a friend of his -more like a father figure- and told him the whole situation. he said he would talk to him, but he hasn't done anything and hasn't called me back. he's the only one that i know might be able to help him.

the only other thing i could think to do to help him is to tell his best friend and maybe try to get his parents support (not likely because they are the biggest enablers). i don't want to do this without talking to the other guy i have confided in, but he doesn't call me back. my counselor suggested that maybe i have him talk to the others and get everybody together.

anyway, i'm just at the end of my rope. the holidays are getting to me. i'm sad and lonely and depressed. anxiety is starting to get to me.

i'm not one to give up or give in. i've got a fighting spirit.

but, please tell me that this bad time will all be over soon and i will be happy again.