Archive for the ‘Fiancee’ tag
Holiday Trip
My ex fiancee called up his family wants to pay for tickets to have me and the baby come and visit on xmas. First Xmas for her and he just got off of a binge a week ago which involved women, drugs and lots of money spent. (Money spent because we didn't get any and women because his mom said a girl called asking for him a couple of times and drugs because he avoided me for a couple of days and sounded burnt when I did talk to him) He never gave me any excuse for running away and leaving. Now he moved back in to his parents and wants us to visit? I know its crazy and shouldn't even affect me and of course I got of the phone in tears because he made me feel like a horrible person for not wanting to spend xmas with them and open her presents his mom bought. My mom would not let me live here if she knew I went there and she would be crushed to miss my first xmas with teh family in years not to mention baby girls first one. I am so distrought because a little part of me wants to be selfish and hook up with him for a weekend to convince him what he lost and make him see but I know that would never be the case. He is accusing me of sabotaging any future for our "family" and that even though he lives at home has no money and is still using is somehow a good catch? What is wrong with me I know we have only been apart a month or two but what the heck is wrong? Why can't I keep to my no contact rule? Why do I keep getting suckered in to believe he loves me. I know he doesn't even love himself right now. What do I do?
ahh..day 21.
so ya, today is day 21 since my last drink. if i make it through i will have made a HUGE advancement in my sobriety.
21 days. longest stretch i have gone ever. this morning my ex. decided that she wasn't going to be at her house to watch the kids so i could see my therapist.....good thing her friend was there and was kind enough to watch them for me.
so ya, kinda choked.
tonite is our staff xmas party. anytime i have gone out for drinks with the guys from work it has always been a gong show. i always have over done it. to not drink tonite will be huge.
and last but not least, today also marks the 3 month anniversary to the day my fiancee walked out the door and left me.
so ya, today has a few things going on.....
BUT....
i will not succumb. i will stand tall and wake up tomorrow morning KNOWING that i was bigger than the alcoholism that runs through my veins.
21 days. longest stretch i have gone ever. this morning my ex. decided that she wasn't going to be at her house to watch the kids so i could see my therapist.....good thing her friend was there and was kind enough to watch them for me.
so ya, kinda choked.
tonite is our staff xmas party. anytime i have gone out for drinks with the guys from work it has always been a gong show. i always have over done it. to not drink tonite will be huge.
and last but not least, today also marks the 3 month anniversary to the day my fiancee walked out the door and left me.
so ya, today has a few things going on.....
BUT....
i will not succumb. i will stand tall and wake up tomorrow morning KNOWING that i was bigger than the alcoholism that runs through my veins.
Help with Alcoholic Fiancee.
find myself in a very difficult situation right now that I find very difficult to deal with and am seeking advice. To begin with about me I have been divorced for about a year and am now a single father to a 5 year old. I have the house, car, and a good job. Shortly after splitting with the ex I met my current fiancee. She was there for me during a very difficult time in my life when I needed help.
About her: She is a wonderful person inside, smart, loving, hard working, and an alcoholic. She has been in and out of treatment centers for the past 5 years the most recent being in August. She is very well aware of her alcoholism problem and makes no secret about it. She stays at home while I work and takes care the house and my child.
For the first 6 months of our relationship she was a very heavy drinker often consuming a half-gallon of vodka a day. This led to a situation where she was "perfect" while sober but miserable when drunk. Our relationship became very stressed because of her drinking problem. She would try to stop drinking but this always failed and even once led to a siezure. She was always in and out of the hospital for alcohol related problems. We argued all the time mostly when she was drunk. She suggested we see a relationship therapist.
By chance, our therapist was a recovered alcoholic. He immediatly identified that our relationship could never recover until she addressed her alcoholism problem. She entered a treatment center for a week and then checked herself out early because she couldn't stand being there anymore. She had stopped drinking and started attending AA meetings several times a week.
