Archive for the ‘Focus’ tag
Retreat setting focusing on sobriety and happiness within
I have been gratefully sober for almost 5 months, married 20+ yrs to an alcoholic who wants his drinking life rather than me. I am really trying to find some serenety and joy in my life. I battle with depression, try to stay positive in my daily life but am still searching for true happiness within. I truly try to live AA, attending at least one mtg a day, reading AA literature, working on my 4th step but feeling like there is something missing within me.
Spent NY eve alone as I didn't feel comfortable going to a drinking function with my husband.
Boy am I ever on the pitty pot!!
I am looking for something like a spiritual treatment center to enter for a week or two that will focus on sobriety as well as finding happiness within.
Spent NY eve alone as I didn't feel comfortable going to a drinking function with my husband.
Boy am I ever on the pitty pot!!
I am looking for something like a spiritual treatment center to enter for a week or two that will focus on sobriety as well as finding happiness within.
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
This thursday I start seeing a new counselor through a state mental health clinic (fourth counselor in four years). I'm really crossing my fingers she and I will work out and last this time around. I've had many failures in therapy, showing up hung-over every time and not remembering a thing we talked about and thus wasting both our time, or hating the location and flaking out on appointments, or being sucked into trying out some machine that is supposedly supposed to change my brain chemistry instead of dealing with the issues through talking.
I want to be prepared and organized with what I tell my new counselor and not just rattle off all my issues and concerns without any real plan or destination. I am not sure what I say in order of importance, my drinking? My childhood/family stuff? The past five years?
Sometimes the first couple of sessions are the most difficult emotionally, because I bring up alot of stuff that I rarely talk about and I leave the office feeling as though I've been run-over by a car, but in a good way, if that makes sense.
And what I'm really struggling with is bringing up the Alcohol issue. It's not that I'm trying to deny or minimize it, it just has been my experience that some counselors will prioritize that as being the main problem, while I tend to think it's a symptom of a larger problem (as well as being genetically and environmentally pre-disposed to it). I've had telephone screenings with counselors and the minute I mention the Alcohol they go "Oh, well in THAT case..." and switch me over to someone else entirely. So I don't want that to be the major focus as the be-all-end-all of my problems.
Has anyone had this experience with counselors and the alcoholism issue? How do you go about your first session and what worked, didn't work?
Thanks in advance,
LD
I want to be prepared and organized with what I tell my new counselor and not just rattle off all my issues and concerns without any real plan or destination. I am not sure what I say in order of importance, my drinking? My childhood/family stuff? The past five years?
Sometimes the first couple of sessions are the most difficult emotionally, because I bring up alot of stuff that I rarely talk about and I leave the office feeling as though I've been run-over by a car, but in a good way, if that makes sense.
And what I'm really struggling with is bringing up the Alcohol issue. It's not that I'm trying to deny or minimize it, it just has been my experience that some counselors will prioritize that as being the main problem, while I tend to think it's a symptom of a larger problem (as well as being genetically and environmentally pre-disposed to it). I've had telephone screenings with counselors and the minute I mention the Alcohol they go "Oh, well in THAT case..." and switch me over to someone else entirely. So I don't want that to be the major focus as the be-all-end-all of my problems.
Has anyone had this experience with counselors and the alcoholism issue? How do you go about your first session and what worked, didn't work?
Thanks in advance,
LD
sobriety & changes
i dreamed and prayed every day that my ABF would see the light. on his last dreadful scary binge he came home and decided that this was it. no more. this person had hit rock bottom. he couldnt take it anymore. this last binge was the terror of my life. i wrote him a letter for each day he was gone telling him how painful it was watching him kill himself. i stood by. researched all the options for sobriety. i tried to detach as taught in alanon. all the steps you have to do for recovery. i was supportive if he could please get better. regardless of how bad the drinking was we were in love. we committed and our goal was to be with each other once he recovered.
