Archive for the ‘Four Months’ tag
A New Chapter
I've started a new chapter in my life, a chapter that I hope is just the beginning to a really great book. My life hasn't always been easy. For so long, I have let the past and the present control me. I've lived in fear; I've lived with anxiety and panic; I've felt lonely and depressed; I've done things that I never thought were possible; and lastly....I've lost myself in others.
About a week and a half ago, I left my boyfriend. I fell so completely in love with him in no time and convinced myself that we would be together forever. I wanted to believe that so much. All of the little lies and all of the crazy things he did were okay because he loved me and those few "perfect moments" kept me going.
Well, our relationship lasted for just eight months and in that eight months, I had lost everything that was important in my life, including myself. And up until the end of last week, I didn't feel very good about moving on and looking forward. I was scared.
BUT.....a friend gave me the shove I needed. He challenged me to take a really good look at myself, a really good look at my life. Boy, I didn't like what I saw. I kept convincing myself that I was okay when really, I was so lost inside.
In just a short time, I must say that I have come a long way. You see, you can sit there and dream about what you want your life to be like or you can actually take the initiative, set goals and meet them so you can actually "live" the life you dream of. That's what I've decided to do.
I go to the gym daily....something that I kept promising my friend I would do but then always found excuses not to. Now I can see why he wanted me to go. I feel INCREDIBLE. I have so much energy and I just feel so confident. It's really nice. It also has reduced my cravings for coke.
I started eating right and have almost quit smoking. I've made plans with another close friend....she is going to take me hiking in about four months. I should be in pretty good shape by then and I've always dreamed about going hiking....so instead of dreaming about it, I'm making it my reality.
My whole point to this long blah, blah, blah is to tell you that you can do anything you "dream" of doing. This is YOUR life. Nobody can tell you how to live it.
If you're trying to quit drugs, think about why. Make a list of what the drugs do for you and then make a list of how they hurt you. I'm sure the "hurt" side far outweighs the good. Write down things you want out of your life. Stop thinking about what you've done wrong in the past and look at what you are going to do right in the future.
I've always been a present and past dweller. I had to see my ex the other day and I started crying and then something just hit me. If I kept crying, it was going to ruin "my" day. Nobody can make you feel something you don't allow. I wasn't going to allow him to keep hurting me. This was not my addiction anymore. This was not my problem and as much as I love him, I decided to completely let him go. And after, I felt such a weight lifted.
Everytime you choose good over bad, it gets easier. Everytime you say no to a substance, it gets easier the next time.
Sometimes we forget our true potential....we are so used to thinking negative and after a while, negative is the only thinking we have. We program our brains. We are what we think.
I'm so happy now that I have learned to let go. I never thought it was something I was capable of and because of that thinking, I kept using and I kept staying in an unhealthy relationship. Then one day, a friend told me that I "could" do it. I thought about it and realized he was right. I could do it if I really wanted to. And I did. I wanted my life back. I know you want your life back. Don't ever give up because one of those tries are gonna be the one that sets you free from your addiction....sets you free and gives you your life back.
Hugs
About a week and a half ago, I left my boyfriend. I fell so completely in love with him in no time and convinced myself that we would be together forever. I wanted to believe that so much. All of the little lies and all of the crazy things he did were okay because he loved me and those few "perfect moments" kept me going.
Well, our relationship lasted for just eight months and in that eight months, I had lost everything that was important in my life, including myself. And up until the end of last week, I didn't feel very good about moving on and looking forward. I was scared.
BUT.....a friend gave me the shove I needed. He challenged me to take a really good look at myself, a really good look at my life. Boy, I didn't like what I saw. I kept convincing myself that I was okay when really, I was so lost inside.
In just a short time, I must say that I have come a long way. You see, you can sit there and dream about what you want your life to be like or you can actually take the initiative, set goals and meet them so you can actually "live" the life you dream of. That's what I've decided to do.
I go to the gym daily....something that I kept promising my friend I would do but then always found excuses not to. Now I can see why he wanted me to go. I feel INCREDIBLE. I have so much energy and I just feel so confident. It's really nice. It also has reduced my cravings for coke.
I started eating right and have almost quit smoking. I've made plans with another close friend....she is going to take me hiking in about four months. I should be in pretty good shape by then and I've always dreamed about going hiking....so instead of dreaming about it, I'm making it my reality.
My whole point to this long blah, blah, blah is to tell you that you can do anything you "dream" of doing. This is YOUR life. Nobody can tell you how to live it.