Our relationship improved dramatically. I realized how much I love the non-drunk version of this women and even proposed to her. It didn't take much time for her to relapse again. At first it was just the occasional bottle of wine. She then stopped going to all AA meetings. She called them a cult of freeks. She then got into arguments with our therapist all the time that one time turned into yelling. Our therapist refused to see her anymore and told me that I would be absolutely insane to stay with her and she really has no hope to recover with her attitude.
We have been togethor for a year now. She has decided that she will deal with her alcholism her own way. She feels that she can control her drinking and I simply need to buy her wine whenever she wants it. She thinks that she should be able to drink a couple bottles of wine twice a month. I know this is BS because it always starts with a little. She also claims she no longer needs AA or any other form of support. She has made it clear that either I buy her her alcohol or she will be gone.
She is a very smart women. She has read all the AA books, been to countless AA meetings, been to numerous treatment centers. But still has decided that she will do it her own way.
How do I deel with situation where I have grown so close to a person who is an amazing person who I deeply love but at the same time refused to deal anymore with her alcoholism? Should I just give up as the therapist said I should do or do I hold out hoping she will try again?
About her: She is a wonderful person inside, smart, loving, hard working, and an alcoholic. She has been in and out of treatment centers for the past 5 years the most recent being in August. She is very well aware of her alcoholism problem and makes no secret about it. She stays at home while I work and takes care the house and my child.
For the first 6 months of our relationship she was a very heavy drinker often consuming a half-gallon of vodka a day. This led to a situation where she was "perfect" while sober but miserable when drunk. Our relationship became very stressed because of her drinking problem. She would try to stop drinking but this always failed and even once led to a siezure. She was always in and out of the hospital for alcohol related problems. We argued all the time mostly when she was drunk. She suggested we see a relationship therapist.
By chance, our therapist was a recovered alcoholic. He immediatly identified that our relationship could never recover until she addressed her alcoholism problem. She entered a treatment center for a week and then checked herself out early because she couldn't stand being there anymore. She had stopped drinking and started attending AA meetings several times a week.
Our relationship improved dramatically. I realized how much I love the non-drunk version of this women and even proposed to her. It didn't take much time for her to relapse again. At first it was just the occasional bottle of wine. She then stopped going to all AA meetings. She called them a cult of freeks. She then got into arguments with our therapist all the time that one time turned into yelling. Our therapist refused to see her anymore and told me that I would be absolutely insane to stay with her and she really has no hope to recover with her attitude.
We have been togethor for a year now. She has decided that she will deal with her alcholism her own way. She feels that she can control her drinking and I simply need to buy her wine whenever she wants it. She thinks that she should be able to drink a couple bottles of wine twice a month. I know this is BS because it always starts with a little. She also claims she no longer needs AA or any other form of support. She has made it clear that either I buy her her alcohol or she will be gone.
She is a very smart women. She has read all the AA books, been to countless AA meetings, been to numerous treatment centers. But still has decided that she will do it her own way.
How do I deel with situation where I have grown so close to a person who is an amazing person who I deeply love but at the same time refused to deal anymore with her alcoholism? Should I just give up as the therapist said I should do or do I hold out hoping she will try again?
A little victory and a little defeat… oh what a Friday night it was.
So, I've posted on other threads that I've had problems saying no to this guy who seems to have this weird spell over me. Last night I went to a party with him. It was a good party, not too many people and I knew most of them so it wasn't too uncomfortable for me. Well, I ended up having a couple of drinks and that means today I'm back on day 1, but I don't feel half as crappy as I did on the last day 1. I'm a bit disappointed in myself, but also a a bit more determined to stay sober.
The victory was nice though. He wanted to buy some coke, and clearly expected me to pay for it. I didn't have my credit card anyway, so no hope of getting any cash for it. He told me to go home and get it. I told him if I left I wasn't coming back. He backed off for a while then on the drive home he started again, asking me to buy the drugs and he even called his source and started setting it up, but I made my "no" stick, I told him I wouldn't buy them and if he wanted to get drugs I would drop him at his place and he could figure it out himself. Well, that wouldn't work because his fiancee was at his apartment waiting for him and was under the impression he was at a meeting for a professional society we are in (as opposed to going to a party with me while she drove 120 miles to see him and babysat 3 little kids... honestly if the woman had any clue what was really going on, I like to think she'd dump his sorry butt.... but then I actually do know what's going on and seem unable or unwilling to keep him out of my life). I ignored his begging and took him home. I'm so proud of myself for saying no to him and for not doing drugs, as well. Because there's a little part of my brain that wanted the drugs.