he is now 45 days in his recovery and our relationship has fizzled. i had to officially break it off. he told me that our relationship was a blur and right now he doesnt feel anything or if he does he doesnt thing he loves me like he did. he then proceeded to say that in AA most relationships in the first year of sobriety fail or end in divorce. i am devastated by this! i know he is sick and yes we should not have made plans with an alcoholic but i believed our love was real and for it to be dismissed is so painful. he said its not that he doesnt feel or care its that its confusing and that he wants to be honest and not make excuses that he wasnt clear in the head. i feel used. he wants to still keep me in my life but i feel if he doesnt love me then where did our relationship go? why would i stay with someone who had only used me in the first place and now that he is sober no longer loves me. what hurts is he cant even say sorry. he blames the alcohol and how 45 days ago he didnt even care if he lived or not and now that he is sober this long...its a rebirth. i still pray that he maintains. he scares me because he pushes himself hard into work and making money-he wants to be rich again (which was what sank him into drinking to begin) and he wants to repair his bond with his kids and focus on sobriety and with all that he does not have time for me.
is this normal? do they change so quickly in recovery? has anyone gone through this? im so lost in this....i want to move on but i love him and i am so sad that i feel disregarded in his sobriety. :wtf2
he is now 45 days in his recovery and our relationship has fizzled. i had to officially break it off. he told me that our relationship was a blur and right now he doesnt feel anything or if he does he doesnt thing he loves me like he did. he then proceeded to say that in AA most relationships in the first year of sobriety fail or end in divorce. i am devastated by this! i know he is sick and yes we should not have made plans with an alcoholic but i believed our love was real and for it to be dismissed is so painful. he said its not that he doesnt feel or care its that its confusing and that he wants to be honest and not make excuses that he wasnt clear in the head. i feel used. he wants to still keep me in my life but i feel if he doesnt love me then where did our relationship go? why would i stay with someone who had only used me in the first place and now that he is sober no longer loves me. what hurts is he cant even say sorry. he blames the alcohol and how 45 days ago he didnt even care if he lived or not and now that he is sober this long...its a rebirth. i still pray that he maintains. he scares me because he pushes himself hard into work and making money-he wants to be rich again (which was what sank him into drinking to begin) and he wants to repair his bond with his kids and focus on sobriety and with all that he does not have time for me.
is this normal? do they change so quickly in recovery? has anyone gone through this? im so lost in this....i want to move on but i love him and i am so sad that i feel disregarded in his sobriety. :wtf2
What’s in this for me?
As I have turned the focus more on me, and am working hard to learn about myself, I asked the hard question, "What am I getting out of this?" I know that people don't just continue the same painful behavior unless they are getting something from it.
Once again the book "How Did I Get Here?" by Barbara DeAngelis helped answer this. It's not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I think it was right on target.
1. Attention..........If we remain confused for long enough we get to be a martyr.
2. Advice.........Our daily routine becomes asking the people around us for their opinion about what we should do.........Constantly asking for advice to help us with our confusion is a way to remain a child and avoid growing up.
3. Addictions.........Staying confused is a great way to stay addicted.
4. Avoidance........This is the biggest negative payoff of confusion......Preoccupied with being confused, we get to avoid whatever it is that we don't want to face.
We avoid the truth.
We avoid change.
We avoid facing our fears,
We avoid disappointing people we love.
We avoid taking risks.
We avoid confrontation with others.
We avoid reality.
We avoid leaping off the cliff.
It's a good thing today was a holiday because I wouldn't have gotten a thing done at work! Awesome book.........tomorrow I'll finish it up and get to the part that talks about changing these patterns.
Once again the book "How Did I Get Here?" by Barbara DeAngelis helped answer this. It's not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I think it was right on target.
1. Attention..........If we remain confused for long enough we get to be a martyr.
2. Advice.........Our daily routine becomes asking the people around us for their opinion about what we should do.........Constantly asking for advice to help us with our confusion is a way to remain a child and avoid growing up.
3. Addictions.........Staying confused is a great way to stay addicted.
4. Avoidance........This is the biggest negative payoff of confusion......Preoccupied with being confused, we get to avoid whatever it is that we don't want to face.
We avoid the truth.
We avoid change.
We avoid facing our fears,
We avoid disappointing people we love.
We avoid taking risks.
We avoid confrontation with others.
We avoid reality.
