Drug Rehab Options Blog

Hello everyone

I just joined the community today and wanted to share with you some issues dealing with my marriage. Any input or advice would be greatly appreciated.

I have been married for 8 years and I am the father of 3 beautiful girls aged 7,5, and 4. My basic problem is that I am not in love with my wife and I don't know if I ever was. Eight years ago when I was single and getting older, I really wanted to get married and start a family. For stupid reasons, my relationship went really too fast and she became pregnant after 6 months of dating. I was not sure where the relationship was heading and I had my doubts but I wanted to do the right thing so I married her.

Things were fine for the first few years. We had more kids but I never really felt happy or in love with my wife. I don't regret any of the past eight years because of the love I have for my 3 girls.

My wife's father passed away almost 2 years ago. He basically died because he was an alcoholic. I think one of the good things about our marriage was the fact that I really enjoyed my inlaws and my father in law was one of my best friends and I was deeply saddened when he passed. My wife has dealt with it by becoming an alcoholic herself, but she started drinking months before his death, but his death caused her to drink even more.

Things steadily worsened with her drinking until she finally agreed to go to rehab. She did about a two week rehab and has been home now for about 3 weeks. This past weekend I suspected her of having a relapse. I know the difference between when she is sober and drunk and her behavior was very consistent with her having been drinking. I then searched the garage and found 3 wine bottles in the trash. When I confronted her she said they were old and found them in the garage when getting the Christmas decorations out. She basically said she has not been drinking but I don't believe her because she has lied to me so many times. I don't drink at all btw.

This argument lead to me telling her how I feel even without the alcohol situation. I told her that I didn't love her as a woman but I do as the mother of our children and that I think we should separate. She feels I am not giving her a chance because she has only been home from rehab for a few weeks but I explained to her that I have had these feelings for a long time and I finally got the nerve to tell her today. She is shocked and hurt and says that I am just walking away from this marriage.

I always thought maybe having children meant having to sacrifice many things which is true but I am not so sure about having to sacrifice my happiness. When I am home I am so depressed that I kind of go into a hole and I am not the attentive father I should be. I mean I do the things that they need bathe, feed etc and make sure they are safe but I don't play with them as much as I should. I just think it is almost worse for them in this environment where their father is miserable. My big problem is that I cannot leave my home because I have to make sure my kids are safe because of my wife's drinking.

My wife is the primary care giver for the kids and I am the primary bread winner. I basically pay for everything except for the groceries. She has made it clear that she will not leave and I can't leave because of concern for the kids safety. She is a wonderful mom when she is sober but I can't trust that she will be sober for any extended period of time. I know I need to speak with a lawyer, but beyond that I have no idea what to do. I guess I have done the first step in letting her know how I feel. I hate conflict and confrontation but things are going to mighty rough and awkward living in the same house right now, but I'm not sure I have any other choice.

I would love to hear any of your thoughts or questions, so thanks in advance. Also, she suspects me of having met someone else but I promise I have not and am not looking for anything.

I have been in a 5 year relationship with a man whom I believe to be an alcoholic, I will give you a little insight and hope that you can confirm this. When we met I had just left a 10 year relationship with my University Boyfriend and had lost my Mother after spending some years caring for her with Cancer. I fell instantly in love with him and was happy to indulge in his lifestyle of social drinking at that time. His family are quite dysfunctional, his Mother has always been Bi-Polar, His father a very heavy drinker and his sister has suffered with depression since a breakdown some years past and they all lived together. Over the first few years there were a number of drunken arguments between us but when he was sober he was so kind, conscientious and loving. I then bought a house and became pregnant. Since living in 'our' house and particularly through pregnancy and the subsequent birth of our daughter he went out more and more without me and commonly went on 2 and 3 days drinking binges. I recognise from what I have read that I was enabling this by either - locking the door don't come home or getting him a new job when he got sacked, either or. I also understand again from what i have read that I became very co-dependant (my family were entirely normal with no dependancies/ mental illness etc but my Mother though caring would never even use the word 'love' but I know she loved us dearly) recently after a binge he returned home to find I had put his things outside and came in and set fire to the kitchen whilst I was upstairs (there has been a number of such incidents) He was arrested and now faces the penalty this may bring, although I have said I did not wish to go to court. After a short while I asked him to come home again, desperate to have this normal family life and we did albeit short. It didn't take too long for him to disapear again as his Father has recently come into several thousand pounds all of which he will spend on drink and happily encourage my partner to join him. I 'snapped' overdosed on sleeping tablets and am now being treated for depression. He simply walked away, he left his things, his car, his job, us everything and made no effort to contact me or even enquire through friends about my well being. Since then I have been contacting him sporadically to try to arrange meetings to see our daughter (but in reality I want him to see me) also on the occasion I do drink I will get very upsaet and try to contact him then. I know to his family and friends he blames my arguing and trying to control his drinking on all the trouble that has been caused, I sometimes wonder if it was my fault, had I held the hurt and anger in when he went missing etc, he wouldn't have become angry and it would have settled down again? He has told me that he no longer loves me, we are over and he will need to 'straighten his head out' before he sees our baby. I can't accept this, He has been drinking solidly every single day now for the last 6 weeks- helped by his dad. Does he mean this? I can't believe he does because during the periods where he was sober or not drinking terribly heavily we were so close and happy. I hope you can answer this honestly becasue I need to hear it even if it is that there is no longer any 'us'. I know the relationship was awful and I would tell a friend to run away fast and not look back. I am 10 years younger than him, have a great family and friends and a good job and it does get a little easier some days but others are horrific it feels like he's dead and I can'[t accept it, I'm just pretending to those around me. So that's really the question, do you think he means it, when the money has gone will he come back to me? On dark days I would gladly have him back, problems as well. I know that sounds pathetic but I am being honest. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated, I'm so consumed by the upset I can't function.