If you're trying to quit drugs, think about why. Make a list of what the drugs do for you and then make a list of how they hurt you. I'm sure the "hurt" side far outweighs the good. Write down things you want out of your life. Stop thinking about what you've done wrong in the past and look at what you are going to do right in the future.
I've always been a present and past dweller. I had to see my ex the other day and I started crying and then something just hit me. If I kept crying, it was going to ruin "my" day. Nobody can make you feel something you don't allow. I wasn't going to allow him to keep hurting me. This was not my addiction anymore. This was not my problem and as much as I love him, I decided to completely let him go. And after, I felt such a weight lifted.
Everytime you choose good over bad, it gets easier. Everytime you say no to a substance, it gets easier the next time.
Sometimes we forget our true potential....we are so used to thinking negative and after a while, negative is the only thinking we have. We program our brains. We are what we think.
I'm so happy now that I have learned to let go. I never thought it was something I was capable of and because of that thinking, I kept using and I kept staying in an unhealthy relationship. Then one day, a friend told me that I "could" do it. I thought about it and realized he was right. I could do it if I really wanted to. And I did. I wanted my life back. I know you want your life back. Don't ever give up because one of those tries are gonna be the one that sets you free from your addiction....sets you free and gives you your life back.
Hugs
my mind is playing tricks on me….
Sober four months today!!! YAY! Almost every night since right before thanksgiving i have some sort of stressfull dream where I drink..just a little. Last night It was a shot of whiskey and in my dream I was thinking " you will regret this " than of course I did and thought way to go looser four months down the drain...I wake up feeling weird...like all throughout the day I think " that WAS just a dream right? No way did I like black out going to some bar in the middle of the night and do one shot and come home and crawl into bed and wake up and wonder? I was a total blackout drinker and my past and all the what if's still haunt me...:a043:But it never fails..every single dream messes with my mind...messes with me good energy..makes me feel kinda weird and almost guilty and depressed..like even as I type this I know it was just a dream but why do I still feel so weird about it like it actually happened? anyone else have this happen?
Why ?
I usually lurk and read , I haven't felt the need to really post in ages , it has been months since my Niece moved out and finally got her own place , after dealing with three years of her living with us throughout her addiction . She moved this boyfriend of eight months into her place , and now she announced she is pregnant , and two nights ago she had what she calls a little slip up ! She stayed out all night and smoked crack , she is four months pregnant ! I am sick at hearing this , her boyfriend called and I have never really had much of a conversation with him before this , I asked him if he was ready to raise a baby all on his own ? I also told him to look up a meeting so he could really fully understand what he is going to be dealing with . Then I sort of gave him a reality check on life , it was kinda mean but I'm sorry I felt like I had to say it straight . I asked him if it was really soo bad to do things 'old school ' i.e get married , get a job , buy a house or at least buy a car ! . I said you don't have much to offer this child at this point , she is working part time and collecting welfare and he is collecting welfare , they are both facing charges , her for seven counts of trafficking cocaine and him for having some weed on him . Love alone is not going to take care of everything . It breaks my heart to think of what this child is coming into .
I am grateful to come here though and just read the posts , there is always soo much love and advice even if it doesn't relate to my situation . :a194:
I am grateful to come here though and just read the posts , there is always soo much love and advice even if it doesn't relate to my situation . :a194:
Happiness
I have been with my boyfriend since July 2007, or a little over a year. In January, a friend of his shared some cocaine with him, which sent him down a slippery path. At this time, he was still suffering from undiagnosed Depression, and is a student in a very rigorous program at a challenging university, so he began using habitually as a coping mechanism. During this time, he also used Ecstasy for the first time. When school ended for the year, his problems did not go away; upon returning home, his beloved dog died, and so he continually used both cocaine and E, sometime at the same time, for a week or so after. Around this time, he finally saw a psychiatrist and was put on medication for his Depression. However, he continued to use cocaine frequently and E occasionally throughout the summer. One night in August, he tried LSD for the first time. He took far too much for a first-time user, and went into a violent state that got his parents involved and opened their eyes to their son's problem. Shortly thereafter, he started attending rehab. He has been off of hard drugs ever since then (he still smokes weed, but that was never his problem, so I don't worry about it).
The only problem is that, even after almost four months of sobriety, he still talks about using coke or E again one day. He maintains that his feelings on those drugs were such happy ones that he simply cannot picture going through the rest of his life never feeling that sort of happiness again.
I understand that there are so many factors that would make him feel this way, namely the depression that was still plaguing him throughout much of his use. Still, it pains me to think that he might go back to drugs; we've talked at length about how painful it was for me during that time. I know that he wants to marry me, and I feel the same way about him. How can I convince him that one day, together, we will have enough happiness in our life that he won't need these drugs?