The victory was nice though. He wanted to buy some coke, and clearly expected me to pay for it. I didn't have my credit card anyway, so no hope of getting any cash for it. He told me to go home and get it. I told him if I left I wasn't coming back. He backed off for a while then on the drive home he started again, asking me to buy the drugs and he even called his source and started setting it up, but I made my "no" stick, I told him I wouldn't buy them and if he wanted to get drugs I would drop him at his place and he could figure it out himself. Well, that wouldn't work because his fiancee was at his apartment waiting for him and was under the impression he was at a meeting for a professional society we are in (as opposed to going to a party with me while she drove 120 miles to see him and babysat 3 little kids... honestly if the woman had any clue what was really going on, I like to think she'd dump his sorry butt.... but then I actually do know what's going on and seem unable or unwilling to keep him out of my life). I ignored his begging and took him home. I'm so proud of myself for saying no to him and for not doing drugs, as well. Because there's a little part of my brain that wanted the drugs.
Dealing with needing space during recovery (co-dependency)
My fiancee is an alcoholic. She has recently begun on her journey to sobriety. She is attending daily AA meetings and events and is on a waiting list for inpatient rehabilitation. I am so very proud of her. She has been sober for 1 1/2 weeks (1 major slip on halloween).
She is getting really wrapped up in AA and reading documents about her rehab center. She is waking up early again and taking care of many things she had neglected in the past. The problem is she seems like she wants nothing to do with me.
She keeps telling me that we both need to work on ourselves individually and she can't concentrate on a relationship right now. She needs to make her sobriety her first priorty.
I agree with her. I want her to get better. I've been going to al anon meetings and have given my very best efforts to giving her the space she is requesting. I've stopped nagging her to wake up or clean the house and trying to tell her how to handle her sobriety. I fight myself from checking up on her or calling her multiple times throughout the day to find out how she's doing.
I feel like I've been doing a very good job with what she's asked. She's always going to meetings or spending time writting to her friends on facebook. I can't help but feel neglected when I ask her to spend a little bit of time with me. I miss holding her and laughing with her. I've probably only spent 30 minutes of quality time with her in the past week and we live together. It's not like I don't see her, she just goes out of her way to avoid me and it hurts. It seems like the only time she initiates conversation with me is if she needs cigarettes or money (she has no job due to her drinking). I feel used.
She told me today that when she goes to rehab and gets her weekend passes, she would like to stay with her parents. She also said she would like to stay with her parents when she gets out of rehab. She wants to spend Christmas with her family and New Years at an AA function and she doesn't want me to attend either of them. She suggested that I spend xmas and new years with my family. She re-iterated that she simply cannot focus on a relationship right now.
I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this. I know she needs her space and I want to make it as easy as possible for her recovery. How do you get over your co-depent feelings? I feel like I'm losing her. I feel like she doesn't love me anymore even though she says she does. How do you cope with giving someone the space they need while missing them so terribly much?
All I want is a little affection and her to tell me she wants to work things out, but I can't even get that. How can I give her her space and not concentrate on our relationship when all I can think about is saving our relationship?
I bought the book Codependant no more and Beyond Copedency tonight. I should recieve them next week. I feel totally lost. I thought I was making progress thinking about myself. I got a new job with better pay to help alleviate the stress of a single income. I've been taking walks and repeating the serenity prayer daily, I've been reading alanon books and pamphlets daily and attending alanon meetings weekly. I've just started feeling more positive and happy with the way things were going, then she tells me all this stuff tonight. How do you cope with the feelings of losing something that may not be lost yet?