My story begins a long time ago. My husband and I were married 22 years ago. My husband smoked pot and we both did cocaine now and then. About a year into our marriage, we decided not to snort cocaine anymore. My husband still smoked pot. During the first few years of our marriage, I noticed whenever my husband ran out of pot, his temper would flare. I would walk on eggshells around him. It got to the point where my husbandÂ’s temper would flare regardless if he had pot or not. He would not hit but he would yell.

We had our first child 3 years into our marriage, a beautiful baby boy. My husband still smoked pot and would have occasional outbursts of anger directed at me. About 5 years later, my daughter was born. My husband still smoked pot every evening when he got home from work. About the time my son was in the 4th grade, I started pushing back on my husband when he would direct his anger toward me. He then started directing it toward our son. He seemed to be constantly disappointed in things our son would or would not do. Now don’t get me wrong, we did have good times, but ever present was that threat of temper. Every time he would escalate things, I would de-escalate them, protecting my son. This “dance” has now been going on for about 8 years.

My son is now 18 and is snorting oxycontin. We found out about his problem in July of this year. He spent all his graduation money, about $1,000, on this drug. He sold all but one of his Xbox games to feed his addiction. He stole money from our wallets, took money out of our bank accounts, returned items to the store that we bought for cash, etc. I believe he was using the drug a few times a week.

So of course, the first thing we did was to try to monitor everything he was doing, where he was going, who he was hanging out with, etc. Basically, it became our problem to control and cure his addiction. (We now know better!) In August, we told him he had to get into rehab in order to stay in our house. He left for about 1 day and then complied with our request. He has been in IOP for the last month. We bought a safe to put all our valuables into. One time, he told my husband that he had left his wallet out and that it was a temptation for him. He was trying. But I felt he was still using occasionally. The outpatient program tests him randomly. However, I donÂ’t believe that it tests him for oxycontin. In my research, I have discovered that you have to have a test a bit more sensitive to test for the drugs in the oxycodone family. So, I have ordered a case of these tests and we are testing my son every 2 days, since I can find no straight answer on how long this particular drug stays in your system. If he tests positive, he understands that he will not be able to live in our house unless he goes to an inpatient program.

So, for the past 2 months, we as a family are trying to come to grips with what is going on. I have made a decision for me and my daughter, that drugs are not welcome in my home. My husband feels that this is unfair since he has been smoking pot all his life and I shouldn’t expect him to stop just because I have made this decision. He says he will stop smoking it at home and will no longer buy it, but wants to be able to occasionally smoke it with his buddies. He says that I am trying to control him when I am adamant about no drugs in my life. I tell him that this is one of my boundaries. Am I trying to manipulate him? Our 12 year old daughter understands everything that is going on. She now knows that her father smoked pot. She knows that he said he would no longer smoke pot about 1 month ago. She asked me a couple of days ago if he was smoking pot anymore. I was able at that time to tell her no. I want to be able to tell her no in the future also. My husband wants a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. I am very confused on what to do here. How can I tell my son that he can’t do drugs while living in my house, if my husband may be doing them occasionally elsewhere? I feel this is very contradictory.

My husband and I are seeing a counselor. He was someone recommended for drug addiction for my son. Well, he is working with my husband and me together. He also works with anger problems. So we are really trying to get all of our problems dealt with. The counselor told my husband yesterday that I was correct in that drugs should not be in our life, at all. My husband left that session quite angry. He kept to himself for the rest of the day and night. He told me this morning that the subject is dropped and he will no longer discuss it. ThatÂ’s his choice, now I have to make mine, I guess.

I have started to read the book Codependent No More and quite qualify for the role of a codie. I think I have been in this role since we got married and I started dealing with his anger issues. I had absolutely no idea I was doing this. I am a fast learner and I WILL turn this around.

This forum is a god send. I have been reading here for the past week. I plan to go to my first meeting next week. I want to thank everyone for sharing their stories. It has helped tremendously just to know I am not alone.

Kathy