The only problem is that, even after almost four months of sobriety, he still talks about using coke or E again one day. He maintains that his feelings on those drugs were such happy ones that he simply cannot picture going through the rest of his life never feeling that sort of happiness again.
I understand that there are so many factors that would make him feel this way, namely the depression that was still plaguing him throughout much of his use. Still, it pains me to think that he might go back to drugs; we've talked at length about how painful it was for me during that time. I know that he wants to marry me, and I feel the same way about him. How can I convince him that one day, together, we will have enough happiness in our life that he won't need these drugs?
Returning to the forums
Hello, all:
I was here frequently a couple of years back under a different name that I now choose to keep separate, since I use it elsewhere in non-recovery sites and found it could be Googled.
In any event, I am in full blown relapse, thoroughly re addicted to opiates in the form of Percocet, Vicoprofen and tramadol. I am so far below where I was two years back, not only getting pills from docs and dentists but buying them on the street as well (one of my former "nevers").
I have depleted my bank account three times over and owe money everywhere. Some of the pills were and are quite legal because I have ongoing disc herniation issues as well as a July 08 cancer diagnosis.
I survived the cancer surgery with a clean slate.
A brief history: i am an alcoholic, in recovery overall since 1986. I had a brief alcohol relapse in 2003 for about three or four months.
Two years ago, I came here and allowed you folks to guide me through an eleven day withdrawal, mitigated only by some clonidine (legal and prescribed by mu doc to whom I'd admitted my addiction) and a few days of sleeping pills after two weeks of no sleep (also legal and prescribed after the lack of sleep became health-jeopardizing).
So here I am back again, in way deeper than I ever imagined. Tonight I was fairly convinced i had O.D.'ed even though my tolerance is ridiculously high. I jockey back and forth between pills containing acetaminophen and ibuprofen, but I know I have hit toxic doses of the former at least once or twice. Each time it scares the feces out of me and I resolve to taper, or come clean to my doc again...but I squeak by with no apparent damage and start in again.
I survived radical cancer surgery just a few months ago and smoked a cigarette in the car on the way home after my first ever non-addiction related hospital stay. I filled the post-surgery pill script in the hospital, didn't even wait to hit my usual pharmacy.
The post-op pain was a nightmare because my tolerance was so high they couldn't give me high enough doses of Dilaudid to keep me pain free.
But, funniest of all, after 24 hours they removed my Dilaudid pump because I wasn't hitting the button enough to merit keeping it in.
I'm rambling and I apologize. It's not from being high, I can't stay high very long anymore, it's just from needing to dump it all somewhere.
Thanks for reading. I'm not at a point of doing much of anything but write it out right now. I'm not whining, I promise. I know exactly what it is
I need to do, I just need to do it.
Be well,
Teddy
I was here frequently a couple of years back under a different name that I now choose to keep separate, since I use it elsewhere in non-recovery sites and found it could be Googled.
In any event, I am in full blown relapse, thoroughly re addicted to opiates in the form of Percocet, Vicoprofen and tramadol. I am so far below where I was two years back, not only getting pills from docs and dentists but buying them on the street as well (one of my former "nevers").
I have depleted my bank account three times over and owe money everywhere. Some of the pills were and are quite legal because I have ongoing disc herniation issues as well as a July 08 cancer diagnosis.
I survived the cancer surgery with a clean slate.
A brief history: i am an alcoholic, in recovery overall since 1986. I had a brief alcohol relapse in 2003 for about three or four months.
Two years ago, I came here and allowed you folks to guide me through an eleven day withdrawal, mitigated only by some clonidine (legal and prescribed by mu doc to whom I'd admitted my addiction) and a few days of sleeping pills after two weeks of no sleep (also legal and prescribed after the lack of sleep became health-jeopardizing).
So here I am back again, in way deeper than I ever imagined. Tonight I was fairly convinced i had O.D.'ed even though my tolerance is ridiculously high. I jockey back and forth between pills containing acetaminophen and ibuprofen, but I know I have hit toxic doses of the former at least once or twice. Each time it scares the feces out of me and I resolve to taper, or come clean to my doc again...but I squeak by with no apparent damage and start in again.
I survived radical cancer surgery just a few months ago and smoked a cigarette in the car on the way home after my first ever non-addiction related hospital stay. I filled the post-surgery pill script in the hospital, didn't even wait to hit my usual pharmacy.
The post-op pain was a nightmare because my tolerance was so high they couldn't give me high enough doses of Dilaudid to keep me pain free.