We avoid leaping off the cliff.
It's a good thing today was a holiday because I wouldn't have gotten a thing done at work! Awesome book.........tomorrow I'll finish it up and get to the part that talks about changing these patterns.
a fun free online game to play to keep your mind off your troubles
it relaxes me.......go to boxerjam.com and play strike a match...or any other of their free games. it's fun and keeps your mind off things, if that's what you need. it helps me a lot on those days when i can't focus or need to rest from work.
What that first Alanon meeting was like
I drove over and sat in the parking lot for the longest time. Wasn't sure I could actually go in. Even though I felt like I was in some sort of fog I followed the next person in the door.
There was 9 others there. 5 men and 4 women. They were all so nice to me that of course I began to cry right away! They didn't judge at all, just handed me a box of kleenex.
The focus of the meeting was on gratitude. And man am I ever grateful that I was there to hear it. When it was my turn to speak they said I could pass if I wanted. But I managed to squeak out "I'm grateful to be here tonight. I took me 23 years but I finally made it". I came home after the meeting and did what they suggested. I made a gratitude list. I was so surprised when I was able to put 12 things on the list right away! I didn't even have to think very hard! When I went to bed last night I decided that instead of laying there and thinking about my problems instead I would list all the things I'm grateful for starting with the letter A and going through the alphabet. I was asleep before I reached the letter K. Wow, that felt good!
I will be going to another meeting on Sunday night. I want to try a few to see which feels best for me. And the best part is this.......the next meeting won't be my "first". I never have to walk through those doors for the first time again!
Kaye
There was 9 others there. 5 men and 4 women. They were all so nice to me that of course I began to cry right away! They didn't judge at all, just handed me a box of kleenex.
The focus of the meeting was on gratitude. And man am I ever grateful that I was there to hear it. When it was my turn to speak they said I could pass if I wanted. But I managed to squeak out "I'm grateful to be here tonight. I took me 23 years but I finally made it". I came home after the meeting and did what they suggested. I made a gratitude list. I was so surprised when I was able to put 12 things on the list right away! I didn't even have to think very hard! When I went to bed last night I decided that instead of laying there and thinking about my problems instead I would list all the things I'm grateful for starting with the letter A and going through the alphabet. I was asleep before I reached the letter K. Wow, that felt good!
I will be going to another meeting on Sunday night. I want to try a few to see which feels best for me. And the best part is this.......the next meeting won't be my "first". I never have to walk through those doors for the first time again!
Kaye
The Relapse Prevention Tool Box
I will periodically list 2 to 3 tools that can be used for our recovery. Some you may not relate to or even care for and others you will relate to alot and might find very useful to implement or just be glad to refresh youself on it. Keep in mind (I'm telling myself this also) these are tools that are only good IF actually used and practiced. The more we do use the one's that seem most useful to us, the more of a change I believe they have on us in this ongoing journey called Recovery. Feel free to post your thoughts about one that really helps you and even your experience and insight of why this one is important to you.
1. REMEMBER YOUR LAST DRUNK/DRUG EPISODE: :warning:
Don't forget the hell you have been through. Dont allow minimizing or illusions of how simply "good" it was to creep in. Don't forget where you came from and why you needed treatment and help. You'll probably never forget how "wonderful" your first highs were, so (even more so) you can't allow yourself to ever forget how miserable really were INSIDE and where you were in the end.
2. USE THE 24 HOUR PLAN: :warning:
Stay clean and sober just for today. Don't worry about staying sober for the rest of you life. Don't burden yourself with the discouraging task of never using again. At times it may be focusing on just one hour at a time or even a each minute at a time, but keep your focus on the NOW. You can't stay clean for tomorrow or next week, but YOU CAN stay clean and sober for just for TODAY.
3. GO TO MEETINGS: :warning:
Regularly attendance at AA or NA meetings will greatly increase your chances of staying straight. Visit as many as you can each week (especially in early recovery). The simple truth is, whether we like it or not, we CANNOT do this on owr own. There is no such thing as the "Lone-Ranger" Recoverying Addict. Why? Because he just leaves and goes back uses again. Yes, it can be awckward meeting new people. Some groups may even turn you off or not fit all your "ideal" or expectations of what it should be like. But you keep looking, because they are out there. Many people just like you in all stages of recovery. Whatever you do, dont give up on this one...it is way too important.