Are there any success stories of relationships working out after seperating to concentrate on sobriety?
Sorry for the long post again. I think I will go read some more litterature.
She is getting really wrapped up in AA and reading documents about her rehab center. She is waking up early again and taking care of many things she had neglected in the past. The problem is she seems like she wants nothing to do with me.
She keeps telling me that we both need to work on ourselves individually and she can't concentrate on a relationship right now. She needs to make her sobriety her first priorty.
I agree with her. I want her to get better. I've been going to al anon meetings and have given my very best efforts to giving her the space she is requesting. I've stopped nagging her to wake up or clean the house and trying to tell her how to handle her sobriety. I fight myself from checking up on her or calling her multiple times throughout the day to find out how she's doing.
I feel like I've been doing a very good job with what she's asked. She's always going to meetings or spending time writting to her friends on facebook. I can't help but feel neglected when I ask her to spend a little bit of time with me. I miss holding her and laughing with her. I've probably only spent 30 minutes of quality time with her in the past week and we live together. It's not like I don't see her, she just goes out of her way to avoid me and it hurts. It seems like the only time she initiates conversation with me is if she needs cigarettes or money (she has no job due to her drinking). I feel used.
She told me today that when she goes to rehab and gets her weekend passes, she would like to stay with her parents. She also said she would like to stay with her parents when she gets out of rehab. She wants to spend Christmas with her family and New Years at an AA function and she doesn't want me to attend either of them. She suggested that I spend xmas and new years with my family. She re-iterated that she simply cannot focus on a relationship right now.
I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this. I know she needs her space and I want to make it as easy as possible for her recovery. How do you get over your co-depent feelings? I feel like I'm losing her. I feel like she doesn't love me anymore even though she says she does. How do you cope with giving someone the space they need while missing them so terribly much?
All I want is a little affection and her to tell me she wants to work things out, but I can't even get that. How can I give her her space and not concentrate on our relationship when all I can think about is saving our relationship?
I bought the book Codependant no more and Beyond Copedency tonight. I should recieve them next week. I feel totally lost. I thought I was making progress thinking about myself. I got a new job with better pay to help alleviate the stress of a single income. I've been taking walks and repeating the serenity prayer daily, I've been reading alanon books and pamphlets daily and attending alanon meetings weekly. I've just started feeling more positive and happy with the way things were going, then she tells me all this stuff tonight. How do you cope with the feelings of losing something that may not be lost yet?
Are there any success stories of relationships working out after seperating to concentrate on sobriety?
Sorry for the long post again. I think I will go read some more litterature.
Second Day Sobriety
Hi,
I am 33 yo and have been an alcoholik for 6 months. I get dumped from my fiancee before it started. I will probably lose my successful job tomorrow.
I need some moral support and advises as I need help. I am feeling very bad mentally and physically.
I will meet my employer tomorrow, get fired and find AA meeting.
Thank you!
I am 33 yo and have been an alcoholik for 6 months. I get dumped from my fiancee before it started. I will probably lose my successful job tomorrow.
I need some moral support and advises as I need help. I am feeling very bad mentally and physically.
I will meet my employer tomorrow, get fired and find AA meeting.
Thank you!
Norco withdrawals…Part II
Greetings, kidz. Just thought I'd give an update to my fiancee's Norco detox. (Read my "Norco withdrawals..." post)
Tomorrow will be 14th clean day, and she's still going through hell, although now it's more psychological. She sleeps fitfully at best, waking up every hour or so. She becomes panicky when she gets ready for bed, and that's partly my fault (see paragraphs below). During the day, she's very lethargic, and frequently wants to take a nap. But when she finally has an opportunity to get sleep, she can't. Her mind is still rather jumbled.
About the 10th day (Sunday), both of us realized that her Norco addiction really wasn't just about the physical pain. That night, everything that she had suppressed with the pills came spewing forth. Everything that I had done to her, or she thought I had done to her, everything that others had done to her yet somehow involved me... She used very little profanity, but it was the tone in which she spoke to me. It wasn't so much the vile and angry tone that got me; it was the sarcasm. The kind of cutting disdain that one could only find on a grammar school playground. She didn't just want me out of the house, she wanted me out of town. All the way back to South Carolina, to "go back to [my] little Mommy". She had a plane ticket ready to buy from HotWire.com!