But, funniest of all, after 24 hours they removed my Dilaudid pump because I wasn't hitting the button enough to merit keeping it in.
I'm rambling and I apologize. It's not from being high, I can't stay high very long anymore, it's just from needing to dump it all somewhere.
Thanks for reading. I'm not at a point of doing much of anything but write it out right now. I'm not whining, I promise. I know exactly what it is
I need to do, I just need to do it.
Be well,
Teddy
Speed bump on the recovery road…
I left my AH almost one year ago; began posting reading on SR and attending Alanon a short time after that. No doubts about ending that relationship; I did the dance with him for about four months before I left of giving him second, third etc. chances – but clearly (and with much disbelief) realized that he wasn’t doing anything to change. So, I left with my DD and have not reconsidered my decision, ever. I filed for divorce in January, but we have not gone to court yet so technically we are still married.
We lived in a rural area; and when I left I also left behind almost my entire social network. All my former friends and neighbors have rushed in to continue to enable my X; as I am the evil one for abandoning the poor helpless man (he is disabled). Even my family seemed to have been more supportive of him than me. And I left our dream home that I had poured my heart into decorating and landscaping over the last 20 years.
I was hurting and felt very betrayed. It was winter time, I isolated somewhat during the cold and snow. I have never been out-going and have trouble making friends. After a few months I moved to a small town near my X; to get back into my DDÂ’s school district and nearer to her friends. ItÂ’s a bedroom community to the larger city where I work; about 30 min. away. That complicates socializing, because once I get home, entertainment options are limited; and I donÂ’t want to stay in town and leave my DD home alone.
Springtime came, and it had been about six months since I left. I felt I was ready to try dating, so I joined an online dating site. The responses were sort of overwhelming, and a huge boost to my ego and self confidence. I had lots of good dates, some really bad dates, but didnÂ’t take any of it too seriously and was having a good time. Meanwhile, I met some of my new neighbors who, as the weather turned warmer, began to gather regularly at my next-door neighborÂ’s house and socialize (i.e. drink beer). It felt so good to start to make friends in my new home and to find a new social network.
My neighbor’s best friend was there often, even though he lives in the larger city. Long story short – he pursued me and our friends did a little matchmaking and we eventually started a romantic relationship. He “broke up” with his girlfriend to go out with me. That concerned me some; but felt that his friends knew the situation better than I did and they assured me that there was no reason to be worried. I also had observed how much time he spent at my neighbor’s – and the girlfriend was NEVER with him.
Of course this all leads up to the problem – he and “girlfriend” had bought a house together. She was going to move out, but decided to use that to pressure him to stay with her. She gave him an ultimatum to work on their relationship or sell the house. He gave in; and broke up with me. But, can we still be friends? If I say no, I am afraid I will lose all my friends and my social network – AGAIN. If I say yes I will be happy to still be able to talk to him, but -- frankly will really miss having the romantic relationship.
So I said yes. And my sponsor kicked me in my a$$ and in no uncertain terms said absolutely, positively do not have a friendship with him. He came over last night on his way home from work; and I was going to tell him; and I couldn’t do it. I can’t do it. Just thinking about it sends me into a panic. I can’t give up this relationship; that thought is more upsetting than leaving my AH (married for 25 years!!!). I know this is a sign of some kind of character defect – but I don’t know what and I am nowhere near ready to have it removed. And I’m also stressing about telling my sponsor that I couldn’t do it.
So, I am telling you all about it. Partly just to finally write it all out, and also to get more insight from all of you who are so much farther along than me. . . .
We lived in a rural area; and when I left I also left behind almost my entire social network. All my former friends and neighbors have rushed in to continue to enable my X; as I am the evil one for abandoning the poor helpless man (he is disabled). Even my family seemed to have been more supportive of him than me. And I left our dream home that I had poured my heart into decorating and landscaping over the last 20 years.
I was hurting and felt very betrayed. It was winter time, I isolated somewhat during the cold and snow. I have never been out-going and have trouble making friends. After a few months I moved to a small town near my X; to get back into my DDÂ’s school district and nearer to her friends. ItÂ’s a bedroom community to the larger city where I work; about 30 min. away. That complicates socializing, because once I get home, entertainment options are limited; and I donÂ’t want to stay in town and leave my DD home alone.
Springtime came, and it had been about six months since I left. I felt I was ready to try dating, so I joined an online dating site. The responses were sort of overwhelming, and a huge boost to my ego and self confidence. I had lots of good dates, some really bad dates, but didnÂ’t take any of it too seriously and was having a good time. Meanwhile, I met some of my new neighbors who, as the weather turned warmer, began to gather regularly at my next-door neighborÂ’s house and socialize (i.e. drink beer). It felt so good to start to make friends in my new home and to find a new social network.