1. REMEMBER YOUR LAST DRUNK/DRUG EPISODE: :warning:
Don't forget the hell you have been through. Dont allow minimizing or illusions of how simply "good" it was to creep in. Don't forget where you came from and why you needed treatment and help. You'll probably never forget how "wonderful" your first highs were, so (even more so) you can't allow yourself to ever forget how miserable really were INSIDE and where you were in the end.
2. USE THE 24 HOUR PLAN: :warning:
Stay clean and sober just for today. Don't worry about staying sober for the rest of you life. Don't burden yourself with the discouraging task of never using again. At times it may be focusing on just one hour at a time or even a each minute at a time, but keep your focus on the NOW. You can't stay clean for tomorrow or next week, but YOU CAN stay clean and sober for just for TODAY.
3. GO TO MEETINGS: :warning:
Regularly attendance at AA or NA meetings will greatly increase your chances of staying straight. Visit as many as you can each week (especially in early recovery). The simple truth is, whether we like it or not, we CANNOT do this on owr own. There is no such thing as the "Lone-Ranger" Recoverying Addict. Why? Because he just leaves and goes back uses again. Yes, it can be awckward meeting new people. Some groups may even turn you off or not fit all your "ideal" or expectations of what it should be like. But you keep looking, because they are out there. Many people just like you in all stages of recovery. Whatever you do, dont give up on this one...it is way too important.
*UPDATE* on “I THINK my boyfriend…”
...is using drugs.
In the "Relationships and Parenting" forum, I posted my belief that my ex-boyfriend, and father of my child, was on drugs. I received a few responses - many of which pretty much told me to focus my time and attention on myself, and figure out why I've put up with such a situation for so long. It's hard letting go of something that I've come to love and hold dear to my heart. Especially now that we've made the choice to start a family together.
As for the update, I'm not quite sure why, but he talked to me last night. And when I say "talked", I mean opened up about more than usual. What I didn't say in my other post, was this...
Because of his "street business", unsurprisingly he's created a number of legal issues with himself. The most recent and past time, he was released on the probational agreement that 1)he would obtain employment or present valid proof that he's been looking for a job 2) stay out of legal trouble 3) complete 90 days of an 'Outpatient Treatment Program'. I've done my research on this, and yes, you can be admitted into such a program for smoking marijuana. My only issue is, he was never caught with marijuana, so...
Yesterday he was sick, claiming that his stomach was really bothering him. Because he was feeling vulnerable and sickly, I suppose it gave him the opportunity to be still and talk. He told me that he had to find a new program. Before going into details he told me that he wanted and needed to stop smoking. The conversation went on, and he told me that when he went, he was tested. What for, I'm not too sure. If someone needs and wants help, its given to them - I didn't know individuals were tested for their drug of choice first. :wtf2 Anyway, in addition to weed, he told me that the test came back positive for coke. He immediately went on to say that it got into his system by holding it, and then made a point to say that he hadn't even really 'put anything together' as of late. I sat on the phone a bit bewildered. Is this even possible?
I honestly feel as though I'm unraveling here. There are so many other things to think about, but this is a hard pill to swallow. I'm so frightened of what I may or may not have to one day tell my son.
In the "Relationships and Parenting" forum, I posted my belief that my ex-boyfriend, and father of my child, was on drugs. I received a few responses - many of which pretty much told me to focus my time and attention on myself, and figure out why I've put up with such a situation for so long. It's hard letting go of something that I've come to love and hold dear to my heart. Especially now that we've made the choice to start a family together.
As for the update, I'm not quite sure why, but he talked to me last night. And when I say "talked", I mean opened up about more than usual. What I didn't say in my other post, was this...
Because of his "street business", unsurprisingly he's created a number of legal issues with himself. The most recent and past time, he was released on the probational agreement that 1)he would obtain employment or present valid proof that he's been looking for a job 2) stay out of legal trouble 3) complete 90 days of an 'Outpatient Treatment Program'. I've done my research on this, and yes, you can be admitted into such a program for smoking marijuana. My only issue is, he was never caught with marijuana, so...