The first five years of our relationship were awful. I was a very selfish and angry man-child, and she was desperate for companionship. My upbringing (or whatever it was) provided fuel for my rather despicable, yet thankfully only occasional, behavior problems. Before her gastric bypass, she suppressed her unhappiness about me with food. When she couldn't do it with food anymore, she turned to pills. I really thought she took the pills for her physical back pain.
God, I really had no idea! And it all came back that 10th night like vomit from hell.
Thank you for enduring my diatribe, folks. I know her recovery will take quite a while. I guess I just need a little reassurance now and then that what's going on is the normal process.
And it's obvious that I need some work, too.
Tomorrow will be 14th clean day, and she's still going through hell, although now it's more psychological. She sleeps fitfully at best, waking up every hour or so. She becomes panicky when she gets ready for bed, and that's partly my fault (see paragraphs below). During the day, she's very lethargic, and frequently wants to take a nap. But when she finally has an opportunity to get sleep, she can't. Her mind is still rather jumbled.
About the 10th day (Sunday), both of us realized that her Norco addiction really wasn't just about the physical pain. That night, everything that she had suppressed with the pills came spewing forth. Everything that I had done to her, or she thought I had done to her, everything that others had done to her yet somehow involved me... She used very little profanity, but it was the tone in which she spoke to me. It wasn't so much the vile and angry tone that got me; it was the sarcasm. The kind of cutting disdain that one could only find on a grammar school playground. She didn't just want me out of the house, she wanted me out of town. All the way back to South Carolina, to "go back to [my] little Mommy". She had a plane ticket ready to buy from HotWire.com!
The first five years of our relationship were awful. I was a very selfish and angry man-child, and she was desperate for companionship. My upbringing (or whatever it was) provided fuel for my rather despicable, yet thankfully only occasional, behavior problems. Before her gastric bypass, she suppressed her unhappiness about me with food. When she couldn't do it with food anymore, she turned to pills. I really thought she took the pills for her physical back pain.
God, I really had no idea! And it all came back that 10th night like vomit from hell.
Thank you for enduring my diatribe, folks. I know her recovery will take quite a while. I guess I just need a little reassurance now and then that what's going on is the normal process.
And it's obvious that I need some work, too.
Doing a check up of sorts…for SR that is.
Hey gals, I know it has been a while since I have been online and talking to you all. But I do have some sad news to spread, I relapsed on my cutting issue the 13th of August. I was to emotionally stressed out. I took a soda can ripped in half and went all out. I felt horrible and like a hypocrit for doing so.
But now I am back on track. Be getting close to 2 months from it.
Other than that, here in just a few days I be turning 20 and I have no idea what I should do. Its's my second birthday without having to deal with my parents.
As for other news, I have been moving from place to place since July and I have been homeless a multitude of times. My fiancee/hubby found us a soup kitchen so we eat there at night when they serve. And I finally started school. My father said I would never be what I wanted to be because of my grades but I have so far maintained an 89.6 in my Intermediate Algebra class. So I feel great that I am now in college. =P
But now I am back on track. Be getting close to 2 months from it.
Other than that, here in just a few days I be turning 20 and I have no idea what I should do. Its's my second birthday without having to deal with my parents.
As for other news, I have been moving from place to place since July and I have been homeless a multitude of times. My fiancee/hubby found us a soup kitchen so we eat there at night when they serve. And I finally started school. My father said I would never be what I wanted to be because of my grades but I have so far maintained an 89.6 in my Intermediate Algebra class. So I feel great that I am now in college. =P
Norco withdrawals…
My fiancee has suffered from a strange lower back pain for two and a half years which, thankfully, has miraculously disappeared in the last month (long and metaphysical story on that one). CT scans, MRI's, radiograms, chiropractors, massage therapy...nothing helped to either diagnose or relieve the pain. We simply exhausted our resources. The pain became so acute and chronic that the only thing to even dull the pain was Norco. A lot of Norco. She hated the high feeling, but it was the only thing that helped.
