Archive for the ‘Flame’ tag
Supporting a Friend …
Hi. I'm new here and I'm already glad I found this forum. The topics I've seen and the answers have been helpful so far.
My situation is this ...
I have a friend who I am very close to but who lives in another state. Today is day one of his recovery after having spent the weekend on a coke binge. Previous to that, he had been clean for 10 days then had a slip (2 lines) then was clean for 3 more days before the binge.
He knew he was starting rehab today ... outpatient but intensive ... so he figured, as most anyone who is about to quit something would, to go out with a bang.
The problem I have is that I want to protect him, be there for him, make sure he knows he's cared for and all the other things that go along with caring about a loved one and what happens to them. I don't want to be an enabler. How can I care and show interest in his recovery without being overbearing and making him feel like he's not free?
I try not to lecture or preach to him about the dangers of what he's doing since he obviously knows what they are. I just don't want to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing. How can I help without over helping?
Mind you, we talk constantly even though we're states apart so I don't have to deal with the day to day, face to face aspects of his recovery but we are very close and I want to be there for him the best I can.
Thanks for any insight you can give me as someone who wished they could 'fix' my friend but knowing he needs to do it on his own.
~Flame
P.S. When he slipped, I acted like it wasn't a big deal, only a bump in the road so he'd know it didn't mean he failed. I'm trying, here, just need some support to BE good support for him.
My situation is this ...
I have a friend who I am very close to but who lives in another state. Today is day one of his recovery after having spent the weekend on a coke binge. Previous to that, he had been clean for 10 days then had a slip (2 lines) then was clean for 3 more days before the binge.
He knew he was starting rehab today ... outpatient but intensive ... so he figured, as most anyone who is about to quit something would, to go out with a bang.
The problem I have is that I want to protect him, be there for him, make sure he knows he's cared for and all the other things that go along with caring about a loved one and what happens to them. I don't want to be an enabler. How can I care and show interest in his recovery without being overbearing and making him feel like he's not free?
I try not to lecture or preach to him about the dangers of what he's doing since he obviously knows what they are. I just don't want to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing. How can I help without over helping?
Mind you, we talk constantly even though we're states apart so I don't have to deal with the day to day, face to face aspects of his recovery but we are very close and I want to be there for him the best I can.
Thanks for any insight you can give me as someone who wished they could 'fix' my friend but knowing he needs to do it on his own.
~Flame
P.S. When he slipped, I acted like it wasn't a big deal, only a bump in the road so he'd know it didn't mean he failed. I'm trying, here, just need some support to BE good support for him.
Autumn Gilt
Quote:
|
The late September sunshine Lime green on linden leaves, Burns bronze on the slated roofs, Yellow on the farmer's sheaves. It flares flame-like on the fire hydrants Is ebony on the black birds wings, Blue-beryl on the face of the ocean, Glints gold on the brides wedding ring. A sparkling shadow on the stained glass windows It's silver sheen on the kitchen sink The late September sunshine Is a chameleon, I think. Valerie Bloom |
Codependent to alcoholic Help!!!!!!!!
Hello~
I'm just looking for help because I feel that I am the addict and not my former recovering alcoholic flame.
I met him online:Ivy league grad, charming, smart, working for Public company, from very wealthy background and perfect loving family. We met 3 times(great connection, fun and laughter), and then he vanished, claiming he was too busy to date me...Ok, I was very sad but I let go...
He called in 2 months out of the blue, and said that he wants to spend his birthday with me, as friends. He told me he moved back to San Francisco to work for his dad, and that he had some alcohol problems. He spend a month clearing up "the shakes". I was like, sure, everyone drinks in college, so he had to stop partying. Normal right? We met and it was wonderful! Then he went home, and the emails started pouring in: how he was broken, mistreated many people, but how I am so special and he is so positive for his future. We met just two other times, and it was awesome. He was very nice and loving, and we had a great time holding hands.And we talked every day, by texting, emailing, and phone calls.