Yesterday he was sick, claiming that his stomach was really bothering him. Because he was feeling vulnerable and sickly, I suppose it gave him the opportunity to be still and talk. He told me that he had to find a new program. Before going into details he told me that he wanted and needed to stop smoking. The conversation went on, and he told me that when he went, he was tested. What for, I'm not too sure. If someone needs and wants help, its given to them - I didn't know individuals were tested for their drug of choice first. :wtf2 Anyway, in addition to weed, he told me that the test came back positive for coke. He immediately went on to say that it got into his system by holding it, and then made a point to say that he hadn't even really 'put anything together' as of late. I sat on the phone a bit bewildered. Is this even possible?
I honestly feel as though I'm unraveling here. There are so many other things to think about, but this is a hard pill to swallow. I'm so frightened of what I may or may not have to one day tell my son.
My head won’t leave me alone…
I mean it just never stops...that committe in my head that is always obsessing and worrying...
It feels like when I open my eyes they are right there..."Morning...wanted to talk to you about your bills...your chronic unemplyent and your genereal unworthiness" I just can't get away from my mind. i remeber now that when I got high it went away...but in the end I couldn't get high enough to make my troubles go away..
I am not actually hearing voices guys...and I know there is nobody else in my head but me...
It is really hard changing the thougth patterns of negativity that are so annoying...I just want to be ok with myself but I never feel like I am doing enough..or good enough..I can't focus for long on one thing and my mind is scattered...always has been...But when I got high..it seemed like that stopped and sometimes I miss that brief reprieve.
Thanx for letting me put this out there..
love north
It feels like when I open my eyes they are right there..."Morning...wanted to talk to you about your bills...your chronic unemplyent and your genereal unworthiness" I just can't get away from my mind. i remeber now that when I got high it went away...but in the end I couldn't get high enough to make my troubles go away..
I am not actually hearing voices guys...and I know there is nobody else in my head but me...
It is really hard changing the thougth patterns of negativity that are so annoying...I just want to be ok with myself but I never feel like I am doing enough..or good enough..I can't focus for long on one thing and my mind is scattered...always has been...But when I got high..it seemed like that stopped and sometimes I miss that brief reprieve.
Thanx for letting me put this out there..
love north
Enter a peaceful, powerful focused state
Monday, November 3, 2008
State of focus
To be highly effective in what you do, enter a special state of being that you can create with your own intention. Enter a state of focus.
In this state, trivial outside events do not have the power to distract or annoy you. You simply accept them, move past them, and continue working on what's truly important to you.
In your focused state, there is no hesitation or worry about getting it wrong. You move ahead with steady, persistent efforts, knowing that even the mistakes will lead to learning and improvements.
Always with you in your state of focus is a clear and authentic sense of purpose. The energy to keep going and to keep focused comes from remembering why.
When you are focused you are curious, flexible, and open to new ways of creating value. At the same time, you're able to keep yourself solidly on track toward the specific goals you have chosen.
Enter a peaceful, powerful focused state. And make good things happen for your whole world.
-- Ralph Marston (the motivator)
Motivation & Inspiration from The Daily Motivator®
State of focus
To be highly effective in what you do, enter a special state of being that you can create with your own intention. Enter a state of focus.
In this state, trivial outside events do not have the power to distract or annoy you. You simply accept them, move past them, and continue working on what's truly important to you.
In your focused state, there is no hesitation or worry about getting it wrong. You move ahead with steady, persistent efforts, knowing that even the mistakes will lead to learning and improvements.
Always with you in your state of focus is a clear and authentic sense of purpose. The energy to keep going and to keep focused comes from remembering why.
When you are focused you are curious, flexible, and open to new ways of creating value. At the same time, you're able to keep yourself solidly on track toward the specific goals you have chosen.
Enter a peaceful, powerful focused state. And make good things happen for your whole world.
-- Ralph Marston (the motivator)
Motivation & Inspiration from The Daily Motivator®