When the pain finally stopped, she set aside a few days to detox here at home. As I write this, she's going into her 4th detox day. However, she's sleeping soundly for the first time in 3 nights. I've been up keeping watch when she does wake up the past 3 nights, and I'm exhausted. To be sure, I'm nowhere NEAR feeling how SHE'S feeling right now.
Her body is still wracked with neuro-muscular pain because her brain's pain receptors are essentially "naked" without the opiate inhibitor. She's still very weak. Her intestinal tract has been constantly flushing out the opiate, and the liquid portion of her stools is bright yellow. She's taken several hot baths trying to relax any tightened muscles. She's snapped at me a few times like she had Tourette's, then she immediately starts crying. Not regular crying. A sad and desperate crying, like she's lost all hope. Through her tears, she begs me to help stop the pain. And all I can do is just gingerly hold her and tell her she's doing fine and that she will make it through this.
I have to get some sleep. She seems to be okay right now. I can hear her softly snoring. Or is that our dog, Katy? hehe I love them both so much. I can't wait till she's herself again, like she was two years ago. :)
She's had bariatric gastric-bypass surgery back in November 2005. I think she's becoming dehydrated because of the loose stools, and because she can't take in as much water as she's eliminating. I know this is normal for her, but I'm still scared. :praying
When the pain finally stopped, she set aside a few days to detox here at home. As I write this, she's going into her 4th detox day. However, she's sleeping soundly for the first time in 3 nights. I've been up keeping watch when she does wake up the past 3 nights, and I'm exhausted. To be sure, I'm nowhere NEAR feeling how SHE'S feeling right now.
Her body is still wracked with neuro-muscular pain because her brain's pain receptors are essentially "naked" without the opiate inhibitor. She's still very weak. Her intestinal tract has been constantly flushing out the opiate, and the liquid portion of her stools is bright yellow. She's taken several hot baths trying to relax any tightened muscles. She's snapped at me a few times like she had Tourette's, then she immediately starts crying. Not regular crying. A sad and desperate crying, like she's lost all hope. Through her tears, she begs me to help stop the pain. And all I can do is just gingerly hold her and tell her she's doing fine and that she will make it through this.
I have to get some sleep. She seems to be okay right now. I can hear her softly snoring. Or is that our dog, Katy? hehe I love them both so much. I can't wait till she's herself again, like she was two years ago. :)
She's had bariatric gastric-bypass surgery back in November 2005. I think she's becoming dehydrated because of the loose stools, and because she can't take in as much water as she's eliminating. I know this is normal for her, but I'm still scared. :praying
In need of serious advice. please…
sorry to bother you all again but something has been happening to me lately and i don't have anyone to turn to.... a few months ago i got "involved" with a guy. i quickly found out he had a girlfriend (now fiancee) so i tried to cut all ties with him. He had a huge drinking problem at the time and this only made it worse to the point where he began stalking me to try to get me back. I continuosly told him no but that wasnt good enough for him. He would wait for me after work and we would argue and it got to the point where he began to hit me and beat the crap out of me... I tried to stay away but i live in a small town so it's difficult. i tried to talk things out with him but it only made things worse and i started to drink more and more. Things finally reached a breaking point when he would get mad he would find me and rape me. He has done this for several months and i finally snapped and told his girlfriend (who got mad at me) and i broke into his house and glued his windows shut and changed the locks on his doors so he couldn't get in. Not the most responsible thing i know but i was at one of the worst stages of my drug use. He finally got the hint and left me alone. Well over the past couple of days he has been calling and texting me begging me to come back and he waits for me after work and just wont leave me alone. i'm not sure what to do in this situation. I can't go to the police for several reasons... mainly because i already have a criminal record and adding breakig and entering to my resume isn't a good idea. Any help?
Thanks for everything
Thanks for everything