My neighbor’s best friend was there often, even though he lives in the larger city. Long story short – he pursued me and our friends did a little matchmaking and we eventually started a romantic relationship. He “broke up” with his girlfriend to go out with me. That concerned me some; but felt that his friends knew the situation better than I did and they assured me that there was no reason to be worried. I also had observed how much time he spent at my neighbor’s – and the girlfriend was NEVER with him.
Of course this all leads up to the problem – he and “girlfriend” had bought a house together. She was going to move out, but decided to use that to pressure him to stay with her. She gave him an ultimatum to work on their relationship or sell the house. He gave in; and broke up with me. But, can we still be friends? If I say no, I am afraid I will lose all my friends and my social network – AGAIN. If I say yes I will be happy to still be able to talk to him, but -- frankly will really miss having the romantic relationship.
So I said yes. And my sponsor kicked me in my a$$ and in no uncertain terms said absolutely, positively do not have a friendship with him. He came over last night on his way home from work; and I was going to tell him; and I couldn’t do it. I can’t do it. Just thinking about it sends me into a panic. I can’t give up this relationship; that thought is more upsetting than leaving my AH (married for 25 years!!!). I know this is a sign of some kind of character defect – but I don’t know what and I am nowhere near ready to have it removed. And I’m also stressing about telling my sponsor that I couldn’t do it.
So, I am telling you all about it. Partly just to finally write it all out, and also to get more insight from all of you who are so much farther along than me. . . .
new to the manhattan soberscene
I just moved back to new york yesterday after a year spent in Florida getting sober...Rehab, relapse, finally will have four months on oct. 13...
Anyway, I don't know anyone who is sober in the city. I've looked up all the meetings but there are just so many to choose from it is a bit overwhelming.
Does anyone have any recommendations or advice?
Or is anyone in the NYC area who can maybe give me some personal experience?
Thanks!
Anyway, I don't know anyone who is sober in the city. I've looked up all the meetings but there are just so many to choose from it is a bit overwhelming.
Does anyone have any recommendations or advice?
Or is anyone in the NYC area who can maybe give me some personal experience?
Thanks!
new to the manhattan soberscene
I just moved back to new york yesterday after a year spent in Florida getting sober...Rehab, relapse, finally will have four months on oct. 13...
Anyway, I don't know anyone who is sober in the city. I've looked up all the meetings but there are just so many to choose from it is a bit overwhelming.
Does anyone have any recommendations or advice?
Or is anyone in the NYC area who can maybe give me some personal experience?
Thanks!
Anyway, I don't know anyone who is sober in the city. I've looked up all the meetings but there are just so many to choose from it is a bit overwhelming.
Does anyone have any recommendations or advice?
Or is anyone in the NYC area who can maybe give me some personal experience?
Thanks!
CalicoCruiser has 4 months Oct.13th!!!!
Welcome to CalicoCruiser!!!! :) Fantastic accomplishment on your four months (tomorrow)!!!! I wanted to post it today, as I don't have a computer tomorrow. lol So glad to meet you!
New here, recovering (I think), 1 1/2 months sober
I had been heavily abusing opiates for about three to four months, prior to that I had been using them not nearly as heavily for about a year. At first it was weekly, then twice a week, then bi-daily (I'm sure you all know how it goes).
Anywho, stupid me decided to drop it all at once, AND quit caffeine at the same time. You can only imagine what ensued, it was by far the most horrifying thing I've ever experienced.
Two trips to the hospital later, they have me on Effexor XR and things are going... well, they're going. I'm in therapy and I'm off work temporarily still, but I do believe that things are looking up. I am stuck with a horrible depression, as you would imagine, but I've been through depression before too.
I'm just looking for support from people in similar situations, I'm searching for compassion and to give compassion. If there's anyone else that's just bumming around at home all day, drop me a line.
Anywho, stupid me decided to drop it all at once, AND quit caffeine at the same time. You can only imagine what ensued, it was by far the most horrifying thing I've ever experienced.
Two trips to the hospital later, they have me on Effexor XR and things are going... well, they're going. I'm in therapy and I'm off work temporarily still, but I do believe that things are looking up. I am stuck with a horrible depression, as you would imagine, but I've been through depression before too.
I'm just looking for support from people in similar situations, I'm searching for compassion and to give compassion. If there's anyone else that's just bumming around at home all day, drop me a line.