Few months passed, and he was studying for the Bar, so I excused him for not being very responsive and lowering the communication. Then one day, out of the blue and right after telling me how much he misses me,he stopped picking up the phone. I called 5 days in a row, i thought somehting bad happened. On the end, I called from another phone, and he said he wanted to see what will happen if he doesn't pick up?!?!From that on, he would randomly respond to some of my texts, and disappear for days. I felt he had fun making me miserable. I begged him to tell me that its over, but he just remained quiet for days, then come up with a crazy excuse how he was in Canada, so forth...Finally I forced him to send me a good bye its over email blaming the long distance...
It looks fine right? But I always felt there is some very illogical, mean, cruel part of this man, yet I am so obssessed with him. I have been living right next to my phone, just waiting for him to text or call...I read about alcoholics, and how twisted they can be...I am so scared, but I can't let go...
I write to him every day, like I am an addict myself...I write him postive things, and how I want to support him, and I know he doesn't understand half of this, but I want him so much to be well...
I have been in healthy relationships, and I have never been so co-dependent. I am pretty, datable, responsible girl with very good job.But maybe because he never gave me any reassurance, and I thought I am not good enough for him and his rich WASP family.But I need help...How can I stop contacting him...I read every article about alcoholism, and how lucky am I that he left, but I need to stop calling him...Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Is there a therapy group for people like me in love with alcoholics? I am left with so many new issues after this short-lived 5 months long-distance romance, because he messed up my head and twisted my logic.
I'm just looking for help because I feel that I am the addict and not my former recovering alcoholic flame.
I met him online:Ivy league grad, charming, smart, working for Public company, from very wealthy background and perfect loving family. We met 3 times(great connection, fun and laughter), and then he vanished, claiming he was too busy to date me...Ok, I was very sad but I let go...
He called in 2 months out of the blue, and said that he wants to spend his birthday with me, as friends. He told me he moved back to San Francisco to work for his dad, and that he had some alcohol problems. He spend a month clearing up "the shakes". I was like, sure, everyone drinks in college, so he had to stop partying. Normal right? We met and it was wonderful! Then he went home, and the emails started pouring in: how he was broken, mistreated many people, but how I am so special and he is so positive for his future. We met just two other times, and it was awesome. He was very nice and loving, and we had a great time holding hands.And we talked every day, by texting, emailing, and phone calls.
Few months passed, and he was studying for the Bar, so I excused him for not being very responsive and lowering the communication. Then one day, out of the blue and right after telling me how much he misses me,he stopped picking up the phone. I called 5 days in a row, i thought somehting bad happened. On the end, I called from another phone, and he said he wanted to see what will happen if he doesn't pick up?!?!From that on, he would randomly respond to some of my texts, and disappear for days. I felt he had fun making me miserable. I begged him to tell me that its over, but he just remained quiet for days, then come up with a crazy excuse how he was in Canada, so forth...Finally I forced him to send me a good bye its over email blaming the long distance...
It looks fine right? But I always felt there is some very illogical, mean, cruel part of this man, yet I am so obssessed with him. I have been living right next to my phone, just waiting for him to text or call...I read about alcoholics, and how twisted they can be...I am so scared, but I can't let go...
I write to him every day, like I am an addict myself...I write him postive things, and how I want to support him, and I know he doesn't understand half of this, but I want him so much to be well...
I have been in healthy relationships, and I have never been so co-dependent. I am pretty, datable, responsible girl with very good job.But maybe because he never gave me any reassurance, and I thought I am not good enough for him and his rich WASP family.But I need help...How can I stop contacting him...I read every article about alcoholism, and how lucky am I that he left, but I need to stop calling him...Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Is there a therapy group for people like me in love with alcoholics? I am left with so many new issues after this short-lived 5 months long-distance romance, because he messed up my head and twisted my logic.
